Open Rants by UnscriptedMC

1. Arizona Cardinals: Kyler Murray, QB, Oklahoma

Haha! Can you imagine if a team considered using a first-overall pick on an undersized kid with a questionable commitment to football, all based on a tiny sample size? That would be hilarious! And then if the rookie head coach blabbed about the kid being the best thing ever and set expectations sky high? And all this just one year after drafting Josh “Pencil Neck Geek” Rosen? That would be hysterical! That’s why I love April Fool’s Drafts, because it’s neat to think about things that would never happen in real life.

2. San Francisco 49ers: Kiara Mia, C, School of Hard Knocks

49ers GM John Lynch: “I had never heard of her until the combine, where she posted some great measurements and aced handling three cones at once. I then walked in on her bending over in front of Jimmy, they were practicing their hard snap counts, and they seemed to have great chemistry. They say she puts balls between her legs effortlessly, a key attribute in a center. She wasn’t my first choice, but the scouts have convinced me it’s the right time to introduce women into the NFL game.”

So who was Lynch’s first choice?

“Kevin Burkhardt,” Lynch replied. “Chemistry is everything.”

3. New York Jets: Bill Belichick, Head Coach, Wesleyan University

Jets GM Mike Maccagnan: “I see baseball teams doing this all the time, drafting people with high upside in the future. We’re tired of being outsmarted by Belichick, so as soon as he leaves the Patriots, he’s instantly ours! We’ll show those stupid chowderheads how it’s done!”

“Who’s the idiot now?” he added.

4. Oakland Raiders: Tyler Newsome, P, Notre Dame

Raiders head coach Jon Gruden: “I like beefy football players man, I like ‘em to have some meat on their bones! And who’s gonna be beefier than a guy who can out-bench Khalil Mack? That’s why I got rid of Mack, he couldn’t even lift more than a punter! Remember when I took Sebas in the first round? Nothing like a beefy guy who can kick a ball!”

Raiders GM Mike Mayock briefly looked up from his hardcover copy of War and Peace, before pushing his glasses back up his nose and returning to his reading.

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Brand New Newsboy Cap and Front Row Tickets to “Newsies” on Broadway

Reports from our anonymous sources confirm that every decision in TB this year will be made with Bruce Arians’ comfort in mind. With that said, it must have been a no-brainer when the Glazer family saw this beauty in the window at Sak’s Fifth Avenue in Manhattan. From the purple crushed velvet exterior, to the silk interior liner, to the Bluetooth-compatible retractable earbuds and mic for NFL-grade coaching, this coveted item screams luxury.

As an added bonus, the tickets come with a delightful meet ‘n’ greet luncheon.

6. New York Giants: Cooper Manning, WR, University of Mississippi

Giants GM Dave Gettleman: “Now that athletes are regularly playing into their forties and fifties, we have complete confidence that Eli, the undisputed greatest player in New York Football Giants history, will continue to play at an extremely high level for decades to come. As long as he can stay healthy, we are absolutely certain that he will continue to throw for at least 2000 yards and 10+ touchdowns every single year! So we’re going to really double down on our investment. As for Cooper, spinal stenosis, spinal schmenosis!”

At that moment, Gettleman suddenly picked up the phone and began calling NFL GMs to gauge their interest in trading for Saquon Barkley.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Matt Jackson, EVP, Revolution Pro Wrestling School

Jaguars GM Dave Caldwell has reportedly (anonymous sources) been very impressed with the Young Bucks tag team, and their successful deal with Jags owner Shad Khan and his son Tony Khan to found All Elite Wrestling. “Those young fellers are executive vice presidents now, and they’re known as The Elite, and I want the Jag-U-ars to be elite too,” he said.

The Bucks then burst into the room and turned on Caldwell, delivering a devastating Meltzer Driver to the helpless GM.

8. Detroit Lions: A Jar of Bill Belichick’s Farts

Lions GM Bob Quinn: “We like to call ourselves Patriots West!” he beamed proudly. “Matt Patricia, Trey Flowers, Justin Coleman, and that’s just the beginning. Pretty soon Tom Brady will have no choice but to play for us!”

Quinn was last seen using a Sharpie to write “BQ” on the jar.

9. Buffalo Bills: Scott Norwood, K, James Madison University

Bills owner Terry Pegula: “This is a city of seconds. Jack Eichel was picked by our beloved Buffalo Sabres second overall, we were Antonio Brown’s second choice, and now we will give Mr. Norwood a second chance. I think he’ll really appreciate how altruistic I am.”

When reached for comment, Norwood mumbled something about a “godforsaken city” and hung up the phone.

10. Denver Broncos: A Bag of Oats

Broncos GM John Elway: “Nay.”

11. Cincinnati Bengals: Ray Rice, RB, Rutgers

Despite reports in recent years that Bengals owner/GM Mike Brown had rethought his penchant for signing troubled young men to his football team, Brown reportedly believes Rice has “street credibility.” Brown also was said to be excited that Rice “has fresh legs” and “is totally willing to play for the minimum.”

12. Green Bay Packers: Olivia Munn, QB Coach, Oklahoma

Anonymous sources have been reporting that franchise QB Aaron Rodgers has gotten “too comfortable.” That is about to change.

13. Miami Dolphins: Adam Gase, Head Coach, Michigan State

We sent a carrier pigeon to Time Warner Center in Manhattan to deliver a message to Stephen Ross, requesting comment on this draft pick. He responded by telegram saying he wanted to “screw the Jets” and calling Gase “the next Brian Flores.”

Suddenly, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones ran to the podium to announce he had sold the team to some wealthy Hong Kong investors for one trillion dollars. This caused such a commotion that Bud Selig commanded Android Roger Goodell, via remote control, to tell everyone the draft had reached a stalemate and it’s time to go home.