The Emmitt Smith Anthology Volume 2

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I've received tons of e-mails the day ESPN fired Emmitt Smith. "What are you going to do now?" people asked. Luckily, I have enough Emmitt quotes saved up for two more Emmitt Anthologies. The Emmitt on the Brink will continue next year, and I'll always have my annual Emmitt Smith NFL Mock Drafts. Look for the 2009 version in April.

By the way, boo earns to ESPN for firing Emmitt. Emmitt was one of their few interesting/entertaining analysts. Then again, ESPN also ruined its best show, NFL Primetime, so we shouldn't be surprised the slightest bit.

I really hope another network hires Emmitt. I'd watch that channel constantly and never tune into ESPN ever again. Until this happens, I'd like to extend an invitation to Emmitt. Emmitt, if you ever want to write for this Web site, we'd love to have you. You could write about whatever you want, and I promise, I won't even think about editing your work.

At any rate, enjoy the Emmitt Anthology Volume II, or click here if you're looking for the Emmitt Anthology Volume I.

Emmitt Smith may have been fired, but he'll always have a job in our hearts.

I've sorted all of these Emmitt quotes categorically, and have included a comment with each one. Enjoy!

The Simple Emmitts

The following Emmitt quotes are comprised of one or two small grammatical errors. Emmitt made so many of these, I considered it a miracle every time he went 10 words without a blunder.

"The Ravens does... does... do not have the ability to put up points..." (Commentary: The funny thing isn't that Emmitt luckily corrected himself on the third try. It's that when Emmitt finally said "do," Steve Young nodded his head to let Emmitt know he chose the right word.)
"Generally, the rule of thumb is, the team that have the most turnovers will lose the game." (Commentary: And generally, the rule of thumb is that a TV analyst "have to speak grammar good." So much for that.)
"Now he's move on." (Commentary: The contraction either means "Now he is move on" or "Now he has move on." Unless the person Emmitt is describing is something called a "move on" or has something called a "move on," Emmitt made a grammatical gaff. But that's not possible, is it?)
"Brett Favre establish himself as one of the best quarterbacks ever." (Commentary: And with that quote, Emmitt establish himself as the most amusing analysts ever.)
"This will allow them to make up ground as the season go on." (Commentary: One of Emmitt's more grammatically correct sentences. Emmitt should put this one on his resume once he applies to CBS, FOX or the NFL Network.)
"They gonna force Matt Ryan to beat him with his arm, and if they can do that they be...best off." (Commentary: And if I ever have a kid and he listens to Emmitt, his grammar be... worst off.)
"He deserve the Lambeau leap." (Commentary: And we deserve more Emmitt on ESPN! Put him back on Sunday NFL Countdown!)
"When I look at the Vikings, I see a problem at quarterback position." (Commentary: Stupid Vikings - if only they listened to Emmitt in the offseason, they would know they have a problem at quarterback position.)
"This man comes... come to the game with a different package." (Commentary: You gotta love Emmitt. Never before has a TV analyst corrected himself incorrectly mid-sentence. As Emmitt would say, "I incorrected myself!")
"And tonight it's goin' be a special night because both of these teams have solid defenses." (Commentary: So, it's going to be a special night because the teams just have solid defenses? How about a better adjective, Emmitt? "Great" would have worked. "Spectacular" as well. Could you imagine saying, "That chick is hot. Her face is solid. Her chest is solid. Her legs are solid. Her a** is solid?")
"They threw the ball to him a number of time." (Commentary: I wish Emmitt would get into specifics and tell us how many time he was thrown the ball.)
"Brett Favre will not has these types of games again." (Commentary: A bold prediction by Emmitt!)
"When they came out in the third quarter, they played like they was trying not to lose the game." (Commentary: That's strange! I thought they were trying to lose the game, but Emmitt's sage analysis set me straight.)
"Standin on the sideline, Stu and I was watchin some guys get hit. I'm tellin you, it made me feel good that I done had retired already." (Commentary: Thank goodness. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to enjoy Emmitt's awesome analysis.)
"He understand how to reads blocks." (Commentary: And with quotes like that, we have to wonder if Emmitt understand how to reads books.)
"Every time he go inside he try to bounce outside too quickly." (Commentary: The sad thing here is that I've read/heard so much Emmittese over the past 18 months that it took me about a minute to realize this sentence was grammatically incorrect.)
"He just want to convey that it take more than heart, brain and brawns to win a football game." (Commentary: Unfortunately, it doesn't take much more to be a commentator on ESPN.)
"They played well offensively, but Reggie Bush, they still had turnovers, offensively." (Commentary: It's almost as if Emmitt tried to combine three sentences into one. I guess ESPN fired him for cutting corners, huh?)
"The big toe is such an important factor for runnin' back when you have to make cuts. So for L.T., that toe is bothering him so bad, that he cannot make the cut he want to make." (Commentary: But apparently, being able to use verbs is not an important factor for TV analysts.)

Emmitt Made a Doo Doo

Believe it or not, but everything Emmitt said the past year wasn't factually correct. I kid you not!

"The Patriots ran over 200 running backs." (Commentary: Really? All I saw were Sammy Morris, Heath Evans, Kevin Faulk and BenJarvus Green-Ellis. I must have slipped into a coma when the other 196-plus running backs ran the ball.)
"As a rookie in this league, first of all, no one knows who you are." (Commentary: Oh, I guess all the networks and Web sites that dedicate their time to NFL Draft coverage and all the fantasy magazines who list rookies are just wasting their time, huh?)
"Steve, I couldn't disagree with you, even if I wanted to." (Commentary: Emmitt could have just said, "I couldn't agree with you more," but Emmitt has a special way of saying things.)
"He's better than the three quarterbacks you're looking at." Kyle Horton in Chicago... (Commentary: While Horton Hears a Who, Emmitt talks about a Horton.)
"Matt Hassel start this week." (Commentary: Matt Hasselbeck? Matt Cassel? Or was Emmitt cutting corners and referring to both?)
"Steve Smith is my guy. He missed the first two games of the season because of suspensions. Obviously he's back into the saddle." (Commentary: So, Steve Smith missed two games because of multiple suspensions? I thought it was just one. Ah, who cares!? He's obviously back into the saddle!)
"And also try to use some play-action if they can... Rashaa... with Rashaan Mendenhall runnin the rock." (Commentary: Poor Mike Tomlin. He tried following Emmitt's advice, but couldn't find anyone named Rashaan Mendenhall on his roster.)
"Some of those things are not Drew Brees's's' fault." (Commentary: I'll buy that. I was thinking it was Drew Brees' fault, but definitely not Drew Brees's's'.)
"This is what the offseason has brought for Brett, not the offseason but the last two weeks, but the bye week ... And so I accept Brett Favre to come out of this offseason, or this bye week right now." (Commentary: Only Emmitt can confuse the offseason and bye week twice in the same sentence. Is it safe to say that we all "accepted" Emmitt to do that?)
"The defense feel like they have to score points defensively in order to win game... games." (Commentary: For anyone who had a sneaking suspicion that the defense was trying to score offensively, your theory has been debunked.)

Emmitt is Spelled "E-M-M-I-T-T"

Emmitt tries to sound profound in the following quotes. Unfortunately, he's saying something either remarkably dumb or incredibly obvious.

"Well, I simply told him, the 2,000 yards is one thing. You have to be patience." (Commentary: Screw being patient. To get to 2,000 yards, you have to be patience.)
"Vince Young is not a passing quarterback. He do not stay in the pocket and he runs." (Commentary: Ahh... so that's why Young was benched. Now I understand.)
"These two teams have to play the best football that they can tonight, and one must come away with a win." (Commentary: Apparently, Donovan McNabb learned his NFL rules from Emmitt.)
"But yet they still went lackadaisical at a critical time." (Commentary: Well, at least they don't go lackadaisical all the time.)
"Protect the football because you've had problems fumbling football during the preseason." (Commentary: Much like Emmitt has been fumbling grammar the past two years.)
"Steve Slaton is the type of running back who makes plays with his legs." (Commentary: As opposed to LenDale White, who makes plays with his stomach.)
"Drew Brees... he have an extra motivation." (Commentary: Just one extra motivation? Not five? Imagine of Brees had five extra motivations... He would be undebacable.)

From Emmitt's What the F--- File

I'm not sure what to make of these quotes. Drunks getting tossed out of bars are more coherent than this. If you can decipher what Emmitt was trying to say, you're either really gifted or really troubled.

"Ben Roethlisbergers were gettin pressured!" (Commentary: This sentence would actually be grammatically correct if there were two or more Ben Roethlisbergers and they were both getting pressured at the same time. Sadly, I do not think this was the case.)
"Today I'm goin with Mr... Mo... Mr... Mg... Monte Kiffin of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers." (Commentary: I'm going out on a limb and saying that Emmitt learned his grammar from Porky Pig.)
"When it come down to being critical to one another..." (Commentary: Emmitt is now auditioning to take Dr. Phil's job, apparently.)
"They need to learn how to deal with success. They won 13 straight games last year and therefore they got the big-headed." (Commentary: So, it turns out that if you win 13 straight games, you don't get a Lombardi Trophy; you get the big-headed!)
"When it hit the ground, it's probably goin' be one of those kinda things that goes in and out. It's goin' be more bothersome than it is goin' hurt him... than it's goin' hurt him." (Commentary: Whoa, Emmitt, save the Sex ED talks for your son; not the national TV audience.)
"I think the Jets are keeping Brett inside a box. They need to just let him go..." (Commentary: So that's why the Jets struggled down the stretch. Damn boxes!!!)
"Flozell Adams need to shore up that back side." (Commentary: Not that there's anything wrong with that...)
"He may have the will, but it's remain to be seen." (Commentary: Thanks for contradicting yourself and confusing the audience even more, Emmitt.)
"Defensively, they were in the backfield most of the time, he can never really get going, the Saints was geared up for this tonight." (Commentary: When in doubt, don't think; just speak... even if you end up combining three sentences that don't have anything to do with each other.)
"When you start looking at some of the passes that Drew Brees had during the course of the game, where he dumped the passes off, the guy hit the wide receiver in the hand, he drops it, he flops in the air, then Minnesota gets the interception." (Commentary: Whoa, Emmitt, slow down - you lost me at "Drew Brees.")
"He's the guy that give you the strength." (Commentary: There's a guy? Why didn't A-Rod go to him instead of using steroids?)
"Well, obviously, LaDainian, his body is goin to go through significant changes and L.T. need to recognize that ... right around that middle time frame is when your body go through something that as a young player, you're not accustom to." (Commentary: Oh, boy. When Emmitt's son grows up, this is going to be an awkward and grammatically flawed conversation.)
"Keep your feet! If he do, it's touchdown, baby!" (Commentary: Emmitt apparently loses all control of his grammar when he gets excited. One can only imagine what happens when he "have a sexy time." "You give me the rice of passage, baby!")

A Typical Monday Night

The following is from Pro Football Talk, a great Web site for NFL rumors and breaking news:

Even before the game or the five-hour on-air run-up to it began on Monday, Emmitt was doling out wisdom on ESPN Radio, including this free advice to the Cowboys:

"If you want to stay perfect, you cannot go undefeated with a blemish on your record."

Then, during the hour-long SportsCenter that spills into Monday Night Countdown, Emmitt addressed whether the Cowboys are on the same level as the Pats and the Colts with this inherently contradictory gobbledygook:

"The Dallas Cowboys are not far behind, they are a distant third, they're close but they're not quite there yet."

After the game, Stu Scott asked Emmitt and Steve Young to describe - in two words - what they believed would have happened if they had been told before the game that the Cowboys would commit six turnovers and force only one.

Emmitt said, "Cowboys lose big time."

Emmitt's Greatest Hits

My favorite Emmitt quotes. I had trouble deciding which ones to put here. I love them all.

"One thing that they did do yesterday for me, they got rid of that bad taste of the Giants kicking them square dead in the mouth last year, and now they moved on and did what they neededed to do against the Cleveland Browns." (Commentary: The past tense of need: needed. The past tense of needed: neededed!)
"These first three years was a transitional year for him." (Commentary: This could almost work if Emmitt was talking about a dog, but I don't know of any animal that ages three years for each one of ours.)
"These guys have their hands full completely today because Justin Tuck and Math... Mathias Kianokee are coming. These guys... Keanoka... I'm sorry. Mathias Keanoka." (Commentary: How could ESPN fire Emmitt if he's made so much progress? Last year, he called Al Harris "Al Jackson." This year, he got five of the eight letters of Mathias Kiwanuka's last name right. That's more than half!)
"So tonight, Eli and the Giants got hit with a bunch of emotions from the... from the Cleveland Browns football players." (Commentary: Damn emotions. The Giants were able to withstand "happy" and "sad," but when "angry" came at them, they just couldn't take it anymore.)
"Kurt, you probably the only guy in the locker room that has a Super Bowl ring." (Commentary: I love Emmitt's research. You "probably" the only guy. Come on, Emmitt! The cardinal rule of journalism is to be factually correct! Didn't ESPN make sure Emmitt would... Umm... never mind.)
"But when you look at their offense, both offensive line... line... for both teams are fairly mediocre. They pretty much weak." (Commentary: Poor Emmitt had two stabs at pluralizing the word "line" but just couldn't get there. Luckily, scoring touchdowns was much easier.)
"The head coach is a very good guy, and sometime good guys don't finish first." (Commentary: And sometime, you shouldn't use cliches if you don't know them.)
"There is no way they should allow the Redskins to be them the way that they did." (Commentary: Worst. Sentence. Ever. Seriously, my dog could put together a more coherent sentence. It's almost as if Emmitt gave up halfway through.)
"This Patriots team is destimated with injuries." (Commentary: It's almost as if devastated and estimated had a deformed child.)
"Ed Hochuli messed up the Chargers' career. But not only their career; their season." (Commentary: Yup. The Chargers' career is messed up and they're contemplating retirement. Ed Hochuli is a monster!)

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"Ben Roethlisbergers were gettin pressured!" (Commentary: This sentence would actually be grammatically correct if there were two or more Ben Roethlisbergers and they were both getting pressured at the same time. Sadly, I do not think this was the case.)
"Today I'm goin with Mr... Mo... Mr... Mg... Monte Kiffin of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers." (Commentary: I'm going out on a limb and saying that Emmitt learned his grammar from Porky Pig.)
"When it come down to being critical to one another..." (Commentary: Emmitt is now auditioning to take Dr. Phil's job, apparently.)
"They need to learn how to deal with success. They won 13 straight games last year and therefore they got the big-headed." (Commentary: So, it turns out that if you win 13 straight games, you don't get a Lombardi Trophy; you get the big-headed!)
"When it hit the ground, it's probably goin' be one of those kinda things that goes in and out. It's goin' be more bothersome than it is goin' hurt him... than it's goin' hurt him." (Commentary: Whoa, Emmitt, save the Sex ED talks for your son; not the national TV audience.)
"I think the Jets are keeping Brett inside a box. They need to just let him go..." (Commentary: So that's why the Jets struggled down the stretch. Damn boxes!!!)
"Flozell Adams need to shore up that back side." (Commentary: Not that there's anything wrong with that...)
"He may have the will, but it's remain to be seen." (Commentary: Thanks for contradicting yourself and confusing the audience even more, Emmitt.)
"Defensively, they were in the backfield most of the time, he can never really get going, the Saints was geared up for this tonight." (Commentary: When in doubt, don't think; just speak... even if you end up combining three sentences that don't have anything to do with each other.)
"When you start looking at some of the passes that Drew Brees had during the course of the game, where he dumped the passes off, the guy hit the wide receiver in the hand, he drops it, he flops in the air, then Minnesota gets the interception." (Commentary: Whoa, Emmitt, slow down - you lost me at "Drew Brees.")
"He's the guy that give you the strength." (Commentary: There's a guy? Why didn't A-Rod go to him instead of using steroids?)
"Well, obviously, LaDainian, his body is goin to go through significant changes and L.T. need to recognize that ... right around that middle time frame is when your body go through something that as a young player, you're not accustom to." (Commentary: Oh, boy. When Emmitt's son grows up, this is going to be an awkward and grammatically flawed conversation.)
"Keep your feet! If he do, it's touchdown, baby!" (Commentary: Emmitt apparently loses all control of his grammar when he gets excited. One can only imagine what happens when he "have a sexy time." "You give me the rice of passage, baby!")

"One thing that they did do yesterday for me, they got rid of that bad taste of the Giants kicking them square dead in the mouth last year, and now they moved on and did what they neededed to do against the Cleveland Browns." (Commentary: The past tense of need: needed. The past tense of needed: neededed!)
"These first three years was a transitional year for him." (Commentary: This could almost work if Emmitt was talking about a dog, but I don't know of any animal that ages three years for each one of ours.)
"These guys have their hands full completely today because Justin Tuck and Math... Mathias Kianokee are coming. These guys... Keanoka... I'm sorry. Mathias Keanoka." (Commentary: How could ESPN fire Emmitt if he's made so much progress? Last year, he called Al Harris "Al Jackson." This year, he got five of the eight letters of Mathias Kiwanuka's last name right. That's more than half!)
"So tonight, Eli and the Giants got hit with a bunch of emotions from the... from the Cleveland Browns football players." (Commentary: Damn emotions. The Giants were able to withstand "happy" and "sad," but when "angry" came at them, they just couldn't take it anymore.)
"Kurt, you probably the only guy in the locker room that has a Super Bowl ring." (Commentary: I love Emmitt's research. You "probably" the only guy. Come on, Emmitt! The cardinal rule of journalism is to be factually correct! Didn't ESPN make sure Emmitt would... Umm... never mind.)
"But when you look at their offense, both offensive line... line... for both teams are fairly mediocre. They pretty much weak." (Commentary: Poor Emmitt had two stabs at pluralizing the word "line" but just couldn't get there. Luckily, scoring touchdowns was much easier.)
"The head coach is a very good guy, and sometime good guys don't finish first." (Commentary: And sometime, you shouldn't use cliches if you don't know them.)
"There is no way they should allow the Redskins to be them the way that they did." (Commentary: Worst. Sentence. Ever. Seriously, my dog could put together a more coherent sentence. It's almost as if Emmitt gave up halfway through.)
"This Patriots team is destimated with injuries." (Commentary: It's almost as if devastated and estimated had a deformed child.)
"Ed Hochuli messed up the Chargers' career. But not only their career; their season." (Commentary: Yup. The Chargers' career is messed up and they're contemplating retirement. Ed Hochuli is a monster!)