Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011

Jerks of the Week for Sept. 19, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Curly Mustache Lady

My inability to start a conversation with Somewhat Cute Cashier was just part of the recent issues I've had waiting in line recently.

I hate waiting in line more than anything. It's why I refuse to go to amusement parks when I know it'll be crowded. As crazy it sounds, I'd rather take a longer drive home rather than wait in traffic on a quicker route. Like, if it meant deciding between a 20-minute drive amid traffic and traveling in a hot-air balloon around the globe just to get home, I'd go with the hot-air balloon every single time.

Anyway, I was carrying my usual Cocoa Pebbles, Frosted Flakes, buffalo chicken strips, Oreos and orange juice at Bottom Dollar Food last Friday. I noticed that Somewhat Cute Cashier was working that day, so I made sure I got into her line. I slid behind a future diabetic who had like 25 bottles of soda in his shopping cart and a black lady with a mustache. Suddenly, the black lady got out of line and walked to the snack aisle. I moved up.

The black lady came back 30 seconds later holding a bag of chips. She looked at me and scowled. I thought she was going to complain about me stealing her spot, but she started ranting about the chips instead.

Curly Mustache Lady: Can you believe this? This bag of Lay's is half empty! I got half a mind not to buy this!

Me: Uhh... yeah... that sucks.

I couldn't really answer her because I couldn't stop staring at her mustache. It was disgusting. It was so thick and curly - almost as if she gave her mustache a perm.

I was able to get out of the conversation because Curly Mustache Lady's phone rang.

Curly Mustache Lady: How am I doin? I'm here at Bottom Dollar. I'm holdin' this bag of Lay's, and it's half empty, and this young man cut me off in line, that's how I'm doin'.

Cut her off in line? What a mustachioed a**hole. She left to get a bag of chips. She got out of line. She can't expect to retain her spot. That's bulls***.

Curly Mustache Lady was still on the phone when the future diabetic's sodas were rung up. I finally had a chance to talk to Somewhat Cute Cashier. Quickly thinking of something clever, I made my move.

Me: They really should have an express lane here.

Somewhat Cute Cashier: Yeah.

Me: It's kinda ridiculous that I had to wait that long behind that future diabetic.

Somewhat Cute Cashier: Yeah.

Me: I live right around the corner, so I'm always here buying a couple of things, so it'd be awesome if you guys got an express lane.

Somewhat Cute Cashier: Yeah.

Hmm... either my gaming skills suck, or the only word she knows in the English language is "yeah." Now that I think about it, I should have used this to my advantage:

Me: Hey, I think you're hot. Do you think I'm hot?

Somewhat Cute Cashier: Yeah.

Me: Wanna bang?

Somewhat Cute Cashier: Yeah.

Me: Want to ask Curly Mustache Lady if she wants to have a threesome?

Somewhat Cute Cashier: Yeah.

Yeesh, I just grossed myself out. Now, every time I see Somewhat Cute Cashier, I'm going to think of Curly Mustache Lady's thick, black, mustache curls.

I kind of don't want to bang Somewhat Cute Cashier anymore.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Owl Girl

So, I'm not into Somewhat Cute Cashier as much, but that's all right because there's a hot chick who works the register at Wawa. She's a really cute red-head, and she and this other fat girl were the two cashiers one recent evening.

Of course, I tried my best to get into the hot red-headed girl's line, but her customer was taking way too long. The customer was some Mexican chick who couldn't decide which cigarettes to buy.

Mexican Chick: I want dat one.

Hot Red-Head: This one?

Mexican Chick: No, no, I don't want diiis one, I want daaaat one.

Hot Red-Head: This one?

Mexican Chick: Lemme see... oh no, I don't want dis one. I want daaaat one.

Hot Red-Head: This one?

Mexican Chick: Oh yes... wait, no, no, no, no.

I don't smoke, but isn't a cigarette just a f***ing cigarette? They all cost a ton of money, and they all give you cancer. There's no difference, as far as I'm concerned.

Meh. I guess I'm just mad that I didn't get a chance to talk to the hot red-headed chick. Instead, I had to get into the fat girl's line. I guess this was fortunate, because it gave me some Jerks of the Week material.

The fat girl was normal at first glance - until I noticed her earrings. She had owl feathers attached to them. Not small owl feathers either; these things were massive, almost as if she went into the woods, set a trap, caught an owl, devoured it whole, and save two feathers as some sort of a hunting trophy.

All I bought at Wawa was a salad since I had those buffalo chicken strips at home. Fat Owl Girl seemed pretty nonplussed by this.

Fat Owl Girl: SALAD ALL YOU BUY!?

Me: Yeah.

Fat Owl Girl: WHY YOU NO BUY OTHER FOOD FOOD!?

Me: I have other food at home.

Fat Owl Girl: BUT SO MANY TASTY FOOD FOOD HERE. WHY YOU NO BUY COOKIE COOKIE TO MIX WITH SALAD?

Me: Cookies and salad?

Fat Owl Girl: COOKIE COOKIE TASTE GOOD WITH SALAD, ME EAT ALL THE TIME!

Me: Yuck. Did you mix that owl in as well?

Fat Owl Girl: HOW YOU KNOW ME EAT OWL? OWL TASTY NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Me: Just a wild guess.

OK, OK, Fat Owl Girl didn't really talk like that. She did seem confused that all I was purchasing was a salad, but we barely spoke to each other. I'm just mad that I didn't get a chance to try my awesome gaming skills with the hot red-head.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to see the red-head much, since I'm going to have to avoid going to Wawa. What if Fat Owl Girl sets a trap, catches me, devours me whole, and wears my thumbs on her earrings as a hunting trophy? I'd say there's a pretty good chance that this could happen.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Coffee Queen

If you were too lazy to click on the link in the previous entry, there's someone at Wawa I like to call Change Nazi. She's a robot from the future who was sent back in time to hasten the change-giving process in stores across the world.

Change Nazi is relentless. If you give her more change after she's opened up the register, she refuses it. And if you give her the wrong amount of money? Well, let's just say that you'll be lucky to survive the laser beams she shoots out of her eyes.

I hadn't seen Change Nazi for a few months prior to last week. She must have been undergoing maintenance because she switched up her routine. In addition to saying the exact amount of money (i.e. "that's eight dollars and zero cents, sir"), this new Change Nazi 2.0 now asks everyone what their profession is. While standing in line last week, I saw her have the following exchange with all of her customers:

Change Nazi 2.0: Is that it, sir?

Woman: Yes.

Change Nazi 2.0: That will be eight dollars and 54 cents, sir.

*** Woman hands Change Nazi 2.0 a $10 bill. ***

Change Nazi 2.0: Out of 10 dollars and zero cents, sir, and what do you do for your profession?

Woman: I'm a nurse.

Change Nazi 2.0: Ah, wonderful! Here is your change, sir, and have a good evening.

If Change Nazi 2.0's programmers did this to make her sound more friendly, it was an epic fail. She still comes across as completely mechanical and continues to have issues being able to distinguish between "sir" and "ma'am." Everyone is a sir - man, woman or child.

At any rate, there were two people in front of me - a geeky dude who told Change Nazi 2.0 that he's a college professor, and a black woman carrying 12 coffee cups. As Change Nazi 2.0 finished up with the college professor, I actually started getting a little excited at the prospect of telling Change Nazi 2.0 that I run this Web site for a living. Unfortunately, the woman in front of me ruined everything.

I really don't get what this lady - let's call her Coffee Queen - was doing. She had 12 coffee cups with her, yet she gave Change Nazi 2.0 only four of the coffee cups. As you can imagine, Change Nazi 2.0 was very confused.

Change Nazi 2.0: You're only getting four of the cups, sir?

Coffee Queen: Yea, I want to see if I have enough money to get five.

Change Nazi rung up the four cups and told Coffee Queen the price.

Coffee Queen: Yea, I got enough for one more.

Change Nazi 2.0: Just the one, sir?

Coffee Queen: Yea, I don't know if I got enough money to get the sixth one.

Once again, Change Nazi 2.0 gave Coffee Queen the price, and Coffee Queen handed over a sixth cup. This kept on going until Coffee Queen finally figured out that she could purchase 10 of the 12 coffee cups she brought with her to the register. Coffee Queen must have sucked royally at math, but Change Nazi 2.0 was super annoyed. I could see it in her eyes - she was fuming. Fortunately for Coffee Queen, Change Nazi 2.0's programmers apparently disabled her eye lasers; otherwise she would have fried Coffee Queen.

After that whole ordeal was over, I was ready to tell Change Nazi 2.0 what I do for a living.

Change Nazi 2.0: Is that it, sir?

Me: Yes.

Change Nazi 2.0: That will be four dollars and 99 cents, sir.

*** I hand Change Nazi 2.0 a $5 bill. ***

Change Nazi 2.0: Out of 5 dollars and zero cents, sir.

Me: Umm... I... uhh... run a Web...

Change Nazi 2.0: Here is your change, sir, and have a good evening.

What the hell!? I wanted to tell Change Nazi 2.0 about my Web site, damn it.

Coffee Queen ruined everything! When Change Nazi 2.0's programmers take her in for maintenance again, I'm hoping they re-install her laser eyes. Or maybe they can attach a giant sword to her head so she can slice a**holes like Coffee Queen in half when they do something stupid.

That would totally make up for not being able to tell Change Nazi 2.0 about my Web site.