Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009

Jerks of the Week for Aug. 10, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Jolly Ranchers

When I was a kid, I used to always go to my grandparents' house. My grandparents had a tin can full of Jolly Ranchers stashed in their closet. When they weren't looking, I would raid the can and steal tons of candies. I always made sure I pilfered as many cherries and lemons as possible; they were easily my favorites, with watermelon a close third.

(Side note: You should not be surprised that at the age of 18, I went to the dentist and discovered that I had 17 cavities in one visit. I'm not making this up.)

Let's flash forward to September 2004. It was an overcast Saturday afternoon at Penn State. I was a fifth-year senior who had just got back from lifting weights. Naturally, I bought a bag of Jolly Ranchers at the convenience store next to the gym.

When I took the bag of Jolly Ranchers out of my bag, I noticed something was wrong. They listed the flavors as: cherry, watermelon, apple, grape and blue raspberry.

"Blue raspberry? What the f*** is blue raspberry?" I yelled out loud. I opened the bag to confirm, and sure enough, there were no lemons in there. Completely furious, I decided to try the blue raspberry flavor. Five seconds later, I spit the candy into the garbage can.

This was one of the darkest days of my life. How dare Jolly Ranchers take lemon away? Believe it or not, but orange, strawberry and peach used to be original flavors as well, but they moved all three of them into the passion fruit bag. Yet, lemon does not exist anywhere! What's more infuriating is that there's a raspberry flavor in the passion fruit bag, despite the fact that blue raspberry is currently in the original bag. Why didn't they just replace raspberry with lemon!?!? Argh!!!

I don't know about you, but I think this is complete bulls***. I've done everything in my power to bring back lemon Jolly Ranchers. I've visited the Jolly Ranchers Web site. I've launched protests. I've boycotted buying Jolly Ranchers. Nothing has worked, and I'm starting to think that nothing ever will.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Me (When I Rant About Jolly Ranchers)

I feel really sorry for RepublicanSexKitten. She's a hot lawyer friend of mine I met at Penn State and a proud member of the WalterFootball.com forums.

For whatever reason, when I get drunk, I always feel the need to send her completely incoherent and horribly misspelled e-mails about suing Jolly Ranchers for taking the lemon flavor away from me.

RepublicanSexKitten doesn't take me seriously. "They'll charge me with a frivolous lawsuit," she says.

Frivolous, my a**. Jerk of the Week Entry No. 1 perfectly depicts how distraught I am over this. If I claim that I can't sleep or eat, I'm sure I'll be offered millions from the evil people at the Jolly Ranchers headquarters. But rest assured, I'm not all about the money; in fact, I'll let them keep the money if they promise to place lemon Jolly Ranchers back into their bags and eliminate the abomination known as blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers.

Now, I know you're wondering what sort of drunken and terribly misspelled e-mails I send to RepublicanSexKitten. Here are three examples:

May 2009: And by the way I reewwaalllllyyyy want Jolly ranchrers to change their fifth flvor from Blue Rasperry to Lemon. I want this more than almost anything. Upu have no idea how passionate I am about this. I've gone on a Jolyl Rancher strike because of this change. I will not buy any more Jolly Ranchers until they change it back. I am pretty distubred individual, can't you say that I cna't sleep because of this? I think you could and I think you'd make millions off of defending such a dumba** like me. I think you need to consider defending me in cort.

June 2009: I should also be able to sue Jolly Rancher. I just had a pink lemonade Jolly Rancher looolipopo the other day, and it was awesome. Now, imagine if they had lemon-flaovred Jolyl Ranchers. Oh no, wait they did, and now it's blue rspabnerry onstead. What a terrible choice. They arlrweady had raspberry in their "passion fruit" bag and now they have blue raspbery in their "classic" flavors, even though i'ts not classic AND it's not even a rela flavor! Y[u've honestly sen how craay i'm about rhis a ndyou know I am so distrubed hat I can't sleep or eat or ficntuona propertly without lemon jolly ranchers anyomore. I seriously think we can habve a class-action laauwusuit here and if we win we wi ll bea ble to take over the world. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

July 2009: I still want to sue Jolly Ranchers. Those bastards took Lemon away and they will have to pay one day. Seriously. you know how super seiral I am about this with you. i emailed you about this or texered you about thirs like 10 times in the pst month. I am pissed that they got rid of lemon Jolly Ranchers, and I will not sleep or eat - OK I'm fat so I'll eat- but I'll not sleep until they put lemon jolly ranchers back in the bag. I will seriously pay like $100 for the oppirunity to buy lemon jolly ranchers but they do not give me the oppurnity to buy Lemon Jolly Ranchers. If High Overlod Barack Obama is all about giving oporutnities, why does he not give lemon jolly ranchers the oppirunity to be available to people to consume them? It's only fari.

OK and now I just realizedd I wrote a whole paragraph on Lemon Jolly Ranchers and that was just silly. Wlel not really beause I'm super serial but you'll probably think it's super seial.

Hey, I'm serious about my cause. No wait. I'm "super seial" about my cause.

It's come at the cost of me making my own Jerk of the Week list, but so be it. I'm fighting the good fight, so Jolly Ranchers, expect to see me in court once RepublicanSexKitten realizes how lucrative this lawsuit can be.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids

A few weeks ago, I mentioned my Evil Neighbor's Kid as a Jerk of the Week. Click on the link to read about it, but if you want a quick summary, my Vietnamese neighbor's kid revealed that his dad doesn't pay any taxes to the woman across the street, who happens to be an IRS employee.

I then compared the neighbor to an evil super villain who doesn't pay any taxes, and his kid to an incompetent henchman who always screws everything up for his master.

Well, if not paying taxes was bad enough, this family is now guilty of vandalism and other misdemeanors. It started with the two Vietnamese kids throwing basketballs at cars driving by. Then, a few days ago, they somehow managed to break a FIRE HYDRANT with random bricks laying on the ground. I kid you not - I even have pictures to prove it:


This fire hydrant has been laying on the ground like this for six days. Once someone discovers this, the taxpayers will have to pay for it. That includes everyone except the jerks who actually broke it. By the way, the cone is a nice, evil touch.


It was my Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids, in the cul-de-sac, with the pile of bricks.

In addition to not paying their taxes, this evil family is making everyone else pay more taxes for the stuff they're breaking. I might be alone here, but I'm actually beginning to believe that this is part of their plan to destroy America. Consider the following possible conversation they may have had at the dinner table:

Evil Neighbor: Muhahaha, we are not paying taxes and thus are quickly destroying this country. Hark, we need to hasten this process. I would like to entertain all suggestions.

Evil Neighbor's Kid No. 1: Buhahaha... I've been pestering these Americans with all of my questions to distract them. I've also been throwing basketballs at cars. These Americans will have to spend money repair their cars in addition to paying more taxes. Buhahaha!

Evil Neighbor: Muahahaha!!!

Evil Neighbor's Kid No. 2: Tee-hee-hee, there is a fire hydrant outside! We will use the bricks we've randomly placed on the sidewalk to destroy the fire hydrant! Then, these stupid Americans will have to pay taxes to repair it, while we idly sit by and laugh! Tee-hee-hee!

Evil Neighbor: Muahahaha, brilliant! My evil plan is coming to fruition! Soon, the entire country of America will be bankrupt, and only I will have money! These fools will bow before me! Muahahaha!

Evil Neighbor's Kid No. 1: Buhahaha!

Evil Neighbor's Kid No. 2: Tee-hee-hee!!!!!!!

Evil Neighbor: Muhahahahaha!!!

Note that this is only a slight exaggeration of what might be going inside their house. Nevertheless, it seems as though our country is doomed. I never thought I'd say this, but only the IRS can save us now.