Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011

Jerks of the Week for May 16, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Conspiracy Theorists

Writing online is great because of the instant feedback. Unlike publishing a book or working for a newspaper, I can instantly get praised or slammed for something just seconds after posting it.

That was the case in my Jerk of the Year rant about Rashard Mendenhall. About an hour after publishing it, I received an e-mail from a former military person, thanking me for calling out Mendenhall for being a complete ignorant moron. Throughout the week, I obtained several other e-mails and Facebook messages that sounded pretty similar.

And then there was the other end of the spectrum. Some people, mainly those in the comment section of that particular Jerks of the Week entry, berated me for criticizing Mendenhall because of his right to free speech. This was hypocritical, because in doing so, they were attacking me for my free speech. I guess that's what happens when people sniff glue for five hours and then proceed to use the Internet.

Meanwhile, there were a handful of crazy people who actually believed Mendenhall's claims that a plane couldn't have possibly destroyed the World Trade Center. Two guys, Adam and Lamar, flooded my Facebook wall with ridiculous conspiracy theories. Here were some of their posts:

Mendenhall was right: 9/11 was an Inside Job by the American Govt. Just research the facts before you start trashing me. Research Building 7 of the World Trade Center. It was a controlled demolition by the Govt.

Walter- the govt has been using Bin Laden as a boogieman for years on us..he is a hoax!!! as is Obama- wake up sheeple!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you read what rockefeller states in his own memoris ??? Are you just dont lik being called a sheeple?

Im sorry but there is no way on gods green earth that a cave dweller with little flying experince on a single engine Cesna was able to perfectly fly a Boeing 757 at 500+ MPH and crash land it PERFECTLY into the side of the worlds most safest building...do you?

I just want you guys to remember when the $ no longer the worlds reserve currency by the end of next year and America is a 3rd world country, you will remember this very here post....And I now have more respect for Rasard Mendenhall then ever, ever b4!

I nearly lost my mind reading crap like this over the first two days of the week. I never get angry about anything, but I finally snapped on Wednesday:

I've had enough of this nonsense. Every few years, there's a new conspiracy theory that dopes like Lamar and Adam buy into. "America is done!" they chant. And they are always wrong. Fortunately, other idiots buy into these retarded conspiracy theories, which drives the market down a bit. That's when the smart people buy stocks and eventually make lots of money when the market rebounds. It always rebounds.

When the dollar is not in shambles at the end of the year, Adam, Lamar, and others of their ilk will crawl back into their holes and wait until the next moronic, unfounded conspiracy surfaces so they can blindly follow that like the "sheeple" they truly are.

Two quick notes about conspiracy theorists:

1. Conspiracy theorists exist only because these people realize that their existence in the universe is so small and insignificant, that they need to believe there is some omnipotent puppet master pulling all of the strings. It's essentially like some religion - except little boys don't get molested.

2. As you may have noticed, they like to use made-up words like "sheeple." This makes them feel important. They think of these dumb words while eating Cheetos and whacking off to beastiality porn in their parents' basement.

Having said that, I wish I didn't get so mad because Adam and Lamar actually did me a favor. Later that night when I was in the shower - calm down, ladies - I really did some thinking, and I've come up with an awesome conspiracy theory of my own.

Following in the footsteps of the Fall of the Republic creators, I've compiled an extensive documentary, using seemingly impressive, but bogus sources and flashy images.

Behold, my awesome documentary, Rise of the Alien Squirrels!

Narrator: Squirrels. Small rodents that roam our streets. They dig into our trash. They pick up acorns. They climb trees. They're insignificant pests.

Or are they...?



Narrator: Have you ever wondered why all squirrels look the same? You're not alone. Have you ever wondered why there are no fat squirrels? No small squirrels? No baby squirrels? You're not alone. Have you ever wondered where squirrels go at night or during the winter? You're not alone.

*** Close up of the narrator ***

Narrator: Have you ever wondered if squirrels are aliens who plan on taking over the world? If so, you're definitely not alone.

*** Eerie music ***

Confusing voices in the background: Squirrels. Aliens. Squirrels. Acorns. They look the same. No baby squirrels. No fat squirrels. No squirrels at night. Squirrels. Aliens. Squirrels. Acorns.

Narrator: Where did squirrels come from? What is their purpose here? What do they have in store for us?

Adam Dee, author of the book, "All Cheetahs Worship Satan": Why is no one asking these questions? Where do squirrels go during the winter? They don't appear to have wings, so they don't fly south. They don't live in nests. They don't live underground like groundhogs. Where do they go?

*** Eerie music ***

Narrator: The answer may not be below, as in a hole. It might just be above... as in the sky.

Lamar Savitch, author of the book, "Your Toaster Could Be Your Soulmate": It really puzzles me that no one realizes how similar squirrels and aliens look... The only question I have is, "Which planet did the squirrels come from?"



Lamar Savitch: They both have gray skin. They both have deep, black eyes. It's only a matter of time before people begin noticing this, and it's only a matter of time before they enslave us all.

Alex Jones, author of the book, "Don't Eat That Pepperoni Pizza - It Could Be Possessed": Squirrels don't have an alien ship in space. They have an armada of alien ships in space. There's no questioning that. Satellites detected something a few weeks ago. Was it a weather balloon? A helicopter? Or... a fleet of squirrel warships?

*** Eerie music ***

Narrator: But who is behind all this? Who is allowing the squirrels to roam our streets?



Narrator: Could the U.S. President be involved? What does he know?

Confusing voices in the background: Squirrels. Aliens. Squirrels. Acorns. Obama. Teleprompter.

Rashard Mendenhall: There are two schools of thought. One, Barack Obama has a deal with the Squirrel Emperor. The squirrels provide all the energy he'll need to fake more terrorist attacks, and he lets squirrels collect their acorns. The second is much scarier. It's that Obama is a squirrel himself. That would explain his fake birth certificate.

*** Eerie music ***

Narrator: But what is the purpose of collecting these acorns? What does the Squirrel Emperor plan to do with them?

Tom Cruise, author of the book, "Mermaids Will Take Over the World in the 27th Century": Scientists have proven that a single acorn can light up a city for eight years. Imagine what the Squirrel Emperor is doing with hundreds of acorns. He is planning to destroy this planet with his acorn energy.

*** Eerie music ***

Narrator: How long do we have until the squirrels destroy us all? Can our civilization survive? What can we do to stop the squirrels? Buy the full-length DVD copy of Rise of the Alien Squirrels, available for $19.95 on Amazon.com, to find out!

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Crosswalkers

I did stupid things when I was a kid. When I was really young, I smeared cream all over my bedroom wall because it seemed like a good idea at the time. When I was 8, my friend Josh and I fired "cherry bombs" - cherries that we unsuccessfully tried to light on fire with matches - at school buses. And when I was 12, I nearly attempted to diagonally cross a busy intersection on my bike because I didn't understand the concept of crosswalks.

Fortunately, I was with my friends at that moment, and they taught me that you have to cross a busy intersection one street at a time. No wonder I was never invited into the mentally gifted class.

Yes, I was retarded, but I was also a kid. And besides, I know plenty of adults who don't know how to use crosswalks. In fact, I saw three last Monday.

I was on my way to the mechanic to get my headlights fixed - more on that later - when this fat Mexican lady held up the entire intersection because she decided to cross the street when the parallel drivers had a left-turn arrow. The drivers weren't able to turn left because it took her about a minute to wobble over to the opposing sidewalk, so they were stuck in the intersection when the light turned green.

What seemed like hours later, I stopped at the next intersection. I spotted this hot Mexican chick standing on the corner. I'm lucky the light was red because I definitely would have crashed my car trying to check her out while driving.

The light turned green, but I couldn't drive because the hot Mexican chick decided to cross the street in front of me.

Look, I know they don't have any traffic lights or cars in Mexico, but when you sneak into this country illegally, you should at least ask someone how crosswalks work. People say that deer and people on cell phones cause the most vehicular accidents. I disagree. It's illegal immigrants who don't know how to cross the road.

Americans, meanwhile, know how to cross the street. We just do so violently.

On my way back from the mechanic, I stopped at a red light about two minutes away from my house (Bustleton and Byberry, if you live in the Philly area). A car in the lane to my right zoomed past me, blatantly running the red light. This prevented some woman from turning left even though she was halfway into the intersection. She tried to back up her vehicle, but there were already people behind her.

This poor female driver was blocking the crosswalk. Now, this wouldn't be an issue for any sane person. Unfortunately, this ridiculous-looking woman was crossing the street at that very moment. She was an old, fat lady with a white afro. She was wearing a royal blue baseball cap and a light blue t-shirt. She was also carrying two paper bags, presumably concealing bottles of liquor.

When the old hag approached the aforementioned car, she could have just gone around a little bit. Instead, she angrily slammed her fist on the hood of the car twice. She then yelled something at the female driver and continued her journey across the street.

There was no reason for her to be so angry. Unless, of course, she was drunkenly venting her frustration about the pharmacy being sold out of afro combs.

My light eventually turned green, and I drove home. Luckily, I didn't run over any Mexican chicks in the process.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Russian Mechanics

As promised, I'm going to discuss my interesting trip to the mechanic.

I had a headlight problem. First of all, my left headlight wasn't working. More seriously, the glass protecting the headlight was cracked, so I needed that fixed. There's a mechanic right next to my mom's dental office, so she told me that she spoke to them. They asked me to come in around 3, and that's exactly what I did.

I pulled into the mechanic, and I immediately recognized that it was a shady Russian operation. How did I know this? Well, there were angry-looking people with slicked-back hair wearing track suits and smoking cigarettes. All shady Russians wear track suits, gel their hair back and smoke cigarettes. Fact.

Suddenly, this Russian version of Lurch approached my car.

Russian Lurch: Vhat you vant?

Me: Umm... I was supposed to get my headlight fixed.

Russian Lurch: Go cross zee street.

At least that's what I think he said. I looked behind me and noticed a building with a sign that said, "Credit Repair! Hair Salon! Computer repair!" All in one building, eh? Yeah, that's not a front for a Russian drug cartel, or anything.

Before Russian Lurch was able to kick me out, the owner of the place approached me.

Owner: Who send you?

Me: My mom spoke to you earlier. I have to get my headlight fixed.

Owner: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Your mazher say you come.

I handed Russian Lurch my car keys. He pulled my car into the shop and began tinkering with the headlight. After about five minutes, I started to get restless.

Me: How long do you think this will take?

Russian Lurch: Yes.

What? Since when did that become a yes-or-no question? I asked again.

Me: No, I mean how long do you think it'll take you to fix this?

Russian Lurch: Yes.

Ugh. I thought about asking a third time, but I noticed this shady bald guy in a blue track suit leering at me. Was I asking Russian Lurch questions I wasn't supposed to? I thought I'd lighten the mood by saying hello.

Me: Hey, how ya doing?

Bald Man: ...

Bald Man said nothing. He scowled back. I was about to s*** my pants out of fear, when the owner approached me again.

Owner: Vill be ready een 15 minutes.

I went over to my mom's lab to kill some time. Fifteen minutes later, I walked back to the mechanic.

Owner: Car fix. I need to call junkyard to see how much part is cost.

Me: OK. How much do I owe you?

Owner: I call you.

Now, I know what you're thinking - this guy is cool with me owing him money? I don't have to pay him at all right?

See, that just shows me that you know nothing about Russians. If I don't pay him within several days of that phone call, Russian Lurch will put a Russian horse's head in my bed. And chances are the horse's head will have a cigarette in its mouth.