Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010

Jerks of the Week for Sept. 27, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks

I got a haircut last Saturday. On my way home, I wanted to stop at a pharmacy to pick up the following items:

1. Pepsi Throwback: No explanation needed if you've read my rants and my dreams about Pepsi Throwback.

2. Shampoo: I was out.

3. Multiple Dove Dark Chocolate Bags: NOM NOM NOM NOM. I eat like 20 of these a day. Twenty chocolates; not 20 bags. Maybe that's why I'm going in for a root canal on Thursday.

The CVS was closer, so I stopped in there first. They only had shampoo because they were sold out of Pepsi Throwback and Dove Dark Chocolate. This was very upsetting.

At any rate, I actually know a guy who works at that CVS. He's a big black dude I've played basketball with on occasion. As I was scouring the aisles looking for things to destroy my teeth, he approached this weirdo with dyed hair and various chains hanging from his pants.

Big Black Dude: Hand it over.

Chain-Wearing Weirdo: Ehh... ehh...

*** Chain-Wearing Weirdo looked like he was going to piss his pants. ***

Big Black Dude: Give it to me NOW!

*** Chain-Wearing Weirdo meekly took some beef jerky out of his pocket and handed it over to the CVS employee. ***

Big Black Dude: You have to leave this store now.

Chain-Wearing Weirdo ran out as quickly as he could, fearing that the big black guy would kick his a**. Chain-Wearing Weirdo probably s*** himself in the process.

"I can't believe that idiot was trying to steal beef jerky," the CVS employee announced to all of his hot female co-workers. "Just pay the damn four bucks for it."

I paid for the shampoo, and departed for Rite Aid, hoping that they would have the Dove and Pepsi Throwback I was desperately searching for. Luckily, they had these items in stock.

I went to the counter, but was beat out by this Mexican lady and her 2-year-old kid, who was sitting in the top portion of her shopping cart.

I wouldn't have cared to wait behind someone, but Mexican Lady seriously had 50 items in her shopping cart. I only had two things in my hand. Couldn't she let me go first? Instead, I waited there for 10 minutes as the poor guy behind the counter rang all of her things up.

Meanwhile, her son was enjoying himself by playing with his toy helicopter. I wasn't having nearly as much fun because the kid was spitting everywhere as he was making weird helicopter noises.

I know what you're thinking. "Why didn't you just back up?" Good question. I couldn't do so because there were two very scary-looking females behind me. One was a hungry obese girl wearing a Phillies t-shirt. She, however, was nothing compared to her friend, who was also fat with smeared black pencil lipstick all over her face. Think the clown from It, only fat and female.

I couldn't really hear what the fat girls were talking about because their conversation was drowned over the little kid's helicopter noises. I can't understand fat girl language anyway.

Ten minutes later, all of Mexican Lady's groceries were finally in her bags.

"Oh, I neva had to wait theees long to get my theeengs in my baaags!" she happily announced.

Great job, Mexican Lady. Now if you could only give me back the 10 minutes in which I was spit on and scared to death by the fat clown behind me, I'd share your enthusiasm.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: QB Nacho E-mailer

The NFL season is underway, which can only mean one thing - it's time for me to receive my seasonal "you're a racist" e-mail!

This season's edition is from an e-mailer I'll refer to as QB Nacho E-mailer. QB Nacho E-mailer's beef with me is that I referred to Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez as "QB Nacho/Taco/whatever his name is" in one of the write-ups in my NFL Picks.

Here's QB Nacho E-mailer's e-mail in full:

Love your site, been a big fan for a while, and always make it a habit to post your articles on the football forum I moderate. Today I was reading your power rankings and was floored by your reference to Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez as "QB Taco/QB Nacho/whatever his name is".

I'm not usually one to call someone on being politically correct, but that showed some piss-poor taste dude. It's disrespectful and unprofessional for a site like yours. I just deleted your site from my bookmarks and won't be visiting again. I also won't post, or allow anyone else, to post any of your stuff on my message board.

If you're one of these new-age hippies and are silly enough to agree with QB Nacho E-mailer, here are two important things to consider:

1. Mark Sanchez's own teammate called him QB Nacho. In HBO's Hard Knocks linebacker Bart Scott called Sanchez "QB Nacho" on camera. Sanchez laughed it off.

I couldn't remember whether Scott called him "QB Nacho" or "QB Taco" (I was hungry and was in the mood for both at the time), so I just wrote "QB Nacho/QB Taco/whatever his name is" as a reference to Hard Knocks.

So, Sanchez's teammate didn't have a problem with this nickname. Sanchez himself didn't care either. But QB Nacho E-mailer, who has never met either guy, is appalled by it. How does that make sense?

2. QB Nacho E-mailer is not Mexican. Well, at least his last name makes it appear that he's not. It's not "Ramirez," or "Sanchez," or "Santiago." QB Nacho E-mailer has a very white last name.

Still though, I suppose I should have been more sensitive. Growing up in a white family, QB Nacho E-mailer has been oppressed for years. He's had to live with Mexican slurs his entire life. Clearly, this struck a nerve with him, as he constantly has nightmares about the days of his youth when bullies chanted Mexican slurs at him in the schoolyard.

Being white, Nacho E-mailer was severely hurt by these Mexican slurs. They've haunted his dreams for decades, so he finally snapped when he read the "QB Nacho/QB Taco/whatever his name is" comment.

OK, so I was clearly being facetious in my previous two paragraphs. It just really pisses me off when white douche bag new-age hippies get angry about anything that could be remotely racist despite the fact that it doesn't involve their race. I went on a rant about this during the Trent Silverback Williams debacle where Yahoo sports writer/anal douche Michael Silver wrote that he didn't like a black player's own nickname.

Anyway, here was my e-mail back to QB Nacho E-mailer:

You really need to stop taking things so seriously. You're going to have a heart attack or stroke with that sort of attitude.

Bart Scott, Mark Sanchez's own teammate, called Sanchez "QB Nacho" on HBO's Hard Knocks. That's why I wrote that. Go here if you don't believe me.

My friend, who happens to be Mexican, thought this was hilarious. By your name, I can tell that you're not Mexican. So take my advice and stop taking things so seriously, and learn to laugh.

Knowing QB Nacho E-mailer's disturbed past in terms of dealing with Mexican slurs, let's just hope he didn't set himself on fire after reading my response.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Hyper Girl

My dad told me this hilarious story, so I thought I'd share it with all of you.

I don't know when this took place, but this woman who works for my dad brought her 5-year-old daughter into my dad's store. This lady is one of a billion Russian immigrants in Philly who can barely speak any English.

At any rate, Russian Immigrant Lady's daughter (let's call her Hyper Girl) was hungry. She made this known to the guy behind the counter, who grabbed a chocolate bar and showed it to Russian Immigrant Lady, asking if it was OK for him to give it to Hyper Girl. Unable to read the wrapper on the chocolate bar, Russian Immigrant Lady assumed it was something like a Snickers, so she allowed Hyper Girl to have it.

Except it wasn't a chocolate bar. It was an energy bar.

As if 5-year-olds aren't crazy enough, this energy bar made Hyper Girl absolutely insane. After gobbling up the entire energy bar, Hyper Girl stormed into my dad's office.

Dad: What are you doing in here?

Hyper Girl wouldn't listen. She ran to a stack of papers, grabbed them and started rearranging them frantically.

Dad: Stop touching my papers!

Hyper Girl: Nnnnnoooooo!!!!

Hyper Girl bounced over to my dad's file cabinet. She opened it up and began flinging his files all over the place.

Dad: Stop throwing my files!

Hyper Girl: Nnnnnoooooo!!!!

Hyper Girl scurried over and grabbed the remote to my dad's air conditioner. She slammed down on the buttons several times and tried to open it up to take the batteries out.

Dad: Put down my remote now!

Hyper Girl: Nnnnnoooooo!!!!

Hyper Girl grabbed the remote and ran toward my dad's fish tank. She opened it up and was about to drop the remote into the tank, when at the last second, my dad picked her up and carried her out of his office.

"Don't come back in here," my dad warned.

Hyper Girl made a mean face at my dad.

"Nnnnoooooo!!!!" she yelled, and then turned around and ran down the hall.

The lesson as always, if you can't read English, ask someone to translate a wrapper for you before you give some unknown food item to your daughter. As you can see, if enough little girls eat energy bars, there will be complete and total destruction on this planet.