Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010

Jerks of the Week for Aug. 16, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Evil Vietnamese Children

I've mentioned that I've moved outside of the city to avoid high taxes, multiple murders every day and drugged-up bums on my street.

With that in mind, let's bid farewell to my old Vietnamese neighbors - an evil family whose goal is to single-handedly bankrupt America by evading taxes and breaking fire hydrants.

I was walking my dogs a few weeks ago when I overheard some strange things coming from the Evil Vietnamese house. It sounded like several Vietnamese kids were playing in the pool. Whether or not this was a secret meeting where they were planning to overthrow the Philadelphia government is irrelevant right now - like I said, I moved out of the city - but the important thing is what these kids were shouting.

In the brief two minutes I was in range, I overheard some pretty weird quotes. I forgot some of them, but I managed to write down five of the things these evil Vietnamese bastards shouted while swimming around and/or ruining this country:


1. "Gummy Bears on the ground!" If I noticed some Gummy Bears on the ground, I wouldn't alert my friends. I'd secretly scoop them all up and shove them into my mouth. Nom nom nom nom nom.

I found it strange though that an evil Vietnamese kid was so excited about the prospect of finding Gummy Bears. After all, don't Vietnamese people eat dogs and cats? Shouldn't there be Gummy Dogs and Gummy Cats on the ground?

Oh, I almost forgot, not that there's anything wrong with eating dogs and cats.


2. "AVATAAAARRRR!!!" One of the evil Vietnamese kids shouted this as he cannonballed into the pool.

I'll admit that I haven't seen Avatar yet, so it may seem strange that some 10-year-old illegal immigrant kid saw it before me. Keep in mind, however, that this kid's father doesn't pay any taxes, so going to the movie theater is a luxury this evil family can afford thanks to all the money they save each year.


3. "We have movie powers!!!!" Umm... what? Movie powers? What the hell are movie powers? Do you mean an actual movie power, as in the ability to promote yourself for months on end and make a ton of money upon release? Or are you talking about a specific movie?

What if these evil kids actually think they have movie powers? What if the IRS audits their father? Will they save him by shouting, "We have movie powers!?" I'm curious as to what that will accomplish. Perhaps the IRS agent's briefcase will transform into popcorn and soda. That's my best guess, anyway.


4. "I have diarrhea!" Ew? I don't how things work it Vietnam, but here in America, we don't announce that we have diarrhea. This is not a good accomplishment. Maybe people get praised for having diarrhea in Vietnam, but not here, kid.

I found it interesting that these kids kept swimming despite hearing the diarrhea declaration. If I were in a pool with some of my friends, and one of them announced that he had diarrhea, I'd leap out of the pool right away.

Instead, the evil Vietnamese pool party continued. If I were to come up with an explanation, it would be that having diarrhea is commonplace after digesting dogs and cats for dinner. Thus, the prospect of having diarrhea floating around in the pool didn't bother anyone.


5. "I have rubber in my butt!" Not that there's anything wrong with that.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Russian Yoda

We go from an evil Vietnamese pool party to my gym pool, which at times hosts very evil people (see Jerks of the Week Entry No. 3).

One of the nicer individuals there is a guy I call Russian Yoda. There are three reasons I've dubbed him this: 1) He's an old Russian man with a very thick Russian accent. 2) He looks like a white version of Yoda. And 3) He actually speaks like Yoda.

I'm not kidding about the last part. In fact, the only grammatically correct sentence he's ever said, as far as I know, is: "Hhhow arre you doing tonight seeeer?"

Of course, it would be pretty difficult to screw that one up. Here are some of his more memorable quotes:

"Fine, I am doing, my good friend." I think Yoda actually said this in one of the Star Wars movies.

"A day wizout laugh iz a day wizout money, I remember." Ah yes, the famous laughter equals money adage. It's great that you remembered that one.

"Best time to swim at night, eight o'clock, agree you?" I was thinking nine o'clock, but how can I argue with such a profound statement?

"Good night and good chances." What if I'm not a risk-taker and I don't want to take any chances? What then, Russian Yoda?

"Thank you for our attention." I think this is supposed to mean "thanks for paying attention to me." I don't know where he got the "our" from though.

"You will be design." I will be a design? Weh?

I've always wanted to make fun of Russian Yoda, but didn't know how to go about doing it. He's a nice dude, so he didn't belong in the Jerks of the Week section. Fortunately, that changed recently.

I was pulling out of the gym parking lot one evening. I found myself going 10 miles per hour because some douche in front of me was driving very slowly. I managed to figure out that it was Russian Yoda by seeing through his rear-view mirror.

I haven't seen any of the Star Wars movies in a long time, but as far as I can remember, Yoda never drove. If he had to, I could imagine that he'd be the slowest driver ever. "Wins the race, slow and steady, hmm!?"

So, Russian Yoda drives super slowly. Not a big deal, right? Well, I was still behind him at the first traffic light because we were driving on a one-lane street and I couldn't pass him. The light was green, yet Russian Yoda stopped for some reason. The crosswalk signal showed that there were eight seconds left for pedestrians to cross, yet Russian Yoda's car remained still. I honked my horn multiple times, but he didn't budge. Instead, he held up his hand as if he were signaling something to me (it wasn't the finger; just a hand.)

I really didn't understand this. Did he feel like it was too risky to turn right at a green light that had eight seconds remaining? "Risk cannot take I. Might not be enough, eight seconds, hmm!?"

I had to wait about two minutes until the light cycled to green again. He finally made his turn, and I was able to pass him on the next road.

I thought about this over the past couple of days. What if Russian Yoda used the Force to see that turning during the first green light would result in an accident for both of us? Is that what the hand signal was all about? If so, Russian Yoda is a genius and a master of divination. That, or he's just retarded.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Fat Ladies in the Pool

We all know why the chicken crossed the road. Why though, did the fat ladies cross my lane in the pool? To piss me off, that's why.

I was working out in the pool recently. I don't know why, but the pool was extra dirty on this particular evening. I could barely see right in front of me amid the cloudy water, old-people skin and Band-Aids floating around.

Suddenly, this black blob appeared in front of me. I didn't know what the hell it was, but I found that I was quickly being sucked into its gravity well. While gasping for air, I flailed my arms enough to set myself free from this vortex. I was nearly a goner.

Backing away from this abomination, I stood up and looked ahead to see what nearly killed me. It was no black hole; it was a fat lady in a black bathing suit. She and her fat friend went under the lane line and flopped into the adjacent lane.

I was pretty angry. Here I was, just swimming and minding my own business, when some fat ladies nearly trampled me. I swam back to the wall, where I spotted my buddy Mike. I asked him if he saw what happened.

"Hell yeah," Mike laughed. "They saw you. They looked right at you and still crossed in front of you. They were even laughing the whole time."

I took off my goggles, caught my breath and tried to stop my heart from racing. I looked back at the fat ladies, and they were still laughing at me. I'm glad you found that funny, fat ladies. You nearly trampled me to death, but I guess that's amusing.

I then thought about it from their perspective. What were they talking about when they decided to nearly kill me? Here's what I imagine their conversation sounded like:

Fat Lady No. 1: ME HUNGRY.

Fat Lady No. 2: ME HUNGRY TOO. ME SEARCH ENTIRE POOL BUT ME CAN NO FIND DORITOS OR OREOS ON BOTTOM OF POOL THAT CAMPERS LEAVE BEHIND.

Fat Lady No. 1: NOM NOM NOM NOM... SORRY ME EAT MY OWN HAND.

Fat Lady No. 2: THAT NO GOOD. SAVE HAND FOR EMERGENCY.

Fat Lady No. 1: LOOK, A YOUNG MAN IS SWIMMING ALONE.

Fat Lady No. 2: HERE PLAN. WE TRY TO RUN HIM OVER. IF WORK, WE CAN COOK HIM FOR DINNERS. IF NO WORK, STILL AMUSING.

Fat Lady No. 1: SOUND GOOD TO ME, NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Fat Lady No. 2: STOP EATING HAND!!!

And to think, I was THIS close to becoming dinner for two fat ladies.