Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010

Jerks of the Week for Jan. 11, 2010

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Jewelry Commercials

Thank God the holidays are over. The weather will soon warm up, the annoying kids on my street are back in school, and the horrible Kay, Jared and Zales commercials are finally finished.

These commercials are terrible for three reasons:

1. They make all men look bad. When women see this, they think to themselves, "Why can't my boyfriend/husband be this romantic, and give me diamonds or earrings just because he loves me?"

I made a rant about this a few years ago. I think divorce rates are so high in this country because of these commercials. Women expect so much more out of marriage because of these ridiculous ads, and when they don't get the disgustingly romantic guy they see in the Jared and Kay commercials, they nag their husband enough that he's forced into sleeping with his hot secretary.

If you don't think I'm right, I don't care. This is my opinion, and my opinion is correct.

2. They insult our intelligence. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm not made out of money. I can't scratch my a** and pull out a $5,000 bill. Only Glenn Beck can do this.

Most men don't have the luxury of giving a woman an expensive necklace or a bracelet at a random moment. Men don't go, "Hmm... there's a thunderstorm outside. Let me give this chick a diamond necklace so she feels safe!" or "Gosh, this hoe is making me ice skate and I don't know how. Let me give her a pretty bracelet just to get out of it."

It doesn't work that way. Not all men are wealthy enough to give women pieces of jewelry on random days. Most men have to save up just for a birthday, Valentine's Day or a Christmas present. Most men put in 40 hours of week working in coal mines, building houses and selling shoes to fat women so they can put food on the table and pay the bills. They can't afford to buy overpriced pieces of jewelry just to make their old woman happy for a few hours.

If you still don't believe me that these jewelry commercials have destroyed the fabric of our society, then I pity you.

3. They're too damn cheesy. They all play sappy music. They all feature this mythical romantic guy who conveniently has a piece of jewelry stashed in his coat pocket.

Let me ask you something - if a guy is rich enough to randomly give his chick jewelry every day, why are the women in these commercials not Swedish bikini models? None of these women are overly attractive, and as I'll point out later, one even has a mustache.

"Dear, I bought this chocolate diamond for you because I love your mustache. I hope you never shave it off. Now, kiss me so your mustache can tickle my nose!"

And what the hell is a chocolate diamond, by the way? I've never even heard of such a thing before one of the Kay commercials mentioned it.

I don't know about you, but talking about chocolate diamonds is making me hungry. Mmm... chocolate diamonds NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Specific Jewelry Commercials

There are three specific jewelry commercials that really piss me off. What I'm going to do for each is post the YouTube video, comment on it, and then reenact the commercial as if it happened in real life.


Kay Newborn Baby Commercial

Not much to comment here because it's only 16 seconds long. Let me just say that Kay did a great job of finding a male actor who sounds exactly like Nicolas Cage. If this commercial ran 15 seconds longer, this guy may have told his wife, "You may have my soul, but you don't have my spirit."

Here's how this would have gone down in real life:

Wife: "Why are you up? It's 2 a.m."

Wife's Thoughts: Are you finally going to help me put the baby to sleep, a**hole? I've been doing this for weeks while you've been banging your secretary, and now you finally show up!? It's about damn time!

Nicolas Cage: "It's 2 a.m., Christmas morning."

Wife's Thoughts: No s***, douche bag.

Nicolas Cage: "I couldn't wait."

**Nicolas Cage reaches for a gift.**

Wife's Thoughts: Ugh, this better not be another toaster.

**Nicolas Cage opens box, reveals watch.**

Nicolas Cage's Thoughts: Oh yeah, I'm so getting laid tonight.

Wife: "A watch!? You brought me a freaking watch!? What the f*** am I going to do with a watch!? I have a f***ing cell phone. I don't need to wear a watch to know what f***ing time it is. I wanted a diamond necklace or bracelet. Here, let me use this watch to let you know what time it is. It's time for a divorce! I'm taking the house, the baby and your damn watch! Ha!"

**Every kiss begins with Kay!**


Kay Thunderstorm Commercial

This dude was a genius until he pulled that ugly necklace out of his a**.

He was successfully pulling off one of the oldest tricks in the book - the "World is Coming to an End, Let's Have Sex" scheme. Of course the world wasn't coming to an end, but according to this creeper, it was the "biggest storm he's ever seen." To that woman, they were in mild danger, which turned her on. When she hugged him after that first lightning strike, he could have sealed the deal right there.

He should have saved that necklace for another time. But apparently to Mr. Money Bags, it didn't matter.

Here's how this would have gone down in real life:

Creeper: "In all the years we've been coming here, I've never seen a storm like this."

Creeper's Thoughts: Little does this chick know that I checked Weather.com and it told me there would be a massive storm. Oh yeah.

**LIGHTNING AND THUNDER STRIKE AT THE SAME TIME ZZZOMG!!!**

**Woman leaps into the creeper's arms.**

Creeper: "Haha, I'm right here."

Creeper's Thoughts: Somebody's getting' laid tonight, especially once she drinks the hot cocoa with the roofie in it! Hmm... maybe I should pull a diamond necklace out of my a** to seal the deal.

Creeper: "And I always will be."

**Woman stares greedily at necklace.**

Woman: "Don't let go..."

Creeper: "I won't baby, you're safe tonight."

Woman: "...Ever."

Creeper: "What? Ever? Umm... uhh... I'm kind of... uhh... feeling sick. I have to go... Here's $10, you can call a cab. I gotta get out of here. It's getting kind of hot. See ya later, Heather."

Woman: "It's Allison!"

Creeper: "Yeah, whatever. I gots to go!"

Alternate Ending - a comment made by someone on YouTube:

Creeper: "haha... and i always will be.. ALWAYS!! I WILL CHASE YOU INTO THE STORM AND KILL YOU IF YOU DONT TAKE MY STALKER DIAMONDS!!!!!"


Zales Ice Skating Commercial

We have the bad guy from Die Hard and the mustached-woman in the same commercial. Nice.

A funny quote from a YouTube commenter:

"Why does that lady have a mustache? I wish they'd fall through the ice and die. Only yuppies could enjoy a rendition of 'I Got You Babe' that's been injected with sucrose until it begged to die and exists as a hollow, tortured shell of a song."

Here's how this would have gone down in real life:

Hans Gruber's Thoughts: Ya maybe zis woman knows vere I can find John McClane. Maybe he is on ize-skating ring, ya?

**Hans Gruber slips on the ice.**

Hans Gruber's Thoughts: Ach der lieber! Zee ize is too slippery, I do not know how to ize skate!

Mustache Lady: "Haha! He's so cute."

Hans Gruber's Thoughts: Shoot zee glass! I need to get to tree! Ize skating harder than I thought before, ach der lieber!

Mustache Lady's Thoughts: Let me go over to him and berate him for not being able to ice skate.

Hans Gruber's Thoughts: Maybe if I give zis woman a ring she vill tell me vere to find John McClane, ya?

**Hans Gruber gives the ring to Mustache Lady.**

Mustache Lady: "Oh baby! Let's get out of here and go back to my hotel room."

Hans Gruber: "Nooo! Vere is John McClane! I vant to know vere John McClaine izz! You have mustache! Ach der lieber!"

Poor Hans. Even in cheesy jewelry commercials, he can't even beat John McClane.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Chris Myers

If you didn't watch the Cardinals-Packers playoff game on Sunday (or if you were at the game), you missed this gem from FOX sideline reporter Chris Myers when he spoke with Kurt Warner before kickoff:

"Hey Kurt, the roof is open just how you like it."

Seems innocent enough, right? How could I possibly make fun of that?

Well, how about for the fact that the DAMN ROOF WAS CLOSED!?!?!

Seriously, how did Myers not know this? All he had to do was look up. Is he that lazy, or is he just dumb? For that answer let's go all the way back to a real quote of his from the Falcons-Eagles 2004 NFC Championship:

"Atlanta's goal is to establish an early lead in this game."

Whoa, stop the presses! Before that game, I thought Atlanta's goal was to trail by 14-17 points and then mount a comeback. I had absolutely no idea they were attempting to establish a lead! What a cunning plan!

And that's not it. A few years later, Myers interviewed Ian Johnson after he had the winning score against Oklahoma in some winter scrimmage. The interview was going well until the 1:05 mark when Myers revealed that there was going to be a wedding proposal, botching the entire thing for Johnson.

I'm going out on a limb here - when there's a surprise party for someone else, I'm willing to bet that Myers is not told about it. He has to rank right next to my old friend Osni, who called me a few years ago before a surprise party of mine that I didn't know about and asked, "Hey Walt, can I get a ride to your surprise party?"

These sideline reporters are pretty much useless, but at least some of them have something insightful to say once in a while. Chris Myers, meanwhile, doesn't even know if a damn roof is open or not!