Open Rants by UnscriptedMC

Back when I was a kid, life was going swell

‘Til something happened, blew everything to hell

That night my daddy stumbled in, all pale and weak

Said, "A woman up the block just gave birth to a geek."

I doubt you could write a more hilariously stereotypical rich kid bio than Josh Rosen’s entitled backstory if you tried. He’s from Manhattan Beach, California, home of the most expensive median real estate in Los Angeles (yes, higher than Malibu, Bel-Air, and Beverly Hills). His father is Charles Rosen, an orthopaedic spine surgeon who narrowly missed making the US Olympic team as an ice skater, and came within a whisker of becoming the Surgeon General under Barack Obama. His mother was the captain of the Princeton lacrosse team. His great-great-great grandfather was Joseph Wharton (think Wharton School of Business, Donald Trump’s alma mater). He’s also a descendant of Thomas Cornell, who helped found New York City.

Mom said, "Sell it to the circus, what the heck."

Dad said, "Nope, this one's a pencil neck

And if there's one thing lower than a sideshow freak

It's a grit-eatin', scum-suckin', pencil neck geek."

If you’re a football coach, or a military recruiter, you’re probably not looking for rich trust fund babies to fill your ranks. You’re looking for young people who are hungry (perhaps literally) and willing to be molded, shaped, and mentored. You’re looking for passion, dedication, commitment. You’re looking for the singularly-focused.

You see, if you take a pencil that won't hold lead

Looks like a pipe cleaner atached to a head

Add a buggy whip body with a brain that leaks

You got yourself a grit-eatin', pencil neck geek

The business of sports has become too competitive for part-timers. Connor McDavid famously couldn’t attend sleepovers with friends as a young child because he had to work on his stickhandling. In his garage. Alone. Contrast that with Josh Rosen yawning on the sidelines, telling people that he’s only playing football for the money, and you can see that his attitude is at best anachronistic, and at worst, totally disrespectful to all of the people who have believed and invested in him.

Pencil neck geek, grit-eatin' freak

Scum-suckin' pea head with a lousy physique

He's a one-man, no-gut, losing streak

Nothin' but a pencil neck geek

The early returns are not promising. Last week he threw for a whopping 87 yards. The week before he was directly responsible for three Atlanta touchdowns in the first half alone. He’s the lowest-rated starting QB in the league. He contributed greatly to the firing of his offensive coordinator Mike McCoy. His brain, allegedly one of his strengths, appears to have an incredibly slow processing speed for the NFL level. He doesn’t scramble as much as he runs around like a chicken with its head cut off. In short, he sucks.

Soon the geeks were poppin' up all over town

You couldn't hardly sneeze without knockin' one down

After a nice juicy steak, if you need a toothpick

Just reach for a geek, they'll do the trick

Despite Rosen’s protests that “my family isn’t, like, stupid wealthy” and “if Tom Brady gets six titles, I’ll get seven,” there is no evidence from his rookie season that he is even NFL material. His Arizona Cardinals are in last place in the entire league. He looks weak and bony. And he isn’t even well-liked by his teammates.

One day we cut one up for fish bait

Learned our lesson just a little bit late

Soon as the geek hit the drink, the water turned red

Next day, sure enough, all the fish were dead

Josh Rosen dreams of Googling his name alongside the word ‘bust’. And he will be able to one day. But instead of seeing pictures of his bronzed head, the results will all be top ten lists involving him and his friends Ryan Leaf and JaMarcus Russell.

Most any night you know where I can be found

Yeah, stomping some geek's head into the ground

So keep the faith 'cause in Blassie you can trust

I won't give up 'til the last geek bites the dust

I’m the last person who would ever criticize someone for trying to be a well-rounded individual; for having interests outside of football; for saying your past does not dictate your future. But Josh Rosen shows no fire, no determination, and no fortitude to succeed against the elite. “But I’m coming from a place where if football doesn’t work out, I don’t have to work at McDonald’s,” he says. Maybe you should though, Josh, although I doubt you’d have the work ethic to last there. McDonald’s has a highly-acclaimed, world-famous training program that employers in the real world covet. When I was being interviewed at the Royal Vancouver Yacht Club, of all places, the manager was disappointed that I didn’t have McDonald’s on my resume. I guess it’s easy to be entitled with his pedigree and when people call you Chosen Rosen, but his inexperience with humble pie ingestion appears set to torpedo his alleged hopes and dreams before they get very far.

Josh Rosen will be a tennis instructor in five years, not to mention the star of where-are-they-now clickbait listicles and trivia footnotes. But hey, at least Zona gets the #1 pick in next year’s draft, right? I’d suggest they show Josh some gratitude, but I don’t think he’d understand what that is.

They say, "These geeks come a dime a dozen."

I'm lookin' for the guy who's supplyin' the dimes

It’s gonna be real hard times for all of these

Grit-eatin'

Scum-suckin'

Boot-lickin'

Drop-kickin'

Gut-grindin'

Nail-bitin'

Glue-sniffin'

Scab-pickin'

Butt-scratchin'

Egg-hatchin'

Sleazy

Smelly

Pepper-bellied

Dirty, lousy, rotten, stinkin' freaks

Nothing but a pencil neck geek.