Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012

Jerks of the Week for Sept. 10, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Cakes & Art

It's been a long while since I've written about either of my two gyms. This is ironic because I've been going there nonstop with my friend and forum member Body Burner in an effort to lose weight. Body Burner's aim was to drop 30 pounds or so, and he managed to accomplish that feat. The only negative repercussion from this is that, by his own admission, he looked like he had a dress on when he wore his Ray Rice jersey to one of our fantasy drafts. And I have to say that he looked quite dashing.

As for my goal, I declared on June 25 that it's my desire to lose a tenth of a pound each week until I've dropped from 179 to 169. Well, I'm ahead of schedule. I now weigh 171. No, I haven't stopped eating Doritos and tacos; it's been a combination of swimming every day and losing five pounds while on vacation in high altitude.

Of course, there have been people who have tried to thwart my weight-loss efforts. For example, my sister keeps bringing cupcakes over Sunday night when people gather at my house to watch True Blood (not that there's anything wrong with watching True Blood.) She then tries to guilt me into eating cupcakes.

My Sister: Why aren't you eating these cupcakes?

Me: I'm trying to lose a tenth of a pound each week, and I've already had five tacos and a whole bag of Doritos today!

My Sister: But I brought them. You should eat them.

Me: No, I don't want to!

My Sister: EAT THE DAMN CUPCAKES!!!

Me: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

My Sister: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea how I've dropped three pounds (excluding the five from the trip) under these conditions. Seriously, people are always begging me to eat fatty foods. I'm not even safe at my new gym.

I walked into the gym with Body Burner one recent day, and I immediately saw that the Girl with the Arm Tattoo was at the front desk. For those of you who don't feel like clicking the link, she's a cute, blond girl, but she has a massive tattoo covering her left arm, which is a major turnoff for me. I see her almost every day, but I still can't figure out what that tattoo is supposed to be. It looks like it was done well, but I have no artistic sense at all. Seriously, all art looks the same to me, and I get no feelings or emotions by looking at dumb paintings. In fact, the following conversation occurred recently:

My Mom: I wanted to buy a painting for your house.

Me: Ugh. I don't need paintings.

My Mom: Just look through this magazine. There has to be something you like.

Me: Hmm... nah, I don't like any of these.

My Mom: You have to like one. Just pick one.

Me: But I hate art. I don't need any paintings.

My Mom: I want to get you a painting! Just pick a painting!

Me: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

My Mom: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At any rate, Body Burner and I scanned our ID cards when I noticed that there were some sort of cakes on the counter. They looked good, but they seemed out of place, given that this was a gym and all.

I guess The Girl with the Arm Tattoo noticed that I was drooling, so she asked me if I wanted any.

Me: Ehh... it's tempting, but I dunno.

The Girl with the Arm Tattoo: Come on, you know you want to try some of these cakes. I baked them myself!

Me: Well, they look great, but my friend and I are about to go swimming.

The Girl with the Arm Tattoo: Swimming... what does that have to do with eating cakes?

Body Burner: You know how you're not supposed to swim a half hour after eating?

The Girl with the Arm Tattoo: No, I never heard that before.

Me: Really? You get cramps and stuff.

The Girl with the Arm Tattoo: Cramps? You guys are weird...

The Girl with the Arm Tattoo looked genuinely upset that neither of us wanted to try her cakes, but as Body Burner and I discussed later, what did she expect? It's a gym. People go there to lose weight; not eat cakes.

This all didn't make much sense to me, so I thought of several reasons why the Girl with the Arm Tattoo tried to feed us her delicious cakes:

1. The Girl with the Arm Tattoo laced her cakes with roofies. She wanted Body Burner and me to pass out instantly so she could carry us to the broom closet and have a wild three-way us. I actually thought this might be a strong possibility at the time, but I have a girlfriend now, so there was no way I was going to allow myself to fall for that ruse. But before this spring? I would have been game if the Girl with the Arm Tattoo wanted to take advantage of me against my will.

2. The Girl with the Arm Tattoo laced her cakes with roofies. She wanted to throw our bodies into the trunk of her car and then drive us back to our gingerbread house, where she would fatten us up with her roofied cakes and then eat us for dinner. This scenario wouldn't be too bad if she gave us the option of being taken advantage of in her broom closet before being eaten.

3. The Girl with the Arm Tattoo laced her cakes with roofies. She wanted to drag our bodies to the local tattoo parlor so we'd be forced to get matching tattoos of God-knows-what on our arms.

But again, if there was a broom closet in this tattoo parlor, I wouldn't have objected too much.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: The Drowned Man

Body Burner and I discussed the Girl with the Arm Tattoo's cake offer, as mentioned.

Body Burner: I don't get why she offered us cake. We're here to work out.

Me: What if she wanted to roofie us with the cake and then take advantage of us?

Body Burner: What?

Me: You never know...

Body Burner: I don't think she was trying to drug us.

Me: I wouldn't be so sure. I think I saw an empty broom cl...

I was interrupted when I saw Jeff, a guy in his early 60s who is always at the pool. Jeff, who was sitting next to another man his age, wanted my so-called expertise on football.

Jeff: Walt, I have a football question for you that I think you can answer.

Me: What's up?

Jeff: Who, in your opinion, has been the better quarterback over his career, Donovan McNabb or Michael Vick?

I went into a long explanation about how McNabb was superior because he had much better passing skills, which isn't saying much. QB Dog Killer is a terrific athlete, but he could never read defenses or recognize blitzes, which hurt him in the later rounds of the playoffs. There's a reason he's only won two postseason games in his career.

Anyway, I finished my analysis. Jeff seemed satisfied. His friend, whom I will refer to as the Drowned Man (you'll see why later), had his own, deranged opinions.

The Drowned Man: I have to disagree with you. McNabb has never shown good leadership. Michael Vick, on the other hand, is a tremendous leader.

Me: I wouldn't disagree with that. Players seem to like QB Dog Killer for some bizarre reason, while the entire locker room pretty much hated McNabb.

The Drowned Man: Yeah, it's no surprise that Vick is a leader. He learned great leadership by killing dogs.

Me: Umm... what?

The Drowned Man: He took control of the situation when he was fighting dogs by killing them. That's how he became such a great leader.

Me: I don't see how that makes any sense. He's a sick son of a b***h for killing dogs. This didn't make him a great leader.

The Drowned Man: There's nothing wrong with killing dogs. It's part of the culture in many places in this world.

Me: This is true, but it's the way he killed dogs. He held them underwater and took bets on how long they'd last. If he needed to dispose of dogs so badly, he could have just shot them and given them a quick, painless death. Why did he have to drown them? That's torture. No sane human being would have done that.

The Drowned Man: I would have. Drowning is the best way to die.

Me: Uhh... how do you figure?

The Drowned Man: Look, anyone can die from a gunshot. That's too quick. Too easy. Drowning takes a while. Sure, it's unpleasant at first, but as you keep drowning, it becomes a really surreal experience.

Drowning is a surreal experience? OK, psycho. I was trying to figure out if the Drowned Man was messing with me, but he had a serious expression on his face.

Me: You can't be serious about drowning. Are you saying this just to defend QB Dog Killer?

The Drowned Man: No! Look, you are way too young to understand. You haven't seen the world. I have. Drowning is a good death. I've drowned many times throughout my life!

Me: Drowned many times throughout your life? What does that even mean?

The Drowned Man: Look, I'm telling you, the dogs had a good death. They probably wanted to drown. I'll bet you anything they would have drowned themselves if Michael Vick didn't hold them underwater.

I had enough. I couldn't listen to this disturbed nut job any longer. Body Burner and I walked toward the locker room when it suddenly hit me ? this man was speaking nonsensical gibberish probably because he was suffering from the side effects of the Girl with the Arm Tattoo's laced cakes. It sucks for him that she didn't deem him worthy enough of the broom closet.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: The Matchmaking Process

Body Burner was really taken aback by our encounter with the Girl with the Armed Tattoo and the ensuing conversation with the Drowned Man.

Body Burner: Wow, you really do see all of these jerks all the time, don't you?

Me: Oh yeah. This is just an average day for me. Weirdos like that guy just seem to find me.

Body Burner: I never thought that going to the gym would be so adventurous.

Sure enough, Body Burner and I once again found ourselves in a strange situation the next time we went to the gym. We walked into the lobby and scanned our IDs. The Girl with the Arm Tattoo greeted us, sans roofied cakes. I was sort of sad that she abandoned her goal of sedating us. She may have been successful if she tried a bit harder. I am trying to lose weight, but she could have coaxed me to try some of her cakes.

The manager of the gym also happened to be at the front desk. He's a cool guy who reads this Web site. He's also my friend on Facebook, which would explain what he said to me once he realized that I was there.

Manager: Hey Walt, I saw you changed your relationship on Facebook! You're in a relationship now?

Me: Yup! That's where I was last week. I was with my new girlfriend.

Manager: Oh, OK. It is a shame that you're in a relationship though.

Me: Wait... why?

Manager: Because she's single.

He pointed to the Girl with the Arm Tattoo, who seemed surprised that he revealed her availability to me. She didn't say anything though, looking a bit bashful.

Manager: She's looking for a guy, you should ask her out.

Me: Well... I have a girlfriend...

Manager: Hey, the Girl with the Arm Tattoo (he used her real name), this guy Walt, he runs a major Web site.

The Girl with the Arm Tattoo: Oh really?

Manager: Yeah, he has a section called Jerks of the Week where he makes fun of people.

The Girl with the Arm Tattoo: I'll have to check it out.

Manager: Yeah, you could find yourself on there some day!

I found this amusing because she was already mentioned in Jerks of the Week, as you can see in the aforementioned link. But nevertheless, it was awkward for both me and her, as well as Body Burner, who just stood to the side, mouth agape in disbelief.

I really didn't know what to do. I wasn't going to ask her out, but I also didn't want to make it seem like I was rejecting her either. She seems nice, so I kept saying, "I'm sorry, I have a girlfriend" and "I'm not available right now." The manager did most of the talking. I said a few things, as specified, while Body Burner and the Girl with the Arm Tattoo were quiet. I wondered what each of them were thinking...

Body Burner:

Ugh, what the hell... The Girl with the Arm Tattoo offered Walt cake the other day, and now the manager is trying to set them up together? I have a girlfriend as well, but I'd still like to feel appreciated. No one even told me how beautiful I looked in my Ray Rice dress the other day during the fantasy draft. I spent so much time making myself look so handsome, yet no one said anything. Not even Walt! You suck, Walt! You can have your cakes, your roofies and your Girl with the Arm Tattoo. Screw you!

Note that I did say that Body Burner did, in fact, look dashing in his Ray Rice jersey. I hope he reads that and is no longer mad at me.

The Girl with the Arm Tattoo:

Ugh, what the hell... why does this Walt guy have a girlfriend? No wonder he didn't want to try any of my roofied cakes. This is going to be more of a challenge than I thought. Hmm... how can I possibly sedate him so I can make him get a matching tattoo, have my way with him in a broom closet, fatten him up and then eat him? Ah! I know! I'm going to find out his address and his girlfriend's address. I'll send him my roofied cakes with his girlfriend's house as the return address. He'll think the roofied cakes are from her, so he'll eat them, and then I can break into his house and drag his body away, so that I can resume my plan. Muhahahaha!!!

Phew... it's a good thing I'm on a diet right now. Otherwise, I'd be in serious danger of falling for the Girl with the Arm Tattoo's master plan.