Open Rants by RichardKPE


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RichardKPE
The Official Ranking of Quarterbacks
Published at 7/5/2016
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The other week, I went to the gym and NFL Network was on.  On the bottom of the screen, they had the ticker listing out the top 100 NFL Players list chosen by the players.  At #92 was Andrew Luck.

ARE YOU F&^@*! KIDDING ME!??!?!?!!!?

If this list is really chosen by the players, then these guys are even dumber than I thought.  I don't need to see the rest of the list.  In fact, I can make my own.  We'll call it the Top 32 QB's List.

A few caveats:

1. I'm breaking it into tiers.  That means I don't care about your griping with my ranking Tony Romo higher than Tom Brady.  They're on the same tier, so they're equivalent for this purpose.

2. I'm only considering the anticipated starter as the roster is currently constructed.  More on this in a second.

3. I don't care that Eli Manning has won two Super Bowls or that Colin Kaepernick had some otherworldly playoff games.  This is the list right now.

4. Similarly, injuries count, but not as much as you'd think (see: Luck, Andrew).  Luck may have missed half of last year, but I'm not ranking him behind Blake Bortles.

5. Rookies may appear on this list if I think they're the projected starter.  (cough Jared Goff)

6. Fantasy Stats don't matter in this ranking.  I expect Eli Manning to put up pretty good numbers, but he's a shitty QB in real life.

7. Tom Brady is considered a starter for this ranking.

And here we go:

Tier 9: Ability only matched by Rickon's zig-zags.

Sam Bradford, Geno Smith, Mark Sanchez, Blaine Gabbert

Any GM going into this season with those guys as a starter might as well Tommen his way off his balcony (Oh, yeah...SPOILER ALERT!!!).  If their lack of talent wasn't enough, there's always the prospect of punching out a teammate and losing your job that way (although Todd Bowles might rethink that after watching Christian Hackenberg).

But hope is not lost.  Carson Wentz, Paxton Lynch and Ryan Fitzpatrick wait in the wings (or free agency in Fitzpatrick's case), but, then again, if Wentz/Lynch/Fitzpatrick are the answers, you probably need to rethink the question.

The mystery in the group is Gabbert since we're not sure if Chip Kelly starts Kaepernick instead.

Tier 8: Pretty as Deadpool's Face

Tyrod Taylor, Robert Griffin III, Jared Goff

Congrats LA.  You get a team back and watch your coach wager the entire future on Jared Goff.

By the way, you think the Browns wouldn't be infinitely better off with LeBron James at QB?  At least they'd sell out their games.

Tier 7: Great! You signed a Franchise QB!  Here' your cyanide pill.

Eli Manning, Ryan Tannehill, Brock Osweiller, Joe Flacco

At least Houston gets a pass for their massive upgrade (that's sad).  Too bad for those other teams though.

At least in Eli's case (he should have to renounce his family name) he has receivers to bail him out so the Giants might not be so terrible.  Tannehill is basically a homeless man's Alex Smith (not a compliment), and Flacco's contract single handedly kills Baltimore.

By the way, I've shot through the bottom 3 tiers and already listed all the non-Brady AFC East QB's.  You really think it matters if Brady misses 4 games?

Tier 6: Clawing with their fingernails for that inch

Matthew Stafford, Jay Cutler, Teddy Bridgewater, Marcus Mariota, Alex Smith

It's tough watching these guys because while they have tons of talent, they seem to be held back.  Take Alex Smith.  This guy played incredible for the entire second half of last year, carried a horrific offense in San Francisco to the NFC title game, endured a revolving door of OC's his entire career, never had a decent offensive weapon until Jamaal Charles, and, if that wasn't enough, he got to endure the Mike Singletary era in San Francisco.  This is how the NFL has treated a #1 overall pick!

And don't get me started on Stafford.  That guy could have been the hero of the new Independence Day movie.  They should have just had him stand on the ground and throw footballs at the Alien ships.  Of course he might miss the ship entirely, but either way, the movie ends in 20 minutes.

Tier 5:  Better than Stolen Crab Legs

Jameis Winston, Derek Carr, Kirk Cousins, Blake Bortles, Andy Dalton

All of these guys killed it for their respective teams last year and could easily move higher on this list.  This is the tier where I suffer from "recency bias" as none of them have sustained levels of success.  Unlike these guys:

Tier 4: The Oberyn Martel's.  Just try not to think about it too much.

Matt Ryan, Philip Rivers, Carson Palmer

They might be old, declining, and hated by their fans, but you can win a Super Bowl with all of them if the right pieces are in place.

Tier 3: Your Lack of Faith Disturbes Me

Drew Brees, Tony Romo, Russell Wilson, Tom Brady

All of them can make you a playoff lock with a roster that resembles competency (sorry Brees), but all have flaws.

Romo is the flip side of the Andrew Luck argument.  Last we saw him, he was the #2 QB in the league demolishing everyone in his path, but we're not sure if he can still walk.  Wilson seems to be missing the offensive command of Brady.  Brees makes a few boneheaded decisions that make you think he's not that good.  Brady has morphed into a checkdown master.

I'll take any of these guys on my team, but they're not as good as you think.

Tier 2: The Plaque for the Alternates is Down in the Ladies Room

Andrew Luck, Ben Roethlisberger, Cam Newton

First, a few thoughts on Andrew Luck's new contract:

1. If there was no salary cap, Luck would easily have gotten $75 million per year.  The next time anyone foolishly says he's making too much money, remind them that Luck's salary is artificially lowered because the players got fleeced in the last CBA.

2. Imagine if Indianapolis waited until next year without having the leverage of Luck being under contract for a below market rate.  He'd have gotten a ton more.

3. Some people on the radio here think it's crazy that Luck is getting paid for ability rather than performance.  This is total nonsense because EVERYONE IN THE WORLD is paid based on potential.  When you get a new job, your offer is based on what you potentially bring to the table.  If your employer said to you: "we're paying you less than market rate because you haven't proved your value yet," you would never work there.  In fact, when NFL players get paid based on past performance (cough: Flacco), their team usually goes into the toilet as a result.

Honestly, there isn't a real flaw in any of them.  All of them have the skills to carry their teams to a Super Bowl, and only one of them isn't forced to. 

They're just not at another guy's level...

Tier 9: The Arya Stark

Aaron Rodgers

Instead of asking how good this guy is, what do you think the floor is on an Aaron Rodgers led team?  Put him on a terrible team for 16 games, and how many to they win? 8?  I mean, if he was on the Browns, you'd pick them to be in the playoffs!!!

Anyways, that's the official list.  Any gripes, and I'll give you a full refund.



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