Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010

Jerks of the Week for May 24, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Pepsi YouTube Man

There are only a few things that truly annoy me - reality TV shows, artsy-fartsy new-age hippies, one-way streets, bums, Communist soccer, high income taxes, and delusional woman-beating psychopath terrorists who ruin South Park to name a few.

My No. 1 pet peeve, however, is when a person mentions or references someone without explaining whom they're talking about. For instance, consider the following conversation:

Me: NOM NOM NOM I love Doritos NOM NOM NOM.

Girl: That's funny, that's exactly how Jim acts around Doritos.

Me: NOM NOM N... wait... who the hell is Jim?

Girl: He works out at the gym sometimes. I see him on occasion.

Me: So why the hell didn't you just say, "That's exactly how this guy at my gym acts around Doritos!?!?!?!? Argh!!!!"

Just to make it clear how much I hate this, I'm going to have to show you another example:

Me: You know what I love doing? Putting M&Ms in a bowl and microwaving them, and then eating the goopy M&Ms with a spoon. Great times.

Girl: I have to tell Sally about that. She'd probably like it if she tried it.

Me: NOM NOM N... wait... who the hell is Sally?

Girl: She was my friend from grade school. She now works at Foot Locker.

Me: So why the hell didn't you just say, "I have to tell my old friend from grade school about that!?!??! How the f*** am I supposed to know who Sally is!?!? Can I read your freaking mind!? Blahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

As you can see, this infuriates me, and I've found that girls do this a lot more than guys. I don't know why. Maybe they know it really frustrates me, so they do it to me on purpose. Yeah, that's it. It's a damn conspiracy. They're all out to get me! Trust no one!

In all seriousness, unless I know them or met them before, I don't care who Sally and Jim are. Why bother with their names if I don't know anything about them? It's much more efficient to say "my old friend from grade school" or "guy at my gym" if I've never met them before.

This also applies to inanimate objects, which brings me to Pepsi YouTube Man. Pepsi YouTube Man is a fat guy at my gym - the same guy who once invited himself over my new house to use my hot tub and then apparently attempted to rape me in the showers (not that there's anything wrong with that).

I was in the locker room along with him, some naked old men and some kids who were getting ready for their swim lessons. I was just minding my own business when Pepsi YouTube Man begins roaming around the locker room, asking every single person, "Did you see that Pepsi video on YouTube?"

Yeah, that one. The Pepsi video on YouTube. How could I not see it?

Every single person, both young and old, just shook their head. Yet, Pepsi YouTube Man refused to describe the video, continuously referring to it as "the Pepsi video on YouTube."

He finally asked me the question, and I lost it.

"Dude, there are probably a billion videos on YouTube about Pepsi! No one knows what the hell you're talking about!"

Pepsi YouTube Man slumped away in silence, probably aware that his self-invitation to my hot tub was likely revoked.

Did I hurt his feelings? Sure. But there are 98,900 Pepsi-related videos on YouTube (via the search results), so if this guy really thought that anyone would know which video he was talking about, then he deserved a verbal lashing.

No one else in the locker room said a word after that, but I feel like everyone would have applauded me if they weren't afraid that Pepsi YouTube Man would seek revenge by raping them in the showers.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Pepsi

Pepsi YouTube Man reminds me that I have to go on a rant about that particular soft drink company.

About a year ago, Pepsi released a new drink called Pepsi Throwback. At the time, I thought it was a stupid marketing ploy. Pepsi then re-released Pepsi Throwback in February because of popular demand. I was at Rite Aid one day and saw a bottle of this Pepsi Throwback stuff, so I decided to see what the fuss was all about.

Two words: Wowwa weewa.

Imagine having sex with 10 women at the same time, only you're drinking that sensation. That's what Pepsi Throwback tastes like. It was incredible. And to top it off, Pepsi Throwback is made with real sugar (as opposed to fake sugar), meaning that it's healthier than the regular stuff.

I became addicted. I bought five 2-liter bottles of Pepsi Throwback and drank at least two glasses each day. I had trouble falling asleep each night because of all the caffeine, but I didn't care. My life was complete with Pepsi Throwback.

A couple of weeks later, I noticed that my supplies were running low. I had only one 2-liter bottle remaining, so I decided to go back to Rite Aid to pick up some more. I checked the shelves where I bought the originals, but had no luck. I checked the freezers. I checked the aisle where they sold 12-packs of cans. I checked the front of the store. No Pepsi Throwback anywhere. What was happening?!?!?!

I assumed this particular Rite Aid was out. I drove to the nearby super market, but couldn't find any there. I went to another super market, but was also disappointed. I tried a CVS, but they were out as well.

I hurried home and Googled "Pepsi Throwback." I found the following statement in one of the results: "If you're wondering where to buy Pepsi Throwback, you'd better act fast! It's only available for a limited time at the beginning of Winter 2010."

Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Available for a limited time? Why, God, why!?

I then Googled "Pepsi Throwback where to buy." A site came up called EasyCoffee.com, and they had a listing for 12-pack cans of Pepsi-Throwback! Yay!

But then I saw the price - if you live on the East Coast, a 12-pack of cans costs $22.27. I wish I were joking.

These EasyCoffee.com people are geniuses. They hoarded all of this Pepsi Throwback, and are now making a huge profit off people like me who got addicted to the stuff. The sad thing is that I'm actually considering purchasing all of the Pepsi Throwback cans that they have in their inventory. Need Pepsi Throwback now.

The only other option is to beg Pepsi to bring it back, so I need your help. Two things: First, go to the Pepsi Throwback Facebook page and "Like it." Next, go to the Make Pepsi Throwback Permanent Petition and sign it. Tell them how you read a fat guy's nonsensical thoughts, and that you agree that Pepsi Throwback needs to return on a permanent basis for his well being.

If anyone from Pepsi is reading this, please, I beg you. Bring back Pepsi Throwback before I'm forced to spend all my mortgage payments on your currently defunct product.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: No Space Man

As I've indicated many times before, there are no hot girls at my gym. Most of the members are the following: guys in their mid-to-late 20s who play basketball on weeknights and Saturdays; old dudes who walk around the locker room naked as their balls flop and flail everywhere; and fat old Russian women who demand gold coins if you try to pass them in the pool.

A hot girl is a rare sight at my gym, which is why I was shocked to see not one, but TWO hot girls at the pool on Wednesday, May 12 (it was so noteworthy that I remembered the date).

They completely disrupted my workout. Instead of continuously swimming, I stopped every two laps. I talked to them briefly and learned that they were members of another gym, but came to my gym because it had a pool. Score!

But this Jerks of the Week entry isn't about those two chicks (whom I haven't seen since, unfortunately).

The day after May 12, which will hereby be known as the Day That Two Hot Girls Were at the Pool, I went back to the scene of the crime. To my dismay, the hot girls weren't there, but I did spot this fat guy in his mid-20s who also was present on the Day That Two Hot Girls Were at the Pool. I wanted to discuss the two chicks with him, so I attempted to strike up a conversation:

Me: Hey man, did you see the two chicks at the pool yesterday?

Fat Guy: What about them?

Me: What NOT about them?

Fat Guy: ... (no response, quietly texted)

Me: I'd say having them around was a little bit better than looking at 60-year-old women.

Fat Guy: ... (no response, quietly texted)

Me: I don't know what their deal is. I'm assuming they're in college. I hope they're not in high school. I don't want a Lawrence Taylor situation on my hands.

Fat Guy: ... (no response, quietly texted)

Me: The blonde was good-looking, but I thought the brunette was the hotter of the two. She had great legs.

Fat Guy: ... (no response, quietly texted)

Me: (frustrated at this point) What are you doing? Are you texting even hotter women or something?

Fat Guy: No, it's my friend's birthday tomorrow.

Me: So, tell him happy birthday tomorrow. We have hot women to discuss.

Fat Guy: No, I'm trying to find out if I can go to his party.

Me: Oh?

Fat Guy: He told me I could come to his party before, but now he's saying that there's no space for me.

Me: No space? You're not THAT fat. (OK, didn't say that second sentence).

Fat Guy: Yeah, this has happened to me a lot before. People say I can come to their party, but then they tell me they don't have space for me.

Me: That's pretty rough.

Fat Guy: (on the verge of crying) This always happens to me.

Me: Maybe you shouldn't consider this guy your friend if he keeps disinviting you from his parties because of an apparent lack of space.

Fat Guy: But he's my best friend.

Me: Oh man.

The Beatles once sung of a guy they called Nowhere Man. That's because they never met No Space Man. And 24 hours after the Day That Two Hot Girls Were at the Pool, No Space Man was sitting in his No Space Land.

I felt sorry for No Space Man, and considered inviting him to my upcoming housewarming party in July. But then I thought about it... I'm probably going to have a lot of guests there. Yeah... What if I don't have any space for him? It's going to be tough to fit him in... Yep, I guess I can't invite him.