Open Rants by UnscriptedMC

1. Cincinnati Bengals: COVID-19, Virus, Wuhan University

Bengals Owner/President/GM/Egomaniac/Cheapskate Mike Brown: “I asked my scouts to find a draft pick that would just kill people out there, really leave them gasping for air. I also wanted to find a really big name. Apparently this guy checks off all the boxes.”

2. Washington Redskins: Joe Burrow, QB, LSU

As Burrow stepped off the stage, Redskins Owner Dan Snyder immediately presented him with a 30-year contract for one billion dollars per season. When reporters tried to ask him how that would fit under the salary cap, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell shielded Snyder and mumbled something about a “luxury tax,” before dabbing his head with what appeared to be stocks in some company called “Havas.”

3. Detroit Lions: Lombardi Trophy, Championship, USA

Lions Owner Martha Firestone Ford suddenly grabbed the NFL Championship from under NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell (who was sitting on it) and scurried into her 2016 Ford Focus to make her escape. Fortunately, she didn’t make it out of the parking lot before the transmission fell out of the car and she was taken into police custody.

TRADE!

New York Giants receive: Khalil Mack

Chicago Bears receive: #4 overall pick (2020); Dave Gettleman’s mom’s vegan cookbook; $100

4. Chicago Bears: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn

Giants GM Dave Gettleman: “I didn’t really know any of the guys in this draft, I wasn’t really paying attention. Anyway, some kid from Chicago called me up and offered me a guy I’ve heard of; at least, I think I’ve heard of him. So I gave him everything he wanted.”

Bears GM Ryan Pace: “We haven’t had a good old-fashioned quarterback controversy since the legendary Glennon-Trubisky war. And I wanted Cam to feel comfortable, so I shrewdly acquired a delightful vegan cookbook. I was also able to finagle some cash considerations out of their GM. I think $100 is a lot, I’m not sure, I’m not really good at math.”

5. Miami Dolphins: Chuck Norris, Coach/Personal Trainer, Air Force

Dolphins Head Coach Brian Flores: “CHUCK AND I ARE GOING TO WHIP ALL THESE PUSSIES INTO SHAPE!”

6. Los Angeles Chargers: Flash Mob, Planted Fans, BookAFlashMob.com

Press release from the Los Angeles Chargers Football Club: “We’ll see who can’t draw fans this year.”

7. Carolina Panthers: Jeff Bezos, Co-Owner, Princeton

Panthers Owner David Tepper: “I’m having trouble figuring out this whole decision-making thing in football, Mr. Rooney always did that for me. I usually just throw money at my problems, so what better way to do that than by drafting the richest man in the world? Plus, maybe he’ll give me a free Amazon Prime membership.”

8. Arizona Cardinals: JJ Taylor, RB, Arizona

Cardinals GM Steve Keim: “All the other teams,” said Keim, peering over an enormous banana daiquiri, “They refuse to think outside the box. They want big guys, but I’ve seen what the NHL is doing. It’s all about small and fast, baby! So why not add the shortest RB in the draft to the shortest QB in the NFL? JJ is only 5’5”, but that’s about the same as Kyler so he should be fine. I’m really proud of our vision. And he’s from right here in Arizona! He can still live in his dorm if he wants to!”

Keim then ordered “a round of Burt Reynolds” for the table.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars: David Beckham, K, Bradenton Preparatory Academy

Jaguars Owner Shad Khan: “The London, er I mean the Jacksonville Jaguars are proud to select David Beckham! This is just the type of pick we need to kickstart our move to London! I mean our move to eight, I mean two home games there per year.”

Khan then walked over to Victoria Beckham and asked for Baby Spice’s phone number.

10. Cleveland Browns: Jonah Hill, Chief Strategy Officer, Colorado

Browns Owner Jimmy Haslam: “Truckstop Jimmy here, for you idiots who don’t know me. I just fired Paul, but don’t worry, I’ll just use the guy who played him in that there motion picture! This Hill kid is better at being Paul than Paul was at being Paul!”

When reached for comment, Hill turned down the opportunity to work for the Browns.

11. New York Jets: A box of rocks

Jets Owner Woody Johnson: “It was my decision to go in a new direction.”

Jets Head Coach Adam Gase: “I approve. No way those damn rocks talk back to me or overachieve.”

12. Las Vegas Raiders: Harry Josh, Hairdresser, Canada

Raiders Head Coach Jon Gruden: “We need to be ready for the bright lights of the Strip, man. I’ve already bought some shades! Especially Mark, he could use one of them makeovers, he looks more like Chucky than I do!”

Raiders Owner Mark Davis: “They’re making Spaceballs 2 and they just cast me as Pizza the Hut,” he beamed.

13. San Francisco 49ers: Chase Young, DE/OLB, Ohio State

49ers GM John Lynch: “He’s the best player on the board and I’m not a moron.”

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Dante Scarnecchia, OL Coach, California Western

Bucs GM Jason Licht: “Tom wanted him. He said this guy’s the key to looking cool in the pocket, whatever that means.”

Dante Scarnecchia: “I’m concerned that their left tackle describes his technical strengths as ‘making scary faces’ and ‘hoping for the best’.”

TRADE!

Dallas Cowboys receive: #15 overall pick (2020)

Denver Broncos receive: Nothing

15. Dallas Cowboys: John Elway, QB, Stanford

Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones: “Hot diggity, I got Elway to trade me this pick so I could draft Elway! I’m a genius, especially if you don’t ask me any tough questions.”

When pressed on what Elway’s role would be with the team, Jones rambled incoherently about replacing Roger Goodell with someone named “Boss Hogg.”

At that moment, everyone’s COVID-19 tests came back positive and a riot began, ending the Draft. Gardner Minshew got on the PA and attempted to start an orgy since, for the next 14 days, everyone has “nothing to lose.” He then did a shot of Bacardi 151 with Steve Keim and attempted to wrestle a bear.