Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011

Jerks of the Week for Aug. 29, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Bubble Bobble

I haven't seen the fat ladies at my gym pool in a very long time. That's because I haven't been to that gym in months. I know some of you might be disappointed, but I've joined a new gym.

Now, before anyone sends me hate/depressed e-mail about this, let me point out that I'm still a member at my old gym. Why join a second gym then? Four simple reasons:

1. My new gym is basically right around the corner from my new house. My old gym was a lot closer to me at my old place, but now it's a good 12-minute drive with an annoying intersection (Bustleton and Byberry) to navigate through during rush hour.

2. I like to go swimming in the afternoon during the summer - since it's hot, it's obviously nice to jump into a pool - but my old gym closes its pool between 9 and 5 on weekdays because of stupid camp.

3. The new gym actually has hot chicks. Not just fat ladies and old dudes in the locker room with their wrinkly balls flopping around; there are actually attractive women!

Seriously, the first time I saw a hot chick at the pool, I was extremely confused.

Me: Uhh... umm... uhh... umm...

Hot Chick: Yes?

Me: What... are you?

Hot Chick: I am a hot girl!

Me: Uhh... umm... uhh... umm... I would like to extend to you, an invitation to the pants party.

Hot Chick: Excuse me?

Me: The pants. The party... with the pants.

OK, it didn't exactly go like that. She was wearing a Penn State swim cap, so that gave me an opportunity to talk to her. Unfortunately, I was too mesmerized by seeing a hot chick at the pool that I didn't really pay attention to what she said. Something about patches, or a patch, I think? I found her quite interesting.

4. I don't want to be eaten by a fat woman at the pool. Is that too much to ask?

I went back to my old gym this past Tuesday because the pool at my new gym was closed for repairs. To my surprise, there were no fat women wading in the pool or wobbling on the deck. Perhaps they noticed that I stopped coming and went hunting for game elsewhere.

I jumped into an empty lane and began my mile. About a quarter of the way through, I spotted what looked to be a corpse by one of the walls. I stopped to make sure the old man was OK.

Me: Hey man, are you all right?

Man: I blow bubbles!

He said this in a very thick, Russian accent. Apparently, instead of swimming laps like a normal person, his workout regimen consists of submerging himself underwater and blowing bubbles. They should do this on the Biggest Loser. They'll be down to sub-200 pounds in no time.

Let's call this guy Bubble Bobble, as homage to the awesome, old Nintendo game. Several laps later, Bubble Bobble was now sitting underwater with one leg crossed over the other. I just had to ask...

Me: Are you still blowing bubbles?

Bubble Bobble: Yes, I blow bubbles yeeesssss!!!

His "yeeessssss" seriously lasted like five seconds. It was ridiculous - but not as ridiculous as what happened several minutes later. During one of my laps, I nearly crashed into Bubble Bobble because he left the wall and was floating in the center of the lane. I stopped inches short of smashing into him.

Me: Dude, can you please move to the side, or back to the wall?

Bubble Bobble: Yes, I blow bubbles!

And with that, I now have a fifth reason for joining a new gym.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: The Black Belt of 2020

The day before I encountered Bubble Bobble, I was told the pool at my new gym would be undergoing maintenance all week. The pool water was super cloudy, so this gave me an opportunity to go to the front desk.

I'm a fan of my new gym's front desk because the chick who has been working there the past two weeks is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She's a blonde with a really pretty face and a great body. I'm not completely sure what her name is, but that's not important because I'm in love with her. I actually think her name is Sarah, or something - I heard her answer the phone, "Hi this is ***** Gym, Sarah speaking" - but this may have been a ruse to keep me from Facebook stalking her. Damn it all.

At any rate, I told her the pool water was cloudy, and she then relayed the message to her boss. I thought about talking to her some more, but the phone rang, so I left. As I was walking to my car, I noticed the dumbest bumper sticker ever on a blue van in the parking lot. Words won't do it justice, so I found it via a Google search:



Future Black Belt? What kind of bulls*** is that? You haven't accomplished anything. You hope to accomplish something, but since you've yet to do crap, you don't deserve a f***ing sticker.

I just can't believe how stupid this is. First of all, when do you plan on becoming a black belt? The word "future" isn't specific. It could mean next month, or the year 2020. What if you're cryogenically frozen, wake up in the year 3058 when the alien Zarlox is ruling our planet, and get your black belt then? I suppose that counts, right? What a load of crap.

And second, you don't see any parents putting stickers on their cars that say "My son is a future high school graduate" or anything. Too many people here want credit for stuff they haven't accomplished. That's why our country is going to hell. The stupid, snot-nose a**hole kids who want to be black belts without working hard at becoming black belts will be the same douche bags who grow up and leach off the government.

But I digress. I'm thinking about making the following stickers so I could put them on my car:

1. Future Billionaire:

One of my goals is to become a billionaire. According to these pious Future Black Belt people, I can declare myself a Future Billionaire despite no guarantee that I'll actually become a billionaire.

2. Future Oreo Eater:

I love Oreos. Unfortunately, I'm having issues with my stomach right now, so eating them wouldn't be such a good idea at the moment. But I do guarantee that I will eat Oreos in the future.

3. Future Sarah Dater:

In addition to becoming a billionaire and eating Oreos, I plan on dating Sarah in the future. Oh, and there won't be any Facebook stalking involved - because my sticker will say so.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Smelly Swim Coach

I'm friends with one of the lifeguards at my new gym. I've known him for a long while, but I had no idea he worked there until I saw him the first time I walked in. I won't name him because I don't want to get him into trouble, but he gave me two tips about this new place:

1. "Come to the pool between 1:30 and 3:30 because there are always lanes open." Camp takes up the pool between 12 and 1, and it gets crowded after 3:30 because people are getting off work and the swim coach takes up two lanes.

2. "Hold your breath when walking by the swim coach - because he is smelly."

My friend actually said this in front of the swim coach.

Friend: He really stinks.

Me: Sssshhhhhh!!! He's right there!

Friend: Don't worry about it. He doesn't speak English. Watch this - hey you?

Smelly Swim Coach: Mmmmyeeesss?

Friend: Do you speak English?

Smelly Swim Coach: English? Ehhh... noo... Russian!

I've tried to follow my friend's advice, but I arrived at the gym one Friday at 4:30ish because of all the free agency stuff that was going on in the NFL a couple of weeks ago (the day of the Nnamdi Asomugha signing). To my chagrin, the entire pool was full. Well, four lanes were. The other two were occupied by Smelly Swim Coach, and he had just one kid in each lane.

This angered me, so I started complaining to a guy in his 60s who was also waiting for a lane to open up.

Me: This is crap! Can't that swim coach just put both kids in one lane to open up more room for us?

Older Guy: Well, he does pay for those lanes...

Me: I know he does, but the nice thing to do would be to consolidate his lanes so we could swim.

Older Guy: He makes an honest living and should be able to use his lanes however he wishes.

Me: NO! HE'S BEING AN A**HOLE!!!

Smelly Swim Coach was within earshot, but I wasn't concerned. As my friend said, he can't speak English, so he didn't understand me.

Anyway, I befriended Older Guy, and we decided to hop into the other pool. This second pool wasn't designed for swimming; the temperature is maintained at 90 degrees, and the pool is only 10 meters in length. In other words, I can get from one wall to the other in just five or six strokes. That pool is there for old and/or fat women to do water aerobics.

The good news was that this pool was relatively empty; save for two fat women talking in the corner, it was just me and Older Guy. The bad news was that I didn't get much of a workout even though I swam for about 25-30 minutes. Part of the reason was the short length of the pool. The other part was that the fat women got in my way.

About halfway through the workout, the fat women made their move. They left their corner and wobbled toward me. I'm not going to lie to you; I was scared. I didn't see any silverware in their hands, but fat women at the pool are known to swallow their victims whole.

These new fat women weren't interested in eating me, however. Their goal was to walk to the pool stairs, grab their towels and roll their way to the locker room. This still was an issue though, because they had to cross my path to get to the stairs. They didn't stop and wait until I swam by though; acting like complete douche bags, they just kept walking, and I almost swam into them.

Trying my best not to get caught in their gravity well, I pulled back. This was extremely difficult, since they caught me by surprise, and as a result, I started choking on some water that I accidentally swallowed.

When I stopped choking, I had the feeling that someone was staring at me. I took off my goggles and looked up. It was Smelly Swim Coach, and he was laughing menacingly at my expense. So, I guess he does understand English after all. What a stinky, sneaky liar.

I've been careful ever since. If he hears one more insult from me, he may actually command the two fat women to devour me. And then, it'll be like I never left my old gym.