1. Cleveland Browns: Jim Brown, RB, Syracuse
Browns owner Jimmy Haslam: “Those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it. So, why not repeat our best history ever? True, Jim might be 82, but he just turned 82, like, not even two months ago. Plus, the team is named after him, so how could we not pick him?”
When informed that the Browns were named after former coach Paul Brown, Mr. Haslam simply said, “You say tomato, I say potato.”
2. New York Giants: Barry Bonds, LB, Arizona State
Giants owner John Mara: “I asked everyone who came to mind when I said I wanted a great Giant who could hit. Enough said.”
3. New York Jets: Donald Trump, Ambassador, Wharton
Jets owner Woody Johnson: “Mr. Trump made me an ambassador and put me on a jet, so it only made sense for me to make him an ambassador for the Jets. Brilliant, huh? It’s almost...poetic, or something. I’m hoping he can really promote the brand in his spare time.”
Mr. Johnson then hopped on the aforementioned jet and directed the pilot to take him to “that country with the princess from Suits.”
4. Cleveland Browns: Josh Rosen, QB, UCLA
Browns owner Jimmy Haslam: “Yeah, I remember when Josh Rosen said he’d rather have flaming bamboo shoved under his fingernails than play for this sorry franchise. He was just playing hard to get. My wife did that too, and now look at us!”
When reached for comment, Josh Rosen was quoted as saying, “Fuck me.”
5. Denver Broncos: Jack Elway, QB, Arizona State
Broncos GM John Elway: “Did you see my son play in high school? He was amazing!”
Broncos coach Vance Joseph: “He’s the piece we were missing.”
Broncos draft pick Jack Elway: “I haven’t even played in almost a decade. I fear dad’s gingivitis may have spread to his brain.”
Arizona State head coach Herm Edwards on ASU unexpectedly boasting two of the top five picks in this year’s NFL draft: “You play to win the draft. Hello!”
6. Indianapolis Colts: Duff Goldman, Baker, UMBC
Colts owner Jim Irsay: “Let’s face it: Our best years were in Baltimore. So I’m here to announce we’re moving back! And what better way to endear ourselves to the community than to bring on board the beloved Duff, owner of Charm City Cakes! I figure I’ll make him bake a cake for anyone who gets a touchdown. Plus, Duff went to the University of Maryland Baltimore County, and you saw how inspiring they were in the March Madness tournament!”
Former Colts GM Ryan Grigson: “I’d buy one of Duff’s cakes, but then I wouldn’t be able to buy other stuff.”
7: Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Kate, WR, Uber
Bucs head coach Dirk Koetter: “I know she and Jameis have had their problems. But he didn’t mean to grab her crotch, he was just looking for his Bible that he dropped. Besides, he had just saved a bus full of orphans from a fire earlier in the day, so his mind was still on that. Plus, she’s picked up a lot of people, so I figure she can help us pick up first downs!”
At that moment, Mr. Koetter’s glasses suddenly slid off the end of his nose and, still hooked on his ears, sliced his head clean off his body in front of horrified onlookers. Only Roger Goodell’s expression remained unchanged (likely due to a software update in progress).
8: Chicago Bears: The Iron Sheik, OL, Iran
Bears GM Ryan Pace: “The Sheik has had to overcome a lot of diversity, but he’s done a complete 360 to turn his life around. I take my hands off to him. Seriously, who’s going to get past a former WWF Champion and Olympic wrestler? It will be like having a sumo wrestler out there. Hmmm, wait a minute…”
TRADE!
Chicago Bears receive: #9 overall pick (2018)
San Francisco 49ers receive: One 2nd-round pick (2018); five 1st-round picks (2019-2023); “dibs” on all future descendants of every player from the 1985 Bears team
9: Chicago Bears: E. Honda, OL, Japan
Bears GM Ryan Pace: “I can’t believe I just thought of this. What a great idea! A sumo! Nobody will get by him. I’m not trying to circumcise any rules or anything.”
Before he could be informed that E. Honda was a fictional character from the Street Fighter II video game, Mr. Pace excitedly excused himself to take a call from Mike Glennon.
10. Oakland Raiders: Jon Jones, K, Morrisville State
Raiders head coach Jon Gruden: “I like my football players tough man, I like ‘em tough. And who’s tougher than Jonny “Bones” Jones? I love that name, and he even spells Jon like I do man, the right way. Have you seen the way he kicks guys in the face? I bet he could kick a ball 100 yards with that leg man, 100 yards!”
Mr. Gruden then demonstrated for the assembled media how fast he could blow up a deflated football with his mouth.
11. Miami Dolphins: Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
Dolphins owner Stephen Ross: “Ryan’s first go-round hasn’t gone as well as we hoped, so we thought we’d give him a fresh start! This is kind of like renewing wedding vows.”
When he was informed there was no need to draft Mr. Tannehill again as that would accomplish absolutely nothing whatsoever, Mr. Ross frantically tried to see if Jake Locker was available until time ran out.
12. Buffalo Bills: Connor McDavid, QB, Canada
Bills owner Terry Pegula: “HAHAHAHAHA! You all thought I’d never get him, didn’t you! Well, I sure proved you wrong! We got screwed in the lottery in 2015, but I’ve fixed that! BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
13: Washington Redskins: Passing Machine, QB, USA
Redskins owner Dan Snyder: “If I draft this thing, I don’t have to pay for it at Dick’s, right? So worth it. It better come with an extended warranty. I bet this thing passes every physical we can throw at it!”
14: Green Bay Packers: Jerry Kramer, OG, Idaho
Packers GM Brian Gutekunst: “I regret to inform our fans that as part of his severance package, former GM Ted Thompson was granted one final wish. He has chosen to use that wish on the opportunity to select our first-round pick this year. Mr. Thompson has selected Mr. Kramer because he’s heard for a long time that he’s a future Hall of Famer who has an affinity for the Packers. That, and Mr. Thompson was under the impression that OG stands for Original Gangsta, and he thought that sounded super cool.”
TRADE!
Dallas Cowboys receive: #15 overall pick (2018)
Arizona Cardinals receive: 1 billion dollars
15: Dallas Cowboys: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
(We attempted to reach Cowboys owner Jerry Jones for comment, but he was in his luxury suite blaring “Jesus Christ Superstar” on repeat while his son Stephen violently banged on the door.)
16: Baltimore Ravens: LeBron James, WR, St. Vincent-St. Mary High School
Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti: “Cleveland. LOL.”
At that instant, Commissioner Roger Goodell’s software update suddenly finished. After getting caught up on the ludicrous results of the draft so far, he opted to immediately end the festivities and declare all remaining prospects to be free agents.
“My reign is no longer the biggest sham in the NFL,” he mouthed to himself.