Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011

Jerks of the Week for May 23, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Rapture

You're probably reading this on Monday, but I'm currently typing these words last Thursday afternoon. I had my windows open 20 minutes ago. I looked outside, and noticed hundreds of these brownish beads flying around. I didn't think anything of it, figuring it was pollen, leaves or some other nature crap. Shrugging my shoulders, I went back to looking at porn on my laptop.

A minute later, something caught my eye - and it was not Aurora Snow going down on some dude. I looked outside, and there were now thousands of these brown things hovering around chaotically, making a low buzzing sound.

I walked to my window to take a closer look and realized that these brown things were bees. Nearly crapping my pants out of fright, I quickly closed my windows so they couldn't fly into my office.

Where the hell did all of these bees come from? And why were there so many of them right outside my house? This event made me think of two things:

First, Emmitt Smith's take on the birds and the bees:

The bird and the bee: If you do not know the story yourselves, it is about the man bird see the woman bee, and they decide to have sexuals. Then the woman bee have a baby, but the man bird do not want to stay around, so he leave and then the judge make him pay child supportment.

Were these bees having "sexuals" in my backyard? If so, were they horny because they caught a glimpse of the porn on my computer?

And second, perhaps this is a sign that the Rapture is coming. If you haven't heard, some guy named Harold Camping proclaimed that the Rapture - a series of major earthquakes unlike anything our planet has ever seen - will occur on Saturday evening.

Well, I guess we'll know if the Rapture occurred or not by the time this is published. If the Rapture actually happens, then it's a no-brainer Jerk of the Week. And if it doesn't? Well, it's still a Jerk of the Week because people are wasting their time discussing this junk and actually spending lots of money advertising it.

Harold Camping is a moron. And if you thought he would be right about the Rapture, you're a moron too. Camping previously predicted that the Rapture would happen on Sept. 6, 1994, and it never did. His prediction will fail again, and once he projects a new date for his next Rapture, he'll be wrong about that too.

I have some news for Camping and his Looney Tune followers who spent their entire life savings on this nonsense: There's no such thing as Rapture. There will never be a Rapture. No theologically based higher force is ever going to be the catalyst of the end of the world. There are only a handful of things that can destroy Earth: a huge meteor, the sun going supernova, and Rosie O'Donnell eating our planet by accident.

But hey - if a**holes like Harold Camping can make dumb predictions, why can't I?

Behold, I have seen the future through a crystal ball that I bought at Wal-Mart a few Halloweens ago. The truth has come to me, and I have seen that on June 6, 2017, Earth will be changed forever.

Why June 6, 2017? Easy. My friend, Dr. Val and I, have done some extensive calculations. By adding up all the numerical values in June (A=1, B=2, C=3, etc.) it comes out to 50. Fifty is half of 100. If you add 100, 6 (June 6) and 2017, you get 2123. If you add up all the integers in 2123, it comes to the number eight. Who wore a No. 8 jersey? Kobe Bryant. And what did Kobe allegedly do to a woman? He allegedly raped her.

So what does rape have to do with June 6, 2017? Only everything. I saw it in my crystal ball once I peeled off the price tag sticker - on June 6, 2017, hot girls from another planet will come to Earth and rape us men multiple times. It will be awesome, and this event shall forever been known as Rapeture!

I honestly don't see how my Rapeture is any less legitimate than Harold Camping's Rapture. Maybe Harold's dumb and currently broke followers should start worshipping me instead. I mean, who the hell would prefer the end of the world over some hot alien chick raping them?

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Spaghetti

With Rapeture coming in 2,205 days, I need to lose some weight so that I look appealing to all the hot alien babes. This involves two things: eating healthier and exercising every day. Oh, the horror.

I like eating, so let's begin with the former. Since my days of devouring microwave pizza, cheesesteaks, and macaroni and cheese every night are over, I figured I should learn how to make healthy food for a change.

As a reference, I don't know how to cook, fry or bake anything. When I was 16, I tried to make hot dogs, but my mom yelled at me because I nearly burned the house down. Since then, I've only made cereal and sandwiches. I'm telling you, I make a mean bowl of Frosted Flakes.

I went back to Bottom Dollar Food - I brought my own bag this time - and wandered around the store until I found something healthy that I could possibly make on my own.

Ultimately, I decided on spaghetti. All you need are noodles and spaghetti sauce. Pour them both into a pot, and you have spaghetti. Simple enough, right? Ha, shows how much you know.

I was immediately discouraged when I looked at the spaghetti sauce aisle. I expected there to be two, maybe three types. Instead, there seemed to be thousands. I ultimately settled on Ragu Traditional for three reasons:

1. It says "Great tasting, thicker recipe" on the bottle. Thick sounds tasty NOM NOM NOM NOM.

2. The writing on the side of the bottle says, "Ragu believes in helping moms Feed Our Kids Well." So do I. When I was a kid, I had McDonald's, Little Caesar's Pizza and Kentucky Fried Chicken multiple times per week, and look how I turned out.

3. There's a dude and a hot chick on the bottle in some sort of canoe. Behind them is some sort of homicidal clown rowing the canoe. Translation: If you don't choose Ragu, we're going to send our homicidal clowns after you. Maybe that should be written on the side of the bottle.

This may surprise you, but Ragu Traditional is not very healthy. After I brought it home, I looked at the nutritional facts. The sodium is 20 percent, while the potassium is just 11 percent. There's only 15 percent Vitamin C, and there is zero percent Vitamin X. Vitamin X is my favorite vitamin. How dare they not have Vitamin X?

Meanwhile, there were even more pasta options. I was overwhelmed by all the different choices, so I closed my eyes and grabbed a random box off the shelf:

San Giorgio Rotini... Hmm... I don't know where San Giorgio is (perhaps in California?) and I don't know what the hell Rotini is, but it sounds Italian, and Italians make the best pasta. Sorry, that was a racist stereotype. I apologize.

When I got home, I looked at the instructions:

1. Bring water to a rapid boil. To add flavor and reduce stickiness, add salt.

Umm... what? What the hell is a rapid boil? I'm not even sure how to boil water in the first place. My friend Andrew showed me one time, but I forget. Do you pour hot water into a bowl, or cold water? And after that, which knob do you press on the oven? Why is this so difficult? Why can't you just buy boiled water at the store?

2. Add pasta and stir; return to rapid boil.

Dude, people in San Giorgio don't know what the hell they are talking about. How do you go from rapid boil, to not rapid boil, and then return to rapid boil? I looked on my stove, and there's nothing that says anything like that.

What kind of sorcery are these shady San Giorgio people into? Maybe if I were Harry Potter, I could make water return to a rapid boil, but I don't have any sort of a fire spell at my disposal.

3. Cook uncovered, stirring occasionally.

I understand uncovered. Like, you're not supposed to cover it with cardboard or aluminum foil, or anything. But what does "occasionally" mean? Is that one stir per minute, or five stirs per minute? Can you be anymore ambiguous, San Giorgio people?

4. Drain well. Serve as desired.

Drain? How do you drain something out of a boiling pot? Maybe a hairdryer would suffice, but A) I don't have a hairdryer and B) It would take a lot of time for the water to evaporate.

I'm so frustrated. Someone should invent something that makes water boil and evaporate instantly so I can finally make spaghetti. Until then, I will be eating microwave pizza, cheesesteaks, and macaroni and cheese.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Slav's Swim Buddies

I apparently won't be eating healthy until they invent a magical hairdryer that evaporates water instantly, so that means I need to work out as much as possible if I want to be raped by hot alien chicks on June 6, 2017.

Unfortunately, that's very difficult for me because I have to deal with fat women, old men who walk around naked with their balls flopping around, and dumb Russian kids named Melvis at my gym pool.

Sometime last week, I was getting changed in the locker room when I overheard the following conversation between three Russian kids who had just finished their swim lessons. One kid named Slav was super tall, and looked about 14 or 15. The second kid, whom I will call Know-It-All, was some douche with braces and an afro. He looked 12 or 13. The third kid was some 9-year-old with a high-pitched girly voice. I will call him Little Turd.

Know-It-All: Hey, Slav?

*** Silence ***

Know-It-All: Hey, Slav?

Slav (annoyed): What!?

Know-It-All: You know how you like soccer?

Slav: Yeah...?

Know-It-All: I like baseball the same way.

Slav (seemingly uninterested): Really?

Know-It-All: Yeah, I know all the baseball players in the whole Phillies team.

Little Turd: Hockey is the best sport in the world!

Know-It-All: Shut up, hockey sucks. I only like baseball, basketball and sometimes soccer.

Little Turd: There's more action in hockey than baseball!

Know-It-All: Slav, you need to watch baseball some time. If you watch a no-hitter, you'll cry. I'm serious.

*** Not that there's anything wrong with that. ***

Slav: OK...?

Little Turd: I watched like 10 no-hitters last week. It was boring. Hockey is better!

Know-It-All: You didn't watch any no-hitters! There was only one. Hey Slav, do you ever watch the college basketball NCAA Tournament? There are 64 teams and you have to pick them all right, and you get a million dollars.

Slav: Yeah.

Know-It-All: No one got every pick right this year. Two people almost did, and they won $10,000.

Slav: We actually had to fill out a bracket for extra credit in chemistry class.

Know-It-All: Oh man, you should have given it to me. I only got three picks wrong this year. You'd have lots of extra credit!

Slav: Really?

Know-It-All: Yeah. Next year, I am going for the million dollars!

Little Turd: Basketball's stupid! They score more points in hockey!

Know-It-All: No they don't.

Little Turd: Ya-huh! I watched a basketball game one time, and they only scored seven points in a basketball game. They scored more in hockey!

I find it interesting that according to Little Turd, there were more no-hitters in baseball thrown last week than points scored in some basketball game.

I honestly don't know how Slav hasn't committed suicide yet from talking to those two dweebs at swim practice every day. I'll give Slav tons of credit, because I know I would have. Hell, I don't even want to go back to the gym to hear another brain-numbing conversation like that.

I guess this means that I won't be working out or eating healthy, meaning I'm going to be obese when Rapeture arrives. Damn it. I guess the hot alien chicks will be raping other dudes.