Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011

Jerks of the Week for May 30, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Me

I did a ton of drinking in my six years at Penn State. Not so much early on, but I went out four nights a week during my super-senior and super-duper senior years. I even got smashed hours before one of my finals in my last semester. I'll post that epic story some other time.

I've mentioned this before, but I haven't done much drinking since my Penn State days because running this site takes up most of my time. Last weekend was an exception, however, because I had three separate alcohol-related events. One was my friend Adrienne's party. I had a good time, but because I was a drunken douche, others may not be able to say the same thing.

I guess it all started as soon as I arrived to the party. Adrienne had a bowl of vodka gummy worms on the table, and I stuffed about three dozen of them into my mouth. About an hour later, I was playing beer pong with my friend Josh. Josh suddenly started talking to some girl that I referred to as Snow White Chick the entire evening (because she looked like Snow White, in case you're wondering). Thanks to Snow White Chick, Josh stopped paying attention to the game.

Me: Come on dude, take your damn shot.

Josh: Whoops.

Distracted by Snow White Chick, Josh launched his ping pong ball 10 yards over the table. When his turn came around again, I had to wait another five minutes.

Me: Dude, I'm going to find another partner soon.

Josh (quietly): I think she wants to bang.

Me: Nice. Now f***ing shoot already and do that after the game.

Josh: I may have to drive her home to Lower Merion though.

Note that Lower Merion is at least 40 minutes away from Adrienne's house.

Me: Ugh, dude, that's so not worth it.

While Josh was talking quietly, I was drunkenly shouting without noticing it - and Snow White Chick overheard me and shot me a mean look.

Me: Umm...

*** Silence ***

Me: I didn't mean... I mean... uhh...

*** Silence ***

Me: Damn it. I need some more gummy worms.

Just to be clear, I didn't mean that Snow White Chick wasn't worth a 40-minute drive. In my drunken state, I thought Josh was going to drive 40 minutes to her house that night and risk a DUI. I didn't realize that he wanted to bring her back to my house and take her home the following morning.

I tried to say nice things to Snow White Chick the rest of the night like, "My, what pretty eyes you have." She either shot me dirty looks or ignored me, perhaps angry that I was referencing the wrong fairy tale. She also stopped talking to Josh, so that was some major rooster blockage on my part.

About an hour later, this semi-fat chick walked into the party. Josh, my other friend Andrew and I were hovering near the gummy worms when we noticed her.

Andrew: One of us should go talk to her.

Me: Nose goes!

I quickly touched my nose. Andrew did as well seconds later. Josh, meanwhile, didn't know what the hell was going on.

Andrew: Looks like you have to go talk to her.

Josh: Why? Why are you guys touching your noses?

*** I explained the "nose goes" concept to Josh. ***

Josh: What the hell is that all about? The person who touches their nose first should have to go.

Me: What? How does that make any sense?

Andrew: Yeah, you lost because you didn't touch your nose, so you have to go talk to her.

Josh: Ugh. Fine.

Josh spoke with Semi-Fat Chick for two minutes when I suddenly noticed a mosquito hovering around Andrew's face. I tried swatting at it, but my accuracy wasn't very good at that moment. Adrienne must have been wondering what the hell I was doing because she briskly walked over and grabbed Semi-Fat Chick.

Adrienne: Hey, let me introduce you to some cooler people.

OK, Adrienne didn't say that, but Andrew, Josh and I thought it would be hilarious if she did. The point is that I once again rooster blocked my best friend of 23 years, though I don't think he was too upset about losing a chance to sleep with Semi-Fat Chick.

Later in the night, Adrienne approached me with some important news.

Adrienne: Guess what? Crazy Horse Girl is coming to the party!

Me: Nice!

Adrienne: Really? I thought you'd be upset about it.

Me: No way. I love awkward situations. If anything, I can make a new Jerks of the Week entry about it.

I spotted Crazy Horse Girl about an hour later. She was talking to some people I didn't know, so I didn't go over, instead opting to play some awesome numbers drinking game with my fantasy football friends, Injured Reserve, Man-Eaters, Trojan Kegs, and Trojan Kegs' girlfriend Jaime.

We were in the middle of a round when Adrienne's brother Will made a startling announcement:

Will: Josh and Crazy Horse Girl are hooking up on my couch!

My best friend and my greatest equine-based enemy? How could this be? I thought about running in and informing Josh that he was hooking up with a previous Jerk of the Week, but I figured that I had done enough rooster blocking for the night. See? I'm not a total jerk.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Josh

I mentioned that Josh has been my best friend for 23 years. He can be a jerk sometimes though, particularly when it comes to punctuality and athletic competition. In fact, I met him when he, our mutual friend Joey and I played freeze tag on his cul-de-sac when we were 5. I recall Josh cheating during the game, prompting me to call him "selfish," even though I didn't even know what that word meant back then.

Anyway, Josh called me a few hours before Adrienne's party:

Josh: Hey, what time are you going over to Adrienne's party?

Me: I don't know, 8:15 or 8:30 maybe.

Josh: OK, I'm going to jog and then drive up to your place at 8:10 because I don't know how to get to Adrienne's house.

Josh lives in downtown Philly - I hate downtown Philly - which is about 25 minutes away from my house. You'd think he'd leave his apartment at 7:45-7:55, right? Nope. Not Josh.

My phone rang at 8:20.

Me: Hey, where are you?

Josh: I just got onto I-95, so I should be there in 20 minutes.

Me: What the hell, man?

Josh: Sorry, I had to eat lunch with my mom and I couldn't jog as early as I wanted to.

Me: Ugh. Can't you just meet us at Adrienne's party?

Josh: I don't know where it is, and I won't know many people there so I don't want to walk in by myself.

Me: It's not a big deal.

Josh: It'll be all weird if I go in by myself!

Me: Fine. Just get here as soon as you can.

Josh: I'll speed down I-95. I'll be there in no time, I promise.

Yeah, right. Before I knew it, it was 8:50, and Josh still wasn't at my house. That's when Josh called me for the third time.

Me: Dude, what happened to speeding down I-95?

Josh: Uhh... yeah, I hadn't left my house when I called you before.

Me: WHAT!? Where are you?

Josh: I'm like five minutes away from your house. I swear this time.

Me: I don't believe you.

Josh: Trust me, I'm five minutes away. Where's Adrienne's house? We can just meet there.

Me: WHAT THE HELL!!!! YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO COME HERE FIRST!!!!

Josh: Yeah, but it might be faster if we meet there.

Me: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASTER IF YOU JUST HAD LEFT YOUR APARTMENT ON TIME!!!!

Josh: Calm down, bra. We're only going to be an hour late.

Hey, I don't drink often, so every hour counts for me. So that's why I was pissed.

At any rate, as I previously mentioned, Josh was my beer pong partner at the beginning of the night. We won four games, but ultimately lost when Snow White Chick distracted Josh. It was eventually my turn to play again. Josh was talking to some girl, so I asked my friend Melissa if she wanted to be my partner. She accepted.

Melissa and I were on our second game when Josh noticed that I was playing beer pong without him. He walked to the beer pong table:

Josh: You're playing beer pong without me!?

Me: You were talking to some chick, so I found a new partner.

Josh: Ugh. Fine. Just let me take a celebrity shot.

Me: No way.

Josh: Come on bra!

Me: No. You're going to miss, and then you're going to ask for another shot, and then another until you make it into the cup after like 20 tries.

Josh: No, I'll just do one shot.

Me: No you won't.

Josh: I promise.

Me: I don't believe you.

Josh: I swear I'll make it.

Me: No.

Josh: I'll bet you $10 I'll make it.

Me: No!

Josh: IT'S JUST ONE F***ING SHOT!

Me: I SAID NO!!!

Josh: IT'S JUST ONE F***ING SHOT DUDE, JUST LET ME TAKE IT! I SWEAR I'LL MAKE IT!

Me: YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANYTHING!

Josh: I BET YOU ANYTHING I'LL MAKE THIS!

Me: Fine. Whatever. I give up.

Josh grabbed the ping pong ball out of my hand. As he launched it at the cups, I waved my hands to indicate that his shot didn't count. Josh promptly air-balled it way over the table.

Josh: DUDE I WANT ANOTHER SHOT!

Me: ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?

Josh: YOU WAVED IT OFF AND SAID IT DIDN'T COUNT. I WANT A SHOT THAT COUNTS!!!

Me: WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? YOU MISSED. WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF IT COUNTED OR NOT!?

Josh: COME ON BRA, GIVE ME A F***ING SHOT THAT COUNTS! I SWEAR I'LL MAKE IT!

This argument continued for another few minutes. Eventually, Melissa and the other team grew tired of our fight and started yelling at Josh. Josh gave up and walked away.

What was the word I used when I was 5? Selfish? Man, I didn't know what that word meant back then, but I definitely had some phenomenal foresight.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Ping Pong Pupil

I should mention that Crazy Horse Girl and I made up, and we are now friends on Facebook again - until our next argument, that is. But I did so much drinking over that weekend that I made it an effort to go to the gym every day the past week. As you can imagine, this allowed me to run into more weirdos than usual.

I finished a mile in the pool on Monday. I was getting changed when I overheard a middle-aged Russian man talking to an elderly American man. I will call the Russian guy "Ping Pong Pupil." You'll see why soon.

Ping Pong Pupil: How you doing my friend?

Old Man: I'm doing fine. How about yourself?

Ping Pong Pupil: I smell no good.

I swear on my life that's what Ping Pong Pupil said. I nearly burst out laughing as soon as I heard it. I'd love to start saying that to people to see what kind of reaction I would get.

At any rate, this conversation continued...

Old Man: Ah, that's too bad. Are you going to take a shower?

Ping Pong Pupil: No. I forgot my sveet svimming trunks.

Sveet svimming trunks? Yeah, I don't know either. At the time, I figured he stuttered when he was trying to say "svimming."

Anyway, Ping Pong Pupil asked the old man how warm the pool was. The old man didn't know, so I jumped into the conversation and yelled "87 degrees."

Big mistake. Ping Pong Pupil walked around the corner. He was a funny-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. He had a small afro and a Super Mario-style mustache. The only thing he was wearing were his tighty-whities; his big gut sagged over his underwear. It was a disgusting sight to say the least.

Ping Pong Pupil: How is situation in zee club?

Me: Situation?

Ping Pong Pupil: How is zis club in situation?

Me: You just made me more confused.

Ping Pong Pupil: Eh... eh... how is gym? Is pool?

Me: Oh. It's fine, I guess.

Ping Pong Pupil: Ah. I vant to go svimming but I forgot my sveet svimming trunks.

So, he did in fact say "sveet svimming trunks." I've thought about it for days, and I still can't figure out what he was talking about.

Ping Pong Pupil: I no svim today because I no have my sveet svimming trunks. I instead go play ping pong game. Do you play a ping pong game?

Me: Nah, I haven't played in a while.

Ping Pong Pupil: Oh-ho! You never play ping pong game! Ping pong is good exercise! You move around!

Ping Pong Pupil proceeded to do a jig, perhaps attempting to show me what ping pong movement looks like. Frankly, it was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Imagine watching some flabby, middle-aged man in tighty-whities dancing around. That image will haunt my dreams for years.

Ping Pong Pupil: Maybe you play ping pong game with me today?

Me: Nah, I have to go home.

Ping Pong Pupil: Ah, it is shame. I play ping pong game with Georgio today! Do you know Georgio?

Me: No.

Ping Pong Pupil: Oh-ho! Georgio is ping pong master!

Ping Pong Pupil was apparently excited to be talking about Georgio because he rubbed his gut several times. I'll remind you that he was wearing nothing but tighty-whities.

Ping Pong Pupil: I no play ping pong game for two year!

Me: Really?

Ping Pong Pupil: Yes! I vas in Canada. I visit relative.

For two years? Who is this weirdo? I didn't want to stay and find out.

Me: I have to go. I'm only here at this time because it's supposed to thunderstorm later.

Ping Pong Pupil: Vat!? Vat time is suppose to thunderstorms?

Me: Like 4:30 or 5?

Ping Pong Pupil: That is time right now!

Me: Nah, it's actually 3:45.

Ping Pong Pupil: Oh-ho! I leave car door open! I must go close car!

Ping Pong Pupil ran to his locker, grabbed his keys, put a shirt over his tighty-whities and sprinted out of the locker room with no pants or shoes on.

I don't know why he the hell would leave his freaking car door open. I'm just trying to get the image of him dancing around in his tighty-whities out of my head.