Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011

Jerks of the Week for Dec. 12, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK: Lexus December to Remember Commercials

Christmas is a great holiday. There's nothing like driving to the mall, seeing all the colorful lights along the way, and buying presents for myself. People say that Christmas is the holiday of giving. Well, giving presents to myself is the best kind of giving.

Unfortunately, there are bad things about Christmas. Those colorful lights can cause accidents. The fake Santas standing outside of stores and begging me to donate to the Salvation Army should be deported for being annoying. And then there's buying presents for other people. I don't get this. Why would anyone give someone else a gift without the 100-percent certainty of getting something in return? Makes no sense to me.

The worst part about Christmas, of course, are the December to Remember Lexus commercials. It's an annual tradition on Jerks of the Week to make fun of them. I did so last year, but unfortunately, all the YouTube videos were taken down.

The December to Remember Lexus campaign sucks because it only targets rich people. Those who are poor and only moderately wealthy can't afford to buy their loved one a Lexus for Christmas without going completely bankrupt. So, in addition to being cheesy, these ads only function as a reminder to the non-rich that they can't afford fancy-shmancy cars.

I can only imagine the discussion at Lexus headquarters prior to launching this God-forsaken ad campaign:

Lexus Brother A: We need to sell more Lexuses, and we need to sell more Lexuses now!

Lexus Brother B: Yes! How about we air TV commercials where people buy each other Lexuses for Christmas? This will entice the rich to buy a Lexus for their loved one.

Lexus Brother A: Brilliant, Mortimer!

Lexus Employee: But sirs, won't this make the poor and middle class feel bad about themselves?

Mortimer Lexus: You hear that, Randolph? This idiot cares about the poor and the middle class!

Randolph Lexus: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Who the hell cares about these losers? Only rich people concern us. The non-rich can die as far as we're concerned because they don't buy our vehicles!

Mortimer Lexus: Lexus Employee, you're fired. Get out of my sight.

Randolph Lexus: Mortimer, it's amazing how our employees just don't understand simple business. It's almost like we can take a black bum from the street and have him do just as good of a job - if not better - than the idiots we have working for us right now.

Mortimer Lexus: A black bum? You can't be serious, Randolph. A white bum, maybe, but certainly not a black bum!

Randolph Lexus: I will bet you $1 it will work!

Mortimer Lexus: Deal! One dollar!

Because Randolph and Mortimer Lexus are such douche bags, let's make fun of the four 2011 December to Remember Lexus commercials:


Lexus Guitar Hero Commercial

First of all, it's great to know that Penny and Desmond from LOST had kids. I'm really happy for that young couple.

Second, who plays Guitar Hero anymore? That's so 2009. I think it's more likely that the kids would be playing Super Mario Bros., which is downloadable on the Wii.

With that in mind, let's make this commercial more realistic.

Eldest Daughter: Hey mom, do you want to play Super Mario Bros?

Mom: Sure!

*** Mom starts the game right away, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Little Kid: Mom! You have to jump on the Goomba!

Mom: Oh, OK!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Little Kid: Mom! You have to press the jump button!

Mom: Oops!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Little Kid: Here, mom, let me beat that guy for you!

Mom: No, no, I'll do it!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Youngest Daughter: Mom, maybe you should let us handle this first bad guy. He can be pretty tough.

Mom: No, it's OK. I'll figure this out.

*** Mom re-starts the level 50 more times, runs into the first Goomba 50 more times and dies 50 more times. ***

Little Kid: Mom, press the A button!

Youngest Daughter: It's the B button; not the A button!

Little Kid: No, stupid head, it's the A button!

Youngest Daughter: If I'm a stupid head, then you're adopted!

Little Kid: Mooooommmmmm!!! She said I'm adopted!

Mom: SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE HERE!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Mom: HAHA THAT WALKING MUSHROOM IS SO BROWN! HIS EYES... HIS EYES, SO DARK... SO COLD... I WILL KILL HIM HAHA, I WILL DESTROY HIM IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

Dad: Hey, let's take a break. Honey, I got you a present. It's a Lexus!

*** Mom re-starts the level, runs into the first Goomba and dies. ***

Mom: HAHA... YES... A LEXUS... THAT IS WHAT I NEED TO DESTROY THIS VILE BROWN MUSHROOM... I WILL RUN HIM OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL HIS GUTS ARE SMEARED ALL OVER THE ROAD... YES... HAHA... THAT IS WHAT I WILL DO... HAHA!

Lexus Elevator Commercial

I think this commercial is really disturbing. I mean, look at that woman's hair. She looks like a 10-year-old with that hairdo. I had that same exact haircut when I was in fifth grade.

If I were President of the United States, I would make it against the law for any woman to have hair shorter than ear length. And it's not just because women look better with longer hair - what if short-haired women are mistaken for 10-year-old boys and are raped in the shower by a football coach? As a Penn State grad, I know for a fact that this has happened on several occasions.

I'm still saddened by the whole Joe Paterno ordeal, so let's turn this into reality before I cry my eyes out.

*** The couple gets on the elevator. Lexus music starts playing. ***

Man: Wait... what is this music? It sounds so familiar.

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: I... I swear I've heard this somewhere before.

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: Hmmm...

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: HMM...

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: Oh wait, I know! I heard this music in Jerry Sandusky's office.

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: Jerry was playing this when... it was a cold afternoon... the sky was cloudy... Jerry summoned me to his office... he had this music playing... then he took me to the showers...

Woman: Tee-hee.

Man: Why would you play this... unless... no!!!

Woman: Yes! Muhahahahahaha!

Man: You're Jerry Sandusky!!! AHHH!!! But I thought you were a woman!

Jerry Sandusky: A clever disguise - and my little boy haircut threw you off. Remember, you had this very haircut when we played in the showers together? MUHAHAHAHAHA! Now come to me my pretty, for it has been far too long!

Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!


Lexus Black People Commercial

Lexus would be considered racist if they didn't have a commercial with black people in it. So, why not find the palest black people on the planet, including a guy who looks exactly like Barack Obama?

It's almost like Lexus is saying that dark-skinned black people can't afford Lexuses. This is simply not true. I know for a fact that many dark-skinned black people are financially capable of owning a Lexus. These people include: Oprah Winfrey, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Donovan McNabb and Tony Danza. There are also many more.

So, what would really go down if an Obama look-alike gave his wife a Lexus for Christmas?

Obama Look-Alike: I have one more gift for you.

Wife: Oh, Barack, you shouldn't have!

Obama Look-Alike: For the last time, woman, I'm not Barack Obama!

Wife: Suuuure, Mr. President. Wink, wink.

Obama Look-Alike: Ugh. We've been married for 12 years, yet you still think I'm President Obama. How can you be so stupid?

Wife: What can I say, Barack, wink, wink? So, where is my gift?

Son: Mommy, mommy, I dunked two basketballs at the same time in school today!

Wife: Shut up, kid! President Obama is about to give me my final Christmas present.

Obama Look-Alike: Here it is. It's a music box.

Wife: A music box? You're the President of the United f***ing States of America, and all you could afford is a f***ing music box?

Obama Look-Alike: But no... you have to play it...

Wife: I'm not playing a f***ing music box! You're President Obama. Do you know how much money you're capable of stealing in taxes from the real middle class each year? You should have bought me a castle for Christmas!

Obama Look-Alike: A castle? But I bought you a L...

Wife: You bought me nothing! My mom was right. I should have married Joe Biden.

Lexus Ringtone Commercial

I don't know this guy, but if I did, I'd really hate him. He's one of those "I'm better than you because I have a loft downtown and a job at a fancy-shmancy art gallery, and all the money I don't burn away on rent, I spend at Starbucks, where I meet up with other pretentious people and discuss how cultured we are" douche bags. I like to call these people "artsy-fartsy new-age hippies," but you may know them as the #Occupy idiots who accomplish nothing outside of annoying people who work hard.

It makes me want to puke. Let me get to turning this commercial into reality before I vomit all over my keyboard.

Sweater Guy: I am so cool, I've been to Starbucks like five times today and everyone complimented me on my awesome sweater and great comb-over haircut, like oh my gosh.

Girlfriend: I'll be right back.

*** Sweater Guy hears ringing ***

Sweater Guy: Whatever could that noise be? It sounds like it's coming from under the Winter Solstice Tree. Here in my cultured apartment loft, we don't believe in non-secular holidays like Christmas. We celebrate the Winter Solstice with gifts, holiday lights and a Winter Solstice Tree. It's nothing like Christmas.

*** Sweater Guy opens present ***

Sweater Guy: You got me a phone with a car picture on it! That's what I've always wanted!

Girlfriend: No, honey, I actually got you the car!

Sweater Guy: The car? Well... if it's electric that's OK... as long as I can keep the phone with the car picture on it.

Girlfriend: Sure, you can keep the phone, silly! Let's go out and see it.

*** They go outside ***

Sweater Guy: Like oh my gosh, the car is the same one as the picture on my new phone!

Girlfriend: Umm... yeah, that was the point of the picture.

*** Suddenly, Michael Vick approaches ***

Sweater Guy: Look, honey, I'm very cultured. I have an African American friend I discuss art with, so I can converse with this particular African American. Hey, Mr. African American, who is better, Picasso or Monet? And whilst you answer, please check out my new phone with the car picture on it. Isn't my girlfriend the best?

Michael Vick: Hark! I must commandeer your domestic canine, so I may electrocute it and drown it!

Sweater Guy: Ahhhhh!!! It's an evil black man like the ones the big corporations portray in the movies!!! Please do not steal my phone with the car picture on it! I'll give you anything!!!

Michael Vick: Good sir, I do not desire your phone with the vehicle photograph on it. I merely have an interest in your domestic canine, as I previously specified.

Sweater Guy: Fine, fine, fine, take the dog, take the car, take my girlfriend, I don't care!!! Just don't steal my precious phone with the car picture on it, or my sweater. Oh my gosh, my sweater is so awesome, oh my gosh.