Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010

Jerks of the Week for March 22, 2010

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Russian Mustache Speedo Man

I can't seem to get a workout done at my gym without being bombarded by naked old men, communist soccer players or other people of that nature. On Thursday evening, I met my latest nemesis: Russian Mustache Speedo Man.

I went to pool during the 90 minutes in between the first and second segments of the NCAA Tournament games. Before I started swimming, I noticed that this 19- or 20-year-old guy who was wearing a speedo and boasting a mustache was speaking to a fat, old, troll-looking woman. He seemed like he was having the time of his life, talking very quickly to her with a bright smile on his face. She, on the other hand, simply stared menacingly at him. It looked like she wanted to ask him for some gold coins, but he was speaking so quickly that she didn't have the chance.

Throughout the first 15 minutes of my workout, I noticed that these two people continued to have this one-sided conversation. I figured that this old lady was this guy's grandmother or something.

Eventually, the fat lady rolled out of the pool. Russian Mustache Speedo Man took this opportunity to swim over to me when I was resting.

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: You svim very good. You go boom, boom, boom, boom!

Me: Thank you.

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: Vat do you do for your profession?

Me: Uhh... I run a Web site and I write about football.

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: Vy do you not do somesing like engineering? Engineering is very good.

Me: Bec...

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: Vhen you do engineering, you alvays make somesing new. Engineering iz good, you should change your profession to engineering.

Me: But...

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: Lots of money in engineering because you can alvays make somesing new, zey alvays need new engineers in industry.

Me: But...

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: I'm in school right now to study to be engineer. Vhen I get my degree, I vill become engineer.

Me: All r...

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: Iz very difficult to study to become engineer. Iz lots of studying to do to become engineering profession.

This guy kept talking for like 30 straight minutes. I'm not exaggerating. And I couldn't get a single word in. I couldn't tell him that I had to go because he kept speaking. He eventually stopped talking about engineering and moved on to something else. I don't know when this happened; I felt like I slipped into a coma...

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: I have good tip for insurance.

Me: Uhh...

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: Vhen you get to insurance, iz a lot to get insurance by yourself, yes?

Me: Uhh...

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: Vell, I have tip. Vhen you get insurance, iz best to put other people on insurance plan like mom, sister, cousin, uncle. Downside is vhen somebody get into accident, all insurance go up, yes? But vhen no accident, iz cheaper for everybody.

Me: Uhh...

Russian Mustache Speedo Man: You should do zis vis your insurance. You vill save a lot of money.

Argh. I simply couldn't get out of this conversation. Clubbing him over the head seems like a good option now, but at the time I was in a comatic state and couldn't think clearly. Plus, as meaningless as this guy's conversation was, he was thrilled that he could talk to me. I've never seen anyone so happy. He had the greatest smile on his face, like I was his best friend, and he hadn't seen me in years.

Luckily, he was distracted by the lifeguard for a moment. I used this opportunity to tell Russian Mustache Speedo Man that I had to go to work. Before he could respond, I hopped out of the pool and ran to the locker room. As I passed the lifeguard, I quickly said "thank you" to him. He nodded as if he understood.

Just to let you know how long Russian Mustache Speedo Man had me in a coma, I planned on being home at 7 for the second slate of NCAA Tournament games. Instead, I left the gym at 7:35.

I hope someone from the U.S. government is reading this. Russian Mustache Speedo Man is a resource our military can take advantage of. Instead of spending billions of dollars on tanks, guns and nuclear bombs, we could probably just send Russian Mustache Speedo Man into Iraq and Afghanistan.

Give Russian Mustache Speedo Man five hours with Osama bin Laden, and I guarantee that bin Laden would gladly jump off a cliff rather than continue his conversation with Russian Mustache Speedo Man. I gladly would have jumped off a cliff if there was one in the vicinity.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: ESPN.com

Awesome Kelly in Arizona e-mailed me last Tuesday with a Jerk of the Week nomination:

"Dude, seriously," Awesome Kelly in Arizona wrote. "This was a 'Top Story' headline on espn.com this morning: 'BRONCOS' QUINN WANTS TO START.'

"Really? Are you serious? A QB who wants to START? So glad they alerted me to that big f'ing news story. A-holes."

Awesome Kelly in Arizona makes a great point. What kind of news is this? I want to start for the Broncos too. Am I going to make a big deal out of it on the front page of my site about it? Instead of posting a 2010 NFL Mock Draft update, should I write an article about how I want to start at quarterback for the Broncos?

As Awesome Kelly in Arizona pointed out to me later, it would be a bigger story if Quinn said he didn't want to start. For example, I would have supported a huge article if Quinn said the following:

"My 2010 salary is $700,000. I am awesome. I want to spend the entire 2010 season on the bench. There's too much pressure that comes with being a starting quarterback, and my doctor said I should keep my blood pressure down. Besides, if I'm not the starter, I can get drunk out of my mind and bang tons of dudes, I mean hot chicks on Saturday nights without worrying about screwing up during the games on Sunday. Why would I want to elevate my blood pressure and be criticized when I can just sit on the bench and collect $700,000? I'm living the dream, baby. Living the dream."

Now, that deserves a big story. "I want to start" does not deserve any attention. Awesome Kelly in Arizona has a right to be pissed off.

Then again, I guess we should have expected something like this from ESPN. This is the same network that has given us tons of analysts who seem to sexually assault random female producers each month. This is the same network that features NFL Draft analyst/crook Todd McShay, who enjoys spreading lies about NFL prospects for his own personal and financial benefit. This is the same network that once employed Emmitt Smith for two years, even though Emmitt couldn't put a single grammatically correct sentence together. Or should I say, Emmitt have debacled the English language that come from the language of English?

And it's a good thing ESPN hasn't met Russian Mustache Speedo Man yet; otherwise, they'd put him on TV, which would place everyone in America into a coma.

Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black

Trying to figure out what's going on in Lost is like trying to predict the NCAA Tournament. It's futile. You can watch all of the regular-season and conference-tournament games you want; when it comes down to it, March Madness is a bunch of 18- to 22-year-old kids playing basketball games.

Just look at Saturday - Kansas' Sherron Collins and Villanova's Scottie Reynolds, two extremely clutch players in recent tournaments, went a combined 6-of-26 shooting in the second round. If there was one thing that was guaranteed, it was that big-time players like Collins and Reynolds would step up with everything on the line. That didn't even happen.

When Kansas fell to Northern Iowa - which is widely considered the most shocking upset of a No. 1 seed in the history of college basketball - Twitter blew up with people complaining that their brackets were busted. (Note: I'd beg to differ that it was the biggest upset ever, only because the inept NCAA Selection Committee should have made Northern Iowa a No. 4-6 seed.)

Some interesting tweets following Northern Iowa's win:

Me: Sherron Collins and Scottie Reynolds combined to go 6-26 today. These guys should stop watching film of Aurora Snow.

Bill Simmons: CBS should put me in the 2010 "One Shining Moment" montage: a slow motion clip of me writing a 4-figure check for my bookie.

TheJournalist44: I wonder how many people in Kansas went out to their barn and put a gun to their heads as the final seconds ticked off tonight...

Adam Schefter: Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't President Obama pick Kansas to win it all?

CJCarr: Wait KANSAS LOST!!!?? TO NORTHERN IOWA!!!!?? THIS CANT BE REAL! I hate my life.

Emmitt Smith: With the Kansas Jaywalk being eliminationed, everyone bracket have become debaclized.

OK, fine, that last one was me (follow me @walterfootball). But you get the picture. Kansas was clearly the best team in the nation, yet they lost to a relatively unknown Northern Iowa school. College basketball, and sports in general, are mostly unpredictable - and yet trying to figure Lost out is even more difficult.

But there are eight episodes left before the series finale, so we're going to receive a ton of answers soon, one of which will be Man In Black's name and origin. My take: Man In Black is Aaron (stop now if you don't want to read any spoilers from past episodes.)

Now, I've tried to explain this theory to several people, and every response was met with a "but Man In Black is a lot older than Aaron!" type of reaction. I hope you're not thinking that right now. Remember, we spent half of Season 5 traveling through time. Is it so inconceivable that Aaron couldn't somehow travel back in time and become Man In Black?

At any rate, here is the basis for my Aaron is Man In Black theory:

1. Man In Black's conversation with Kate - he told Kate that his mother was crazy, and because of that, things didn't work out the way they could have. Like Man In Black's mother, Claire is crazy as well.

But this one was obvious - we need more proof that Aaron could be the Man In Black.

2. Remember what the psychic said to Claire in Season 1: Only she could raise Aaron. He said that Claire's "goodness needed to be a part of his life, or else the consequences would be terrible." Perhaps the psychic knew that if another raised Aaron (i.e. Kate), then Aaron would eventually become the Man In Black and would kill many people as the Smoke Monster on the island (and perhaps eventually get off the island, as he's trying to do right now).

3. So how does Aaron get back on the island? We obviously don't know that yet. Maybe he's on Charles Widmore's submarine. Maybe he comes back later (perhaps as that kid with bloody hands.) If Aaron returns to the island, he could eventually go back in time. Remember, at least two characters will be traveling back in time to become the two skeletons the survivors found in the caves (as the Lost creators have indicated.)

4. Man In Black's new group is ready to follow his every order, but he seems particularly interested in four people: Sawyer, Sayid, Kate and Claire. Sawyer and Sayid for obvious reasons; they're candidates. But what about Kate and Claire? They're not candidates. Why does he care about them?

4a. Man In Black recruited Claire back in Season 4 and has stayed with her ever since. He consoled her after she fought with Kate.

4b. Watch the final scene of the Season 6 episode Sundown. Check out the look Man In Black gives Kate. Initially, we all thought that he didn't want her with his group. But that clearly wasn't the case, as we discovered last week. Why did Man In Black look at Kate like that? Is it because he would finally get to interact with the woman who raised him as a child? If a woman raised you as a kid, and you hadn't seen her in a very long time, how would you react?

4c. Man In Black really opened up to Kate on the beach. Why did he feel the need to explain his past to her? If you're some omnipotent smoke monster, why open yourself up to some random woman you barely even know? Maybe it's because Man In Black really does know Kate.

5. Why haven't the writers revealed Man In Black's name yet? If it wasn't really significant, they would have named him already. What name would shock us all?

5a. The name "Jacob" would surprise us. There are theories out there, particularly from the awesome Jay and Jack Lost Podcast (which I highly recommend if you're a true Lost fan) that say Jacob and Man In Black are the same person. I think this is very possible.

5b. The name "Aaron" definitely would shock us as well - even me, despite the fact that I think they're the same person.

5c. The name "Charles" would be a nice twist. Man In Black could be Charles Widmore (but probably not Charlie Hume or Charlie Pace.)

5d. I can't think of any other names that would surprise the public. Jin is the only remaining survivor who had a crazy mother (she wasn't really crazy, but she did try to extort lots of money from Sun, so she could be seen as "crazy."), but the Man In Black didn't seem overly affectionate toward Sun when he met up with her in Locke's body toward the end of Season 5. So it's almost definitely not Jin.

That's all I have for now. I'm convinced that Aaron and Man In Black are the same person. Then again, I'll probably see something on Tuesday evening that completely debunks that theory.

But hey, if Northern Iowa can beat Kansas, anything is possible, right?