Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009

Jerks of the Week for Sept. 14, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Terrelle Pryor

If you don't follow college football and aren't familiar with Terrelle Pryor, he's the starting quarterback for Ohio State. Pryor drew some attention two weekends ago when he wore a patch that said "VICK" under his left eye in a game against Navy.

I thought this was incredibly stupid on Pryor's part. I don't see why anyone would support a deranged psychopath who should be locked up in a mental facility. But I wasn't going to bash Pryor for it on the site; after all, Pryor is a dumb, na?ve kid who doesn't know any better.

What I will bash Pryor for are the comments he made after the game when reporters asked him about his QB Dog Killer patch.

"I just feel he made his mistake, and I think he just needs more support," Pryor said. "Not everybody is the perfect person in the world. Everyone does -- kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me. I just feel that people need to give him a chance."

So, while other college kids are partying, playing video games, downloading porn and updating their Facebook page in their spare time, Mr. Pryor is out killing people and stealing because everyone else is doing it? I hope he doesn't kill or steal from me for making fun of him in this Jerks of the Week entry!

All I have to say is, it's a great thing Pryor is playing football and not attempting to enter the judicial system. Can you imagine Pryor as a judge?

Situation 1:

Defense Attorney: Your honor, this man, Donnie Stillworth, just ran over a person because he was driving drunk. I'd like to send him to prison.

Pryor: Nonsense! Everyone drives drunk and runs over people! Stop wasting my time!

Situation 2:

Defense Attorney: Your honor, this next man, Bernie Cheeseburger, allegedly sexually assaulted a woman, and unlike the crazy psychopath in the Ben Roethlisberger trial, this woman is pressing criminal charges. I'd like to send Cheeseburger to prison for 30 years.

Pryor: No, no, no, that's too harsh. Every male sexually assaults females. I'd like to give the opportunity for Mr. Cheeseburger to roll a pair of dice. If he rolls doubles, he gets out for free, but if he fails to do so three times, he must pay $50 to Free Parking.

Situation 3:

Defense Attorney: Your honor, I bring to you a man named Rob Canada. He killed hundreds of dogs. He drowned them in his pool, electrocuted them with jumper cables and hanged some from trees in his backyard. I demand that we put this scumbag away for at least 10 years and then give him mental counseling.

Pryor: Ha! I think not, Defense Attorney. In fact, it is you who shall be put away for 10 years. Everyone murders and steals, but no one annoys the Honorable Terrelle Pryor! Guards take this fiend away!

Like I said, thank God that Pryor is not attempting to become a judge.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: PETA

I've made it known how I feel about the QB Dog Killer situation over the past few months. Sometimes when I voice my opinion about it, people ask me, "How can you side with those PETA a**holes?"

Simple - I don't. I can't stand PETA.

PETA really frustrates me to no end because their overall cause can be honorable. Animals don't have rights, so someone needs to make sure there aren't sick bastards like QB Dog Killer drowning them in pools and electrocuting them with jumper cables.

What PETA does incredibly wrong is fail to pick the right fights. For example, there were some PETA douche bags who were pissed that Barack Obama swatted a fly at a press conference.

This completely destroyed PETA's credibility. Seriously, it's a f***ing fly, idiots. It flies around, annoys people, lands on your food and then dies in a day. It serves no purpose but to aggravate people. It has no emotions. It does not think. It has so conscience. It just flies around and acts on instinct if it feels like someone is going swat it. It's a tiny black piece of crap, and the world would actually be a better place if it died.

Things like this are what make people turn against PETA. It makes PETA look like an irrational extremist organization no better than the psychopaths who hang dogs.

PETA needs to cut this bulls**t out and get behind actual good causes. If there's a scumbag who drowns dogs, go after him. If there is a President who tries to swat a fly on national TV, shut the f*** up. No one wants to hear it - and maybe people will actually listen to you once you get behind a good cause.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Subway Patrons

I went to Subway two hours before the Steelers-Titans game. This particular Subway is usually empty, so I was surprised to see that there were other customers in there. Little did I know that these people would make me wait for 20 minutes until I was able to get my meal.

When I walked into the Subway, there were two other customers. The guy in front of the line looked like Carl Winslow, only he had glasses on. The dude standing in front of me was the perfect stereotype of an emo kid. He was even tilting his head back every 30 seconds to get his hair out of his eyes, much like the South Park characters. I was highly amused.

I stared at the menu and finally decided what I wanted. Then, I looked around. Then, I stared at the menu again. Then, I looked around so more. Finally, I wondered what was taking so long. It turns out that Carl Winslow Glasses Man was ordering like a billion things. Seriously, I saw him get six hoagies, a few salads, a couple of bags of chips and some cookies - and these items were the ones I saw. He probably ordered other stuff too.

This was unbelievable. I've never seen this much food ordered in one place. Even the fat guy at Taco Bell would have been impressed. I felt sorry for the acne-laden Indian chick behind the counter who was frantically trying to get his orders correct. On one occasion, she put some cheese on the wrong bread, and he shouted at her. I would have said something, but then he would have eaten me instead of the Subway food.

As this was going on, a chick walked in. She was wearing heels, so her already nice a** looked even better. I was very intrigued until I saw a huge mole on her left cheek. Suddenly, I wasn't so hungry anymore.

Despite the hideous blemish on her face, Mole Girl pretty much had her nose in the air and seemed like she thought she was better than everyone. She opened the beverage fridge and took out an apple juice. Then, Mole Girl proceeded to the register, cut in front of all three people in line and placed her drink on the counter.

Once Mole Girl noticed that the Indian chick wasn't going to run over to her and take her $1.50 for the apple juice, she scowled and looked very displeased. Fortunately for her, Carl Winslow Glasses Man was too busy salivating over his food to notice this.

Eventually, Mole Girl gave up. She walked behind me and sat down at one of the tables. I turned around and said, "If that's all you're getting, you can go in front of me." Hey, I was just trying to get a good view of her rear end.

Instead of accepting my offer, she gave me a disgusted look and said nothing. About 15 seconds later, she got up, put her apple juice back into the fridge and stormed out of the Subway. Goodbye, Mole Girl. Maybe I'll see your outstanding a** and hideous mole again someday.

Meanwhile, Carl Winslow Glasses Man finally finished ordering. Believe it or not, his total was $74.94! The Indian chick had to put his food into four separate bags. He walked out of the Subway looking rather pleased with himself. Hopefully he enjoyed his five dinners that night.

Thankfully, emo kid was pretty quick. Of course, he called his order a "12-inch sub" instead of a "Footlong." As an emo kid, you don't want to be conformist!

I was finally able to order. I got a chicken parmesan Footlong, a bag of chips and two bottles of Coke. Before I was about to pay, I asked the Indian chick if I could get three peanut butter cookies. I love Subway's peanut butter cookies. Nom nom nom.

Unfortunately, the Indian chick had this to say: "Sorry, we only have one peanut butter cookie left. That big guy bought the rest of them."

Damn you, Carl Winslow Glasses Man! I'd say he should be punished for stealing my peanut butter cookies, but as Terrelle Pryor said, "Everyone steals."