Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011

Jerks of the Week for March 7, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: White Afro Lady

Last week, I complained that the semi-cute, mustachioed Russian chick at my gym was harassing me to swipe my card even though she knows that I'm a member. Several readers sided with Russian Mustache Chick, citing that the gym wants an electronic record of when I'm there.

I'm against this. First of all, it's discrimination. Why are us white males always required to tell "the man" where we are at all times? It's just not fair. And second, what if a fat woman looks up the information on the computer prior to eating it? She can learn when I usually go to the gym. She and the other fat women would then stage an assault. Before you know it, they'll be fighting over who gets to eat me for their eighth breakfast.

Anyway, I actually remembered to bring my gym ID with me on Monday. Russian Mustache Chick was behind the front desk once again. When she saw me, she smiled and waved. I guess she doesn't read this site.

I didn't feel like starting another argument, so I took out my gym ID and said, "Look, I brought this just for you."

Russian Mustache Chick laughed and pushed the buzzer to open the door. Hey, if I game her, maybe I can get her to shave her mustache. You never know.

In the locker room, I ran into another previous jerk, No Space Man (you can read all about this weirdo by clicking the link).

It's been a while since I've seen No Space Man, so I figured I should find out why he hasn't been around.

Me: Hey man, it's been months since I saw you. Where have you been?

No Space Man: I was on summer vacation.

Summer vacation? Umm... you do know it's March, right?

Me: Don't you mean winter vacation?

No Space Man tilted his head and looked at me quizzically as if he didn't understand what I was talking about. OK, apparently you can now take summer vacations in January and February. I kinda wish I could be No Space Man, minus, of course, the not having friends part and the trying to get phone numbers from 10-year-old boys part.

I bid farewell to No Space Man and went to the pool. I completed about 1,000 yards when a fat Russian woman with a white afro plopped into my lane. I tried swimming around her for three laps, but she made that extremely difficult because she kept rolling into me.

Finally, as I was swimming by her for the fourth time, she reached out and hit my shoulder.

Me: Did you just hit me!?

White Afro Lady: Iz two pyerson! Iz two pyerson!

Me: Two person? What?

White Afro Lady: Two pyerson svim! Two pyerson svim!

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.

White Afro Lady: Iz two pyerson svim! Iz two pyerson svim!!

Me: Huh?

I honestly had no idea what she was yelling about. Did she need another person in here to complete her feast? Did she already eat two swimmers? Or was she a f***ing idiot who was pointing out that there were two people in our lane?

White Afro Lady dismissively waved her hand at me, turned around and continued flopping through the water.

Over the next 500 yards, I finally realized what White Afro Lady was talking about. Since there were two people in the lane, she wanted me to stay on one side. Unfortunately, that's not how things work. When you're swimming with someone else, you're supposed to stay on the right side of the lane at all times - pretty much like you're driving a car.

Unfortunately, White Afro Lady knows only four words in the English language, so I couldn't explain it to her. Not that she would even get it. Seeing as how she's too fat to fit into any sort of car, she just doesn't understand how the road system works.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: ABC

I've complained about ABC before. About nine months ago, I compiled a rant about how ABC completely mismanaged and consequently ruined Flash Forward. At the end of that Jerks of the Week entry, I proclaimed, "Screw you, ABC. I hate you, and I am never watching your s*** network ever again."

Well, I lied. I like the show V. The plot line didn't make much sense at first, but it's moving in a good direction. Plus, the blond chick on the show is really hot. I could seriously watch her on any type of program. If CBS ran a show about grass growing and people eating boogers, and she was the main character, I'd tune in every week.

Unfortunately, I missed last week's episode. I was busy updating my 2011 NFL Mock Draft and I was behind schedule, so it just slipped my mind. "No problem," I later thought. "I'll just go to ABC.com and watch it on the computer."

See, that would be too easy. ABC.com allows you to watch all of its other shows, but not V. All they let you see is a 14-second preview clip.

I also tried iTunes, YouTube and Hulu. Nothing. ABC has no On Demand area either, so that's not an option.

Apparently, I'm not the only one with this issue. People on the ABC.com boards are pretty pissed off about not being able to see V as well. Here are some comments I found:

F off and DIE ABC.......you suck!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DID YOU TAKE FULL EPISODES OFF LINE???????? YOU COULD HAVE ALERTED PEOPLE SO THEY WOULD KNOW TO RECORD IF THEY WERE GOING TO MISS IT. VERY DISAPOINTED

ABC you suck....whats your reasoning for NOT showing them when you show ALL your other shows full episodes.....guess youre screwed as a fan if you miss a show huh.....I hope you all catch a nasty case of crabs!!!!

I say we put Charlie Sheen in as President of ABC. At least he's smarter then the current ABC executives who would rather lose viewers by not re-airing episodes.

Dear ABC, It is with much regret that I must inform you that stupid decisions like this one is what encourages piracy. Best always, An ex-fan.

This is an unfortunate and misguided decision by a simple minded executive whose mouth-breathing myopic goal oriented stupidity is only superceded by their eventual level of failure. It is inevitable. They have failed, they will continue to fail, and their final epic failure is inevitable. If the show is cancelled, it is solely due to the inability of this ABC executive to extract their thumb from their rectum. ABC, your demise is 1 day closer today than it was yesterday and the medium of this failure is the mindless leadership that believed that the quote associated with this decision was meaningful, useful, or relevant. We applaud your public and spectacular catastrophy!

Bravo to that last poster. ABC's decision not to make the show available online makes no sense. What kind of business model is that? Imagine if car dealerships worked this way.

Customer: Hey, I'm interested in that red Honda Accord.

Car Salesman: Great! Want to go for a test drive?

Customer: Sure!

Car Salesman: Well, that's too bad. See, you can only take it for test drives between 9 and 10 p.m. on Tuesday.

Customer: What? Why?

Car Salesman: That's our policy.

Customer: But you close at 8 on Tuesdays.

Car Salesman: Yup.

Customer: So how is anyone ever supposed to test drive it?

Car Salesman: Well, like I said, you can test drive it between 9 and 10.

Customer: But you're closed then... why can't I just test drive it now?

Car Salesman: Because you can test drive it between 9 and 10 on Tuesdays.

ABC is just as stupid as that car salesman. If you want someone to watch your product - and subsequently make money - you should make it available online (with ads) so people who can't catch it on TV can keep up.

As a last resort, I tried looking on Google to see if I could find last week's episode. Unfortunately, I found nothing but shady sites that asked me to do something in order to watch the show.

For example, one site asked, "You must download Click Potato in order to watch this program! Download Click Potato now?"

Yeah, OK. I'm going to download some s*** program that completely destroys my computer on the off chance that you'll actually let me see the episode. (And yes, if the blond V chick stripped naked in the episode, I would download Click Potato.)

Another site wrote, "You must take four surveys to watch the episode!"

Four surveys? What, one's not enough? The surveys were all stupid like "Are you really a male or female?" and "Which Jersey Shore character are you?"

I don't need a survey to figure that one out. Here's a quick rundown:

If you're a short, fat, annoying black woman: Snooki

If you've compensated for your lack of personality and ugly face by getting breast implants: Jwoww

If you're attractive as long as you cover up your fat legs: Sammi

If you're a narcissist and think you're legally required to show your six-pack at all times: The Situation

If you're a Mexican bodybuilder who puts steroids in his cereal: Ronnie

If you use your own splooge as hair gel: Pauly

If your IQ is actually over the single-digit threshold: Vinny

There. I'm done with my survey. Can I watch V now?

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: BYU

If you're not a sports fan and didn't hear about the situation at Brigham Young University, you really need to read this.

BYU basketball star Brandon Davies was dismissed from the team for violating the school's honor code.

Did he assault someone? Nope. Did he rape a girl? No. Did he show up completely drunk to a final and still manage to get an 84? Oh wait, that was me. But that's a story for another day.

Davies was dismissed from BYU's basketball team because he had premarital sex with his girlfriend. Oh, and it's a good thing Davies didn't drink caffeine either - that would have been a second violation.

My friend Hunter from the Draft Zoo had a hilarious tweet about this:

"BYU has dismissed @charliesheen from their basketball team."

As ridiculous as this honor code "violation" sounds, the idiots in the media are defending this. "He knew what he was signing up for when he went to BYU," they say. "BYU should be commended for following through with their honor code."

That's bulls***. What good is an honor code if it's retarded? What if Penn State suddenly declared, "Any player caught eating macaroni and cheese will be kicked off the team?" What if Temple University proclaimed, "Any player who simultaneously poops and reads Game Informer magazine will be suspended for 20 games?"

It's just as dumb. Who the hell cares if you eat macaroni and cheese, who the hell cares if you poop and read Game Informer at the same time, and who the hell cares if you drink coffee or have sex with your girlfriend? It shouldn't be any of BYU's business.

But maybe I can use this to my advantage. If BYU is allowed to have a silly honor code like this, any school can probably implement something just as dumb.

I have an idea. I'm going to save up a ton of money and found WalterFootball.com University. I'll implement the following honor code for all women's athletics:

1. Thou shalt sexually pleasure the dean - i.e. Walt - at least once a day.
   
   
2. Thou shalt maketh the dean a sandwich whenever he wants one.
   
   
3. Thou shalt not eateth macaroni and cheese (more for the dean).
   
   
4. Thou shalt not poop and read Game Informer (the dean doth not wantest these magazines to be flagged).
   
   
5. Thou shalt playeth thine sports in lingerie.
   
   
6. Thou shalt not gaineth a lot of weight; the dean wisheth not to be eaten by a fat girl.
   
   
7. Thou shalt not have sex with any other men. Having sex with other women is encouraged, however.
   
   
8. If thou hath sex with another female, thou shalt ready a Web cam so the dean can watcheth.
   
   

I really don't think any of that is unreasonable. If athletes can't have sex or drink coffee at BYU, females at WalterFooball.com University should have to bring me a sandwich after sex. Thou shalt respecteth the honor code.