Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009

Jerks of the Week for July 13, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Jacko's Ghost

In case you've accidentally been swallowed by Sally Struthers or Rosie O'Donnell and haven't heard the news lately, there has been speculation - mostly by idiots with no life - that Michael Jackson's ghost is haunting his own house. In fact, there's a YouTube video going around where a CNN camera catches Jacko's Ghost strolling from one side of the room to the other. And by Jacko's Ghost, I mean a freaking shadow.

Jacko is the new Elvis. For decades, idiots have speculated that Elvis faked his own death. Now, the same people and possibly their offspring will be theorizing that Jacko's Ghost will be haunting his estate as long as there are trees to climb, Ferris wheels to ride, young kids to have sleepovers with, and greedy, irresponsible parents living next door to file lawsuits.

No lie, I received about 40 e-mails from random spammers who linked to stories and videos about Jacko's Ghost the day CNN's camera panned on the shadow. I've had numerous people asking me if I saw Jacko's Ghost. There's even a thread about it on the forum.

This has to stop. If I'm right and Jacko's Ghost was really a shadow - I'm convinced CNN staged this to increase their crappy ratings - I demand that cameras be installed in every room of Jackson's old estate just so we can dispel the notion of an undead apparition haunting his old house and amusement parks.

And if Jacko's Ghost is the real deal, I have an even better solution. I say we dangle the ghost of a 6-year-old boy in front of Jacko's Ghost. Once we see him do anything resembling promiscuity, we arrest Jacko's Ghost and throw him into ghost jail.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook

I have this party coming up. I've been debating whether to bring someone or not.

If I don't, I could have fun playing beer pong and gaming the girls at the party. However, if this thing turns out to be a sausage fest or a gathering of obese women, I'm screwed - or rather, not screwed. However, if I bring a date, there's a better chance of sexy time, but I might miss the opportunity to meet someone new. It's the age old dilemma.

There has been this chick who has intrigued me in the past (above-average face, great body), but I've never been able to do anything about it. Every time I want to talk to her, something distracts me, whether it's another girl, massive doses of alcohol I've already ingested, or my sister's hair catching on fire. True story.

So, I looked at this girl's Facebook profile before IMing her. I knew she had been single before and saw nothing that noted she was in a relationship, so IMed her and asked if she wanted to come. She said yes.

Sexy time, very nice, high five, right? Not so much.

Her next IM: "Aww it's a shame, my boyfriend can't come, he's working."

I nearly debacled my monitor. Boyfriend!? Did I miss something? Her Facebook profile said nothing about a boyfriend. I went back to make sure, and I was right. Nothing under relationship status. Curious, I looked at her pictures, and sure enough, one was of her kissing some a**hole.

At this point I was contemplating skipping the party all together. I've been screwed both ways - this girl wouldn't know anyone at the party, so I'd have to "babysit" her the whole time. That means no new women, and one or two beer pong games at the most (she sucks at it.)

Fortunately, my prayers were answered a few days later when she IMed me and told me she wouldn't be coming with me because she and her boyfriend (who took off from work I'm assuming) were going down the shore instead.

I was saved from a night of utter boredom, but that's beside the point. The fact remains that I was nearly screwed out of a fun time because some chick decided not to list her relationship status on Facebook.

Therefore, I'd like to appeal to congress to create a new law. Never mind the stupid stimulus crap and whatnot - this is far more important: All women shall be forced to accurately list their relationship status on Facebook. Guys are obviously excluded because it's in our blood to sleep around and spread STDs across the world.

Think of how glorious this law would be: No more parties and nights out ruined thanks to fraudulent information. No more "Kelly is engaged. Kelly is single. Kelly is married. Kelly is single" changes in the span of three days (seriously, make up your damn mind or make some better decisions.)

And best of all, no more fake, obscure relationships where two chicks are married via Facebook. If two chicks actually do get married, I want to be able to download the video and enjoy myself, if you know what I mean.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: My Evil Neighbor's Kid

In an earlier Jerks entry, I discussed the annoying kids and the milf who live next to me. Now, I'd like to talk about the people who live on the other side of my house - or as I like to call them, the Evil Vietnamese Family.

These people just moved in a few months ago. I've never seen the father or the mother leave the house. Seriously - their car is always parked in front. Every two or three days, they have what sounds like 50 people over at night, and they sit outside, and just laugh, talk loudly and yell obnoxiously. They also have two sons who currently go to my old elementary school.

I should note that the younger kid is an annoying weirdo. Every time he sees me, he continuously asks me questions. "What's your dog's name? How old is your dog? How old are you? What kind of dog is that? How long have you had the dog? Is the dog a boy or a girl? Do you have a cat? Do the dogs and cats fight? How long have you been living here?" And this was just in one encounter I've had with him.

He also tends to stand outside and do nothing for hours. Seriously, I came home from the gym one day and he was standing on the sidewalk just looking at the ground. I left my house an hour later to grab dinner, and he was still there in the same position.

Now that I've established this family, here's a funny story:

The woman who lives across the street from them works for the IRS. One night, she came home around 8 pm or so. This kid ran up to her, asking his usual dumb questions.

"Why did you come home so late?" he asked.

"I just finished work," the woman said, looking pretty annoyed.

"What do you do for work?" the weird kid asked.

"I work for the IRS," the woman replied, edging closer toward the door.

"What is the IRS?" the kid asked.

"Oh, well, I work with taxes."

"My daddy doesn't pay any taxes!"

As the kid said this, his father ran over and dragged the kid back to the house. The woman just stared back, her mouth agape.

Best moment ever in the history of my street.

At that moment, it was clear to me - this man is a diabolical super villain whose goal is to destroy the United States by not paying any taxes. The loud get-togethers in his new "evil lair" every third night is a gathering of other super villains who laugh loudly about not paying any taxes.

But like every diabolical super villain, this guy made a fatal mistake and kept around a worthless henchman who screwed everything up and ruined his plans. This worthless henchman is his son, who stands around doing nothing, presumably awaiting his next evil order. He exposed his father's evil plans to a government official.

Congratulations, annoying Vietnamese kid. When they build a Pathetic Henchmen Hall of Fame, you'll be right there alongside Beebop, Rocksteady and the Koopalings.