Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009

Jerks of the Week for July 27, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Party of Eight

Party of Five was a crappy 90s show on FOX that only girls watched. Party of Eight was a crappy family that invaded a restaurant I frequent on Saturday evenings.

As my friends and I walked into New England Pizza this past Saturday, we ran into a Mexican family of eight that was also entering the restaurant. I thought nothing of it at the time; I even held the door for a girl who was limping and left behind by her family.

My friends and I waited at the front of the restaurant to be seated - you know, like normal people do. The Mexican family, meanwhile, stampeded to the back of the restaurant, looped around, and approached a circular table in the corner.

They then attempted to cram themselves into the circular booth, which was pretty comical because that table barely seats six. I should note that all of this was occurring without the knowledge of any of the New England Pizza workers. The only more obnoxious thing this family could have done is summon a Mexican ranchero band to serenade them throughout dinner - and that's doubly obnoxious because ranchero music sucks.

Eventually the manager came over and suggested that they move to a larger table in the middle of the restaurant. The manager then told us to sit at the circular booth. I was just thrilled because the hotter of the two waitresses tends to serve that table. Score.

The Mexican family, however, wasn't as thrilled at the prospect of moving.

"I don't want ta move, mang," the head of the family said.

"This plaaaace is ruuuude," his fat wife chimed in.

The Mexican family then decided to leave New England Pizza. Instead of following conventional wisdom and moving to a larger table, they were offended when the manager pointed out their stupidity and futile efforts to stuff eight people into a six-man booth.

"I don't know what that was all about," the manager later told us. "Whatever, they can leave... your waitress will be with you shortly."

Unfortunately, our waitress was not one of the hot ones that usually serves us. So as you can imagine, I nearly joined the Mexican family in storming out of the restaurant.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Toxic Hell

Last week, I had to go to Best Buy to look for a new laptop. I was also in the mood for some Taco Bell. Unfortunately for my cholesterol level and arteries, the two are in the same shopping center around here.

I asked my friend Melissa if she wanted to come with.

"Toxic Hell?" Melissa replied. "No thanks, I'll pass."

Melissa made a wise choice. After looking around Best Buy for 15 minutes and buying nothing, my large stomach took over my body and commanded my legs to walk down to Taco Bell.

I walked into the sacred place. There was only one other customer in there, an enormous fat man with a gray, scruffy beard. He apparently ordered and was waiting for his meal; he was already happily sipping soda out of his Taco Bell cup.

No one was at the register, so I waited. And waited. And waited. It seriously took 10 minutes until someone walked up to me. Thankfully, it was the manager, who asked me if I was already taken care of. I replied no, prompting the manager to yell, "Yo, T-Y, come here! Sorry sir, you'll be taken care of in a second."

A second turned into two minutes. Finally, this T-Y fellow, who was probably in the back dropping a deuce, came along and took my order. Curiously, the fat man went behind me and ordered again: "Yes I would also like a personal pan pizza in addition to my order." This guy was unstoppable.

I took my cup and filled it up with Cherry Pepsi. They put my three tacos in a bag, and told me my breadsticks were coming up. Two minutes later, T-Y placed the breadsticks on the counter. I assumed they were mine, but the fat man, who already held his personal pan pizza in his hand, glanced at me nervously. He then made his move. He grabbed the breadsticks and quickly wobbled out of the restaurant.

At the time, I assumed they were his. I questioned it a little bit, but I didn't want to grab his breadsticks and run the risk of him eating me.

So, I waited for my breadsticks. I waited. And waited. And waited. There was no one at the register for 10 minutes. I seriously could have robbed the place, and no one would have known. T-Y once again disappeared, and I felt sorry for the toilet he was debacling.

By the time T-Y finally came back, I was almost done my Cherry Pepsi. I asked where my breadsticks were, and he said that he thought he gave them to me. That's when my suspicions were confirmed: The fat man stole my breadsticks!

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Little Caesar

Remember the Little Caesars' mascot? For you youngins, in the 90s, Little Caesars Pizza ran ad campaigns featuring a little animated Greek man who always ended the commercials by saying, "Pizza-pizza."

The Little Caesar disappeared for years. Most of you probably have forgotten about him. But I'm proud to announce that after all of these years, I finally found him.

I had to order breadsticks again once I realized that the fat man stole mine. As I was doing this, a small Mexican man with a mustache strolled into Taco Bell and waited behind me. Once T-Y confirmed my order, he asked the small Mexican man what he wanted. The Mexican man's answer is one I'll never forget:

"Pisa-pisa."

I'm not making this up. Even T-Y was flabbergasted. I had to turn around because I was laughing so hard.

T-Y finally confirmed what the Mexican man wanted (a personal pan pizza, among other things) and told him his "out total" was $12.81. The Mexican man then took a bunch of bills out of his pocket, counted them, and then gave them to T-Y. T-Y's reaction to this was hilarious:

"Uhh... sir... you gave me $14. Here's a dollar back, and 19 cents is your change."

As you can imagine, Little Caesar was very confused.

So, what made Little Caesar a jerk aside from his comical appearance? When T-Y handed me my breadsticks, I put them in the bag with my tacos. As I was doing this, the Little Caesar leaned over and literally put his head into my bag.

I had to quickly move the bag before he could make any contact with my food. This once again startled Little Caesar, but I didn't care - I was not having my breadsticks stolen twice in the same day!