Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009

Jerks of the Week for Sept. 28, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons

Just by the title, you may know what I'm talking about. If not, my sister sent me this article about people who are crying racism over a new Disney movie.

If you don't, and you're too lazy to click on the link, here's the premise: A princess falls in love with a prince. Shocking, right? Well, here's the twist: Initially the princess was a black girl who worked for a white family in New Orleans. Eventually, the princess falls in love with an Indian prince, and for some reason, they both turn into frogs. I don't know about you, but this sounds very unrealistic to me.

Now, I'm the most tolerant person in the world when it comes to racism (if you couldn't tell by last week's entries about stupid racism-accusers like Jimmy Carter), but even I cringed when I heard that a black princess was working for a white family. Disney apparently thought this was wrong too, so they changed her occupation to a chef. So now, a black chef princess falls in love with an Indian prince, and they both turn into frogs for some reason. I still don't think this is too realistic, but I could be wrong.

Disney made the occupation change, so why are there losers still complaining about racism? Well, apparently they are pissed off that the prince isn't black as well.

Let's think about that for a second. There are idiots out there pissed off about racism because two different minorities are the two lead roles in a movie. The hypocrisy is debacling me.

To the few morons who are pissed off that there isn't a black prince in the movie: I'm mad as well. Actually, I'm not mad, but I have a friend who is a short, angry Filipino. I bet he's angry. Stupid Disney wanted a minority prince, and they went with an Indian. Why not a short, angry Filipino prince? I am outraged for my friend, and I will fight for this until Disney makes things right.

In fact, why should I stop there? I think there should be lots of princes in this movie from every single race and culture. If this movie comes out and I don't see a half-Norwegian, half-North Korean transsexual with manic depression, I will be very offended.

Not that I'm a half-Norwegian, half-North Korean transsexual with manic depression, but I feel as though these people should be represented. Somewhere out there is a young half-Norwegian, half-North Korean transsexual with manic depression who thinks that he can't be a prince when he grows up because Disney hasn't represented his people in the prince department.

Heck, there hasn't even been a half-Norwegian, half-North Korean transsexual with manic depression in a single Disney movie. And if that isn't racist, I don't know what is.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: My Friend and Me

I was walking my dog a week ago. My friend Steve saw me and joined me. We were just talking about fantasy football when we noticed one of our fellow neighbors crawling on all fours on his front lawn.

Now, I have to explain something. I call this guy the "Bum on My Street." He's not really a bum; he just looks and acts like one. Apparently, he's taken so many hard-core drugs in his life that they've fried his brain. He has long, gray hair. He never wears a shirt (only short jean shorts). He lives with his brother, and does nothing except scare the children and females on my street, and smoke cigarettes (as well as other stuff in his room).

Talking to him is futile. He's completely insane and lives in his own world. For example, he talks to squirrels and yells at them if he feels that they don't listen to him. Also, during the election when local politicians came around to meet people, the Bum on My Street campaigned for himself. He said he would give everyone 70 percent off. Seventy percent off what? No one really knew, but I'm sure it made sense in his mind.

Anyway, the Bum on My Street was crawling on all fours on his front lawn with a cigarette in his hand. My friend asked him what he was doing.

Bum on My Street: "I lost something. Did you see it?"
Steve: "What did you lose?"
Bum on My Street: "Eh? I... uhh... I forget."
Steve: "Nah, we haven't seen it. We'll let you know if we see it."

We joked about the bum losing the key to his magical kingdom, but quickly forgot about him until we walked past his house on the way back.

This time, the Bum on My Street was smoking a cigarette in front of his house. He spotted us and ran across the street toward us. I don't know why (though I have a good idea), but he was really happy. Seriously, he had the brightest smile I've seen from anyone ever.

Bum on My Street: "Hey, what are you two dudes doin!?"
Steve: "We're going to meet someone."
Bum on My Street: "Oh OK!"

The Bum on My Street then turned around and ran toward his house.

So, why are my friend and I jerks? Well, as soon as the drugs wore off, I'm sure the Bum on My Street would have been sad that he didn't get to hang out with us.

Poor bum. Not only did he lose something, he was also rejected from hanging out with two random dudes he barely knows. To summarize, he lost his shirt, his mind and the key to his magical kingdom. The least Steve and I could do was hang out with him.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Just Me

Last week, Matt McGuire grilled me for making fun of fat people. This week, I'd like to bash myself for making fun of foreigners.

Once in a while, this Russian guy will play in pick-up games with me at my gym. He's an older guy (late 50s?) and has a great 3-point shot, but his English is terrible. To give you an idea, we played two games of 3-on-3 on Saturday. After we were done, he had no idea that his team won both games. In fact, he was shocked when he learned this.

About a few months ago, he saw me in the locker room.

Russian Man: "How are you doing, seeerrr?"
Me: "I'm OK, you?"
Russian Man: "Vhat do you do for your job?"
Me: "I run a football Web site, WalterFootball.com."
Russian Man: "Oho! Iz this about American football?"
Me: "Yep."
Russian Man: "Vhere can I go to learn about zis American football?"
Me: "To learn about football? I guess you can go on Wikipedia to read about it."

The Russian man asked me to write down the URL for Wikipedia. I gave him the paper and didn't see him for about a month. The next time I ran into him, he told me he checked out my site.

Russian Man: "I like your Veb site. Iz good!"
Me: "Thanks, I appreciate it."
Russian Man: "Yes, you have every language on zhere! I can read in Russian!"
Me: "Uhh... what?"
Russian Man: "I can rrrread about everyzing! It iz amazing Veb site!"
Me: "Umm... Oh, yeah. Thanks."

Apparently, the Russian Man went to Wikipedia and believed it was my Web site. Every time I see him, he tells me that he constantly visits my site and learns something new all the time. I've continued to roll with it.

On Saturday, I played 3-on-3 with him. Afterward, a few of us were sitting in the lobby. He came out of the locker room and made an announcement:

"The next time I vill be here iz yesterday! I vill be here yesterday!"

I seriously had to shield my face because I couldn't stop cracking up. Either he mixed up the words "yesterday" and "tomorrow," or he was going to travel back in time to go to the gym the day before. Perhaps he'll go on my "Web site" and figure out how to move back through time.

The bottom line is that making fun of him amuses me. I have nothing against goofy foreigners, but they can be hilariously funny.

I wouldn't say that makes me racist though. If you're convinced that I am, re-read my first Jerks of the Week entry. I look out for my half-Norwegian, half-North Korean, manic depressive transsexual friends. Not that I'd ever be friends with someone like that, but that's beside the point.