Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010
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Jerks of the Week for Feb. 15, 2010
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Winter Olympics
Let's get this out of the way. I hate the Olympics, especially the Winter Olympics. If it were up to me, the Winter Olympics would be eliminated forever and replaced with lesbian mud wrestling.
Last Monday, I was enjoying an episode of Chuck, which has quietly become one of the best shows on TV after a mediocre start. The show ended, and I was looking forward to my only respite before another agonizing episode of Heroes - a preview of next week's episode of Chuck. Instead, NBC had this message for us: "New episodes of Chuck coming Mondays after the Winter Olympics!"
I literally cursed at the TV for five straight minutes. I even missed Heroes villain Samuel's perennial opening bit about being a "fam-il-ee." Except for Lost and 24, all of my favorite shows will be on hiatus until these stupid Olympics are over. Terrific. Now what am I supposed to do with my free time? Talk to people? Actually go outside? This is horrible!
My hatred for the Winter Olympics goes beyond missing TV shows. Back in 2006, I wrote an anti-Winter Olympics article for the Centre Daily Times newspaper (Pa.) Here it is in its entirety:
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Remember when the Olympics used to be fun? Remember when you turned on the TV, sat on the couch and watched 5,000 consecutive hours of Olympic coverage on NBC? Actually, I don't remember that.
The Penn State-Wisconsin men's basketball game went into halftime on Saturday afternoon, so I accidentally switched the channel to NBC. I was instantly subjected to a weird sport where athletes were skiing uphill and around a track. The announcers opined that one of the skiers was "the Babe Ruth of this sport." I was trying to figure out the name of this event but NBC abruptly cut into a commercial.
I immediately came to my senses. I flipped back to ESPN2 and decided that I would never turn on NBC ever again. What was I thinking? I was about to be entranced by something that can barely be called a sport, just so athletes that I've never heard of can win medals for their respective countries. Personally, I'd rather watch Tonya Harding host a brand-new, hit reality TV show on FOX, Watching Grass Grow with Celebrities.
NBC recently announced that it will air about 416 hours of Olympics coverage. That's the equivalent of watching 832 consecutive episodes of Seinfeld, only instead of actually enjoying yourself, you're as miserable as some poor guy who locked himself in an empty refrigerator with Rosie O'Donnell.
Here are four reasons why you shouldn't turn on NBC in the next few weeks.
The NCAA runs the Olympics: Well, at least it seems like the NCAA does. Zach Lund, a member of the U.S. skeleton team, was banned from the Olympics for taking a hair-restoration pill. This sounds similar to the NCAA's refusal to let former USC wide receiver Mike Williams play college football after he was denied entry into the NFL Draft. Who cares if Lund wants to grow some hair? Would re-grown hair make him more aerodynamic? Does that mean wearing a toupee is illegal? Is William Shatner banned from curling? This is more outrageous than the lack of a playoff system in NCAA football.
Winter Olympic sports: Speaking of curling and skeleton, why are they even in the Olympics? Call me crazy, but I don't think sliding a granite rock across a plane of ice should be considered a sport. And whoever invented the act of gliding head-first on a downhill icy slope is probably in the Great Beyond right now.
The most ridiculous sport in the Winter Olympics would have to be the biathlon, which combines skiing and rifle shooting. Imagine Michael Robinson scoring a touchdown in the Orange Bowl and then having to evade dodgeballs thrown by bitter Florida State fans. That doesn't belong in the Olympics and neither does the biathlon.
Summer Olympic sports: This has nothing to do with the Winter Olympics, but I thought I should add it to the list. I was blown away when I found out that walking was an Olympic event. I considered joining the U.S. team, but I realized that I didn't know any of the rules. Can you walk backward? Do they have police radars making sure you don't cross the line between jogging and walking? Are skipping and hopping illegal? I'm completely baffled.
The only thing worse than walking in the Olympics would have to be sailing. How can that be considered an Olympic sport? The only thing that would have made sailing remotely competitive in the past would have been if Rodney Dangerfield slammed his anchor onto the decks of other boats.
No intrigue: I don't care about the Michelle Kwan saga, so the only compelling story of the Olympics is Bode Miller's performance in the skiing competition. If Miller wins, I think we would all like to see him ask Suzy Kolber out on a date while she is interviewing him.
If that happens, I may have to rethink my anti-NBC policy.
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Two thoughts on that article: First, they cut out my awesome Rosie O'Donnell refrigerator joke. And second, I lost money on that Penn State-Wisconsin basketball game, so I was in a bad mood.
At any rate, it's the same garbage and storylines this year in the Olympics; only the names are different. Instead of Bode Miller, there's some Apollo Antwan Odom character. We've upgraded Zach Lund into super-hot Lindsey Vonn. And I'd be remiss if I didn't give my condolensces to the luger from the state of Georgia who passed away in a test race - but seriously, what kind of sport is so dangerous that you can die in practice excluding any fluky heart- or aneurysm-related incidents?
But I'm an idiot. How could I forget my anti-NBC policy? Since I vowed never to watch NBC again back in 2006, I've gotten into Chuck, Heroes, the Office and Community (hey, Annie is super hot.)
So, I'd like to take this opportunity to renew my ant-NBC vow. From here on, I will never watch NBC ever again! Those four shows are being excluded because they've already roped me in. But other than that, I will never watch NBC ever again! Well... unless there's some cool TV show premiere or something.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Valentine's Day
I'm not going to bore you to death with some Valentine's Day rant. I'm single, so if I were upset about my relationship status, I'd probably barrage you with some crap like:
"Valentine's Day is a gimmick used by card companies and chocolate companies to increase revenue so poor saps can spend more money than they can afford on their girlfriend, only to be sexually rejected later on that night because of the infamous ?I'm on my period' excuse."
The thing is, I like being single. The possibilities are endless when you're single. You're not tied down or anything. When you're single, you can go out and game trashy girls at a local bar, and the only possible repercussions are STDs. Or, if you feel like staying in, drinking beer and eating Cheetos, you can do that instead of being dragged to some opera or play.
I want to get married some day, but for now, being single is the only option.
My gripe with Valentine's Day is that it grants a holiday for all the people in relationships, but not for any single people. Why do a**holes in relationship get all the love, and why do single people get the shaft every year? I say there should be a holiday for single people!
So, with that in mind, I'd like to introduce...
SINGLES DAY!
I actually created this holiday six years ago, but have never made it completely public. I've just been celebrating it by myself all this time. Now, I'd like to introduce it to you. As our good friend Corrine Brown would say, "Here is a quick fack check:"
On a side note, I just looked through my wallet to see how much money I saved by not celebrating Valentine's Day. After searching through the cobwebs, I found three $1 bills. But upon further inspection, I realized that one of the bills was Canadian, so in reality, I had negative $5 dollars in my wallet. Son of a b***h!
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: More Jewelry Commercials
People enjoyed my previous mockery of Kay Jewelry commercials. Because Valentine's Day just passed by and millions of men everywhere are currently in debt, I thought I'd make fun of three more jewelry ads.
Kay Sign Language Commercial
On the surface, this seems like an innocent, sweet commercial. "Aww, that guy is learning sign language just to be with that deaf woman, how cute!"
As many people have pointed out to me, however, how far along could their relationship be if the guy doesn't even know sign language? "I learned a new sign today!" Get the f*** out of here.
Two possibilities:
One, this guy is a complete sap who falls for any woman he sees. If his signing isn't very good, how are he and the woman communicating at all? What are they doing on their dates? This guy didn't even know the sign for "Merry Christmas," yet he's giving this woman some expensive watch? I'm not buying it.
And two, this guy has a learning disability. That has to be it; he just can't learn anything. That's why his signing isn't very good.
Under the second premise, here's how this would have gone down in real life:
Idiot Who Can't Learn Sign Language: "I'm sorry, my signing still isn't very good."
Deaf Woman: Signs - "You're doing fine."
Idiot Who Can't Learn Sign Language: Tries to sign - "I eat... I eat my own feces every Tuesday morning."
Deaf Woman: Signs - "What?"
Idiot Who Can't Learn Sign Language: "I'm sorry, my signing still isn't very good."
Deaf Woman: Signs - "Clearly."
Idiot Who Can't Learn Sign Language: Tries to sign - "I'd like... I'd like to make love to a three-headed gay man and a Christmas ornament, not that there's anything wrong with that."
Deaf Woman: Signs - "What the hell are you talking about?"
Idiot Who Can't Learn Sign Language: "I'm sorry, my signing still isn't very good."
Deaf Woman: Signs - "I don't know how much more I can take of this."
Idiot Who Can't Learn Sign Language: Tries to sign - "I want... I want to stick a pair of scissors up my buttocks."
Deaf Woman: Signs - "Get the hell out of my house right now!"
Black Reminiscing Couple
I apologize, I couldn't find a better video of this one. This commercial features a black guy taking his girlfriend around town and showing her all the important places of each point in their relationship (i.e. first date, first kiss).
Not a bad premise, but the acting is horrific. You can't tell how bad it is by this short clip, so let me copy-paste what someone wrote on a complaints board:
I have not yet become a Kay Jewelers customer, and may not be in the future if the quality of their advertising reflects their merchandising. For maybe the 2nd or 3rd year now, a TV ad shows a young Black couple remembering personally important locations in their town.
This commercial drives me nuts because Kay decided to use an actress capable of only one facial expression - that being a constant silly grin. This actress is clearly out of her depth as far as acting ability is concerned. That, or else she was stoned to the gills on the day of filming and the director just said "F**k it!" and used it anyway. For Pete's sake! Make a different commercial instead of recycling old ones that are just plain bad!!!
There has to be a reason why the woman continuously had the same expression on her face, and I think I know the answer...
Here's how this would have gone down in real life:
Guy: "Do you remember this place? We had our first date at this restaurant."
Girl: "Really? I thought our first date was at Taco Bell."
Guy: "Do you remember this place? This park is where we had our first kiss.
Girl: "I don't think so. You kissed me in the back of your parents' car."
Guy: "Do you remember this place? This movie theater is where you first gave me head."
Girl: "This one I definitely remember."
Guy: "Do you remember this place? This post office is where I first told you that I loved you."
Girl: "What? You've never told me that you love me! And I've never been to a post office!"
Guy: "Uhh... uhh... uh-oh."
Girl: "This is some other girl's memories! It better not be that floozy Stacy! I'm gonna kick her a**!"
The Best Kay Jewelers Commercial Ever
Not all Kay Jewelry commercials are bad. No, really. I found one on YouTube that exemplifies everything that the diamond industry is all about.
Whether you're buying or receiving diamonds, remember this commercial, and don't forget what it took for those diamonds to reach the jewelry store.
Best Kay Jewelry Commercial Ever