Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009

Jerks of the Week for June 8, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Mike Brown

I touched on Mike Brown in my recently debacled NBA Picks page. I asked if a Coach of the Year was ever fired in the same season. I remember Philadelphia Flyers head coach Terry Murray foolishly get axed after losing in the Stanley Cup Finals to a vastly superior Detroit Red Wings team in 1997, but a Coach of the Year? That has never happened, right?

Well, not only would I like to suggest that Brown should be fired, I'd also like to declare that he's the worst coach in NBA history, and I believe it's for the best that he's banished from this country forever!!!

OK, I'll admit that I'm just pissed after going 0-6 against the spread in the Cleveland-Orlando series because of Brown's inexplicably stupid coaching maneuvers. But there's no doubting Brown's ineptitude.

From my NBA Picks page: "What did he possibly talk about in the locker room? 'Hey guys, you know how the Magic shoot threes really well? Here's my plan - we're going to leave them open just to psyche them out! Yeah! And on offense, we're just going to stand around and let LeBron do all of the work. Let's get 'em!'"

Brown failed to make a single adjustment throughout the entire series, prompting Bill Simmons to ask, "I have a legal question: Can LeBron sue Mike Brown for coaching negligence in this series? Is there a legal precedent?"

There should be. Greg Cox of TheFootballExpert added: "The only things missing from Mike Brown during ORL series was his cheerleader outfit and 'Go LeBron' sign."

The thing that pissed me off about Brown was when he was being interviewed after the first quarter in Game 6. I had Cleveland in the first half. I just got home and turned on the TV to see Brown smiling. "Good," I thought. "He's beaming. The Cavs must be up by like 25. Now, how am I going to spend the $200 I just won?"

My hopes and dreams came crashing down when I saw that the Magic were up, 30-25. Orlando extended its lead to about 85 points by halftime, thanks to wide-open threes from everyone on the roster. Bankroll debacled.

Hey Brown, the next time your team is losing, stop smiling. Better yet, go deport yourself. And please make at least one freaking adjustment in a series. Just one. That's all I ask.


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: David Stern

This goes hand in hand with Jerk No. 1. I don't see how David Stern could have possibly allowed the Magic to beat the Cavaliers to set up the most boring NBA Finals of all time. Game 1 saw the Lakers win by 25, and they stopped trying after two-and-a-half quarters. Game 2 was closer, but there was never any doubt that the Lakers were going to win.

LeBron versus Kobe would have been epic. Instead, we have a team that shoots nothing but threes going up against a coach who actually tells his players to defend the outside shooters. What a concept.

Mike Brown's coaching ineptness would have made the Orlando series difficult to fix, but Stern should still have done something.

He should have told the officials to favor Cleveland. He should have put horse laxative in Dwight Howard's Gatorade. He should have drugged Stan Van Gundy with roofies so the coaching would have been balanced out. He should have ran onto the court and whacked Rashard Lewis in the kneecaps with a baseball bat.

Better yet, perhaps Stern should have done all four things, or really anything to prevent this crappy Magic-Lakers series.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Indoor Soccer Guys

Don't worry soccer fanatics; this is not an anti-soccer post, although I'll always maintain that if you put pads on soccer players and allow them to hit each other, the sport would be 50,000 times better. Trust me.

Call me an ignorant American - please do, I'm proud of my ignorance - but I just don't get what the fuss is about when the sport goes something like: "Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Shoot. Miss. Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Shoot. Miss. Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Kick. Pass. Shoot. Score. Overenthusiastic celebration. Rinse, repeat."

But like I said, this is not an anti-soccer post. My beef is with indoor soccer players, namely the guys at my gym. These guys - most of whom are Mongolians, by the way (not that there's anything wrong with that) - rented out the basketball court in the winter and early spring at 5 on Saturdays. This always pissed me off because my friends and I play pick-up basketball games on Saturday afternoons. But the gym reserves the right to rent out the court after 5 on weekends, so whatever.

After Memorial Day weekend, we thought the soccer players would go away and play, you know, outside because the weather is, you know, nice. Nope. These A-holes continue to rent the gym out at 5 most Saturdays, even though the weather has been perfect and there's a freaking soccer field right outside the gym building!

This is where my padding idea came from. If padding were allowed in soccer, I'd dress up and disguise myself as one of these Mongolians. I'd even put on cheap cologne to seal the deal. Then, I'd start playing with them and take cheap shots at every player. I'd even go out of my way to crash into the goalies' ACLs. Ha! That'll show 'em who owns the court.