Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012

Jerks of the Week for Feb. 20, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials

There are many things I hate about ESPN. The unintelligent, grammatically challenged analysts whom they hire provide absolutely no insight. Their decision to ruin NFL Primetime, the best sports show on TV, was absolutely mind-boggling. And their insistence on hiding their "premium" content behind a pay wall called Insider is a sham.

My favorite aspect of ESPN is PTI, which airs daily at 5:30. One of the co-hosts, Michael Wilbon, had the following to say on Feb. 14: "Valentine's Day is for losers."

That might have been the best sentence ever spoken in the history of mankind. It was both unbelievably hilarious and undeniably true. Valentine's Day is for losers - because everyone loses on Valentine's Day.

Men lose on Valentine's Day because they have to spend billions of dollars on their wife, girlfriend, mistress, favorite prostitute, etc. Remember that Christmas bonus you received two months ago? Well, I hope you saved it because you'll be spending it all on the woman in your life.

Single men obviously get the shaft as well. For those desperate to find love, there's nothing more disheartening to see "happy" couples walking around everywhere. There is a reason why there are more suicides on Valentine's Day than any other day. I have no source for this; I know this to be factually correct in my head, so that's all that counts. Using sources is for fools, children and young girls. Tell that to your professor or teacher the next time they want you to cite something.

And yeah, there's always the prospect of meeting some chick desperate for a Valentine at the bar, but that usually ends up being some STD-ridden whore like Drunkest Woman Ever. Believe me, hooking up with Drunkest Woman Ever is not a good thing. Not that I've ever done it. I don't want it to hurt when I pee, and I don't want to develop some deadly disease like AIDS or herpes. That's no fun.

Popular belief is that the women are the big winners on Valentine's Day, but that's a load of crap. That might have been the case 40 years ago when TVs didn't exist, but with Kay Jewelers and Jared running commercials every five seconds, women can now see that their husbands, boyfriends and pimps don't live up to the farce that these companies manufacture. Oh, your husband doesn't pull earrings out of his a** and give them to you when you're moving boxes in your new home? That unromantic jerk. Divorce him immediately!

Kay Jewelers and Jared commercials are the reason why most marriages don't last very long nowadays. Most women want romance, and when they realize that their husband isn't the same ideal romantic depicted in those commercials, they stop putting out. Men need action, so when his wife stops having sex, he gets it from someone else. And since he's getting it from somewhere else, he doesn't need the wife anymore, and thus isn't interested in sex with her on the rare occasion that she is, so she then cheats on him as well. And thus, the marriage is over, and the kids, thinking it's all of their fault, grow up to be drug addicts, circus side-show freaks and loser artists who spend all of their money at Starbucks.

This is why I strive to make fun of awful jewelry commercials every Valentine's Day. Someone has to do it, and if I save even just one marriage as a result, it'll all be worth it.


Open Hearts Collection

Who is this Jane Seymour hag, and why does she get her own Kay commercial? And more importantly, has anyone ever bought her terrible jewelry design? I don't see how that looks like an "open heart." And who wants to wear an open heart, anyway? There are blood vessels and arteries and other red things in an open heart. That stuff doesn't sound romantic to me.

Jane Seymour's design looks like some sort of letter "Z" anyway. Since there's no reason why anyone would ever buy this crap jewelry, I'm beginning to think that Jane Seymour is in league with Emperor Zarlox. That's right - Z stands for Zarlox.

For those of you who do not know who Emperor Zarlox is, he's a religious icon in Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual history. Per their ancient tablets, Emperor Zarlox came to Earth 15,000 years ago and created everything. Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals believe that Zarlox will come back to Earth in another 15,000 years to take his "children and hamsters" home, where all of his children will be able to freely pleasure themselves in their anal crevasses with the hamsters.

And now it becomes obvious - Jane Seymour is a Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual. How did no one see this before? And more importantly, how does no one recognize that she worships Emperor Zarlox? Do you want to be forced to shove a hamster up your rear end (not that there's anything wrong with that)? No, of course not. That's why Jane Seymour needs to be stopped.

So, how do we do this? My idea is to submit my own jewelry design to Kay. If they like my design, they'll hire me and fire Jane Seymour, and then no one will have to anally pleasure themselves with hamsters.

Unfortunately, it can be difficult to think of a design. I'm not an artsy-fartsy downtown-living douche bag, so these things just don't pop into my head. I had to watch that YouTube video close to 100 times to get any sort of idea.

But then it just came to me - Jane Seymour has a weird accent, so when she says "open-heart collection," she pronounces it, "open-haht collection." After listening to her voice 100 times, it began sounding like she was saying, "open-faht collection," as in an open-fart collection.

That's it! I will design my own line of open-fart collections and send them to Kay. Here's my preliminary drawing:



I understand that this is a work in progress, but seriously, what woman wouldn't want to wear one of my open-fart collection necklaces or bracelets? Once Kay sees my Open Farts, Jane Seymour will be out of business, and we won't have to stuff hamsters into our rear ends to appease Emperor Zarlox. Everyone wins.

He Went to Jared Snob

I don't think I've ever made fun of the "He Went to Jared" commercials, but it's about time I do so.

What the hell is this woman doing? She's at some party, and all she's doing is running around, pointing at jewelry and asking these women where they got it from. Who does that? Why would anyone be that obsessed with jewelry? They're just sparkly rocks. I mean, sure, thousands of unfortunate Africans had to die while mining them, but that doesn't matter to this gold-digging tramp, who wants something from Jared no matter what.

I host parties about once every two months, and I would ban any girl who ran around, screeching, "Oooh, oooh, I love this!" Well, unless the girl was hot, of course.

Come to think of it, I'm a bit of a hypocrite, since I've done something similar at parties.

Me: Oooh, oooh, where'd you get that?

Random Person 1: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? They just put them out on the dining room table.

Me: Oooh, oooh, I love this!

Random Person 2: The mini-hot dogs? I got them when my girlfriend went to the dining room.

Me: Oooh, oooh, can I have some of those?

Random Person 3: No, you can't have my cookies. I got them from the...

Me: Dining room... of course you did.

The one thing I don't get about this commercial is how this woman's husband didn't kill himself already. Just listen to his voice, "Oh hi, hoooooonnnnneyy... hah... hah... hah..." He clearly knows that his tramp wife is going to do something crazy, like toss something into his drink or poison his dinner because he didn't buy any of Jared's overpriced, crappy jewelry.

Remember when I said that Valentine's Day had the highest suicide rate? Well, it has the highest homicide rate too. Look it up if you're a fool, a child or a young girl.

Kay Military Commercial

People have various issues with this commercial. The person who posted this video on YouTube complained, "The most exploitative commercial... Kay does nothing for our soldiers or their families. As a child who saw his mother go off to war many times, I know the stress this actually causes. The worry, the lack of understanding..."

A more amusing comment: "You might find this creepy... but every time I see this commercial I keep seeing the dad tell the son, "Now stick your TOUNGE DOWN YOUR MOTHERS THROAT!! FOR ME!! Like I taught you!!"

That's not creepy; that's just unrealistic. This son is the dad's alleged "wing man." Wing men don't stick their tongue down their bro's girl's throat. That totally violates the Bro Code.

My biggest problem with this ad? Look at the husband's face. Notice anything weird? I did right away - he's wearing lipstick!

No one's lips are that red naturally. The only way they can get that red is if A) you eat red candy or B) you put on lipstick. And since they haven't invented red candy in Iraq or Afghanistan yet, logic states that this man smeared lipstick all over his lips.

But why is this man wearing lipstick? And more importantly, what was he doing before his wife called? Hmm...

Lieutenant: General Lipstick, sir! We are approaching the enemy. What are your orders, sir?

General Lipstick: Jeeezztthh Chriiitthhh we're goonnna like attack Thwitherland jeezztth chriitthh!

Lieutenant: Sir, are you sure Switzerland is the enemy? I thought we were fighting the Middle Easterners, sir?

General Lipstick: Jeezzth Chriiithh why are you like always quethoning my orderth jeezth chriith?

Lieutenant: I'm sorry, sir. What is the plan for invading Switzerland, sir?

General Lipstick: I'm going to meet with like the king of Thwitherland and oohh jeezzth, ooooooohhhh jeeezzth we're gonna have like a hot date and thtuff!!!

Lieutenant: I don't understand sir... Sir! Your wife is on the line. She wishes to talk to you immediately!

General Lipstick: Ohhhh jeezzthh...

Lieutenant: I'm putting her through now, sir.

Wife: William! I miss you so much! I... wait... is that lipstick on your face? Are you wearing lipstick?

General Lipstick: Noooo jeeezzzth chriiithh how many times do I have to like tell yewwww, it's like cherry Toothie Popth!

Wife: I didn't think the Iraqis invented cherry Tootsie Pops yet.

General Lipstick: No, I like brought thome over, jeezth chriiitthh!

Wife: Oh, OK, that makes sense. Yeah, what was I thinking? It's not like you're going off to war and whoring yourself out to foreign dignitaries or anything.

General Lipstick: Ohhhh jeeeeeeztthh! Ohhhhhhhh jeeeeezzzzthhhh!!!

Wife: William, I love the present you got for me for Valentine's Day. It's so beautiful. Well, I won't keep you. I hope you win the war by beating the enemies' butts in!

General Lipstick: Ooh jeezthhh...

Lieutenant: General Lipstick, I just received a message from the King of Switzerland. King Cheese Hole has informed us that he has made dinner reservations, and that he's expecting "your cute hinny" there at 8 o'clock, sharp.

General Lipstick: Oh... my... God... like tho nervoth!!! Like thooooo nervoth!!!

Lieutenant: Sir, I just noticed that you smeared your lipstick on the computer screen. I'll get more lipstick, and then we'll fit you into your new dress!

(Not that there's anything wrong with any of this.)

The one other thing I don't understand about this commercial is how the son picked out that piece of jewelry for his dad. How did the son pay for it? Did his dad leave him money and ask him to go buy something? And if so, isn't it a bit convenient that he purchased one of that dreaded woman's Open Heart things?

It's now quite apparent what's going on here. Think about it - the Open Heart jewelry, the lip stick... the dad and son are both Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals, and they are supporting the Open Heart collection to appease Emperor Zarlox.

That leads me to believe that the King of Switzerland is a hamster. Hmm... no wonder that country's so small.