Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011

Jerks of the Week for Oct. 3, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Jerks of the Mall

This isn't the first time I've written about Jerks of the Mall. There were the 12 Jerks of Christmas and others about a month later, including one kid whom I called the Poop-Poop Train.

I went to Neshaminy Mall 10 days ago to buy stuff for my sister's birthday. I was actually surprised by the lack of jerks I saw there. There were only three. I spotted one fat kid in the food court who was walking around and pretending like he was a zombie. There was also a pirate sitting on the bench outside of Barnes & Noble. Old pirates and fat zombies - and we still have four weeks until Halloween.

There was also a strange dude at Barnes & Noble. I was in the TV show aisle because my sister wanted DVDs of Cheers. I was looking for that particular show when this old guy, who was also browsing through the DVD section, started quickly muttering to himself, "magnet, magnet, magnet, magnet, magnet."

It was pretty weird. He was a man in his 60s who had the skinniest legs I've ever seen, and the high tube socks he was wearing weren't doing him any favors. He also smelled like a rotten hoagie. And I'm not sure what "magnet, magnet, magnet, magnet, magnet" was all about. Was he looking for a show named Magnet, or was he using a magnet to find a particular DVD? Or did he just escape from the mental hospital? Nothing would have surprised me at that point.

At any rate, I found Cheers, but since I'm like Eric Cartman and need to purchase gifts for myself on other people's birthdays, I kept scouring through the DVD aisle to see if there was anything I wanted to buy. I went through the shows beginning with D, and then E, and then F and G. I got to H, and something immediately caught my eye. A DVD of Hey Dude.

There's something you need to understand. Hey Dude was my favorite show when I was between 9 and 11 years old. Check out the opening credits to see how cool it was.

And yes, that's THE Christine Taylor, as in Ben Stiller's wife. She and Kelly Brown (who played Brad) were both super hot, so the show is worth checking out just for that. Also, the older woman Lucy, played by Debrah Kalman, was someone I ignored as a pre-teen because she was so much older. I watched the first two episodes the other night, and when I saw her, I thought, "Hmm... I didn't think she was hot when I was a kid, but I'd hit that."

Now that you see how cool Hey Dude was, you'll understand what I did next. Super excited that Hey Dude was finally out on DVD after all of these years, I shouted, "Holy s***, Hey Dude!!"

I rushed toward the Hey Dude DVD so I could grab it as quickly as possible. I wasn't taking any chances. But as I did this, I knocked Magnet Man out of the way; the force I applied on his skinny body made him stumble into the adjacent shelf.

Today, I was a Jerk of the Mall. But you know what? I'm willing to live with that because there's a Hey Dude disc in my DVD player.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Lifeguards

I went to my new gym after the mall. My friend lifeguard, whom I wrote about in the Jerks of the Week entry in the link, can't work weekdays now because of college, so there have been random lifeguards at the pool. This has been both good and bad.

It's been good because most of the lifeguards working at the pool now are chicks. It's bad, however, because I keep striking out with them.

On this particular Friday, some blond girl I'd never seen before was watching over the pool. Her face was meh, but she had nice legs, so I was naturally falling in love with her. I tried to have a dialogue with her, but that attempt failed:

Me: How cold is the pool today?

Lifeguard with Nice Legs: 79 degrees.

Me: Holy crap, that's cold.

*** Lifeguard with Nice Legs shrugged her shoulders. ***

Me: Why is it so cold?

*** Lifeguard with Nice Legs shrugged her shoulders. ***

Me: If I didn't need to work out, I think I'd just hop into the hot tub instead.

*** Lifeguard with Nice Legs shrugged her shoulders. ***

Me: Well, I'm going in. If I start freezing to death and can't move, please save me.

*** Lifeguard with Nice Legs shrugged her shoulders. ***

She didn't say anything! At least say something, Lifeguard with Nice Legs. Anything! A "yeah" would have sufficed. A "meh" would have been OK. Even a "get the hell away from me, fat a**hole creep" would have made me feel better than an indifferent shrug.

Whatever. I swam a mile and survived, and then went into the hot tub. I showed her!

The following week, an attractive friend of mine was lifeguarding. I won't say her name because I don't want to get her into trouble, but she's not exactly the biggest fan of her job. For example, I texted her prior to going to the gym:

Me: Hey, how cold is the pool today?

Friend Lifeguard: 79.

Me: Still? Are there ice cubes floating in the pool?

Friend Lifeguard: I wish! Then everyone would just leave and I'd be able to go home.

For those of you who think I'm a wuss, well, I am. Look, I'm an old, fat man. I like my swimming pools to be 88 degrees or warmer. Maybe 86 on a hot day. Anything below that is simply unacceptable.

Still, I needed to work out because I sit in front of the computer all day, so I manned up and went over to the gym. My friend was shocked to see me. After talking to her for a couple of minutes, I walked over to the pool. I immediately saw a Band-Aid floating in the water, which disgusted me because kids take swimming lessons there. Kids often carry diseases like the flu, Chicken Pox or AIDS, so I wasn't taking any chances. I went to my friend for help.

Me: Hey, there's a Band-Aid floating in the water.

Friend Lifeguard: So?

Me: So? So!? It's disgusting!

Friend Lifeguard: Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Me: Hmm... I don't know, take it out?

Friend Lifeguard: Ugh, Walt, I don't feel like it.

Me: Come on!

Friend Lifeguard: Look, the net is right there. Do it yourself.

See what I have to deal with? I grabbed the net and tried to scoop the Band-Aid out, but it didn't reach far enough. Smelly Swim Coach, who was there at the time, tried to get my attention.

Smelly Swim Coach: Make big!

Me: What?

Smelly Swim Coach: Make big Make big! Make big!

Me: Make big? How do I make the pole bigger?

Smelly Swim Coach: Push! Push! Push!

I tried pushing the pole, but nothing happened. After failing, Smelly Swim Coach took the net out of my hand and twisted something to make the pole longer. Yeah, thanks for confusing the words "twist" and "push."

Smelly Swim Coach plopped the net into the pool. However, he wasn't aiming for the Band-Aid. I looked over, and saw that he was trying to scoop a big, black bug into the net. He was successful in his attempt and shouted, "Whoopa!"

Stupid Smelly Swim Coach. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I'd rather have a big, black bug floating around in the pool than an AIDS Band-Aid.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Spanish Heritage Month

It's a slow week if an e-mailer doesn't accuse me of being racist. For example, I received the following message last week from a Cole M.:

You call Michael Vick QB Dog Killer. Why dont you call roethlisberger The Woman Raper? Youre racist?

My response:

Because Roethlisberger was never convicted? You know, because you're innocent until proven guilty in this country?

Just a small difference. And there's also the fact that police checked Roethlisberger's accuser for male DNA and found none, which is why they weren't able to charge him with anything. I love how people ignore that.

Whatever. I'm not here to rant about QB Dog Killer or Big Ben again. I do want to discuss this Spanish Heritage Month that ESPN and NBC has been shoving down our throats all September.

For those who don't watch football, ESPN and NBC have made countless efforts to remind us all about Spanish Heritage Month during the football broadcasts. This wouldn't be so terrible if they didn't spell out the team names in the box score in Spanish and even have Hank Williams (the guy who sings, "Are you ready for some football?") do a version of his song in Spanish.

I was fed up with this. In my NFL Power Rankings, I wrote the following:

Is anyone else sick of that stupid Spanish Heritage Month crap that the NFL, ESPN and NBC put us through? Hank Williams sang in Spanish, for crying out loud!

Well, don't be too happy that September is quickly coming to an end because the NFL, ESPN NBC will celebrate Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean, Bisexual Heritage Month in October. At ESPN and NBC, making every race, even half-Norwegian, half-Korean, bisexuals, feel good about themselves is extremely important.

Speaking of Spanish Heritage Month, I have to wonder if [Jets quarterback] Mark Sanchez ever gets annoyed by it. Like, it'd be nice if they had a Fat Football Web Site Owner Heritage Month at first, but it'd get old pretty quickly.

What does one do during Spanish Heritage Month anyway? I know nothing about Spanish heritage. I'm sure there's bull riding and quesadillas involved, or something. I guess I'm the wrong person to ask because I only two Spanish words: taco and bell.

Naturally, one a**hole took offense to this. His name is Perry P. and he goes to a prominent college in Tennessee. I won't give you his last name for privacy purposes, but I searched a history of his surname, and it originates from North Wales. Naturally, someone whose ancestry stems from North Wales should be offended by something negative said about Spanish Heritage Month.

Here's Perry P's e-mail:

I'm writing to express my intense dissatisfaction with your comments regarding Spanish Heritage Month that appeared in your power rankings this week.

It would appear to me that these comments are the effect of the ignorance that Spanish Heritage Month is designed to combat. I'm truly sorry if that is all you really know about Spanish culture, but I based your comments I feel as though you could gain a lot from this month. These comments weren't clever or funny, they were ignorant and borderline racist. I'm sorry to say that I've been a daily viewer of your site for about five years and that I can no longer continue to support your website in light of these comments.

I also don't see why celebrating other cultures is a problem. The more we can educate ourselves about the people we live with, the better we'll all be for it. This country was founded by immigrants and we have a duty and obligation to educate ourselves as to the different cultures that exist in this country we all call home. The goal of heritage months isn't to "make every race feel good about themselves", it's to enlighten people so that ignorant comments like yours don't continue to permeate conversation in this country.

The final part of his e-mail was hilarious. I need to give you a screenshot to prove that he actually wrote the following:



Wow! So there isn't some island in the Pacific Ocean where all bisexuals come from? Mind blown!

Seriously, what the hell? I have several points to make about this:

1. First of all, it's a joke. I know there's more stuff about Spanish Heritage than bull riding and quesadillas. Who could forget delicious tacos, burritos and Tostitos? And then there's weed. Mexicans make some outstanding weed.

2. Leave it to a young, white male to be offended by this. I have many Hispanic friends, and none of them really care because they know I'm kidding around. But no, a young, white male must save the world from racist a**holes like me because the minorities can't stick up for themselves. Isn't that a bit racist in itself? By that reasoning, if anyone is racist, it's Perry P.

3. Why does any race need a heritage month anyway? Perry P. says it's to "educate ourselves about the people we live with." Save for the Mexican guy I have stashed in my basement closet, I don't live with any Hispanic people. So why do I need to learn about that culture? Even if I did live with Mexicans and Spaniards, why would I need to know about their culture anyway? It's not like I'm going to convert to Mexicanism and celebrate Mexican Christmas.

4. On a related note, why don't other races have heritage months? There's Black History Month in February, but that's all I know of. What about Native American Heritage Month? How about Icelandic Heritage Month? And then there's the all-important Canadian Heritage Month. I'm sure Perry P. would love nothing more than to educate everyone about hockey, organ-I-zations, and weddings where the bride and groom dip their arms in butterscotch pudding. I wonder if that's "borderline" racist?

5. I wrote back to Perry P., blaming his liberal collegiate environment for planting these idealistic thoughts into his head. Of course, I joked around in the e-mail, writing the following as my final paragraph:

I hope you're not racist against Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals. Those people are always the subject of ridicule, and they definitely deserve a heritage month of their own so we can become educated about them.

And so it has been decided. October shall now forever been known as Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month.

I just hope there's not another fat Web site owner out there who'll make fun of half-Norwegian, half-Korean bisexuals in his power rankings.