Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009

Jerks of the Week for Dec. 28, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Corrine Brown

I talked about Congress two weeks ago. I argued that they should concentrate on forcing college football to adopt a playoff system because they don't accomplish anything anyway.

Well, it's been two weeks now, and Congress hasn't done a damn thing about that sham of a sport. I can't say I'm surprised though. Once again, this is one of the members of Congress:

Congresswoman Corrine Brown - A Complete Imbecile and an Embarrassment to America.

Here are my 10 favorite Corrine Brown quotes from that video and my thoughts on each (in chronological order):

1. "I rise today to congratulate MY University of Florida football team for winnin' its second NCAA BS-BCS Championship Bowl. Game in the last three season. GO GATA!"

I could see Emmitt sitting at home, watching this and thinking, "Yes, this women is making a lot of very sense right now."

2. "I want to gradulate the Universseea Flora."

For those of you scoring at home, "gradulate" is the lazy form of "congratulate."

3. "The Gata once again came back to prove that the University of Florida season was no fluke."

Meanwhile, a grammatically correct sentence from Corrine Brown would definitely be a fluke.

4. "Congratulations to the players and outstanding Corch Irvin Meyers for corching a remarkable group of guys."

Corching must be a very difficult profession.

5. "Tim Tivo ... was flawless in the fourth quarter alone."

I would like Miss Corrine Brown to explain why Tim "Tivo" was alone in the fourth quarter. Or is she saying that he, alone, was flawless in the fourth quarter? I'm not getting this, but I'm not going to think too hard about it.

6. "It is malice the most the presha that he was unda."

I've been working on this one for hours, and I still can't figure out what Miss Brown was attempting to say.

7. "Percy Harvey, who gusty play won him the game ball."

Who is Percy Harvey, and what is a gusty play? Were there extreme weather conditions we didn't know about?

8. "I hate to say it, that everything is just not all equal."

If you hate to say it, maybe you shouldn't say it, moron.

9. "We wanna encourage all of ouwa kids to participate in sports and activities because we know that it build charactera."

Looks like Miss Corrine Brown never participated in any academic activities while in school.

10. "One... two, three, four, five... then the Gatas don't take no jive!"

What the Gators do take are complete idiots who have no grasp of the English language.

All right, all right, I brought this up two weeks ago. Am I just trashing Congresswoman Corrine Brown for humiliating our country with her irrelevant rant?

Absolutely not - I have more!

Corrine Brown abuses her power during a tropical storm.

"My roof cave in. The warter come into my place!" Oh noez!

But this is more than just grammar - while everyone had flooding problems, and according to Miss Corrine Brown, her neighbor had some sort of biological spill (Resident Evil, anyone?), Congresswoman Brown was the only person to receive any sort of help from the government.

Now, I'd be a hypocrite if I'd tell you that I wouldn't call any favors in either, but this is way different.

Corrine Brown is a democrat. Her party's prime belief is the distribution of wealth and equal opportunities for everyone. She abused her power and received help while her neighbors had biological spills. That's completely hypocritical!

According to Corrine's party and supposed beliefs, she should have sent those other workers to help those less fortunate than her. Sounds like that dude who had a biological spill needs more help. Shouldn't those workers help him out instead of some high and mighty Congresswoman?

I can't say I'm surprised by this. All politicians talk about their beliefs and their plans, but when they're are actually affected by something, they show their true face. And if you need more proof, just look at all of the government officials who cheat on their taxes.

Just like most politicians, Corrine Brown is a crook, a fraud and a hypocrite. What separates her from the rest is that she speaks English like some Dallas Cowboys football player.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Strength of Schedule Man

Over the years, I've gotten lots of hate mail. Luckily, I've received more positive e-mails than hate mails. Most of my inbox and Facebook posts are from people asking questions about fantasy football or the NFL Draft.

About 10 days ago, I had the most annoying exchange with an e-mailer that I can ever remember. Here are the contents of our e-mails.


Strength of Schedule Man:

Look...if you're going to run a website like this, you seriously need to understand how NFL draft order is determined. It's pretty simple logic. If team A and team B have equivalent records, the tiebreaker is strength of schedule. If team A lost to worse teams than team B did, then it makes sense that team A was the worst team in the league and thus they get the 1st draft pick. It's not really that difficult to ADD the records of all of the teams on Team A and B's schedules. Did you pass 1st grade math?

As of the end of week 14, the Rams opponents over the entire season had a record of 114-94 whereas the Bucs opponents had a record of 117-91. The Bucs have been losing to "better" teams, making the Rams the worst team in the league. Is this really that difficult to understand? You put so much effort(I'm assuming) into the projections and analysis of team needs and draft talent, but something so simple as an addition problem is a wrench in the gears? Really? Come on man...


Me:

Thanks for the e-mail. I really appreciate you taking the time.

You should re-check your numbers. Coming into this week's games, the Rams' opponents have just 94 victories this year, so I'm not really sure where you got 114 from.

You can check the NFL Strength of Schedule here.

http://draftdebacled.com/teams_nfl.aspx Thanks,

Walt


Strength of Schedule Man:

Seattle 5-8 Washington 4-9 GB 9-4 SF 6-7 MIN 11-2 JAX 7-6 IND 13-0 DET 2-11 NO 13-0 AZ 8-5 SEA 5-8 CHI 5-8 TEN 6-7 HOU 6-7 AZ 8-5 SF 6-7

5+4+9+6+11+7+13+2+13+8+5+5+6+6+8+6=114

13 games *16 teams = 208 games...208-114 = 94 losses


Me:

They've only played the 49ers and Cardinals once thus far. Those games haven't happened yet.


Strength of Schedule Man:

Were the remaining games going to magically disappear from their schedule? I have a degree in applied mathematics. Questioning my math is generally an exercise in futility.


My Thoughts:

Doubtful. I don't even think he slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night.


Strength of Schedule Man:

By ignoring the remaining 3 games, you're allowing for possible changes in SOS of 48-0 to 0-48. Given the current record of the 3 remaining Rams opponents (20-19), and the fact that there are only 3 games left to play each, the maximum possible change for those 3 games is 9 W or 9 L. By not including the current W/L records of those 3 remaining teams, you're allowing for impossible data. By including the W/L records of those 3 remaining teams, you're narrowing down the possible SOS values to a range much closer to it's eventual actual value.


My Thoughts:

Remember that South Park episode about the motorcycle riders? "Blehblehblehblehblehblehblehblehbleh!!!"


Me:

I'm not talking about potential change of the W/L records of those three opponents; I'm talking about a potential change for the Rams' win total. You're making this out to be about mathematics, but it's not. I took a number of math courses myself when I was a computer science major, but that doesn't matter here. This is all about logic.


Strength of Schedule Man:

You're straying from the point of my original message. i was criticizing your incorrect draft order on your site. you can speculate all you want about the potential but that's all it will ever be until actual data is had. if you're going to create a mock draft, your mock draft order should be based upon current data. the fact of the matter is that logic is a prerequisite for mathematical aptitude. see Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences...logic and mathematics go hand in hand. you can obstinately ignore my advice if you like, but it's only going to perpetuate an inaccurate mock draft order.


My Thoughts:

This man may not be a math genius, but he's certainly an expert at looking on Wikipedia and finding math theories!


Me:

Thank you for making my point for me with the following sentence: if you're going to create a mock draft, your mock draft order should be based upon current data. I'm using an accurate draft order because I'm relying on the current SOS and schedule.


My Thoughts:

In other words, "Pwned."


Strength of Schedule Man:

Right, current data includes ALL GAMES PLAYED TO DATE, including the records of upcoming opponents. Ignoring their record makes your SOS calculations less accurate.

The data that isn't "current" would be the outcomes of the remaining games on the schedule and that's all that needs to be updated.

It's too bad you're both wrong and illogical.


My Thoughts:

In other words, he's saying, "I'm going to start calling you names and keep insulting you because my brain is so big muhahaha."


Me:

There's no need for name-calling or accusations here. It makes me question your alleged mathematics credentials.

Current data includes "ALL GAMES PLAYED TO DATE," as you said. Why then, would I include the W-L records of opponents each team hasn't played yet? It really doesn't make any sense at all.


Strength of Schedule Man:

I'm not trying to insult you, I'm simply calling it as I see it. Ignoring available data is illogical in this regard.

We can both agree that the concept of SOS is an "end of season" figure as it is not used until the end of the season and it's unable to be fully calculated until the end of the season. A mid season SOS ought to be the most accurate approximation of the end of year SOS and so when attempting to model a mid season SOS, one needs to take the vantage point of the end of the season. Given that the end of season figure INCLUDES the records of all 16 opponents, so should the mid season approximation of the SOS.


Me:

They didn't play those games yet.

Let's take your midseason SOS argument. Let's say Team X played its first eight games against teams with losing records, but has its final eight games against teams with winning records. Thus, their current SOS might be 35% but their end-of-season SOS might be 54% once you factor in those eight winning teams.

If you're at the halfway point of the season, do you look at Team X and say, "They're 6-2 and they've played a semi-tough schedule. Their SOS is at 54%?"

No, because it doesn't work that way. That would be foolish to do so since they haven't played the tough part of their schedule yet.

The Rams have not played the Cardinals or 49ers a second time, thus incorporating a second iteration of those teams into their SOS would be illogical.

Thanks, but there's just no way you're going to win this one.


My Thoughts:

He's not going to win this one because I just don't give a damn. Seriously, who cares? And why does some renowned math genius worry about an NFL Draft order for one week in December anyway? It's just going to change in a few days. Shouldn't this guy be inventing formulas and stuff? Why is he continuously barraging me with e-mails?


Strength of Schedule Man:

Rams play AZ and SF to finish out the season. If you don't include the 9-5 and 6-8 records, what you have done is only counted 14 outcomes from 14 teams, 196 outcomes, when we really have 14 outcomes from 16 teams, or 224 outcomes(223 disincluding week 15 MNF). You're ignoring outcomes that have already occurred! All of these outcomes will be in the season end's SOS, and since a midseason SOS should be the most accurate representation of the season end's SOS, why would you ignore known data!


My Thoughts:

Blehblehblehblehblehblehblehblehbleh!!!


Me:

As I've said multiple times, you can't count those second SF and ARZ iterations for the Rams because those games didn't happen yet. The Rams might win those games and improve their overall record, thus taking themselves out of the first pick.

It's not known data - unless you're telling me for sure that you know the Rams will lose to SF and ARZ. If so, I'm going to take out a second mortgage on my house and bet the money line on SF and ARZ in those games.

Thanks for the betting advice.


It's Over:

And that's the last I heard from him. It was a pretty unbearable exchange at the time, but in hindsight, I should say that it was a great pleasure to discuss the NFL Draft order with such a great mathematician, Wikipedia researcher, Holiday Inn Express patron and psychic.

It's really amazing that this guy can do all that and still attempt to figure out all of the intricacies of the NFL Draft order. He's truly an American hero - a man that Corrine Brown can even look up to.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Ed Block

By now, you know that I strongly dislike QB Dog Killer. "He's a scumbag who doesn't deserve a second chance because he committed inhumane and unredeemable actions, blehblehblehblehbleh..." You've heard it all from me before.

Well, there's a huge difference between letting QB Dog Killer back into the league and giving him a freaking award. That's right - the Philadelphia Eagles have announced that QB Dog Killer has been named the team's Ed Block Courage Award recipient.

Last week, I received seven e-mails about this, all from disgusted people who laughed that QB Dog Killer was given some courage award.

It really is a joke. However, I'm not going to comment on this beyond that. Instead, I'll let the good people do the talking. Here are some comments left on Comcast's Web page regarding the QB Dog Killer courage award story:

"The only award Vick deserves is neutering. DOG KILLER!"

"This award must be a joke."

"Vick winning an AWARD? Whose smoking crack on that board??? Vick isn't worth the freaking dirt on my shoe. I will never buy ANYTHING with Vick as a spokesperson. He's a disgrace."

"courage?? What a joke, The eagles are a disgrace, a joke of an organization they should be ashamed!!!"

"This is ABOMINABLE! Vick only cares that he got caught; he doesn't care about those dogs he killed and injured."

"How much courage does it take to torture and kill helpless animals. Vick is a heartless predator. Shame on the Eagles for even signing him."

"Not worth the attention or commenting on something so sickening, but I will agree that it must be a joke. It makes the legitimacy of the award to the deserving ones a slap in the face."

"This makes me want to vomit. The guy is a total loser. I live in "Eagles Country" and have vowed to never, ever watch another one of their games, and I've kept with that vow. They should be ashamed of themselves for letting an animal abuser on their team. I hope he is the Eagles' bad luck charm."

"I am all about second chances, that's why I didn't have any real feelings on Vick being back in the NFL. I didn't understand why the Eagles took him (not really a fit as can be seen by his numbers outsside the ATL game) but whatever. But a "COURAGE" award???? Make him keep that construction job at 12 bucks an hour around the public then give him a courage award - not for making a million bucks in the alternate reality that is the pro sports world."

"I think the Eagles and Players must be digging the bottom of the barrel to bestow this honor on a dog killer."

"It's not about animals it's about character, or lack of it in this case."

"how much courage did it take to shoot,drown hang and electricute those poor dogs? And how brave he must be to feed those golden retriever pups as bait dogs? he is a disgrace to the human race. my only hope is that in one of these games he suffers."

Phew. My fingers hurt from copy-pasting.

Now, to be fair, there were some pro-QB Dog Killer quotes on that page. However, I'm pleased to say that 13 of 19 of those comments were against this bogus courage award. According to my nifty Windows calculator, that's 68.4 percent against QB Dog Killer - and I didn't even need Strength of Schedule Man to figure that one out for me!

Given all the support QB Dog Killer has received in this horrible city, I sort of lost a bit of faith in humanity. But the fact that 68.4 percent of people are anti-QB Dog Killer makes me feel a lot better.

I'm going to do something special now. The good 68.4 percent will enjoy this. The other 31.6 percent will also like this because they feel as though QB Dog Killer deserves to get awards.

Here it goes...

THE 2009 WALTERFOOTBALL.COM

DOUCHE BAG AWARD OF THE YEAR

GOES TO...

MICHAEL VICK!!!

If this Ed Block idiot can give out awards to QB Dog Killer, then so can I.

Let it be remembered that QB Dog Killer won the first-ever WalterFootball.com Douche Bag of the Year prize. Maybe he can put it on his trophy on his mantle right next to some of the dog heads he collected while drowning canines in his pool and taking bets on how long they'd last.