Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010

Jerks of the Week for March 8, 2010

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Women With No Personality

I met this girl about a month ago. I thought she was hot, so she fit all of the requisites I have when looking for a woman.

I've been talking to her on AIM since, and I'm pretty hesitant to take her out. I just don't know if it would be worth my time - because by "talking," I mean I'm typing out semi-thoughtful messages, while she's just hitting the same two keys over and over again.

Here's an example where she messages me first (which ironically is usually the case):

Hot Girl: hiiii

Me: What's up?

Hot Girl: nothinnnnn

Me: I'm surprised you're not at work.

Hot Girl: hahahahahaha

Me: I've got a lot of stuff to do for the site, I don't know how I'm gonna get it all done today. Lots of typing. I think my fingers are falling off.

Hot Girl: lol wow

Me: So what'd you do this past weekend?

Hot Girl: nothinnnn

Me: My friend had a party at his house. It was pretty good times. Won eight games of beer pong in a row.

Hot Girl: hahahahahaha

Me: But the next day, I played basketball at the gym and I hurt my back coming down with a rebound. It takes me an hour to get up, I feel like an old man.

Hot Girl: lol wow

Me (bored at this point): All right, I have to get back to work.

Hot Girl: okkkkkk

That's what our conversation is like every single time. I'd think she was giving me the cold shoulder with these one-word responses, but she keeps IMing me first. Why does she want to talk if she has nothing to say?

I'm actually pretty motivated to see how far I could go before getting a multi-word reply from her. For example:

Hot Girl: hiiii

Me: What's up?

Hot Girl: nothinnnnn

Me: Ah man, I have so much blood on my hands.

Hot Girl: hahahahahaha

Me: I have 10 people tied up in my basement right now. I've kidnapped them all! Muhahahaha!

Hot Girl: lol wow

Me: There will be no escape for them. If they do manage to get out, my pet dragon will eat them alive!

Hot Girl: hahahahahaha

Me: This is all part of my master plan. Jack Bauer will be so focused on these abducted people that he won't see the big picture - I'm going to nuke New York with some atomic bombs I've stolen from an Arab country!

Hot Girl: lol wow

Me: Just make sure you don't tell anyone about this!

Hot Girl: okkkkkk

For the love of God, show some personality, woman!

I've actually been thinking - how did she ever get hired? Here's how I imagine her job interview went:

Hot Girl: hiiii

Employer: How are you doing today?

Hot Girl: okkkkkk

Employer: I see that you've applied for our secretarial position?

Hot Girl: hahahahahaha

Employer: I must tell you, this is a difficult job; you may have to work weekends.

Hot Girl: lol wow

Employer: Now, under Skills on your resume, it says, "hahahahaha." I'm confused. What are your skills, exactly?

Hot Girl: nothinnnnn

Employer: So you're saying you have no skills? None at all? This is the first time anyone has told me that they have no skills.

Hot Girl: lol wow

Employer: I don't even know why you showed up to this interview.

Hot Girl: hahahahahaha

Employer: But you know what? I'm going to hire you anyway. I've always wanted a hot secretary. Can you start on Monday?

Hot Girl: okkkkkk

Ah, if only all of us could be hot women with no personalities - life would be so much simpler.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men

As you may have heard, Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of sexually assaulting another woman recently.

I don't know any of the details behind this, so I'm not going to comment on it. Instead, I'll show you what Facebook friend John Y. had to say about it:

Some teams start their free agency periods by signing big name players (Peppers to the Bears). The Steelers start theirs by having another crazy b***h in Georgia accuse Big Ben of sexual assault. Ben has a $100 million dollar contract, why would he rape some ugly skank in Georgia? Yeah, I'm sure these b****es said no to him. What a f***ing joke

Speaking of jokes, I saw a funny one on Twitter:

What would happen if I called the police and told them that a woman sexually assaulted me?

They'd ask if it was Ben Roethlisberger in drag.

As for me, I don't really care about this story. Another athlete sexually assaults a woman, who may or may not be crazy. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Same accusation, different athlete.

The bigger story here is - and that person on Twitter did a good job of bringing it up - why aren't men sexually assaulted by women more often?

People, we're living in the 21st century. Women, in almost every aspect, are seen as equals compared to men. Women can hold the same jobs and earn an identical salary. Women now have professional sports leagues. They can serve in the army. A woman nearly became Vice President two years ago. And all of this is great - except for the fact the women aren't holding up their end of the bargain. If women can do all of these things, then they can certainly sexually assault men!

How did women obtained the right to vote? By protesting in the streets and stuff. I think men should do the same thing. Men should not rest until we earn the right to be sexually assaulted by hot women.

I'm proud to say that I have some experience in this department. In my lifetime, I've been sexually assaulted by two women. The first time happened in a public restroom by a troll-looking woman I had worked with for a couple of years (she did not charge me any gold coins for this.) The second time occurred in my kitchen. The chick was so fat that she nearly ate me. And you know what? Both sexual assaults were awesome.

If being sexually assaulted by a female troll or a Rosie O'Donnell look-alike is so great, imagine how epic it would be if men could be sexually assaulted by hot women all of the time. Our world would truly be a better place, and all of the wars would end. There would be no more hunger. No more disease - all because men would be happy all of the time.

Who's with me? Who wants to picket in the streets? Who wants to make signs that say, "Men Must Be Sexually Assaulted By Hot Women!?" Let's do it!

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Bad Shower Etiquette

While we're on the subject of sexual assault, I feel like I was nearly sexually assaulted at my gym this past week by a fat man.

First of all, let's get something straight here - I absolutely hate the fact that almost every man walks around naked at my gym locker room. From what I've heard, this occurs in a lot of places, so it's not like I can complain about my gym.

When I take a shower at the gym, I wear my swim trunks. Barely anyone else does this. Every other guy is completely nude with their wang and balls hanging out. It's a straight man's worst nightmare, and it's a gay man's greatest dream. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, I was showering off all the radioactive chlorine that my gym puts into its pool last Monday. An acquaintance of mine - a short, fat man - noticed me and turned on the shower next to mine. He was completely naked, so I nearly puked all over him.

He asked me how things were going, and I don't know how the subject came about, but I told him that I'm installing a hot tub in my house. His response: "Oh wow, can I come over?"

Whoa, pal. Asking yourself over to someone's house is usually frowned upon. Asking yourself over to someone's house when you're completely naked is just a bad move. And asking yourself over to someone's house when you're completely naked just so you can use their hot tub? Umm... not that there's anything wrong with that?

He caught me a bit off guard by this, but I figured he was just messing around, so I just said, "Sure." I turned around to wash my face, and the next thing I noticed, the short, fat guy was standing right behind me. He actually tilted the shower head so it poured down behind me.

When I noticed his shlong literally inches away from my body, I literally yelled out, "Whoa!" and stormed out of the shower room. I threw on all of my clothes in a manner of seconds and ran out of the locker room. I had never dressed that quickly before. Rosie O'Donnell could have been coming to eat me, and I would have taken more time.

Forget protesting about hot women having to sexually assault us. We men need to take care of our own problems first. I demand that no man shall ever be completely naked in a locker room ever again.

Who's with me? Who wants to picket in the streets? Who wants to make signs that say, "Men Shall Not Be Completely Naked in Locker Rooms and Shall Not Approach Another Man From the Rear in the Showers, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That!?" Let's do it!