Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009

Jerks of the Week for Dec. 14, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: University of Kansas

If you don't follow college football - and because there's no legit champion, I can't blame you if you don't - the University of Kansas fired its head coach Mark Mangino.

This surprised me at first because Mangino had a 25-13 record with the Jayhawks the three years. Based on his physique (see picture below) I assumed it was health-related. In fact, I was really scared for the guy; considering that he devours dozens of live animals every night, I figured his cholesterol had to be through the roof.

However, that wasn't the case. Well, his cholesterol could be higher than his credit score, but I'm referring to his health issues. News broke that Mangino was fired because he allegedly verbally and physically abused his players. He allegedly also abused some of the campus staff over parking tickets. I guess when you're 800 pounds, you're not entitled to park anywhere you want.

My issue with Kansas wasn't his firing; Mangino deserved to be axed. When 300-pound football players are afraid that their coach might accidentally or purposely eat them, it's usually not good for team morale.

Here's why the University of Kansas is one of my Jerks of the Week - it's because they took so long to fire Mangino. Mangino is a really bad guy, and it dates way back before he was even hired. In fact, the exact date that all the trouble began was June 23, 1991.

On that date, Mangino made it clear that his goal was to conquer the world and create his ultimate utopia. To do this, Mangino captured cute, tiny animals. He ate some of them, but entrapped the rest into robotic monstrosities to help carry out his plan. He also scattered thousands of golden rings and six emeralds across the lands.

Fortunately for humanity, a blue hedgehog has continuously saved us from Mangino. This selfless blue hedgehog has traveled the globe, traversing through crappy places like Green Hill Zone, Marble Zone, Scrap Brain Zone and the ultra-annoying Labyrinth Zone just to stop the evil Mangino.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I've exposed Mangino's true identity. He's obviously Dr. Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog. Take a look if you don't believe me:



How could Kansas hire a scumbag like this and keep him around for so long? Mangino's plan was obviously to capture the team's players and turn them into robots, just like he did with those poor animals.

Let's just all praise our lord and savior Tim Tebow that the University of Kansas realized how evil Mangino was and got rid of him before it was too late.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Congress Supporters

Great news - we're one step closer to college football becoming a legitimate sport.

On Wednesday, Congress approved legislation aimed at forcing communistic NCAA football to institute a playoff system to determine a valid national championship for the first time in its existence.

I thought this was great news. If it wasn't 15 degrees outside every day here in Philly, I would have stripped naked and streaked through the streets to celebrate this momentous occasion. I can't think of anything more exciting than pubeless boys participating in a legitimate 8- or 16-game playoff system (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Think about it - if there's a 16-team playoff, you can fill out brackets in your office, and not do any work while you watch one of your final four predictions burst in flames in the first round. Companies would lose even more money than they do during March Madness. It would be glorious.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who don't think Congress is doing the right thing. Some of the arguments include, "Congress should be spending time fixing our national debt," or "Congress should worry about the war in Iraq," or "Congress should fix our healthcare bill."

Even a member of Congress didn't even like it. Crooked politician John Barrow echoed the sentiments above, "With all due respect, I really think we have more important things to spend our time on."

Ohhh, really, Mr. Barrow? You're so above college sports that you don't have time to fix something so simple? You're so busy that you don't have any time to deal with this? Where were you when congress was investigating steroids in baseball? Was that not a waste of time? Call me crazy, but if grown men want to inject stuff into their anuses, that should be their business. Not yours.

Oh, and Mr. Barrow, where were you when complete imbecile Corrine Brown went on a diatribe about the Florida "Gatas" during your work hours? If you haven't seen Corrine's embarrassing performance, check it out for yourselves (and try not to laugh too hard if you're at work or at "schoo"): Corrine Brown - Go Gata!

Why didn't Mr. Barrow complain back then? Why didn't he stand up during Corrine's incoherent speech and yell, "This is a waste of time - can we get to more pressing matters?"

My guess is that the crooked Mr. Barrow is pocketing money along with the communistic NCAA presidents, but I have no proof of that.

What I have proof of, however, is that Congress sucks. They don't get anything done ever. They can't fix our healthcare problems, they can't end this war in Iraq and they can't repair our national debt because they're either complete morons like "Gentlewoman" Corrine Brown or corrupt crooks like Mr. Barrow.

To people who think Congress should not bother with an NCAA playoff: I hope I have been CLEAYA that those idiots can't get anything important done, so let's just hope they force the NCAA a**hole presidents into having a playoff.

If they somehow manage to do that, I definitely won't hesitate to "gradulate" them on their "flawrless" victory.

I yield back my time.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Communist Kids and Me

Oompa Loompa is at it again!

About a month ago, I complained that the director of my gym, a guy my friends call "Oompa Loompa," rents out the basketball courts too often on Saturdays, the only day I have time to play basketball.

We were recently informed that the courts would be closing at 4 p.m. because of a 3-month-long rental. Oompa Loompa told us that they offered too much money for him to turn down. I would have asked Oompa Loompa why he couldn't perform some of his dark magic and make gold coins appear out of thin air, but I didn't want to lose my membership.

We expected the rental to be for weird Mongolian soccer players again. Unfortunately, it was the only thing worse - children's soccer.

There were hundreds of Swine Flu-carrying little communists running around playing stupid soccer. It was terrible. There weren't any hot older sisters for me to hit on. It was just fat mothers, beer-belly mustached fathers and 10-year-old communists.

** Note: If you're not following, these kids are communists because they're playing an un-American sport. Being an introverted xenophobe, I call all soccer players communists. If you have a problem with that, too bad; it's my Web site and I can do whatever I please. **

After swimming for a bit, I walked into the lobby to talk to my friends. As we were discussing something, we noticed a group of 10-year-old kids rattling this vending machine. Apparently, one of the kids bought a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup that was stuck in one of the coils. These communist kids kept shaking the machine, but the Reese's just wouldn't fall out.

Eventually, the loud noise they were making annoyed the hell out of us. My friend Harris alerted them that the police would come and arrest them, but this ploy didn't work because they were aware of juvenile hall. My friend Dale then warned them that the machine could fall on them and hurt them. This caused one of the communists to stop, but the fat kid in the group seemed more determined than ever. "ME WANT TO EAT REESE'S," he continuously groaned.

This went on for about another minute when a brilliant idea entered my head. I smiled and calmly told the guys, "You know, there is an upside to this. If they break that machine, they might cancel their soccer rental forever, and we'll be able to play basketball as long as we please."

That did the trick. Apparently, playing soccer was more important to these commie bastards than the Reese's - and yes, even to the fat kid. Hearing my words, the kids scurried away, and everyone either laughed or nodded their head in approval. My friend Larry even called me "Ebenezer Scrooge." It was my finest hour.

Oh, and for good measure, I put 85 cents into the machine and got two Reese's for the price of one. Muhahahaha! And I'm eating them right now! NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!