Open Rants by UnscriptedMC

Stan Kroenke.

Who? If you’re not into sports, and even if you are, you may never have heard of him. But he’s everywhere, and nowhere, at the same time. He has his hands in a lot of pots, but shies away from the limelight.

He’s worth just over $8 billion. He followed a simple three-step formula to amass his fortune:

1. Have a rich father
2. Buy real estate
3. Marry the Walmart heiress

Why didn’t I think of that?

Seriously though, I’m not here to be resentful or jealous. He is by all accounts a very hard-working man, and I respect that. But I’m here to talk about accountability for his performance as a sports franchise mogul, the owner of six professional franchises. Billionaires never have to face the music unless they commit a felony (and even then there’s no guarantee they won’t wiggle out of the consequences). But let’s hold Mr. Kroenke’s feet to the fire anyway, since the rest of us, in the real world, are judged on our decisions and results.

American Football

We’ll start with the NFL’s Los Angeles Rams, the team Silent Stan moved from LA to St. Louis (in his home state of Missouri) and back to LA again, all in the span of just over two decades. He brought them back to California with the promise of the greatest stadium the world has ever seen, and I do believe he’ll deliver on that promise. But when you estimate that the stadium will cost $2.3 billion, and costs for the entire project are now expected to exceed FIVE BILLION DOLLARS, I question your mathematical skills. The cost has more than doubled in just two years, and we’re still more than two years away from the grand opening! Maybe we can reach $10 billion by then? For reference, the most expensive stadium in the NFL previously was MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ, home of the New York Giants and Jets, which only cost a paltry $1.7 billion. If nothing else, let’s just agree that a guy worth $8 billion needing a last-second $2.25 billion loan reveals some red flags.

In addition to not being able to add, Kroenke allowed Jeff Fisher to coach the Rams franchise for FIVE BLOODY YEARS. And Fisher had a losing record every single year! No coach in the world has underwhelmed so severely for so long, except for one other I’ll talk about below, who is also Kroenke’s responsibility. But Jeff Fisher was so bad. I’m surprised he didn’t have a pager on his belt, since he coached like it was 1995. One time he was pressed to talk about any New England Patriots player besides Tom Brady, and the only one he could think of was Danny Woodhead (who hadn’t played for NE in some time). I appreciate Kroenke not being a meddlesome owner like Terry Pegula, but he takes it too far the other way.

Basketball

Due to the (hysterically easy to circumvent) NFL ownership restrictions that prevent possession of teams from other markets in certain other sports, Stan’s wife Ann Walton Kroenke technically owns the Denver Nuggets and Colorado Avalanche. Whatever. Let’s start with the Nuggets. They haven’t made the playoffs in FIVE LONG YEARS, haven’t won a playoff series since 2009, and haven’t won an NBA Championship ever. What happened the last time they made the playoffs? They had both the Coach of the Year George Karl and the Executive of the Year Masai Ujiri, and they fired them both. I don’t believe in karma, but I love seeing the Nuggets get exactly what they deserve for taking excellence for granted and showing no gratitude.

Hockey

How about the Avalanche? The former perennial powerhouse has floundered in recent memory, with just one division title in the last 15 years (FIVE SEASONS AGO) and no Stanleys for Stanley since 2001.

Soccer

Major League Soccer’s Colorado Rapids have only won one league championship in their 22-year history, which was as a Cinderella team after finishing as the NUMBER FIVE SEED in the Western Conference.

Lacrosse

The NLL’s Colorado Mammoth actually do quite well in terms of attendance, but are lucky if they’re the NUMBER FIVE TEAM, if the reclusive owner had to pick favourites among his six.

More Soccer (European Football)

And that brings us to the fan base that hates Stan Kroenke the most, the Londoners who support Arsenal FC. He left the hated Arsene Wenger in charge for at least FIVE EXCRUCIATING CAMPAIGNS past his expiration date, meaning the marquee franchise hasn’t won the Premier League since 2004, and they won exactly zero League Cups in Wenger’s 22-year reign of terror. On Twitter, Gooners talk about Kroenke like he’s Hitler. They cite his lack of vision, ambition, and funds when it comes to the soccer club. They want him out, but he owns nearly 70% of the shares, and claims he will never sell so that his family will own the team forever.

What's Next?

Stan Kroenke is now busy promoting “the Netflix of the hunting world,” which shows trophy hunting, a “sport” for cowardly weirdos with too much money and not enough sense. He’s a strange guy who can’t seem to find the sweet spot between ambition and slumber, who erodes formerly great teams upon acquisition, and who plays right into British stereotypes about jackass American businessmen. There may not be anything more solipsistic than disappointing millions of people around the globe just so you can have good seats.

But hey, that Rams stadium. I bet it’ll be nice.