Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009

Jerks of the Week for July 6, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Spammers

Everyone hates spammers, so I'm not exactly breaking any news here. What astonishes me though is the stupidity of some of these spammers.

When someone signs up for the forum, I go into the Admin page and can usually immediately determine if they're a spammer or not. For example, if someone signs up and their time zone is something like GMT -12:00 Eniwetok, Kwajalein - AUTOMATIC BAN.

I mean, really, someone from those two South Pacific islands likes football and is willing to join the forums? I can't imagine that they've even heard of football down there; they may know of soccer and probably compete to see who can catch the most fish each day, but that's about it.

Then, there are the spammers who list their ICQ number - AUTOMATIC BAN.

For those unfamiliar with ICQ, it's an instant-messaging program used in foreign countries, usually those belonging to spammers. I've only met one person in America who uses ICQ, and she was a girl who recently came from Russia. She would have been cute if it weren't for her mustache.

And finally, we have the spammers who are complete idiots. For instance, under occupation, one spammer wrote, "New Zealand." Oh, really?

"Hey man, what do you do for a living?"

"I do New Zealand, what do you do?"

Nope, didn't make sense in that context. Fail. (AUTOMATIC BAN.)

For spammers smart enough to give me a more realistic time zone, avoid listing their ICQ number and elude listing "New Zealand" as their occupation, I can simply copy-paste their e-mail address or IP address into Google. There are Web sites out there that list the IP addresses and e-mail addresses of known spammers, so if I spot something that's listed in those databases - AUTOMATIC BAN.

If I'm diligent enough, we won't have any spammers on the forum. We get about five a day who attempt to promote porn sites, World of Warcraft, Cialis, hammers (not kidding) and other useless junk.

I never understood what spammers are trying to accomplish anyway. Their main goal is to build enough links coming into their site, but doing it this way is just going to lead to their links being erased. Any well-moderated forum will delete their posts within minutes, rendering their efforts useless. And any forum that's not moderated probably has low traffic and carries a low Google ranking anyway, so a link from there is pretty pointless.

But I guess I'm making too much sense here. These spammers date mustache-clad girls and do New Zealand for a living, so anything I tell them that doesn't include "Cialis," "Warcraft Gold" or "Hammers!" will probably fall on deaf ears.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Old Pervert in Steam Room

I love to eat cheeseburgers, pizza, meatball sandwiches and cheese steaks every day, so to be able to do that, I need to swim a few times a week. Thursday was the third day this week that I was in the pool, so halfway through my workout, I became bored and decided to go into the steam room instead.

Once I stepped inside, I noticed two Asian girls sitting on the near bench. One was very hot and was wearing a greenish-blue bikini. The other wasn't too attractive, but I think I would have been intrigued if I had eight or more beers in me.

So, I sat down on the opposite bench. As I did that, the hot Asian girl got up and went to the cold-water spigot to rinse herself off. Completely aroused, I was pondering how I could possibly turn this into a positive situation for myself. Unfortunately, before I was able to do anything, an old man sitting in the corner spoke up.

"Oooh, was that nice?" he sneered with a Russian accent.

The girl looked perplexed.

"Yeah, I guess," she responded, giving an odd look to her semi-ugly friend.

The hot Asian girl sat down next to her friend. They said something to each other in some oriental language, and they both got up and walked out of the steam room. As they did this, Old Pervert in Steam Room pranced after them.

Thanks a lot, douche bag. Imagine the possibilities if Old Pervert in Steam Room wasn't there. I could have possibly had a threesome with the two Asian chicks (though finding a paper bag for the ugly girl would have been a challenge.) I could have also gotten a number, or at the very least, been slapped in the face. That would have been somewhat hot.

As the two Asian chicks and Old Pervert in Steam Room walked out, another old man wearing a flower speedo walked in. He sat down and continuously went, "Uhh... uhh... uhh... uhh..."

I was aroused no more.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Steve McNair's Killer(s)

In case you've been living under a rock, Steve McNair was found dead from a gunshot wound in his Nashville condo.

I don't have an allegiance to any team, but Steve was one of my favorite NFL players. He was one of the toughest quarterbacks and fiercest competitors I've ever seen. He was constantly hurt, but somehow always played through the pain, leading the Titans deep into the playoffs on multiple occasions.

I don't know if Steve will be inducted into the Hall of Fame, but if I had a choice, I would certainly vote him in. But more importantly, I just hope his killer(s) are found and swiftly brought to justice. There's absolutely no reason anything should have led to this.

Rest in peace, Air McNair.