Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010

Jerks of the Week for June 7, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: New Neighbors

I'm always excited for new neighbors. It's more than just a break from the monotony of evil Vietnamese kids breaking fire hydrants, old Indian women yelling at me about dog poop, and bums looking for unknown misplaced items on front lawns.

The reason I look forward to new neighbors is that there is always the prospect that hot 18-year-old twins triplets quadruplets quintuplets move in, and sexy time will ensue. Unfortunately, this never happens, but there is always a chance it could.

Two weeks ago, an Indian family moved out and a new family commandeered house on a nearby cul-de-sac. There were no hot quintuplets as far as I could tell, and I was able to confirm this on the day prior to Memorial Day.

While walking my dog outside of their new home, I spotted an older woman (in her 60s) and presumably her granddaughter (about 5-6 years old). The little girl was riding her pink Barbie bicycle in circles, and her presumed grandmother was just standing and watching her.

I started a conversation with the older woman, and while it began normally, it quickly got very frustrating:

Me: Hey, how are you?

Grandmother: I'm OK shonny, how are you?

Me: I'm doing good.

Grandmother: Thatsh a mighty big dog you got there!

Me: Yeah, she's pretty big.

Little Girl (yelling incoherently): DOGGY CAN RIDE MY BIKE! DOGGY CAN RIDE MY BIKE! I HAVE A BARBIE BIKE! SHE'LL LIKE BARBIE BIKE!

*** Apparently my "doggy" didn't like her Barbie bike. Instead, the little girl and the bike freaked her out, and she started pulling me back home. This is a 100-pound Akita we're talking here. The old lady, however, thought this was funny.***

Grandmother: / Looksh like that dog'sh pulling you hwa hwa hwa!

Little Girl (yelling incoherently, riding around the parking spaces in the middle of the cul-de-sac): THIS SPOT HAS NO CARS THIS SPOT HAS CAR THIS SPOT HAS NO CAR THIS SPOT HAS NO CAR THIS SPOT HAS CAR!

Grandmother: Hhwa hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa!

Little Girl: NO CAR HERE BLUE CAR HERE NO CAR HERE GRAY CAR HERE NO CAR HERE NO CAR HERE RED CAR HERE!

Grandmother: Hhwa hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa hwa!

Oh man, what a disaster. I've only seen her once, and this old lady thinks I'm a wimp because my dog was dragging me around - and this was only because her rambling granddaughter and her stupid Barbie bicycle spooked her.

Maybe next time I see this girl's Barbie bicycle laying around on the sidewalk, I'll break it into pieces. Ha! Who's the wimp now, old hag?

And don't think I'm kidding here. If I don't prove my manliness to this lady, I may not have a chance with her hot quintuplet nieces if they ever visit her new home. Yes, I don't know if they exist or not, but I will never give up hope.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: ABC

What do you get when you collect the biggest morons on the planet and ask them to run a TV network? The American Broadcasting Company!

I really hate ABC right now. With Lost finished, I'm more than happy to never watch that terrible network again. I'm simply not a big fan of TV channels run by drunks, imbeciles and brain-dead bozos.

My hatred for the Absolute Bulls**t Company stems from their cancellation of Flash Forward, which looked like it could carry Lost's torch as the most intelligent show on television. Instead, the degenerates at ABC decided to can the show in favor of $10 reality programs like Eating Cereal With the Stars, Wipeout! and So You Think You Can Climb Mount Everest!?

ABC will point to Flash Forward's dwindling ratings as the reasoning for its cancellation. That's fair. Flash Forward premiered with 12.5 million U.S. viewers and dropped down to 4.9 million by the finale. That's pretty bad. But if anyone at ABC had a working brain, they would ask themselves why the show's ratings dropped. It wasn't because Flash Forward sucked; everyone I know who has watched at least one episode absolutely loved it. I single-handedly got half-a-dozen people hooked on the show.

Fortunately for my own sanity, I was able to figure out why Flash Forward's rating plummeted. It's pretty simple, really. For the first seven weeks of the show's existence, Flash Forward generated at least 8.5 million U.S. viewers per episode. Starting on Nov. 12, however, the ratings dropped dramatically.

Now, what happened on Nov. 12? Hmm... How about, I don't know, the National Football League!? The NFL's first Thursday night game of the 2009 season (excluding the opener) occurred on Nov. 12 - in the same timeslot as Flash Forward. What are nine out of 10 males going to watch, a football game, or a show they can just catch online or on DVD?

Due to ABC's poor and moronic scheduling, one of its shows lost its entire male audience. No wonder its ratings plummeted. And if that wasn't enough, Flash Forward went on a ridiculously long hiatus between Dec. 3 and March 18.

Oh, and guess what March 18 was? The first day of the NCAA Tournament! Once again, Flash Forward forfeited millions of viewers to a heavily watched sporting event. I had been waiting urgently for Flash Forward to come back, and even I forgot to record half the episode because I was watching college hoops. If big fans of the show like me couldn't remember to watch it, what about the casual viewers?

I have one more qualm with the Absolute Bulls**t Company aside from its mismanagement of Flash Forward. While watching the series finale of Flash Forward - which was really awesome - I was constantly bombarded by a loud "BEEP BEEP BEEP" noise. Apparently, ABC felt it had to make this ridiculously obnoxious sound during the most important parts of the show because they were issuing a thunderstorm warning.

Oh no. Not a thunderstorm! Thanks for telling me, ABC. Hearing the f***ing thunder outside wasn't enough, so I needed a blaring triple beep to tell me not to go swimming or running around outside with a giant metal pole. I'm so grateful. I was completely unprepared for this thunderstorm, but I was able to endure it because of the "BEEP BEEP BEEP" warnings that ran throughout the show every five minutes and interrupted the important dialogue.

Screw you, ABC. I hate you, and I am never watching your s*** network ever again.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath

If you somehow didn't hear about Wednesday's disastrous near-perfect game, here's what happened: Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was one out away from the 21st perfect game in Major League Baseball history. A Cleveland Indians batter hit the ball to Detroit's first baseman, who flipped it to Galarraga for the final out - or at least what should have been the final out. First base umpire Jim Joyce called the runner safe, even though it was painfully obvious that Galarraga deserved the final out (click the link for a clear picture).

My initial reaction to this? I Tweeted, "Jim Joyce hates babies, orphans and puppies!" (follow me @walterfootball.) Now, I don't really know if Joyce dislikes those things, but at the time it seemed logical. Why ruin baseball history by going against a clear-cut call?

It actually turns out that Joyce was just as angry at himself as everyone was. Joyce wept and admitted that he got the call wrong. He knows that his decision to rule the runner safe will forever live in infamy.

For this reason, I'm not going to dub Joyce a Jerk of the Week. He made a terrible mistake, but as Galarraga later said, "No one's perfect." Joyce is a human just like everyone else. Was it completely nonsensical to call the play safe and ruin history? Absolutely, but I doubt Joyce did it out of malice - unless he really does hate babies, orphans and puppies.

There were, however, a number of other jerks that festered from this disaster. Let's discuss them:

1. Major League Baseball: Joyce's blown call would have been irrelevant if baseball had instant replay for non-home runs. Why can't baseball copy a more successful sport (football) and institute an instant replay system where a manager can challenge one or two calls per game (as long as it's not balls and strikes)?

Baseball traditionalists and writers frown upon this, but they're old, stubborn douche bags. This is 2010. The technology to do this has existed for decades. It's worked for football, basketball and hockey. Why can't baseball escape the 19th century? Why does baseball continue to be so stubborn and archaic?

2. Bud Selig: The commissioner of baseball is most to blame. Bud Selig could have easily invoked the "best interest of the game" clause, and awarded Galarraga his deserved perfect game. Selig did something like this before for the stupid All-Star game. Why can't he amend an admitted bad call and just make everyone happy? No one would complain a reversal. It's not like he's changing a win or a loss. It was the 27th out of a game, which ended a play later. Anyone displeased about this is either a communist or a complete jerk. Maybe both.

Forget justice and Galarraga's place in history for a second. Since blowing the call, Joyce and his son have received death threats. Had Selig invoked the "best interest of the game" clause, Joyce and his family wouldn't have to live in fear for their lives. What if there is one crazy person out there who plans on acting out his threat? What if Joyce or one of his family members is hurt, or even killed? Selig would be completely responsible - all because he's too stubborn, too scared and too stupid to make a logical decision.

Then again, none of us should be surprised by Selig's indecisiveness. What more should we expect from a pansy who looks exactly like a lipstick-less version of Janet Reno?

3. Death Threats: Speaking of which, death threats? Seriously? Over a baseball game in June?

What the hell is wrong with these people ("what do you mean, these people!?") Joyce made a horrific call and a poor decision, but does he really deserve death threats? This guy didn't kill his wife and her lover. He didn't drown or electrocute hundreds of dogs. He didn't cancel Flash Forward. He just lost his eyesight, judgment and/or sanity for a second. He doesn't deserve any sort of death threats, and neither does his family.

4. Idiot Blond Woman on FOXNews: I don't watch FOXNews, CNN, MSNBC, or as I like to call them, "Let's Make Everyone Believe Our Country is Going to Hell and Blow Things out of Proportion to Increase Our Ratings!" channels.

However, I was near a TV on Thursday night that had the FOXNews network on. Sean Hannity and a few guests were discussing Galarraga's near-perfect game, so I listened for a few moments.

I honestly forget what Hannity and his goons opined, but I'll never forget what this artsy-fartsy new-age hippie blond woman said. She declared, "I'm not going to have children because of overpopulation. I plan on adopting in the future, but I will not have children because of overpopulation."

Fail.

I seriously can't believe this idiot. She's going to deny herself the pleasure (and occasional agony) of her own child because she's worried about overpopulation? Yeah, you know, because we're only one kid away from overpopulation, and she holds the balance of the entire planet in her uterus. What a pretentious snob.

I'm not sure who this whore was, but if you do and somehow know her e-mail address, please forward this Jerks of the Week segment over to her because my new goal in life is to piss her off.

You don't want to have kids because of overpopulation, eh? Fine. Thanks to you, I will now have two more kids than I originally planned.

I'm 27, so I don't have any children yet, but I've always wanted at least three. Now because of Idiot Blond Woman on FOXNews, I plan on having at least five. Not only that, I will advise other parents to have more kids as well. I will single-handedly be responsible for the overpopulation of the entire planet, muhahaha!