Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009

Jerks of the Week for Aug. 24, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: I'm Not Your Friend Kid

I went swimming the other day to burn off my thousands of pounds. When I was done, I went to the locker room to get changed. To my chagrin, the locker room was flooded with dozens of little kids who were there for day camp.

As an aside, my gym provides quite possibly the worst day-camp service ever. Why? Because the freaking pool (which has old-people skin floating in it) is indoors. What sort of parents send their kids to a summer camp with an indoor pool? Do they have their kid's birthday party at a dentist's office? These people are douche bags. I'm confident that nine out of 10 of these kids will grow up to become serial killers because they were forced to swim in an indoor pool at summer camp.

Anyway, as I was putting on my shoes, I noticed one kid run up to another and hit him with his goggles. The kid with the goggles then exclaimed, "You're not my friend!" Pretty random.

I then got to thinking how strange it would be if people ran around telling others, "You're not my friend!" There would be complete chaos. Imagine these following scenarios:

1. You're in a college and you worked really hard on a research paper. You were up for several nights trying to get this thing done. As Emmitt would say, "You put blood, sweat and cry into the resurge papers." Unfortunately, when you get it back, you find the following note from your professor atop your paper: "You're not my friend. F."

2. You're at a restaurant. You order spaghetti. Once the waitress brings out your food, you notice a giant turd in the middle of your pasta. You ask the waitress what the meaning of this is. She says, "You're not my friend so I pooped on your spaghetti."

3. Your favorite football team signs a sick scumbag who electrocuted, hanged and drowned hundreds of dogs. As protestors rally outside the stadium, the money-hungry owner hoses down everyone. He then takes a megaphone and shouts, "I signed this guy because you're not my friends!"

4. A bum asks you for change. Instead you light the bum on fire. As he's rolling around on the ground trying to put the flames out, you say, "Sorry man, you're not my friend."

As you can tell, the world would be a better place if we were all friends. Maybe that crazy old man John McCain was on to something.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Konami

Anyone who used to play old Nintendo games knows how awesome Konami is. Konami is the company that brought us Castlevania, Castlevania 2, Castlevania 3, Contra and Silent Hill - easily five of the best video games of all time.

Someone sent me a link to a preview of a new Castlevania game that's coming out. If you're unfamiliar with the series, it's about a bada** vampire hunter named Simon Belmont who walks around killing monsters like vampires, Frankenstein, Medusa and the Grim Reaper (unbeatable in Castlevania 1) with his whip. When I was a kid, I wanted to be Simon Belmont when I grew up. Unfortunately, the government doesn't take too kindly to real-life vampire hunters who whip vampires, emo people and artsy-fartsy douche bags who live in urban areas. Stupid government.

Unfortunately, what I read really troubled me. Konami, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to strip this new game of: whips, candles (where you get your weapons) and... get this... VAMPIRES!

Let me make this clear: This game will be a vampire hunter who won't hunt a single vampire. What's he going to do, go to a town hall and rant about health care? Can he whip people who get too rowdy?

Seriously, how stupid can they get? This is like making a new Super Mario game where Mario eats broccoli to grow bigger, or takes a cab to get to another level instead of going down a green pipe.

I used to play video games a lot when I was a kid. Now, I seldom do. Things just have gotten dumb and complicated. Playing a 2D side-scroller, and jumping on brown mushrooms and turtles was so simple and fun. Now, Mario and other games are in 3D and have consequently become very difficult. I can barely handle three dimensions in real life, and now I have to do so in a video game? Why not just make me do calculus in between levels?

To Konami, Nintendo and other video game companies: I will not buy your overly complicated and nonsensical video games. You can take your 3D graphics and shove it up your a**es. I'll stick to jumping on brown mushrooms and turtles, thanks.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Mexicans in West Chester

My friend Tom works at a Domino's pizza in West Chester. He told me a story about the Mexicans who come into his workplace. I found it very entertaining, and with his permission, I'll share it with you.

The following are a bunch of IMs Tom sent me the other day. I put them into paragraphs to make it flow better:

Your Little Caesars story reminds me of like half of our customers.

We have tons of Mexicans, and they always order Hawaiian pizzas. EVERY ONE of them pronounce it, "Ha-why-ahn-a." It's like, where are you getting the extra syllable?

Sometimes, they just walk up to the counter and ask, "Habla Espanol?" I'm like, "Oh God not again." I say, "un poco," and struggle to take their order. I figure just type in Ha-why-ahn-a pizza and hot wings, and they'll be happy. It's just not a matter of getting their order right; it's a matter how many Ha-why-ahn-a pizzas and wings they want.

They also get the words "anything" and "everything" mixed up. I'll be like, "anything else?" And they say, "Yes." The first few times, I asked what else they would like, and they reply, "Oh no no no..."

Now, I've caught on. I'll be like, "anything else?" They say yes, and I just tell them how much their meal is. Works every time.

And I thought my encounter with the Mexican at Taco Bell was strange. Maybe he was just looking into my bag because he was confused that I didn't order a Ha-why-ahn-a pizza and hot wings. That could also explain why he gave the cashier $14 when he was due $12 and change... no wait, it can't.