Jerks of the Week - July 5, 2010

Jerk of the Year: Twilight (Why Twilight Sucks)

Anyone sick of all the Twilight hype? I am. It seems like everyone's Facebook status reads, "OMG im going to watch the new Twilightmovie! I luv vampirez tehy are so0o0o0o0o awsum!"

Prior to last week, I had never seen any of the Twilight movies before, so my knowledge of the saga was limited to 1) vampires, 2) werewolves and 3) hot lead actress. Some of this came from what I've seen on commercials. I also learned about Twilight from some random guy's (Bretterlich) awesome Tweet: "Twilight's like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand."

With my newfound knowledge of Twilight, I posted the following on my buddy Ces' wall when he was being attacked by random chicks for dissing the movie:

I can sum up the new Twilight movie for you:

1. Vampires try to kill hot chick
2. Werewolves try to kill hot chick
3. Vampires and werewolves try to kill each other.
4. Hot chick and male lead vampire talk awkwardly about sex.
5. Hot chick and male lead vampire don't have sex unfortunately.
6. Hot chick almost dies, but is saved at the very end.

Despite all this negativity toward the series, I watched Twilight the other night. No, this wasn't an attempt to seal the deal with some chick. No, I was not kidnapped by a pack of teenage girls. And no, not that there's anything wrong with watching that movie (actually, as you'll see, there definitely is something wrong with it.)

So, why did I watch Twilight? I was simply eating dinner and had nothing to watch, thanks to moronic ABC canceling all of my favorite shows.

I was flipping through the premium channels and saw that the original Twilight was available. I thought about it - if this movie's good and actually lives up to the hype, then I'll enjoy the next two hours. And if it sucks, I'll be able to make it a Jerk of the Week. Lo and behold, 20 minutes into Twilight, I was already compiling a list as to why I thought the movie was complete garbage.

Here are 10 reasons why Twilight (the original movie) completely sucks balls. Believe me, there are more than 10 reasons, but if I listed everything, I'd be typing for years.


1. Awkward Conversations: I'm not sure if it was bad acting or bad writing, but the characters in this movie had some of the most awkward conversations I've ever seen. It was so terrible that they made Fox Mulder seem like a really fun guy to hang out with.

Here's an example if you've never seen this crap:

Lead Vampire: You should stay away from me. I'm bad.

** 5-second pause; both characters stare at the ground. **

Hot Chick: I don't want to stay away from you.

** 5-second pause; both characters stare at the ground. **

Lead Vampire: Then stop asking questions.

** 5-second pause; both characters stare at the ground. **

Hot Chick: But how did you stop that truck with your bare hands?

** 5-second pause; both characters stare at the ground. **

Lead Vampire: You don't want to know.

** 5-second pause; both characters stare at the ground. **

Hot Chick: I do want to know.

** 5-second pause; both characters stare at the ground. **

Lead Vampire: It's best that you don't know.

** 5-second pause; both characters stare at the ground. **

Hot Chick: Uhh...

** 5-second pause; both characters stare at the ground. **

I just didn't believe these two characters were in love. They couldn't even hold a conversation together. Matt Saracen and Julie Taylor were more articulate with each other on Friday Night Lights, and they broke up a billion times.


2. No Fear: One of these awkward conversations sounded like this:

Lead Vampire: You don't want to be around me.

Hot Chick: Yes I do!

Lead Vampire: But I'm a killer!

Hot Chick: I don't care!

Lead Vampire: But I could kill you easily!

Hot Chick: It doesn't matter!

Lead Vampire: I thirst for your blood! The urge is going to be too strong to resist!

Hot Chick: I'm not scared!

Really, Hot Chick? You're not scared that some vampire just told you that he can kill you easy and that he lusts for your blood? I'd be crapping my pants. But not Hot Chick. She loves this vampire dude way too much, even though at this point of the movie, she just met him a few weeks ago.

I'm trying to think of what the real-life equivalent of this would be. How about...

Ben Roethlisberger: Hic! I'm drunk! Who are you?

Alleged Georgian Rape Victim: I love you Big Ben!

Ben Roethlisberger: But I assault women!

Alleged Georgian Rape Victim: I don't care!

Ben Roethlisberger: But I could sexually assault you easily!

Alleged Georgian Rape Victim: It doesn't matter!

Ben Roethlisberger: I can take you to the nearest bathroom and do naughty things to you while my body guard keeps your drunk friends out!

Alleged Georgian Rape Victim: I'm not scared!

Hey, if Twilight were a depiction of reality, that's what that exchange would have sounded like.


3. Vampires: Of course, Twilight is not a depiction of reality. It contains fake things like vampires, werewolves, hot chicks without boyfriends and Nina Myers playing a caring mother (seriously). What really bothered me were the vampires and werewolves. Since only the former was present in the first Twilightmovie, I'll focus on them.

Here's my beef with the vampires - if you're writing this supposedly creative book and movie series, shouldn't you come up with your own creature? Vampires have been done before billions of times. There's nothing creative or enigmatic about using vampires. We're all familiar with them. Create a new species or something.

Think everything's been thought of? Well, that's where you're wrong. In the wake of watching this crap, I've decided to come up with my own creature for my future book series, Sun Rise:

Imagine - half-man, half-lion, half-seal beings who survive by stealing gym shorts. If they don't steal a pair of gym shorts every week, they die. For food, they can only eat chicken nuggets and Skittles. They can be killed by being forced to listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber.

See? That wasn't so hard. Sun Rise is already a billion times more creative than Twilight. In fact, here's a sneak peek of the next Sun Rise movie:

Lead Gym Shorts Thief: You don't want to be around me.

Hot Chick: Yes I do!

Lead Gym Shorts Thief: But I'm a gym shorts thief!

Hot Chick: I don't care!

Lead Gym Shorts Thief: But I could steal your gym shorts easily!

Hot Chick: It doesn't matter!

Lead Gym Shorts Thief: I thirst for your gym shorts! The urge is going to be too strong to resist! I may even skip my chicken nuggets and Skittles meal to steal all your gym shorts!

Hot Chick: I'm not scared!

When Sun Rise is released in theatres, I fully expect every single teenage girl in the country to see my movie.

4. Vampire Baseball: Because Twilight used vampires to carry the plot line, the author of this series had to introduce an element to vampires that the audience was unfamiliar with. The author chose baseball.

I'm not joking. The lead male vampire takes the hot chick on a date to play baseball with his vampire family. His reasoning: "Baseball is America's pastime. But we can only play when there's thunder."

Of course, no one ever really explained why they needed thunder to play. And aren't vampires from Transylvania? Why the hell would they care about America's pastime?

The vampire baseball scene (click the link to see this crap for yourself) was one of the cheesiest moments in the history of film. Ugh. I just can't get over how stupid it was. I mean, wow, this movie had vampires playing baseball! Don't any of the Twilight fans realize how stupid this was? How can anyone defend this crap?

All of this got me thinking - if vampires have always played baseball, does that mean that Count Dracula was like Babe Ruth? And is there a vampire baseball team out there that traded Dracula to its rival and was subsequently cursed for nearly a century?


5. Sandlot: Remember the scene in The Sandlot where the kids had to play another team for the right to be on the field? That's essentially what happened following this ridiculous vampire baseball scene.

As you may have seen toward the end of the YouTube video above, three weirdo vampires float through the woods and crash the party. What happens afterward is that the two factions have a stare down, with the father of the family challenging the three new vampires to a baseball game.

Ripping off vampires is one thing. Stealing a scene from one of the great movies of all time is another. The creator of this sham should be exiled to a third-world country like Ghana, Uruguay or East Cleveland.

Argh, why are vampires playing baseball again? I still can't get over this.


6. Sparkles: In one scene during the middle of the movie, the lead male vampire takes the hot chick on a hike up the mountains. The purpose of this? So he can stand in the sunlight and show her what he really looks like.

OK, let's ignore the fact that the only patch of sunlight in this dreary Washington town was inconveniently up in the mountains somewhere. Whatever. There were so many plot holes in this movie (I'll get to those later) that I'll let this one go.

But all right, I thought, let's see what this vampire really looks like! I was intrigued by this. He sounded so ashamed of his true form that I figured he was going to be some gruesome creature. I was actually looking forward to seeing how ugly he really was.

And... umm... yeah, so he's not some hideous monstrosity. His true form? It's himself, only he sparkles. To quote the hot chick, "It's like diamonds. It's beautiful." Check out the Twilight sparkles scene yourselves for a laugh.

So to recap, the vampires in Twilight are the same as the vampires in other works of fiction, with the only differences being that they play baseball and sparkle instead of burn away in the sunlight?

At this point, why don't the vampires in Twilight do everyone a favor and turn every single person into a vampire? Seriously, what's the downside to being a vampire? You get to be immortal. You're super agile and extremely strong. For fun, you can read people's thoughts and play baseball during thunderstorms. Plus, you sparkle in the sunlight. My gym shorts thief idea sounds pretty lame right about now.

7. Stalker: The lead male vampire in this movie does the following:

Follows the hot chick around everywhere before they become a couple.

Tells the hot chick he's "very protective of her" and is able to save her from being gang raped because he was following her but keeping his distance.

Repeatedly shows up in the hot chick's room unannounced by flying through her window.

Tells the hot chick, "I like watching you sleep. It's very comforting."

This strategy worked very well for the male vampire. I'd like to try all of this out, but I don't want to be thrown into jail and/or slapped with a restraining order.


8. Pedophile: Stalking isn't the only thing the male vampire is guilty of.

The male vampire tells the hot chick that he transformed into a vampire back in 1918. He was 18 years old at the time. This movie was released in 2008, so according to my nifty Windows Vista calculator, that makes him 108 years old.

Does anyone else think that's wrong? What's a 108-year-old guy doing hitting on a high school junior? I mean, if she were 18, that would be legal and all. But she tells her dad that she's 17.

What's worse is that the hot chick's dad is a cop. Looks like someone sucks at his job. How would you feel if your 17-year-old daughter was dating a 108-year-old weirdo who sparkles in the sunlight? Fatherhood fail.


9. High School Vampire: The pedophile section brings up the question, what in the world is a 108-year-old vampire doing attending high school in the first place?

I mean, seriously, if you're an immortal being who is 108 years old, why are you going to high school? What's the point? Did you not learn the difference between mitochondria and protozoa the first time you went to high school? Is this some sort of do-over because you didn't get laid on prom night? Or are you some sort of stalker pedophile looking for some busty 17-year-old babe to hit on?

Well, we already know it's the latter. I'm just asking these things rhetorically because the movie doesn't make any sense. "Sure, I'm super strong and extremely fast, and I can read minds. Let me go to high school!" Uhh... what?


10. Boredom: In general, this movie was just boring. I found myself frequently looking up the clock to see how much longer I'd have to endure this crap. I just didn't have any fun watching it. The only reason I kept it on was so I could write this article.

Look, there were a couple of solid scenes in this movie. The fight at the end was pretty cool. I also enjoyed looking at the hot chick's hot friend's cleavage. And watching Nina Myers expand her acting beyond Jack Bauer's psychopath communist nemesis was surreal.

** Side note: Hot chick's hot friend is Anna Kendrick, the young brunette from Up in the Air. I actually wanted to see more of her than Kristen Stewart in Twilight. Kristen is a bit hotter than Anna in this movie, but she looks like a crack whore in real life. This might have ruined things for me. But yeah, we need more Anna in the next Twilight film. Not that I'm going to watch it or anything (though I'm considering it for more Jerks of the Week material.) **

But overall, this movie was crap. It wasn't creative (thanks for being the 100,000th work of fiction to use vampires.) It had too many plot holes (why is a 108-year-old vampire going to high school and hitting on someone 90 years younger than him?) It was also too ridiculous at times (vampire baseball, vampire sparkling).

And worst of all, the love story wasn't believable whatsoever. Am I supposed to believe that a 108-year-old vampire can stalk a 17-year-old chick and have her fall in love with him? If so, then every weirdo in this country has a chance. Hear that guys? All you have to do is sneak into some hot chick's room and tell her that you like watching her sleep. Oh, and don't forget to pour pixie dust on yourself so that you sparkle. You'll have her in no time!

Twilight is the 2010 Jerk of the Year. There is so much unwarranted hype surrounding this piece of s*** saga. There's no reason anyone over the age of 13 should like this garbage.

If crap like this can generate this much hype and such an enormous fan base, then any movie can do the same thing. So, with that in mind, be on the lookout for Sun Rise coming to a theatre near you!