Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012

Jerks of the Week for April 30, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of Wawa

I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty famous at Wawa. I don't know how to cook - I recently just opened my oven for the first time and was surprised by how heavy the door was - so I get my dinner from Wawa almost every night. As a result, everyone who works there knows me.

For example, I was standing in line on a Friday night waiting to pay for my Italian hoagie. The people behind the counter made my hoagie quickly and brought it to the register, which is unusual because the cashier is supposed to give you a stamped receipt, which you then get from the counter. The man behind me in line, an older guy with frizzy hair, small, golden earrings and missing teeth, was taken aback by this. He tried addressing the person in front of me because he thought the sandwich was his.

Missing Teeth Man: Yer don't see dat every day! Dey usually make ya get der sandwich from der counter!

The guy in front of me gave Missing Teeth Man a dirty look and walked out of the store.

Me: That sandwich was mine; not his.

Missing Teeth Man: Well den, der don't see dat every day! Dey usually make ya get der sandwich from der counter!

Me: Well, I come in here all the time.

Missing Teeth Man: Maybe I should den come in dere more time so I can der get dun sandwich to come to me.

Me: Yeah, but I'd advise going to a dentist first so people would stop mistaking you for a homeless person.

OK, I didn't actually say that last part, but I should have. That guy was ridiculous and couldn't talk clearly because of the missing teeth. I don't know, maybe he thinks he looks cool, but I can't think of any Wawa employee who'd want to personally deliver a sandwich for him.

This was just one example of the crazy stuff that happens to me whenever I make the 30-second drive to Wawa. Here are a few others:

A drunken gay guy said he wanted to have sex with me.

One of the guys who runs my new gym had a conversation about me with one of the female Wawa employees (she saw that he was wearing the gym t-shirt and asked if he knew me.)

The hot redheaded chick went out of her way to say that she'd meet me at Tango, the local bar, but she stood me up because I didn't Febreze my jeans enough.

Change Nazi, one of the cashiers, nearly destroyed me with her laser-beam eyes.

But those are all old stories. I have some new Wawa Jerks I need to discuss:

1. Change Nazi 3.0:

Change Nazi 1.0 was designed to quickly distribute change to customers to make the line move as rapidly as possible. Change Nazi 2.0 had laser beams installed into her eyes to fry anyone who didn't give correct change to her.

Change Nazi 3.0? Well, this version is apparently rebelling against her designer.

A quick aside - I received two $25 Wawa gift cards from my friends Adrienne and Katie back in 2005. I never used either of them because I didn't ever plan on spending $25 at Wawa all at once. Recently, my mom gave me a $100 Wawa gift card; someone gave it to my dad, who had no use for it.

Me: What am I going to do with a $100 Wawa gift card, mom? What the hell am I gonna buy at Wawa for $100?

Mom: You don't have to spend it all at once. You swipe it, they tell you the balance, and then you can spend it later.

Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

I felt stupid because I didn't understand how Wawa gift cards worked. But I also felt happy because I had $150 to spend at Wawa. That's approximately 15 free dinners!

I confidently strolled into Wawa a few days ago. I bought a cheese quesadilla and chicken fingers - a very healthy dinner, loaded with Vitamin X. Change Nazi 3.0 was at the register, but I wouldn't have to worry about giving her an exact amount of money because of the $25 gift card I had in my pocket.

Change Nazi 3.0: That will be 10 dollars and 34 cents, sir.

Me: I have a gift card!

Change Nazi 3.0: Please swipe your gift card, sir.

Me: Yes, ma'am!

I did as she asked. Seconds later, my balance slip printed out. She then handed it to me with a serious look on her face.

Change Nazi 3.0: Spend every penny on this card, sir!

Me: I will... well, there's only 20 cents left.

Change Nazi 3.0: Spend those 20 cents, sir! You need to spend those 20 cents!

Me: Why, it's just 20 cents?

Change Nazi 3.0: You need to do it, sir. Mister Wawa doesn't want you to spend every penny. You must spend every penny, sir!

Me: There's a Mister Wawa?

Change Nazi 3.0: Oh sure! Mister Wawa is king of all the Wawas!

Me: King?

Change Nazi 3.0: He's king, and he doesn't want you to spend every penny on this gift card. You need to spend these last 20 cents, sir!

I didn't even know what to say to that. The King of the Wawas doesn't want me to spend those last 20 cents, so I should? Will he even notice? And if he does, can I get a knighthood out of it? I'd like to be called Ser Walter Football. It has a nice ring to it, and I don't think the hot redhead would stand up Ser Walter Football, Febreze or no Febreze.


2. Lesbian Wawa Worker:

Don't get too excited now. I know it's every man's dream to have a threesome with two lesbians - it's one of my lifetime goals - but this lesbian is not attractive. She basically looks like a taller version of Steve Buscemi. Now, I'm sure there are some dudes reading this who would like to bang Steve Buscemi - not that there's anything wrong with that - so I'd recommend going to my Wawa on weekend nights. For the rest, I suggest that you avoid it - and not because of Lesbian Wawa Worker's looks.

I used to like Lesbian Wawa Worker in a plutonic way. She always seemed nice. Whenever she handed me my change and receipt, she'd say something whacky like, "Be careful on your life journey."

So, why is she a jerk? One Friday night, I was there with my friend Jess. We received our food, but stayed there to talk some more before going home. It was cold and rainy, and neither of us wanted to go back out to the parking lot right away. Lesbian Wawa Worker, however, had other ideas:

Lesbian Wawa Worker: EVERYBODY NEEDS TO GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!!!

I looked outside and there were police sirens going off. Was there a killer on the loose? Or worse, was there an Oreo shortage?

Me: What's wrong?

Lesbian Wawa Worker: EVERYONE NEEDS TO LEAVE NOW!!!

We bolted out of there and got into Jess' car. We watched the cops drive out of the parking lot, sirens still blaring. Once all the madness stopped, I announced that I wanted to go back into Wawa and ask one of the other employees what was going on.

Me: Hey, what happened? Are the Oreos OK?

Other Wawa Worker: Oreos? What? No, everything's OK. She just didn't want people loitering inside the Wawa.

Me: Well, what about all the cop sirens outside?

Other Wawa Worker: Oh, they've just been camping in the parking lot waiting for drunk drivers who drive in from across the bar.

This really pissed me off. I hate police who wait for drunk drivers or people who break the speed limit. How about doing some actual police work like preventing murders, catching bank robbers and making sure that the Oreos are safe?

I texted my hot lawyer friend, Republican Sex Kitten, and asked her if what they were doing was illegal so I could issue a citizen's arrest, or at the very least, pretend that I was a lawyer and tell the policemen that they'd be hearing from my law offices on Monday.

Republican Sex Kitten didn't text me back until the following morning, so it's a good thing they weren't in the parking lot anymore - otherwise, they could have slapped me with public drunkenness. I don't know how they would have done that to a knight named Ser Walter Football, but I guess you can do whatever you want when you have a badge.

3. Conspiracy Man:

Mister Wawa, King of the Wawas, is a very powerful man. We all know that he can turn normal peons into knights and create robots that can count change correctly and shoot laser beams out of their eyes. His most impressive feat, however, is changing the prices of his products without even informing his employees.

There was a crazy-looking man standing in front of me in line one evening. I forget what he purchased - I think it was a half-gallon of milk and a pack of cigarettes. The total came out to be $9.19. This befuddled the guy, who had $8.80 in exact change in his hand. Change Nazi (versions 1.0, 2.0) would have been proud, but she had off that night.

At any rate, this dude (Conspiracy Man) and the Wawa cashier (a guy in his 30s) got into a heated debate.

Wawa Cashier: That will be $9.19.

Conspiracy Man: What do you mean $9.19. I ain't payin' $9.19!

Wawa Cashier: You're not paying?

Conspiracy Man: Cigarettes and milk used to be $8.80!

Wawa Cashier: No it wasn't.

Conspiracy Man: Trust me. It used to be $8.80!

Wawa Cashier: No it wasn't. I've been working here for years. It's been $8.80 for a long time. Trust me.

Conspiracy Man: No!

Wawa Cashier: Do you want these items or not?

Conspiracy Man: No!

Wawa Cashier: No? What's another 30 cents?

Conspiracy Man: You're in on it, aren't you? Haha, I knew it!

Wawa Cashier: In on what?

Conspiracy Man: On raising the prices! Everyone's trying to raise the prices! What's another 30 cents? Ha! You're the one behind this, aren't you? And you! You know too!

Conspiracy Man pointed at me. There was drool coming out of his mouth at this point, so I wasn't going to put my life in jeopardy by arguing. I decided that the best course of action would be to agree with him.
Me: It definitely used to be $8.80.

Conspiracy Man: See? See!?

Wawa Cashier: Ugh. Really?

Me: You know what you should do? You should go to the other Wawas in this area and investigate if they're all $9.19 now.

As I said this, it looked like a light bulb went on inside Conspiracy Man's head. He stuffed the money back into his jeans and bolted out of the store. The Wawa cashier said thank you to me, and the rest of the night was uneventful - at least for us, anyway. Conspiracy Man probably traveled to every Wawa in Philadelphia and its neighboring suburbs to compare prices.

Did Conspiracy Man actually discover a conspiracy? Unlikely. I'm willing to bet that Mister Wawa used his army of Change Nazi robots to destroy Conspiracy Man before he uncovered the truth.


4. Begle Lady:

Conspiracy Man refused to pay for items that he deemed were too expensive. Begle Lady, meanwhile, didn't have to pay for food - and if Conspiracy Man would have seen this, who would have decided that it was all part of Mister Wawa's grand-master plan.

Begle Lady was disgusting. She was fairly big, had some rotting teeth and sported bad cleavage that was hanging out. She also owned a really thick, Philly-Irish accent.

Begle Lady was trying to pay for something when an older woman at the register informed her that she could get two free bagels for some strange reason. I can't remember why; I was too busy not to gag from Begle Lady's bad cleavage.

Despite being awarded free food, Begle Lady wasn't sure if she wanted them or not.

Begle Lady: You're sayin' I get two free begles? I dunno if I want dem two free begles.

Old Lady Wawa Worker: Why not? It's free food.

Begle Lady: I'm tryin' ta get on a diet so I dunno if I want dem two free begles.

Old Lady Wawa Worker: OK, so you don't want them.

Begle Lady: I din't say that. I am tryin' ta figur out if I want dem two free begles.

Old Lady Wawa Worker: Ugh!

It seemed like an hour passed by as she was deciding. I was standing behind her in line, waiting to pay, but she couldn't figure out whether she wanted "dem two free begles or not." Old Lady Wawa Worker looked like she wanted to bash her head into the register when Begle Lady finally spoke up.

Begle Lady: All right, I'll get dem two begles then.

Old Lady Wawa Worker shook her head and walked away to retrieve Begle Lady's two free bagels. I wanted to say, "So much for that diet," but Begle Lady beat me to the punch.

Begle Lady: It don't cost me notin to get dem two free begles, so why wouldn't I get dem free begles?

Old Lady Wawa Worker came back with the free bagels. So, like me, Begle Lady had her food delivered to her in line. If he were sober enough to understand what was going on, Missing Teeth Man would have been really impressed.