Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009

Jerks of the Week for July 20, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Erin Andrews' Voyeur

If you haven't heard, horny males everywhere were excited Saturday when news broke regarding a video on YouTube where hot ESPN reporter Erin Andrews stripped naked in her hotel room. Google later took down the video after Andrews' lawyers threatened to debacle them.

Apparently, some guy videotaped her undressing through a peephole or a keyhole in her hotel room. While a few are quick to label this man a hero, I think he's a scumbag.

I guess I'd be OK with it if this were a 12-year-old or something; when I was 12, my friends and I discovered a hole in a secluded area of the men's locker room that allowed us to see into the bathroom of the women's locker room. At the time, we thought this was the greatest discovery known to man, even though we never actually saw any naked chicks.

Still, we were thrilled about being able to see into the Promised Land, and only the cool kids were in on our secret. I don't know how I qualified, seeing as how back then I had a mushroom cut, braces, no game with girls, tons of acne, and a wardrobe that was comprised of cheap t-shirts and sweat pants, but I'm not going to argue.

Finding a hole in a locker room is one thing; following a woman to a hotel room, bringing a camera, waiting until she undressed so you could film her, and then uploading it to YouTube is a completely different matter. Doing so and stashing it in your own private porn collection wouldn't be so terrible, I suppose, but showing it to the entire world and embarrassing a woman who did nothing wrong is disgusting.

How would you feel if someone caught you doing something embarrassing - anything from eating your boogers, to playing with stuffed animal dolls, to whacking off - and then uploaded it onto YouTube? Unfortunately for yourself, you wouldn't have the money to hire powerful lawyers capable of epically debacling a major corporation like Google.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Allergies

When I was a kid, aside from having a mushroom cut, braces, no game with girls, tons of acne, and a wardrobe comprised of cheap t-shirts and sweat pants, I also had terrible allergies. I would get them multiple times per year, and they'd be so bad I'd be forced to miss school. Oh, the horror.

Fortunately, I don't get allergies anymore. They flare up once a year, if that. Unfortunately, that "once" occurred a few days ago at the worst time possible.

Let me preface this by saying that 99 percent of my neighborhood consists of nothing but old people, Indian people, married couples with young kids, and evil Vietnamese families (you may already know this from my other Jerks entries.) There are a few people my age, but definitely not enough.

So anyway, I was walking my dog Wednesday afternoon. I was going up a hill when I saw this incredibly hot chick walking out of a house (for those of you who live near me, it was at 590 Re**** Road.) She was a tan brunette with incredible legs, and I had never seen her before in my life.

I probably would have had an instant hard-on, but I was distracted by her dad, who incoherently yelled at me, "That dog gotta be hot!" prompting the chick to go, "Ugh, dad!"

Suddenly, my nose was stuffed and my eyes teared up. I don't know if it was the weather, the dogs at 588 Re**** Road, or the chick's perfume, but my allergies were so insane at that point that tears came out of my eyes.

Unfortunately, this chick saw me crying and gave me a disgusted look. I told this story to my friend Steve, and he told me I should have said, "Hey, you're so beautiful that you're making me cry." However, at that point, I was more concerned with hiding my face more than anything, and doing so in front of her dad probably would have been a bad move.

I kept walking and eventually she and her dad drove past me. I glanced at the car and noticed the hot chick look at me. Score!

Maybe my tears showed her that I'm a man who isn't afraid to show his emotions (even though that's not true.)

Still, I'm wondering if I'm going to have any game the next time I see her. If I do - and I'll keep you apprised - this could lead to a new fad where the only thing guys need to do to get laid is to cry in front of a hot chick.

If so, remember where you first heard this revolutionary strategy. I won't ask for anything more than a few more hits, though a platinum, diamond, ruby and emerald statue of myself wouldn't hurt.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Valley Club Protestors

I don't know how big this story is, or how many of you have heard about it, but it's been covered in the Washington Post, and even the brain-dead Paris Hilton commented about it, so it has to be on quite a few people's radars.

Here's what happened, in case you don't know:

The Valley Swim Club is about a 3-minute drive from my house. Most of its members are wealthy, upper-middle-class suburbanites (a.k.a. rich white people.) Because free pools in the inner city have shut down (thanks to our high taxes and incredibly incompetent mayors), the Valley Swim Club was nice enough to take in a camp of young black kids from Northwest Philadelphia. This camp paid $1,950 to join Valley.

However, once the black kids showed up, they were taunted by some of the white kids. The lifetime Valley Club members then threatened to leave for good. Thus, it appeared that the Valley Club's president's hands were tied. He refunded the money to the black camp and asked them not to come back.

As a result, there have been protestors picketing outside of the club (my sister saw them and told me they looked like inbred hicks.) The media has slammed the Valley Club, calling its patrons and the president "racist." The families of these black kids are threatening to sue until the swim club is closed for good.

With that in mind, there are several things the biased media isn't telling you:

The president of the club denied any racism, and said his decision was based on the lack of lifeguards at the club.

The idiot protestors laughed that off, but they completely ignore the fact that the president asked other camps to leave as well! The black kids weren't the only ones asked to leave; there were camps of white kids sent packing too.

Even if there was racist motivation involved, if you run a business, you can't ignore your perennial customers, especially in this economy. If the longtime members left and the Philly pool eventually reopened, the club wouldn't have any patrons and would go out of business. The president made the right business decision.

My parents are white, and they were even denied membership when they applied years ago. I can hear the protestors now: "Maybe the club president doesn't like people with long last names either! Let's get him!"

Oh, and by the way, if the patrons said racist remarks to the black kids, tough luck. Though I don't condone racism, it's not illegal. I'm sure a group of white kids would receive similar treatment from the members of a predominantly black pool... and my guess is that neither the biased media nor Perez Hilton would give it any attention.

Sorry for this long rant, but as you can tell, I hate protestors, I hate when people cry racism at every opportunity, and I hate it when idiot celebrities comment on a situation they know nothing about.

With all of this hatred, I fully expect the protestors to make the 10-minute walk to my house and begin picketing in front of it. Let them come. I'll just say it was an "accident" when my 115-pound Akita "escapes" from my house and is "told to attack" any sign-carrying people who look like inbred hicks.