Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011

Jerks of the Week for Feb. 21, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Farim

Two weeks ago, I showed you many e-mails from the most illiterate man alive. His name is Farim. You can click the link and see how stupid he is, but be warned - reading his e-mails multiple times may cause a seizure.

I didn't hear back from Farim for a couple of days after my initial exchange with him. I don't know what brain-dead, illiterate people do in their spare time, but whatever it is, that's what Farim was doing.

Farim finally broke his silence two days before the Super Bowl. He attempted to contact me via Gmail chat:



As you can imagine, Farim wasn't very pleased that he would be featured in my Jerks of the Week column.

He quickly replied with another e-mail:



The odd thing is that Farim was insulted that I called him a "column" and not a "jerk." Perhaps in his native illiterate tongue, "column" means "animal-f***ing a**hole who urinates and s***s on himself five times a day while watching gay QVC shows." Not that there's anything wrong with that.

After a silent Saturday, Farim tried to chat with me on the day of the Super Bowl despite the fact that I told him that my Gmail chat doesn't work:



What a shame that I can't get on Gmail chat - otherwise, I could have learned all about his crazy day at Wal-Mart. Darn it. It sounds like a fascinating story. What could have possibly happened to those food sand almonmts? My palms are sweating in anticipation, Farim! I need to hear more!

After the game, I sent Farim a link to his Jerks of the Week entry. He didn't take too kindly to this, as you can see by the next seven e-mails he sent to me:



I haven't heard from my crazed, illiterate stalker since then, but I have learned something from my interactions with him. Believe it or not, some people in the world are g@y (or the synonym, F@GGISHAY).

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron

Farim and Emmitt Smith somehow mated and had a baby daughter named Jessica M. I wish I were joking.

Who is Jessica M., you ask? Only the dumbest person to ever set up a Facebook account, that's who.

Now, don't worry. Don't think you're not cool for not knowing who Jessica M. is. I didn't know either until Wednesday afternoon. I was updating something on my site when my sister Jackie IMed me:

"Wow, look at [our friend] Will's status and this chick Jessica M. commenting on what I said."

Here was the exchange between my sister and Jessica M:

Jessica M (commenting on something Will wrote): Cdfffu(:

Jackie: what is cdfu?

Jessica M: Ohmy Crackinq Da F*** Up '

Jackie: Really? "Da" you're already shortening it to an acronym and you have to use "da" instead of "the?" Ridiculous.

Jessica M: Listen You F***inq White Boy I Can Say What I Wanna do You Want Me To Use White Boy Words For You " The " Stfu ! & Get A Life Bye F***innnq Boy .

Jackie: Boy? Hmmm, last time I checked I was a girl.

Jessica M: Welllll I Say What I Wannna Girl Boy Cyuuuh Get Outtta Here ! Cdfu(: Oh Wait I Mean Ctfu(:

Jackie: Clearly Jacqueline is a boy's name. Or as Mister Jessica would say: dis nam b boii nd iznt gurl, yo.

For those of you who just suffered a brain hemorrhage, I apologize. For those of you still with me, this may come as a complete surprise to you, but the M. in Jessica M. is short for a Mexican last name. Yes, it's true. They've invaded our country illegally, and now they're on Facebook illegally. Oh, when will this nightmare end?

At any rate, Jessica M. and my sister continued their catfight.

Jessica M: Yous Are funny as s*** you f***inq white terds cdfuuuuu !

Jackie: Hey Jessica, did you know your surname is actually either Spanish or Portuguese... meaning your ancestors are white? Cracker.

Jessica M: Do you know you loook like a chink white terd looinq ugly froq b***h(: Ahahaha & im italian & spanish baby f*** you mean go suck yur husbands dick your like 30!

Will: Omg Jessica. Chill out. It's all fun and games.

Jessica M: Idunnn Curr Trynnna Come At Me Illl Putccchu On Blast !(:

Jackie: I'm telling you... Somehow Farim and Emmitt had a child.

Jessica didn't reply after that. She was either confused or deported off Facebook.

Do you think there's some sort of village where people like Jessica M., Farim and Emmitt Smith congregate? Because there are other people out there who can't put a coherent sentence together. For instance, the following person frequently posts on my female friend's wall, and his nonsensical messages constantly show up in my news feed.

I've collected six of his posts over the past half year. I didn't know what I was going to do with them until now. Posting them here, right after Jessica M's confusing acronyms seems appropriate.

ur ma sis 4life blood is not need i still havent tasted any lasagna better den urs n btw i hope ur still ryming mc bumble bee u owe me anutha battle

Someone owes you "anutha" battle? How about "anutha" dictionary? Or just "anutha" book? Or your first book, maybe. And what's this tasting lasagna stuff? Is that what the cool kids are saying nowadays? Like instead of eating a girl out, you eat her lasagna? Mmm... lasagna... NOM NOM NOM NOM.

BEBEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!!! excuse me

You are definitely excused! After all that "lasagna" you've digested, I'm sure there's more where that came from.

y u stoppt txtn? :(

Perhaps because you're continuously belching, pig. And ranting about battles, blood and bumble bees doesn't help either. I'd actually suggest for you to put your three favorite subjects together and write a book about a bloody battle against bumble bees, but I don't think a single sentence would be grammatically correct.

red couch errrr jajaja ;)

See what I mean? This person was trying to describe a couch ruddy from all the blood spilt in the epic bloody battle against the bumble bees, but three words in, he had a seizure. Book fail.

dont try to save everyone cuz u juz gonna end up az stresst as they are

We shouldn't save everyone? So, what do you expect us to do? Sit back while the bumble bees take over the world? Not all of us are lucky enough to come home at night and eat a woman's "lasagna," pal.

2day wuz fun bebe, i love u mmmmmuahh, we should name dat couch hangover lol

The blood-stained couch is hung over? Dude, I don't get where you're going with this plot line. I'm even beginning to think that your wall posts have nothing to do with a bloody battle against bumble bees.

I give up. I'd ask my readers if they could decipher this person's nonsensical Facebook posts, but I'm guessing that everyone has suffered a brain hemorrhage already.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial

Super Bowl XLV featured some great ads. We had Ozzy Osbourne asking, "What's a Bieber?" We watched a man resurrect someone's grandfather with Doritos. And we enjoyed Kim Kardashian running around half-naked. I'm not sure what she was advertising, but I'll take 20 of those.

Unfortunately, there apparently was a racist Super Bowl commercial. If you don't remember one, you're not alone. I don't recall any of the ads being racist either.

U.S. Representative Sheila Jackson Lee disagrees. This may come as a surprise to you, but not only is Jackson Lee a Democrat; she also wasted countless hours of our government's time complaining about this supposedly racist Super Bowl ad.

I'll let you be the judge. Here's a link to Pepsi's Racist Super Bowl commercial. You decide if it's racist or not.

I'm not sure what Jackson Lee (wasn't he a U.S. President?) is getting at, but I've come up with three possible reasons as to why this commercial is racist:

1. Black People only Drink Pepsi out of Black Pepsi Cans. I've never seen a black Pepsi can before. I've only seen a blue (regular) and white (Throwback) Pepsi cans.

Perhaps I've never seen a black Pepsi can because I'm not black. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not being politically correct. I've never seen an African American Pepsi can because I'm not black.

2. Black People Only Eat Hamburgers and Soap. When the guy's overbearing wife stuck a bar of soap into her husband's mouth, I was appalled.

For decades, black people have tried to shed the stereotype that all they eat are hamburgers and bars of soap. How can black people overcome this if Pepsi reminds us of this disgusting stereotype?

3. Black-on-Black Crime. This horrible woman spends the entire commercial kicking, slapping and throwing Pepsi cans at her husband. Black women throughout America are renowned for spousal abuse. It's an epidemic, and it needs to stop.

In all seriousness, Sheila Jackson Lee needs to shut the f*** up. No one thought this commercial was racist. If anything, men should be offended because if this ad depicted a man hitting a woman like that, there would be chaos. All the feminazis across the land would band together, march through Washington and annoy the hell out of everyone. Sheila Jackson Lee included, as long as there were multiple races involved.

Jackson Lee is an idiot. If she thinks that black guy is only interested in that white chick because of her skin color, she's incredible naive. Maybe, I don't know, the black guy liked the white chick because she was a billion times hotter than his wife? And perhaps if the black guy saw a hot black chick jogging in short shorts, he'd pay more attention to her than his fat white wife.

On second thought, I'd like to retract that previous sentence. Everyone knows black guys love fat white chicks.

I actually believe this commercial needs more racism. Why? Because Sheila Jackson Lee is a racist moron, that's why. I pray to God that she stumbles upon this Jerks of the Week entry.

So, in my best attempt to piss Miss Jackson Lee off...

** Scene 1 **

Black Guy: I'll have some fried chicken.

Black Woman kicks Black Guy

Black Guy: And some orange soda to go along with that fried chicken, please!

** Scene 2 **

Black Woman shoves Black Guy's face into a cake.

(Whoops, I forgot to make this racist.)

Black Woman shoves Black Guy's face into a watermelon.

** Scene 3 **

Black Guy takes a hamburger out of the bag.

Black Woman: Here, eat something healthy!

Black Woman shoves a slice of watermelon into Black Guy's mouth.

** Scene 4 **

Black Guy and Black Woman enjoy Pepsi Max on a park bench. Hot White Chick runs by. Black Guy checks her out; she smiles back. Racist White Police Officer notices.

Racist White Police Officer: That's it, pal! Yer under arrest!

Black Guy: What did I do, officer?

Racist White Police Officer: Yew were lookin' at one of my kind! Yer gonna be locked up for a long time after I kick your a**!

Black Guy: But, officer, I didn't...

Racist White Police Officer: How dare yew talk back to me!? For that, I'm takin' out my nightstick! And let's make this quick, cuz I got a NASCAR race to watch.

Black Guy notices a basketball on the ground.

Black Guy: Not so fast, officer!

Black Guy does a 720-degree slam dunk. The backboard shatters, and the glass slices the Racist White Police Officer's throat.

Hot White Chick: Wowowowowow you're like so hot oh my God, have sex with me right now!

Black Guy: I don't think so, girl. But if you put on about 50 pounds and have all of it go to your a**, maybe we'll talk.

Think that's racist enough for Miss Shelia Jackson Lee? I actually hope not. I wouldn't want her wasting a whole week of our government's time talking about my Web site.