Jerks of the Week - May 9, 2011

Jerks of the Week for May 9, 2011


JERK OF THE YEAR: Rashard Mendenhall

When our awesome troops eliminated Osama bin Laden last Sunday night, the nation rejoiced. If you didn't watch CNN, FOX News, etc., tens of thousands of drunk and happy people celebrated in the streets of Washington and New York.

One individual who was not celebrating, however, was Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall. Instead, he took to Twitter and fired off a series of controversial anti-American tweets:

We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.

What kind of person celebrates death? It's amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We've only heard one side...

There is not an ignorant bone in my body. I just encourage you to #think

For those of you who said you want to see Bin Laden burn in hell and piss on his ashes, I ask how would God feel about your heart?

Those who judge others, will also be judged themselves.

Going down on your man IS optional. It's either gonna be you, OR some other chick. #choosewisely

I'm not sure how that last one got in there, but as you can see, Mendenhall is an idiot. And I don't want to hear any of this "free speech" crap. Sure, as an American (who supports terrorism) Mendenhall has the right to say anything he wants, but what he tweeted was the equivalent of someone saying, "The colors on a traffic light are blue, orange and purple." It's just completely wrong. You can go around telling people that the colors on a traffic light are blue, orange and purple, and you won't be arrested for it, but people will think you're an imbecile.

And Mendenhall's an imbecile. By the way, I can say that because of "free speech." That's right - anyone who defends Mendenhall must also acknowledge that because of free speech, anyone else can also call Mendenhall a moron. It works both ways.

With that in mind, let's review Mendenhall's tweets to prove just how clueless he is:

Going down on your man IS optional. It's either gonna be you, OR some other chick. #choosewisely

Women are stupid for saying chivalry is dead. Here we have a famous football player telling chicks that they don't have to suck on his wang. It's an option, after all. Females couldn't vote a hundred years ago. Now, they have the option of going down on football players. See how far women have come since 1911? And feminists think that their gender is being treated unfairly. Pssh.

Those who judge others, will also be judged themselves.

This goes back to the free speech thing. Mendenhall is judging us for celebrating bin Laden's death, so we get to judge him for supporting terrorism. As Emmitt Smith would say, "You can't eat your cake and eat it too."

For those of you who said you want to see Bin Laden burn in hell and piss on his ashes, I ask how would God feel about your heart?

Two things. First, since Mendenhall is referencing God, let's look at two passages out of the Bible that contradicts this fail of a tweet:

Romans 12:19 - Vengeance is mine sayeth the lord, I will repay

Ezekiel 25:17 - God laid down his vengeance on him.

So, God would probably feel pretty good about your heart.

And second, people weren't celebrating bin Laden's death because they were happy that a human being died. People were happy because bin Laden's demise represented a huge blow to present-day terrorism and anti-peace. People are thrilled that without the head of Al Quesadilla calling the shots, that terrorist organization is less likely to have a successful attack on American soil and kill more innocent people.

Al Quesadilla? Yeah, I forget what those douche bags are called. And meh, who cares? They're finished anyway. At any rate, it just amazes me that a chivalrous man like Mendenhall doesn't understand this. I thought football players were supposed to be smart.

There is not an ignorant bone in my body. I just encourage you to #think

Another Twitter member, @MarkVernallis, replied with a hilarious tweet:

"@R_Mendenhall How about you #think about not fumbling the #football in the #goddamn #superbowl"

By the way, I hate this stupid hash mark obsession on Twitter. In every other tweet from an athlete or stupid celebrity, I see them hash something dumb like "#think." I'm glad @MarkVernallis made fun of this. It might have just inspired me to use irrelevant hash marks from now. Here's an example:

Check out my 2012 NFL Mock Draft - http://bit.ly/gn4mWP #marshmallowistasty

Marshmallow is tasty? Sounds good to me #NOM #NOM #NOM #NOM.

What kind of person celebrates death? It's amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We've only heard one side...

Oh yeah, there's definitely no way that bin Laden was remotely responsible for 9/11. I mean, let's just ignore the fact that he admitted to it years ago, which was he declared war on America back in 1997 in a broadcasted interview with a CNN journalist.

But we haven't heard bin Laden's side of the story yet. By admitting responsibility to 9/11 in a video, bin Laden actually meant to say, "Even though I trained my soldiers to attack America and lied to them about the 69 virgins they'll receive after death, I had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks. What was I doing that day? Well, nothing special at first. I went to McDonald's for breakfast, then I sat by the pool for a few hours. After that, I took a nap and went clubbing at night. My friend Ahmed and I met these two crazy chicks, and oh man... I don't even want to get into what they did back at my crib."

Poor bin Laden. All he wanted to do in his Pakistani mansion was eat Egg McMuffins, lay out in the sun and bang kinky babes. Why did we have to kill such a cool guy? Why oh why!?!?!

We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.

Duh. Mendenhall is right. There is absolutely no way a 75,000-pound plane traveling at 500 mph can knock down a skyscraper "demolition style." Impossible.

There is no way the plane destroyed those towers, so let's take a look at some possible suspects. I know who the real culprit is, but here are three other suspects that my Facebook friends considered:

1. From Bret O: The planes that flew into the towers were holographs and everything we saw was all CGI on 9/11.

That would totally explain why Michael Bay was seen near Ground Zero that day.

2. From Peter O: The United States shot two missiles at the trade center and had cardboard cut outs of planes taped to them to throw everyone off.

I can actually hear Michael Moore snacking on some Cheetos and yelling, "NOM NOM NOM NOM THAT'S WHAT I SAY IN MY VIDEO NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!"

3. From Ryan E: I call it the young, rich, and black theory. Mendenhall doesn't think 9/11 actually happened; his side of the story is that he was in the parking garage below the World Trade Center and his music was playing too loud in his car. Being young, rich, and black, the police came and ruined his good time and then assaulted him. To cover the whole thing up, the New York City police blew up the towers to destroy the evidence of the assault. Case closed.

I'd love to believe Ryan E's awesome conspiracy theory, but as I mentioned, I know the real culprit. After doing some thinking and extensive research, I've uncovered the true mastermind behind the attacks on 9/11:



Wile E. Coyote is hungry. And oh, there's the roadrunner! Can he finally catch that bastard?



How can this foolproof plan possibly fail?



Aim for the roadrunner, Wile E. Coyote, not the World Trade Center!



And boom goes the dynamite. From what I'm hearing, the remaining members of Al Quesadilla are attempting to recruit Wile E. Coyote to be their new leader. But what if he doesn't like Egg McMuffins, Al Quesadilla? What then?

Everyone reading this now knows that Osama bin Laden was not behind 9/11. It was just a hungry coyote and his ACME rocket. So, if I can debunk 9/11 so easily, let's see what other dumb statements and/or silly conspiracy theories we can come up with. I asked my Facebook friends to see if they could think of anything, and here are some of the results:

Jake A: The no bullet theory. JFK wasn't killed by anyone. His head just did that.

Had Mendenhall been alive in the 1960s, I sadly believe he would have tweeted, "We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a bullet could kill a president demolition style."

Oh, wait. Twitter wasn't around back then. Damn it. #marshmallowwasstilltastyin1960.

Ryan K: I heard Mendenhall doesn't think an NFL quarterback can date rape a 19-year-old either.

Date? Who said anything about date?

Mendenhall's response: "We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a quarterback could rape a 19-year-old girl demolition style."

Matt S: Bill Belichick is actually an alien from Mars who collects draft picks to survive in Earth's atmosphere.

Anyone who follows the NFL Draft knows this is absolutely, 100-percent true.

J.P. P: Contrary to earlier reports, Jenn Sterger sent a picture of HER penis to Brett Favre first. Favre, in his usual Percocet stupor, thought s/he was playing a game with him, so he deleted the photo and responded in kind. All of this was orchestrated by Roger Goodell and Hillary Clinton.

If this is true, Sterger is really lucky, and I'm sure Mendenhall would agree. Not only does she have the option of going down on guys; she also has the option of going down on herself. I'm sure that every single woman on this planet is jealous of her.

Those were all great dumb statements and/or ridiculous conspiracy theories. Now, it's my turn:

1. The fat ladies at my gym pool don't really want to eat me.

This got me thinking. It's amazing how I can THINK FAT WOMEN WILL EAT ME when I have never even heard them speak. We've only heard one side...

Me: Hey, Fat Woman at the Pool, I'm sorry I assumed that you would eat me. I'm willing to hear you speak so I can hear both sides.

Fat Woman at the Pool: HOLD ON ONE SECOND, ME GO GET KETCHUP SO ME CAN EAT YOU NOM NOM NOM NOM!

So much for hearing from both sides.

2. By telling me to "stay off the streets," Angry Black Man implied that he wants me to go to his girlfriend's bedroom so I can give her the Mendenhall option.

Yes. This must be it. By saying that we're going to discuss my "life span," he meant that he would teach me how to "last" longer so I could satisfy his girlfriend.

Phew. I'm relieved I can go out on the streets again.

3. Rosie O'Donnell is skinny. Very skinny. I just have a hard time believing a woman can eat so many cheeseburgers and tip the scale at 2,500 lbs.

See, I'm safe with this theory. If I'm wrong and Fat Rosie gets hungry, I can just distract her with a #TastyMarshmallow.