Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010

Jerks of the Week for Sept. 20, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Little Turds on the Road

Barack Obama, if you're on your 240th vacation this year and happen to be reading this, please, for the love of God, increase the minimum driving age in this country to anywhere between 18 and 21.

I can't take these idiot kid drivers anymore. I'm going to get into a major accident one of these days because these high school hot-shot losers think they're all cool because they can finally drive.

Last Thursday - the day of the Vikings-Saints NFL season opener - I made a long drive to Primo's, the best hoagie place in all of Philadelphia. Seriously, the 30-minute round trip was worth it. Primo's is the Megan Fox of all hoagie joints, and if you're ever in Philly, they're well worth checking out. It's been eight days since I've eaten their Italian hoagie as of this writing, and I'm drooling right now. NOM NOM NOM imaginary hoagie NOM NOM NOM.

At any rate, getting there wasn't a problem, but my return trip was a different story. For all you Philly people, I was near the intersection of Bustleton and Grant, when this Mexican kid in the car next to me shot me an evil glare. I'd say he was mad that I bought American food as opposed to Taco Bell or something, but that would just be racist.

Mexican Kid then began weaving in and out of traffic, completely refusing to use a turn signal (a big pet peeve of mine). Seriously, he switched lanes like 10 times in less than a mile. And there was no need for this because a few lights later, I was still right next to him even though I was driving near the speed limit.

Mexican Kid wasn't as bad as the next guy. At Bustleton and Byberry, this Eminem look-alike glanced over at me. I looked back at him, and he gave me some sort of nod. "Sup, dogg?" he said. I am not a canine, so I ignored him.

When the light at the intersection turned green, Eminem Kid slammed on the gas pedal and accelerated to about 90 mph going down Bustleton, a road that has way too many lights and an obscene amount of traffic between noon and 7 p.m. (and not to mention the police station I spoke of earlier).

Eminem Kid nearly got into an accident, but hit the breaks and switched lanes (without using a turn signal). If I were stupid enough to race him and happened to be somewhat near him, he would have either hit me or the car in front of him.

This is my other driving pet peeve. I hate when idiots race each other on the road. It's like wow, you can hit the gas pedal in your crappy car faster than I can, whoop-dee-freaking-doo.

Eminem Kid sped away at the next light, while I turned right. I'm guessing he's probably gotten into an accident since the day I saw him. And that would be a shame, for it would ruin his awesome lifestyle of buying rap albums, using words like "homez," and racing random "doggz" on the road every day.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Angry Street Crosser

Many people have issues with stress. And that's definitely understandable. There are many things that can be very stressful, including work, school, dilemmas with the opposite sex and the process of crossing a street. That's right. Crossing a street is VERY stressful.

I never would have thought to place crossing a street among those other things, but after seeing something remarkable twice last week, I have now changed my mind.

I was heading home from the gym last Wednesday. Don't worry, no fat old ladies tried to eat me this time. At the aforementioned intersection of Bustleton and Byberry, I spotted an old man (around 75ish?) crossing the road. I noticed him because he was wearing this goofy white sombrero, which matched his short white shorts and red button-down shirt.

Nothing weird happened until a car made a left into Angry Street Crosser's crosswalk. The car wasn't even near Angry Street Crosser, but that didn't please him. Angry Street Crosser - I swear I'm not making this up - took an empty brown paper bag out of his pockets, and angrily tossed it at the car making a left. The guy in the car was another old man who didn't see what was going on, and the paper bag fell short of its mark.

Angry Street Crosser then went berserk, yelling at every single car at the intersection, flipping the finger to onlookers. One of these onlookers was a guy in his 30s trying to make a right onto Bustleton. He patiently waited for Angry Street Crosser to finish walking across the street. Despite this, Angry Street Crosser shouted at the guy in the car and made a fist. It was the most bizarre, uncalled for thing I've ever seen, and the guy in the car simply laughed at the old man.

So, maybe Angry Street Crosser had a bad day. Maybe he peed his pants and ran out of diapers, which would explain why he was walking to Walgreens. I guess that's a valid excuse, right?

However, I saw Angry Street Crosser two days later. This time, he was wearing a blue button-down shirt and a black Jeff cap to go along with his same white short shorts. No one turned into the intersection like last time, yet Angry Street Crosser still lost his mind.

Shouting something incoherently, Angry Street Crosser flipped the double bird to all the cars on one side of Bustleton, and then turned around and did the same thing to the cars on the other side. After crossing the street, he walked toward Sunoco this time. Apparently, he didn't need new diapers again.

I still can't get over this. Why would anyone get so mad over crossing a road? And if this guy does get enraged over something like this, how does he act if something really serious went down? If his grandson received a C in one of his classes, would Angry Street Crosser strangle him? If Angry Street Crosser's car broke down, would he set it on fire? And if his dog peed in the house, would he drown it and take bets to see how long it would last?

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Czechoslovakia March

If there's one thing I hate on the road more than people refusing to use turn signals and idiot Eminem look-alike kids who want to race random drivers, it's idiot protestors who are responsible for roads being closed off.

*** Side note: I hate protestors in general. They don't accomplish anything and they just annoy the hell out of all of us. The only thing I'd ever protest about is for more hot women sexually assaulting men. This just simply needs to happen. ***

I was heading to the gym about a month ago - I jotted this down, but forgot to write about it - but was really delayed because there was a protest going on. These idiots closed down a lane of a one-lane street, so cars going both ways had to try their hardest not to hit each other as they shared the middle of the road.

Was this protest a worthy cause for something like more hot women assaulting men? No. These people were holding up signs that read, "Walk to Czechoslovakia!"

Umm... what? Look, I'm no geography expert - I can't even name five state capitals - but I'm pretty sure that Czechoslovakia is across the ocean in a land I like to call Europe. So unless you plan on walking across the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, you're never going to accomplish your goals, stupid protestors. I could always be wrong, but walking to Czechoslovakia is impossible.

As I drove by these stupid protestors, I began to notice something...

"Whoa, that girl was pretty hot."

"That girl is hot too."

"Damn, that girl is hotter than the first two."

"Holy crap, look at that girl's legs."

"Is that Tim Tebow's girlfriend?"

"Jeez-us, another hot girl."

"Are those two hot girls kissing each other?"

"Hellooooo nurse!"

"Yay! More hot girls!"

It was unbelievable. I had never seen so many good-looking women in one place at the same time.

So, with that in mind, I'd like to change my stance on something...

Walking to Czechoslovakia is awesome! Woooooo walking to Czechoslovakia woooooo! I will not eat or drink until we walk to Czechoslovakia!!!