Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012

Jerks of the Week for Oct. 8, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Samsung Galaxy S III

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I like to make fun of people and various things on Jerks of the Week. Yes, it's true. One of these various things arecommercials. I had a Jerks of the Week entry recently where I poked fun at some creepy W.B. Mason ads that featured a mustachioed pervert who spied on kids in their clubhouse.

I delved into four of these W.B. Mason commercials, but I may have found the sketchiest one yet. Take a look.

OK, there are so many things wrong here. First, why is the mustachioed creeper just staring at the kids in the beginning of the ad? He's not saying anything; he's just observing for some strange reason. Weird. Second, why is he so eager to know what sort of pictures Dolly has in her binder? Is it because he has a binder at home with pictures of Dolly and the other kids? And third, why the hell is Dolly's "boyfriend" the W.B. Mason weirdo? Isn't that a little strange? It's not bad enough that he's just hanging around those kids, but now he's supposedly dating one of them.

Why is Dolly dating the W.B. Mason guy anyway? Sure, he's older and more mature, but doesn't she find it strange that he just peers into her clubhouse without saying anything? Then again, I don't blame her for not wanting to date the nerdy kid in the video. As for the black kid, meh, maybe she's just racist.

I'm bringing up the W.B. Mason campaign because it reminds me of perhaps the worst commercial of all time. It's a 90-second ad for the Samsung Galaxy S III where a bunch of a**holes are in line waiting for a phone. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about, as it's the longest commercial of all time. Here's the clip just in case you've been fortunate enough to avoid this ad.

Ugh. I hate everything about these commercial, from the premise to the characters in it. I just don't see what the hoopla is about phones. You talk on them, you text with them and you take pictures with them. And that's all they should do. I don't understand why phones need Internet and Facebook and Twitter and e-mail and games and music. All my phone does is call, text and take pictures - and I wasn't even too happy about the latter until I realized that I could use it to my advantage (more on this later).

My phone is four years old. It's the Samsung Juke. Whenever people see my phone, it's always the same exchange:

Person: OMG that phone is like so small OMG!

Me: Well your phone is like so big OMG!

Person: Na-uh I have like a normal phone! How do you like even see on there!?

Me: I see just fine. Go away.

It's so annoying - but not nearly as aggravating as the other aspect of the Samsung Galaxy S III commercial. Look, I know these people are just acting, but they most definitely represent real individuals I see around Philly, particularly downtown, where the artsy-fartsy new-age hippies live. They think they're so much better than everyone because they spend all of their money on Starbucks, try foreign cuisines and enjoy silent movies. I say f*** them.

Let's discuss most of the people in the commercial and why they piss me off:

Blond-haired girl at 0:02: I hate when girls wear bangs. Is it bangs or banks? I don't know. Whatever it is, I hate it. It looks terrible. I blame Zooey Deschanel for this. She's one of the few women who can pull bangs/banks off, yet millions of other females try to emulate her and fail miserably.

Oh, and speaking of Zooey, my friend and forum member Injured Reserve despises her. I'll never forget what he once said when he saw a New Girl ad: "If Satan had a daughter, her dog would be Zooey Deschanel."

Brown-haired girl at 0:13: "I heard the connector is even digital... what does that even mean? Hwa hwa hwa hwa!!!" If you don't know what it means, why are you in line for it like all of the other mindless a**holes? Seriously, just get a normal phone and avoid being in line for hours upon hours. A new phone isn't worth that.

Mexican guy at 0:18: This douche wants a priority line for those who have waited five times? You mean this isn't a one-time thing for this loser? You know what they should have for people who've waited five times? The guillotine.

Top Hat Girl at 0:24: That's a typical artsy-fartsy new-age hippie hat. No normal person wears something like that, but she thinks it makes her look unique as she spends her entire paycheck at Starbucks, creating crappy paintings and/or music.

Oh, and what the hell is an adaptor? My phone doesn't have an adaptor. You know why? Because it doesn't have useless junk on it like the Internet.

Jeff Cap Guy at 0:27: Another artsy-fartsy new-age hippie hat - and with artsy-fartsy new-age hippie glasses and a jacket to boot! If I had control of the guillotine, this guy would be my first victim.

Jeff Cap Suspenders Checkered Shirt Guy at 0:37: Wow. And I thought Jeff Cap Guy was bad. Jeff Cap Suspenders Checkered Shirt Guy is the artsiest-fartsiest newest-agest hippiest person I've ever seen. In fact, if there is some sort of church for artsy-fartsy new-age hippies - and it, of course, would not have anything in there to offend a single person on this planet - then there would be a statue of him in there. Indeed, he's a new-age artsy-fartsy hippie god.

Time for the guillotine? No. It wouldn't work. As the blade would collapse onto his neck, he would recite such a bad poem he wrote at Starbucks that the blade would burst into a million pieces. In order to defeat this abomination, you'd have to say racist jokes in front of him. Lots and lots of racist jokes. And gay jokes too. Can't forget those.

Heterosexually challenged phone touching at 0:44: Not that there's anything wrong with heterosexually challengingly touching your phones together. And ugh, "What'd you just do OMG OMG OMG!" Shut up, Zooey Deschanel wannabe. Go do something productive with your life rather than just wait in line for a stupid phone.

Mom and dad at 0:54: If you look closely enough, you can see the look of disappointment in their eyes, as they're staring at their failure of a son. "Thanks for holding our spot" is code for "You have nothing better to do with your life, so we appreciate you taking a break from your pointless time at Starbucks to save us a spot while we were actually being productive and making a difference in the world."

Sunglasses couple at 0:58: I know these young kids are in love. They're holding hands in the street which is cute. But do they really have to wear the same sunglasses? I mean, come on, that's pathetic. Why doesn't that guy just wear the same dress as his girlfriend while he's at it?

Picture creeper at 1:05: Why are these two hot chicks just allowing this guy to take pictures of them? I know a friend who once tried to take a picture of two hot chicks, but in response, they put a restraining order on him. It was a sad day for me. I mean him.

Afro guy at 1:07: I'm referring to the one asking, "Is that a Samsung?" standing next to yet another person wearing a Jeff cap. Doesn't he look like he just escaped a mental institution? I can only hope that he was locked away in there because of his habit of killing people wearing Jeff caps.

Nerd guy at 1:13: What the hell is 4G? Is that some type of other phone, or is it some sort of code to determine how good of a phone he has? If it's the latter, then I would say my phone is 9G because it only has text, calls and pictures.

Sunglasses guy at 1:19: You can share videos instantly? Whoo-dee-freaking-doo. Who the hell wants to share videos, let alone instantly? Unless it's a video of two chicks mud wrestling, I don't want to see your crappy videos.

And I don't want to see this crappy commercial anymore either. It's completely worthless. There's a reason I'm not standing in line, waiting for some stupid phone, so I sure as hell don't need 90 seconds of my life wasted watching people do the exact thing.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Random Phone Pictures

I mentioned earlier that my phone has a camera. I've always known this, but I just assumed it was worthless because my phone's so small. A small phone equals small pictures, right?

Well, to my surprise, my phone actually takes pictures very well. I can't actually see the pictures because my screen is so tiny, but if I send them to my e-mail address, they're much more visible.

I discovered this a couple of weeks ago, so I've been walking around, taking pictures of random things and people. Here are five of my favorite pictures:


1. Gabbert's Buttocks:

I saw this on ESPN's bottom line and had to capture it with my snazzy phone camera:



If you follow football, you know why this is funnier than it already is. Blaine Gabbert, quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars, is the most craven player at his position in the NFL. He's afraid to get hit and often closes his eyes when he throws the ball, as seen here:



So, with that in mind, is there any surprise that he somehow hurt his buttocks? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with hurting your buttocks after a wild night of man sex in a hotel room, but still - I don't think that ever kept Jeff Garcia out of a football game. Not that Garcia ever did that. No, I'm not implying that whatsoever. He has a hot wife, after all.


2. Flower Hat Lady:

I saw this woman at Neshaminy Mall. She had the most ridiculous hat of all time on her head - it was pink with a large flower on it. I snuck up behind her so she wouldn't see me.



I know what you're thinking - she must be an artsy-fartsy new-age hippie if she's wearing a hat like that. But I would say no. It seems like she's just a sad old lady whose only friends are the 13 cats in her house. Because she hasn't had a conversation with a human being in years, she doesn't know what's acceptable in society. She simply has no idea that her hat is the ugliest thing on the face of the planet.

It's sad, really. And ironic too - because she's wearing the same type of hat an artsy-fartsy new-age hippie would wear, yet she would never wait in line for a Samsung Galaxy S III because she'd have no one to call. Cats can't pick up the phone.


3. Electrial Closet:

My cousin had her family birthday dinner at a Chinese buffet a couple of Saturdays ago. I was looking forward to it because they were sure to have General Tso's Chicken. It's the only Chinese food I'll eat because A) it's delicious and B) all other Chinese food is disgusting. I mean, come on, no one wants to eat fried cats.

But yeah, General Tso's Chicken is awesome. I highly recommend it for anyone who hasn't tried it. I'm not even sure who General Tso is, but I'm a fan. Hey, even if he was a terrorist or a creepy guy like the W.B. Mason fellow who slept with lots of kids, I don't care. I can eat his chicken all day.

I scarfed down so much General Tso's Chicken at the party that I was in a food coma for an hour afterward. My sister's new boyfriend was trying to talk to me, but I didn't understand what was going on.

Sister's New Boyfriend: So, I heard you like to play old video games that you download on the Wii, like Mario and Sonic.

Me: Mario? Where?

Sister's New Boyfriend: On the Wii. Which ones do you have?

Me: Which ones of what?

Sister's New Boyfriend: The Mario games.

Me: Oh, I like those.

An hour and four glasses of Pepsi later, I was reenergized. I was able to converse again. More importantly, I was able to notice strange things again for Jerks of the Week purposes, including a very confusing sign on the closet:



Electrial Room? What the hell is an electrial room? I pointed this out to several people, including my mom, and they just laughed, thinking that the Chinese people who owned the buffet just misspelled "electrical."

I, however, have come to the conclusion that this is not a simple clerical error. There are three possibilities as to what goes on in the electrial room:

1. That's where they fry their cats. They like to keep this discrete, since us silly Americans tend to establish an emotional bond with felines.

2. This is where Chinese people vote. With November elections coming up, you can expect a long line of Chinese people waiting to access the electrial room.

3. This is where General Tso performs his strange, sexual acts. Again, I don't really care what he has or hasn't done as long as that man continues to produce his fine chicken.


4. Random, Lost Pictures on Street Road:

It saddens me to say that I lost two pictures because my phone didn't save them. I've since downgraded it from a 9G to an 8G.

The first was a bumper sticker on a mini-van. It said: "Stop Lyme Disease." Oh, that's cool. You don't want Lyme disease to continue? I mean, I was in favor of making sure Lyme disease reached everyone in the entire American population, but your bumper sticker swayed me. I'm now in favor of eliminating Lyme disease.

The second was the electronic sign in front of my new gym. It normally says stuff like, "Join now, 20 percent off memberships!" or something of that nature. On this particular day, it said, "Have your next affair here!"

Whoa. All this time, I had no idea that my new gym was just a front for an establishment that promotes married people to have casual sex with others. No wonder the Girl with the Arm Tattoo wanted to roofie me.


5. Red Top Hat Girl:

I've written about some very strange people over the years, but this just might be the weirdest one yet. I was driving home when I saw this unbelievably fat, black chick wearing a short, gray dress and a red top hat. It was like something out of a cartoon. I had to take a photo, otherwise you wouldn't believe me:



What the hell is that? Seriously, what in the hell is that? Why is a fat, black chick wearing a short, gray dress and a red top hat? What is she doing just standing there on the side of the road? And why does she menacingly have her hands on her hips like that? She looked extremely angry when I passed by, which did not surprise me. I mean, if I looked like that and wore that type of a crazy outfit, I'd be mad at the world as well.

And that's when it dawned on me - she's one of the artsy-fartsy new-age hippies featured in that Samsung Galaxy S III commercial. Only one of them would wear a hat like that, and she was mad because she was late getting downtown, meaning she'd have to wait in the back of the line for that stupid phone.

I'd chide her for not having the foresight to pay/threaten a nerd to save her a spot, but after putting on that dress and donning that hat, it was only the third dumbest thing she did that day.