Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010

Jerks of the Week for April 5, 2010

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: TV Shows

I've been crying myself to sleep every night knowing that Lost is coming to an end in May. If you've been reading my Jerks of the Week entries, you know that I'm not exaggerating.

With no more Lost on TV, what am I going to come up with crazy theories about? What am I going to do on Tuesday evenings? You may recommend, "Use your Tuesday nights to go out and talk to people instead of watching TV," and to that I'd say, "Screw you. I love my TV."

We've known that Lost would be coming to an end in the spring of 2010. Unfortunately, FOX just let its 24 audience know that its best show will also be concluding in the next couple of months.

I find this ridiculous. I can understand Lost coming to an end because there's an overall story arch. But 24? Why does that have to finish up? If Keifer Sutherland doesn't want to do that show anymore, can't they get Freddie Prince Jr. to be the star? He's no Jack Bauer, but he's holding his own this season. And like Jack, he even has an ugly girlfriend who betrays him.

With no more Lost or 24, what are we going to tune into? Do we have to resort to watching weird steroid and STD people on the Jersey Shore? What about one of CBS' crappy shows like Cold Case or CSI: Lake Tahoe? And then there's abysmal reality TV like Survivor, Hole in the Wall and Eating Cereal with the Stars.

With such terrible TV programs, don't be surprised if 10 percent of the American population commits suicide once Lost and 24 conclude. If you're thinking about ending it all, you've come to the right place - I have three TV shows you should get into:


FlashForward:

Why to Like: This show is about a worldwide blackout that lasts 137 seconds. During the blackout, everyone sees their future six months from that point. All the visions coincide, so protagonist detective Mark Benford is tasked with discovering the cause (in his future, he was conducting the operation). This plot may already sound confusing to the Eating Cereal with the Stars crowd, but it's a good one with lots of twists. Plus, there's a hot 20-year-old nurse. Hellloooo Nurse!

Why to Hate: FlashForward had a 4-month hiatus during Christmas and the Winter Olympics. ABC decided to bring it back on March 18 - the first day of the NCAA Tournament.

If the executives in charge of FlashForward are dumb enough to do something like that, then it's also conceivable that they could cancel the show for no apparent reason. ABC is one of the dumber networks out there, as they don't realize that ratings drop because people DVR, TiVo, tape, etc. shows that they like.

Also, the main character is kind of annoying. Benford is a recovering alcoholic who becomes obsessed with the notion that his hot wife is going to cheat on him with this fat British guy. Chances are, the fat British guy is in his house during his wife's flashforward for the sole purpose of stealing his cookies. No, not those cookies, sickos.


V:

Why to Like: Aliens come to our planet, promise peace and then attack us. This is a brand new genre that has never been explored before in any sort of media. I'm looking forward to seeing how it plays out.

Sarcasm aside, V is pretty intriguing. Not because of the solid characters or the mysterious nature of the aliens; but because of the blond alien chick. As if she wasn't hot enough in real life, she's even hotter because she's an alien. Everyone knows that alien sex is the best sex there is.

Why to Hate: This is actually a rehash of an old show also called V. In both V shows, the aliens are actually lizard-like beings wearing human skin.

I don't know why these writers didn't try something else. If I were in charge, I would have made the aliens bears instead of lizards. Lizards are stupid. Bears are awesome.


Chuck:

Why to Like: I used to watch Chuck only because it was on before Heroes. Now, I only watch Heroes because it's on after Chuck.

Chuck just keeps getting better and better. The plot revolves around this Buy More (i.e. Best Buy) tech geek who receives all of the government's secrets from his former college roommate turned spy. At first, Chuck (the main character; not the show) is helpless in the field and helps capture the bad guys by accident in a Maxwell Smart type of way, but he eventually becomes more bada** and is now an unstoppable force.

Chuck (the show; not the main character) is the perfect mix of humor, action and hot chicks. There is no uninteresting character on this show. If you haven't gotten into it, you should.

Why to Hate: If you think ABC is stupid, then NBC is brain-dead. For all we know, the idiot NBC executives could suspend Chuck in the middle of an episode, replace it with Jay Leno and then air the second half of that Chuck episode at 3 a.m. And if any NBC employee is reading this, chances are he/she is thinking, "Wow, that's a great idea!"

The problem with all of these shows is that you can't trust the networks. Lost and 24 made it a combined 14 seasons, but as we all have observed, most shows don't make it because TV network executives would rather air cheap unintelligent crap than quality programs.

And having said that, I wasted the past 30 minutes of my life talking about good TV shows that could possibly be canceled any week. If that happens, the American public should prepare for mass suicides.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: B-Ball D-Bag

There's always one of them at a gym or a playground. The guy who hogs the ball and shoots when he's triple-teamed. The guy who fouls non-stop. The guy who grabs your a** and your balls when he's playing defense on you. What, that last one never happened to you guys?

There's a guy at my gym who has refused to play basketball with my friends and me for the past two years or so. His reason: "That guy Val you play with. He's an animal. I've never seen anyone so physical. I've never been hit so hard in my entire life."

***Backstory: In a 3-on-3 game a year or two ago, Val, a 24-year-old 6-1 Russian guy, who will soon become a doctor (and write prescriptions for me muhahaha) unintentionally elbowed B-Ball D-Bag in the nose while grabbing a rebound. Though no blood came out of his nose, B-Ball D-Bag stopped the game and told everyone that he wouldn't be playing with us anymore.***

Believe it or not, we managed without B-Ball D-Bag. But on the rare occasion when we needed him - when we had five or seven players, and needed one more for 3-on-3 or 4-on-4 - he still would wave us off and tell us that he would rather shoot around by himself than play with that "animal."

I don't know what changed, but B-Ball D-Bag decided to play a couple of 3-on-3 games with us on Saturday. He and Val were on the same team, so no fake blood was spilled.

We were having fun at first, but B-Ball D-Bag ironically started getting violent. He hip checked this guy Dale multiple times. He raped this other guy Ace on a few occasions when Ace was trying to post him up. And when I was going for a loose ball near the halfcourt line, B-Ball D-Bag actually punched me in the ribs instead of trying grab the ball. It was if he traveled into the future, read this Jerks of the Week entry, and decided to get revenge on my team.

Eventually Dale had enough of B-Ball D-Bag's antics and started calling fouls on every play. This pissed B-Ball D-Bag off, who was convinced he was playing clean basketball. B-Ball D-Bag proceeded then to slap Dale's previously injured left hand (which was in a wrap).

While my team was physically damaged by this raving lunatic, B-Ball D-Bag's team was emotionally scarred. On one position, my friend Josh hurried a shot and bricked the ball off the backboard. B-Ball D-Bag proceeded to yell, "What was that!? Take a better shot!" On another of Josh's misses, "Why are you hurrying your shots!? Pass it out!"

B-Ball D-Bag also criticized Josh's clothing. Josh came up from downtown Philly and didn't have anything to wear but a long-sleeve t-shirt. B-Ball D-Bag commented, "That shirt isn't doing you any good. You need to come better prepared next time." This coming from a guy who was too scared to play with us for almost two years.

If you're wondering who won the games, B-Ball D-Bag's team claimed the first one, and we won the second one. We usually say "good game" to one another after we finish playing, but as you can imagine, B-Ball D-Bag didn't react this way. After his team triumphed in the first game, he started yelling, "We f***ing won! We f***ing won! Yeah baby! We f***ing won!" All of this over some pickup game.

I wish I were exaggerating. The teams that win in the NCAA Tournament don't get this excited. Of course, teams in the NCAA Tournament don't have 2-year-old emotional scars from getting hit by the most violent animal/doctor on the planet.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Hot Ballet Teachers

E-mailer Mike S. sent over this Jerk of the Week recommendation:

In England, a hot 27-year-old ballet teacher "abducted" a 15-year-old male student of hers, and took him to a hotel where she seduced him and allegedly had sex with him. Sounds like the plot of an awesome porno, but I kid you not. Read about it and take a look at the chick here.

This is one of the best stories I've ever heard, so why are hot ballet teachers one of the Jerks of the Week? Because I have not been abducted and seduced by a hot ballet teacher! It has always been my dream to be abducted and seduced by a hot ballet teacher. Why does some 15-year-old douche bag get to have all of the fun?

I mean, seriously. What does a guy have to do to get abducted and seduced by a hot ballet teacher? I'll do anything to have this happen. I'll pay tons of money. I'll give up a kidney. I'll let terrorists into the country (don't worry, we have Jack Bauer). I'll go to hell and back in order to be abducted and seduced by a hot ballet teacher.

For all hot ballet teachers reading this, know that I will not put forth any resistance if you abduct and seduce me (or I can if you're into that). Hell, if you want to bring your other hot ballet teachers to help abduct and seduce me, then be my guest. I will also not tell anyone, so you won't be arrested like this poor hot chick. It can be our secret.

If you are a hot ballet teacher and are interested in abducting and seducing me, please send me an e-mail so we can make this happen as quickly and easily as possible.