Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011

Jerks of the Week for March 28, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Hewlett-Packard

Hewlett-Packard computers have worked really well for me over the years. I've had two laptops (including the one I'm currently using) and a desktop all made by HP, and they've held up pretty well despite the fact that I've left them on 24-7, used them constantly and downloaded millions of gigabytes of porn onto them. I always thought that if the entire world were nuked, three things would survive - cockroaches, Dick Clark and my HP computers.

Unfortunately, I discovered that the monitor on my current HP laptop isn't very robust. I was perusing Twitter on Wednesday afternoon, when my screen suddenly went dark. I tried restarting my computer and increasing the brightness, but nothing happened. I could barely see anything on the screen; it was extremely dim, and I had to use a flashlight to save the documents I had open.

After making some calls and hooking up my laptop to an external monitor, I learned that my laptop needed a new inverter. I looked for one on the HP.com Web site, but couldn't find it. I then Googled it, and found this.

Forty bucks? That's not so bad. I was about to order it, but thought that I should read some reviews of the site first. I Googled "batterycentury.com reviews" and all of this negative crap came up. Dozens of people complained about the site, stating that they waited a month for their product before canceling their order. Some said that the phone number on the site constantly went to voicemail. Others noted that they tried e-mailing the site, but received an ambiguous e-mail from some woman named Cathy in Hong Kong, like this one:

Hi,

Thank you for your kind cooperation.
We are sorry we are lack of this item in our stock now.
Would you be able to wait for 12-15days?
Waiting for your reply.

Regards & Best Wishes!
Cathy

"We are lack of this item?" I'm beginning to think there's no Cathy. Instead, it's probably some Chinese criminal named Hung Wang who sells 12-year-old prostitutes as a side business.

This scared me, so I went back to the HP.com site. I searched again for an inverter, but still couldn't find one. So, I decided to contact customer services. I called the number, and as the phone rang, I prayed, "Please don't be a foreigner, please don't be a foreigner..."

My wishes weren't answered. The HP consultant was some Indian guy. Normally, Indian people are smart, but this guy was completely incompetent. I told him my problem, and he asked me to hold on for 10 minutes. Here was our conversation when he returned. You'll quickly be able to tell why he wasn't able to become a doctor:

Indian Guy: Hi, you can send your laptop in for syavice. We will fix and send back to you.

Me: See, that's the problem. I need my laptop because it's my work computer. I can't afford to send it away because all of my software and documents are on it. I was wondering if I could just buy the inverter from you guys so I could install it myself.

Indian Guy: Hold on for one second please.

*** Five minutes later ***

Indian Guy: Hi, can you please provide for me your model number please?

*** I gave him the model number. ***

Indian Guy: Let me make sure I have this correct. 3 - B as in Boy - V as in veckel - 8 - 2 - 4 - V as in veckel - X as in x-ray - Y as in Yahnkee - Q as in qveen.

V as in veckel? What the hell is a veckel?

Me: No. There are no V's. They're both E's.

Indian Guy: 3 - B as in Boy - E as in veckel...

What the f*** is a veckel!?!?!?

Me: No. No veckel. It's an E. E as in echo.

Indian Guy: E as in eckel...

Me: OK, fine. E as in eckel.

It would later dawn on me that this guy was actually saying "E as in echo," but his accent was so messed up that it sounded like "veckel" or "eckel."

Once he finally took down my correct model number, he asked me to hold on for a couple of minutes again.

Indian Guy: Hi, sorry to keep you vaiting, you can send your laptop in for syavice. We will fix and send back to you.

Me: No. I can't do that. Like I said before, I need my laptop. Can't I just buy the inverter from you?

Indian Guy: Ve do not sell the part separately but if you send in your laptop for syavice we will send back to you.

Me: Ugh. I can't do that. Why can't I just buy the part? It's only $40 on another site.

Indian Guy: If you want you can take to Best Buy or Stayples and they will send it out for syavice.

Me: But that's the same thing as sending it out to you.

Indian Guy: If you want you can buy new laptop, same model for $400.

Me: Ugh. No. Look, are you sure I can't just buy an inverter from you? What about a monitor? Can I buy a laptop monitor?

Indian Guy: No, we don't sell laptop monitor separately. If you want, you can buy same model laptop for $400.

I hung up the phone. I just couldn't take it anymore. After that horrifying conversation with the HP Indian Guy, I was almost ready to take my chances with Hung Wang.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Rebecca Black

If you haven't heard of Rebecca Black, you've been living under a rock. The 13-year-old is a YouTube star. Her music video Friday has generated 47 million views in almost two months.

Unfortunately for Rebecca, her song isn't garnering so much attention because it's great. It's actually really terrible. There are more than 700,000 dislikes compared to only 85,000 likes. In fact, her song is so bad that she actually received e-mails that said, "I hope you cut yourself and die."

Not to pile on - OK, I am piling on because I like to ridicule people - but here are some dumb things I've noticed from her video:

1. Have driving laws changed? Why are a bunch of acne-ridden, braces-wearing pre-teens driving a car? Are there no cops in this town?
   
   
2. The guy in the front - his haircut doesn't allow him to see anything. Seriously, his hair is covering his eyes. I guess if you're driving illegally, you might as well essentially be blindfolded , right?
   
   
3. The kid in the back seat is a sissy. Look at how skinny his arms are.
   
   
4. Every girl in the first car has an ugly mole on their face. Ewwwwwwww.
   
   
5. Which seat can you take? Umm... how about the only seat available? Or, you can just sit on top of the car since you're bound to get pulled over anyway.
   
   
6. Rebecca took my suggestion in her next scene, where she and her two friends (actually, one friend) are sitting on top of the car "cruising on the highway." Umm... are you trying to get yourself killed and/or thrown into a juvenile detention center?
   
   
7. "My friend is by my right." What about the other ugly chick wearing braces to your left? Is she not your friend? I sense a catfight coming.
   
   
8. I nearly suffered a seizure between the 2:06 and 2:26 mark of the video. Do you really need the intense, nosebleed-inducing strobe lighting?
   
   
9. "Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. Today is Friday, Friday ... Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwaaaards." Ah, so that's why my second-grade teacher gave me an F on that one test. Sunday comes after Saturday; not the other way around. Stupid! Stupid!!!
   
   
10. About the random rapper:
    
    A) Is it just me, or is it a tad creepy that a grown man is a guest star in this 13-year-old's music video?
    
    B) Where is the rapper driving to? As a person on YouTube wrote, "The black guy is driving to the party to rape all the girls!"
    
    C) Even if you're trying to make a name for yourself, you have to be pretty desperate to agree to be featured in a little girl's music video. I really hope for his sake that he's a friend of the family or something.
    
    D) Did you really need to check your watch to make sure that it's Friday?
    
    E) Congrats on being the worst rapper alive! "Check my time it's Friday. It's the weekend. We gonna have fun, come on, come on, y'all!" It's almost as if he's trying out for the next PaRappa the Rapper.

Just by listening to the dumb lyrics of Rebecca's song, you can tell that she's just a kid. If she were in college, her song would be called Thursday (as in thirsty Thursday).

If I wrote the song while at Penn State, it would be called Tuesday. When I was in college - particularly during my fifth and sixth years at Penn State (I changed my major when I was a senior) - I made sure I stacked all of my classes on two days. During my final couple of years, all of my classes were on Tuesday and Thursday, so I was able to go out on Tuesday and Thursday night because I didn't have to do anything the following day. What can I say? I was dedicated to going out, drinking myself into oblivion and ruining my liver.

But if Rebecca Black can make a name for herself by making a crappy song, so can I.

Here it is - the debut of my new hit single, Tuesday:

OOOOOOHHHH YEAAAA YEAAA YEAAAA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

YEAAAAAAAAH YEAAAAAAAAAAAH YEAAAAAAAAAAH YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

7 p.m. waking up in the evening
Gotta be drunk, gotta go to my liquor bottles
Gotta have my vodka, gotta have flavored rum
Drinkin' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everyone's going out
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch the bus that goes by the bar, I see a bunch of loser kids

Kickin' in the front seat is a douche with a lesbian haircut
Sittin' in the back seat is a douche with skinny arms
Gotta make my mind up
Whose a** can I kiiiiiiiiiiick?

It's Tuesday, Tuesday
Gotta get drunk on Tuesday
I'm lookin' forward to no classes tomorrow, tomorrow
Tuesday, Tuesday
Gotta get drunk on Tuesday
I'm lookin' forward to no classes tomorrow, tomorrow

Bar hoppin', bar hoppin' (Yeah)
Bar hoppin', bar hoppin' (Yeah)
Beer, vodka, rum, gin
Lookin' forward to no classes

2:45, I'm drunk on the sidewalk
Stomach feelin' crappy, I want to throw up
Puke, puke, thinkin about puke
Don't know what color it'll be
I drank too much, you drank too much
My friend is pukin' by my right (EHHH!!!)
I drank too much, he drank too much
Now you know it

Passin' out in the bushes
Passin' out in the dumpster
Gotta make my mind up
Where can I pass ooooooooooooout?

It's Tuesday, Tuesday
Got super drunk on Tuesday
Not looking forward to puking tomorrow, tomorrow
Tuesday, Tuesday
Got super drunk on Tuesday
Not looking forward to puking tomorrow, tomorrow

Hangover, hangover (Yeah)
Hangover, hangover (Yeah)
Vomit, barf, puke, bile
Not lookin' forward to throwing up

Yesterday was Monday, Monday
Today i-is Tuesday, Tuesday
I-I-I so hammered
I so hammered
I gonna have a hangover tomorrow
Tomorrow is Wednesday
And Thursday comes afterwaaards and then Friday and then Saturdaaaay and then Sunday comes after thaaaat.
I don't want this Tuesday to eeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnd!!!!

Damn it. That's all I've got. I can't go forward with my Tuesday song yet; first, I need to make some calls and find a shady rapper who enjoys molesting kids.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Crazy Horse Girl

I was browsing through my Facebook news feed the other day when something caught my eye. This hot chick I'm friends with - the same one who was being hounded by a creeper rapist at a party a few months ago - posted a petition about horses.

I'm a fan of hot chicks, but I'm really against petitions, so this was a conflict of interest.

Why do I hate petitions? Because they're a waste of time. They never work. So what if 5,000 people sign something? It's not going to get anything done. I've signed numerous petitions in an effort to save my favorite TV shows, but all my efforts were for naught. My digital signatures didn't save Flash Forward, Boston Public or Glory Daze. Even worse, my petition effort to bring back lemon Jolly Ranchers was also thwarted. My life has never been the same since the dreaded blue raspberry was introduced.

Anyway, this chick's petition was an attempt to stop horses from pulling carriages in downtown Philadelphia. An excerpt from this petition:

Horse-drawn carriages are exploitative. In order to generate a profit and provide entertainment for tourists, the horses are enslaved and forced into a brutal existence. They are forced to work on hard pavement in dangerous, unhealthful, and unnatural conditions. This is an injustice to horses, who are social beings, and who are naturally born to live with other animals and run free.

Sounds like a noble cause, right? Maybe - until you consider the following:

First, does anyone want to guess what's going to happen to these horses that are "put out of work?" I love how the petition promises the following:

We are proposing that all of the horses be put into sanctuaries so that they can enjoy some of the freedoms that they have been denied for their entire lives

Oh, really? So, who's going to pay for these fictional sanctuaries? Who's going to pay to move these horses to those sanctuaries? Who's going to pay to maintain these sanctuaries? Unless these horses begin s***ing gold coins, I don't know where is all the money going to come from.

A more realistic scenario is that these "unemployed" horses will receive a one-way ticket to the glue factory.

Second, people make a living in the horse carriage industry. If you eliminate this, you'll be putting tons of people out of work in a declining economy. Philadelphia would be losing money as well. The city is already bankrupt. You want Philly to lose even more money? Come on, someone has to pay all the welfare queens.

And third, people breed horses to work in this industry. By eliminating horse-driven carriages, there would be less of a demand for horses. So, in a sense, the author of this shortsighted petition is basically calling for horse abortions.

I tried to talk some sense into my hot friend, whom I will refer to from now on as Crazy Horse Girl. You'll see why after reading our conversation. My responses are pulled from memory; I can't see what I wrote because she unfriended me (I just realized this). Fortunately, I have her answers stored in Gmail:

Me: You should really re-consider posting this petition. You're basically murdering these horses because they'll all be sent to the glue factory.

Crazy Horse Girl: wow. you are not funny

Me: I wasn't joking. What do you think is going to happen to these horses once they're not pulling carriages? And they're bred for this anyway. If this industry is gone, there will be too many horses, so some of them will have to be put down.

Crazy Horse Girl: umm.... they BREED them for this purpose its not like there is an excess of horses, they purposely breed them for this business and its cruel. if people stop supporting it they will stop breeding them for this. duh. if you dont care about animal rights dont sign it but dont hate on me either.

Me: I disagree that this is cruel. Horses are genetically made to carry people around. What you're proposing isn't very much different than someone saying, "We shouldn't milk cows because it's cruel to them!" Whatever. On the bright side, I have some new Jerks of the Week material.

Crazy Horse Girl: if you think horses are "genetically made" to carry ppl around your are seriously closed minded. and yes it is better they are not born than to have them tortured because it is sick to breed them as if they are some kind of machines for a business. and fyi it is actually wrong to milk cows with the kind of factory farming that is done today. they arent milk machines. you sound so ridiculous im actually not sure if ur kidding or not.

It's wrong to milk cows? This chick is obviously nuts. What's next, claiming that slaughtering pigs for bacon is mean?

I'd like to take a couple of paragraphs to refute the belief that forcing horses to pull carriages is cruel. In fact, they like it. According to John Capp Jr., a horse carriage driver who would know about horses much more than any loser protestor, "Horses like pulling the carriages and when [I] select a horse, all the horses vie for attention to be picked for the assignment."

And from the Philadelphia Tours & Transportation Web site:

Our horses receive extensive training to allow them to adjust to city traffic. They work only at a walk and receive excellent care. Each horse has its own carriage driver and they become a team working together. The horses enjoy being groomed and bathed and receiving treats from their drivers. The carriages must go home by 3:30 pm each weekday. They also go home when the temperature exceeds 91 F or is below 26 F Wind Chill.

Communist hippie nut jobs like Crazy Horse Girl will disagree, but it makes sense that horses like to pull carriages. There was a similar study done on sled dogs, and it found that they are actually happier when they're asked to pull sleds. Horses probably feel happy and proud to work.

Anyway, Crazy Horse Girl sent me a private message after I told her I wouldn't argue with her anymore. I blurred out her name and picture so I wouldn't get into trouble:



I sent Crazy Horse Girl a link to the Jerks of the Week, but she never responded. But while we're on the subject, let's refute yet another one of her claims: "im pretty sure you cant legally put me on there without my consent." Facebook owns everything you write and post, so yet another invalid statement, communist.

Whatever. I think I've proven that this petition is asinine. And it's also not going to accomplish anything. The petition's aim is to get 10,000 signatures. That's it. As of this writing, they're at 1,169. Yeah, that's going to get someone's attention.



Actually, there are 1,168 signatures - because one of them is mine. No, I'm not nearly as nuts as Crazy Horse Girl; I did it for fun. I claimed to be the president of Elmer's Glue, and I wanted to seem excited about the prospect of receiving new "resources." Here's a screenshot:



If the writing's too small for you, I wrote, "I'm the President of Elmer's Glue. We are running low on resources, so I was pleased to see this petition. I'm hoping it reaches Mayor Nutter because we are running low on "supplies," if you know what I'm saying."

By the way, look at some of the names and locations of the other signatures: Thomas Fuchs, Germany; Alexandra Bokova, Czech Republic; Livia Pena, Brazil.

What a joke. They couldn't get any signatures from Philly? I'm sure corrupt mayor Michael Nutter's really going to care what Cindy Soh from Singapore thinks while he's embezzling income tax dollars after April 15.

The only person from Philadelphia with a real name on this piece of crap is some chick named Yelena, who writes, "It is extremely cruel to the horses, they are too smart and gentle to be used as entertainment."

Ah, now it all makes sense. I'm finally convinced that this is all wrong. Horses are indeed too smart to pull carriages. They should be at MIT solving math problems. They should be working for NASA, trying to figure out how to put a man (or a horse) on Mars. They should be professors at Ivy League schools.

And in their spare time, horses can start petitions to stop people from torturing cows by milking them. Because, as we all know, cows are just not smart and gentle enough to create petitions.