Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009

Jerks of the Week for Nov. 2, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Community

Community is a new show on NBC. If you haven't seen it, it's a half-hour comedy about a couple of community college students, including a weird, old man played by Chevy Chase.

It's pretty solid. I laugh occasionally. It's not a great show by any means, but it has definitely captivated me.

It's only "pretty solid," so you may wonder why it has captivated me. Well, the chick who plays Annie on the show (Alison Brie) is easily one of the hottest women I've ever seen. In fact, I almost won a bet I made with myself in last week's NFL Picks page where she would have to show up to my house and do naughty things with me. I was THIS close to winning the bet against myself, but the stupid Jaguars kicker ruined everything for me by missing an extra point. Idiot!

Community is one of my three Jerks of the Week for a few reasons. First, the main character swoons over some blonde instead. The blonde is pretty hot too, but she's older than and not as attractive as Annie.

The reason this pisses me off is because Annie is relegated to being a side character who has only occasional funny interactions with Chevy Chase or the weird Indian guy on the show. Annie should be in every scene - even if the scene has nothing to do with her.

Also, I feel as though Annie is too clothed. The blonde girl occasionally wears revealing outfits, yet Annie seldom shows the audience anything. I vote that Annie wears either a towel or lingerie in every scene from now on - even if it doesn't make sense for her to do so.

In fact, let's just scrape all of the other actors. We don't need them. We can even rename the show "What is Annie Doing?" Who wouldn't watch that? She could be eating dinner or sleeping one week, but the next week she could be showering or mud wrestling with another hot chick.

There's no doubt in my mind that "What is Annie Doing?" would be the highest-rated TV show in the history of the world. If I weren't technologically challenged and knew how to DVR stuff, I'd DVR it and watch it 50 times in a row.

NBC is really dropping the ball on this. "What is Annie Doing?" would be the greatest show of all time. If you work for NBC and are reading this, mention my idea to the network heads. In fact, you can even say it's your idea if you want the credit. I wouldn't care. As long as I know what Annie is doing, I'm a happy man.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Urkel Kid

I was at Best Buy a month ago to get my sister her birthday present. I decided on getting her DVDs of the latest seasons of Desperate Housewives and Heroes.

When I went to go pay for the DVDs, I noticed something strange about the cashier.

Now, before I get into this, I must explain something to you. I live in Philadelphia, which was rated by some magazine as the fattest (or ugliest - can't remember which one) city in America. My local Best Buy employees epitomize that. Every single woman in the store is fat or hideously skinny (think Skeletor). The rare girl who isn't either has something wrong with her, whether it's a huge blemish or a burn mark. It's really disgusting.

Anyway, the cashier was strange because she was incredibly hot. She had brown/blond hair with semi-tan skin and light eyes. She also had a great body. (Quick note: Annie is hotter, especially if she's mud wrestling.)

So, I stood in line behind this mom and her kid who were buying some Playstation 3 game. While I was waiting, I was thinking of something witty or funny to say to her. However, my thought process was interrupted by a fat black woman who was trying to get my attention.

"Next in line!" she shouted.

The other register opened, and the fat black female cashier was motioning me over. I told her that I was fine and waved her off. She placed her hands on her hips and looked at me with menacing eyes as if she was going to sit on me.

"I'll help whoever's next in line!" she bellowed.

I didn't want to cause a scene, and I do like all of my bones in place, so I begrudgingly slumped over to her. Defeated, I put the DVDs onto the counter and asked, "How are you doing?"

Instead of a clear answer, she stared me down, shook her head and said, "Hmph!"

As I was waiting for her to tally up the total, I noticed that the hot cashier bent over. I enjoyed staring at her a**.

Unfortunately, the nerdy kid buying the Playstation 3 game started laughing. His mom noticed this and she asked him what he was laughing at.

Urkel composed himself and said, "That man is looking at that girl's butt!"

Everyone around us, including the hot cashier, stopped what they were doing. For a second, there was complete silence, but everyone started laughing. Everyone that is, except for the hot cashier, who stared at me with an angry look.

At that point, I didn't know what to do, so I just shrugged my shoulders and nodded my head. She gave me a disgusted look and turned around back toward Urkel and his mom.

So, I paid my total, and the fat black lady bagged my DVDs and handed them to me. She told me to have a nice day, but laughed while saying so. In fact, she was having so much fun at my expense that her eyes were watering.

I took my DVDs and left the store. As soon as I walked out, it started raining. At that point, I felt like Charlie Brown - when fat black ladies start laughing at you, you know you're having a bad day.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Leaf Man Cock Blocker

I've since gotten over the incident at Best Buy. In fact, I even went back there recently. I take embarrassment in stride. When I was in grade school, I had a mullet, and my sister always feels like she has to show everyone pictures of my old hairdo. Nothing at this point can top that - not even getting called out by an Urkel facsimile for staring at a hot girl's a**.

However, that same night I went to the gym. As with Best Buy, a hot girl is a rare sight at my gym. There are a couple of hot girls working there, but most of the members are male. The rare female member is 60 years old at the very youngest.

But things were different that night. After lifting some weights, I decided to go swimming. I did about 20 laps when I noticed two girls jump into the pool. One seemed as if she was my age (27); she had long brown hair, fair skin and nice legs. The other looked like her younger sister, but was also decent-looking.

At first, all they were doing was talking, so I just kept on swimming. After about 12 more laps, I stopped again to fix my goggles. I looked over at the girls, who seemed to notice that I was standing at the wall. At that point, the older/hotter one playfully tackled the younger one. They then started wrestling around in the pool, occasionally looking over to see if they had my attention.

You can bet that they did. I don't know what it is, but there's something about two hot bikini-clad women playfully wrestling that arouses me. Am I crazy?

Eventually, they got out of the pool. I did a few more laps, but then the thought occurred to me that they might be in the steam room. I got out and went over. I saw the older/hotter one through the glass door, so I knew my suspicions were correct. Jackpot! There was going to be a sexy time for me!

Unfortunately, I opened the door and noticed that the steam room was crowded. The two hot girls were sandwiched in between two old fat women. In the corner was a Russian man in his 50s who was hitting himself with a branch full of leaves.

(Side note: Plenty of Russian people do this at my gym. I don't get why these guys are fascinated with pelting themselves with leaves. It's actually against the rules to do this because it makes a mess, but no one follows the rules at my gym. Hell, no one even pays for a membership, and I can't blame them because Oompa Loompa ruins everything for everyone.)

My options were limited. There were only three spots where I could sit down. Two of them were in the corners where the steam came out. The third was next to Leaf Man, where I would be showered with dirty leaves. I chose the steam.

At first it wasn't so bad. It was a little warm, but I could definitely hold out until the two fat sloths and Leaf Man left us alone. Yeah, I definitely thought I could...

A minute later, I kept shifting around to transfer the heat to my other body parts. My a** and both of my hamstrings were on fire. At that point, I had to get up. I could have been promised a 10-some with nine girls, and I would have denied it because the pain was too much for me to handle.

I stood up and realized I had nowhere to go. I tried the other corner instead.

"Not so bad... not so bad... kinda bad, but I can handle it... umm... ouch!!!"

I stood up again and returned to my original spot.

"I can do this... I can do this... I can do this... I can't do this... Ahhhh!!!"

I once again got on my feet. At this point, both girls were looking at me like I was some kind of freak. The two old women still hadn't moved and may have been dead. And Leaf Man was still going at it, making a mess everywhere.

I then realized that any chance I had with those two girls had vanished. They must have thought I was some kind of ADHD freak who couldn't sit still.

If it wasn't for that idiot Leaf Man, I could have sat down and coolly waited for the two fat sloths to roll out of the steam room. Instead, I was THIS close to receiving third-degree burns. Call me crazy, but I'd rather avoid that than any sort of sexy time.