Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012

Jerks of the Week for Jan. 16, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Hot Tub Etiquette

One thing that my new gym has that my old one didn't, as you all know by now, is hot girls. All of the female patrons of my old gym need to be locked up in cages so they don't band together and ransack small villages by eating all of the townsfolk in their sleep.

Having hot chicks at my gym is really a breath of fresh air. I mean really, it's like, "Should I go to Gym A and risk being devoured by a wildebeest in my lane, or go to Gym B where I can spot some chicks that I can either game or creepily stalk?" It's really a no-brainer.

Something else my new gym has is a hot tub. Going in there after a workout is awesome. Meanwhile, the closest thing my old gym had to this was a baby pool. Of course, there are never any small children in this baby pool because they were all eaten. Instead, it's a place for obese women and shady Russian mobster men to congregate, relax and talk about illegal things.

The baby pool is always heated in the mid-90s, so it was OK. The problem was the people in the baby pool. The last two times I went in there, I was bored to death by an old man who complained about his arthritic knees for about 10 minutes, and then I was roped into a conversation with a rather large Russian woman who somehow knew my name. She asked me how my uncle was doing, and when I told her that he has lung cancer, she said, "Your uncle vork vis lung cancer, iz good, is vondefool, yes!" I'll have much more on this moron in a later entry.

Meanwhile, the hot tub is usually set around 105 degrees, so it's much more awesome. I'm not a fan of the jets in the hot tub, however, because the bubbles flow into my swim trunks, causing them to fill up so it looks like I have a huge boner. I switch off the jets when I'm in there by myself, but when someone joins me and turns them on, I get really pissed off. More on that later.

I was a bit disgruntled though by my hot tub adventures because hot chicks never joined me in there. Perhaps they didn't want to interact with the fat man sitting in there, but hey, at least I won't congratulate them on having an uncle with lung cancer.

My fortunes changed two weeks ago. I was walking into the hot tub when I noticed a hot chick taking off her clothes and putting them on the bench nearby. She was approximately 20, and had a cute face and a solid body. Her hair looked like it was naturally dark, but she dyed it some reddish color, so I'd describe it as "Cherry Coke hair color." She had a purple, one-piece bathing suit. I normally would have complained about the one piece, but as Emmitt Smith would say, "Choosers can't be beggars." I was just happy to have a hot chick in the vicinity.

There was one problem, unfortunately. Her dad was with her. Every scenario I played out in my head ended badly:

*** Scenario 1 ***

Me: Hey babe, how about we get out of this hot tub and go somewhere more private?

Hot Chick: Ohhhh yeahhhh!!!

Hot Chick's Dad: WHAT!? I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY SHOTGUN!!!

*** Scenario 2 ***

Me: Hey, come here often?

Hot Chick: Yeah, but I might come here more often to see you.

Hot Chick's Dad: WHAT!? I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY SHOTGUN!!!

*** Scenario 3 ***

Me: Love sitting in the hot tub after swimming in that cold pool...

Hot Chick: And I love sitting in the hot tub here with you.

Hot Chick's Dad: WHAT!? I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY SHOTGUN!!!

*** Scenario 4 ***

Me: ...

Hot Chick: Why are you so quiet? Aren't you going to ask me to have sex with you?

Hot Chick's Dad: WHAT!? I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY SHOTGUN!!!

Lame. Anyway, the hot chick and her dad swam four laps in the pool before joining me in the hot tub. Of course, her dad immediately turned on the jets. A minute later, he realized that this may have bothered me, probably because I was trying to keep my swim trunks from bulging out.

Hot Chick's Dad: Do you mind if I put the jets on?

Me: No, sir! I do not want to die via shotgun, sir!

OK, I didn't really say that. I told him that it was fine. As you'll soon see, Hot Chick's Dad had every right to turn on the jets.

The two of them both sat across from me and didn't say much until the hot chick came up with something insightful:

Hot Chick: If we get a hot tub like this in our house, we can go into it after we work out!

Hot Chick's Dad: Is that so?

It was at that point that I knew that I met the woman of my dreams. Not only was she beautiful; she also said such fascinating and interesting things. She was the perfect woman.

I didn't have a ring handy on me like the tools in the Kay Jewelers commercials; otherwise, I would have proposed to her right on the spot. Her dad was bald, meaning the sons I would sire would eventually lose their hair, but that was something I was willing to concede to be with someone so unbelievably perfect. And besides, I'm confident that in 2045, there will be lasers that instantly restore hair. Keep this in mind when pursuing a woman with a bald father. Don't let his baldness scare you.

Unfortunately, the hot chick and her dad climbed out of the hot tub before I could say something clever to her. I haven't seen her since, but this encounter was beneficial because it helped me develop a code of laws for the hot tub:

1. Control of the Jets:

A week before I met the woman of my dreams, I was just relaxing in the hot tub when a chubby dude hopped in. He immediately turned on the jets, which drew my ire.

Chubby Dude: Is it OK if I turn on the jets?

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, why was it OK for Hot Chick's Dad to turn on the jets, but not chubby dude? Is it because it's more acceptable to get a facsimile boner in front of a hot chick instead of a chubby dude (not that there's anything wrong with that?) No. It's because the person who brings the hottest girl to the hot tub automatically has all right to jet control. Here is the chain of jet command:

1. Hottest girl in hot tub.
2. Second-hottest girl in hot tub, and so on.
3. Person who brings hottest girl to hot tub.
4. Person who brings second-hottest girl to hot tub, and so on.
5. Person who was in hot tub first.
6. Person who was in hot tub second, and so on.
7. Fat women.

I feel like this is self-explanatory. There are, however, exceptions:

Corollary 1.1: Boyfriend of hot girl has no control

What's the point of there being a hot chick in a hot tub if there's no chance of gaming her? A guy who brings a hot girlfriend to the hot tub should be happy enough to be dating a hot chick, so he has no authority over the jets - even if he's in there by himself.

Corollary 1.2: Girlfriend of hot girl has no control unless she makes out with hot girl

And this would give me a legitimate boner.

Corollary 1.3: Fat woman moves atop the list if she threatens to eat everyone in hot tub

Because being trapped inside the belly of a fat woman for decades would totally suck.


2. No Fat Women in Hot Tub

Do I really need to explain this one? Did you not read Corollary 1.3?

Well, in addition to possibly eating everyone in the hot tub, whether that's purposely or accidentally, fat women could bring one of their dinners in with them. Bacon grease, chicken bones and stray meatballs are great to eat, but do you really want that stuff floating around with you in the hot tub? I'm a fat man, and I don't even want that. OK, maybe just a little bit.


3. Hot Tub Seating Arrangement

Quick - a hot chick is approaching the hot tub. You can either sit on the side facing the wall, or the side facing an open area where there are obviously more interesting things to look at. Where do you sit? Where do you sit!?

If you answered, "I'll sit on the side facing the open area so the hot chick will look in my direction," you're incorrect. I'm sorry, but you will not be banging this hot chick anytime soon.

The correct answer would have been sitting on the side facing the wall. Hot chicks tend to be easily distracted, so they'll most likely turn around and look toward the open area. If you're facing the wall, they'll look in your direction no matter what, since they're not going to look behind them at the wall. This will increase your gaming and banging rate by 83 percent. Guaranteed.

See, I made this mistake with the aforementioned hot chick. I faced the open area, so she seldom looked my way. If only I faced the wall, then I could have gamed and/or banged her - though perhaps it was for the best, because her dad may have killed me with his shotgun.

4. Do Not Spend More Than 10 Minutes in Hot Tub

There are two separate signs above the hot tub that say, "DO NOT SPEND MORE THAN 5-10 MINUTES IN HOT TUB!" I scoffed at this the first time I saw it. "Ha!" I thought, "I love hot tubs, so I'll be able to spend 30 minutes or more in here!"

A half hour later, I climbed out of the hot tub and almost passed out. I must have looked really sick because my friend Hot Chick Lifeguard even showed some concern.

Hot Chick Lifeguard: Whoa, Walt, are you OK? You look sick.

Me: Noooo I'mmmmzzzz doooiiinnn gooooodd.

I don't know how the hell I made it home without crashing my car into a pole, but the point is, don't stay in the hot tub for more than 10 minutes.

Corollary 4.1: Stay in hot tub as long as possible if there is a hot chick

If there's a hot chick in the hot tub, you have to stay as long as possible - even if it means certain death.

Think about it this way - do you want to live your entire life wondering if you could have gamed and/or banged the hot chick in the hot tub that one day, or do you want to go out like a champ? If you're not willing to take this risk, then just leave this Web site right now because you're dead to me.


5. No Viagra Talk in Hot Tub

I was in the hot tub with two men in their late 60s (one said he was 69 - get it, 69?) They were discussing places where old people hang out on weekends like this place Michael's, or the Buck Hotel, where I went one New Year's Eve. The conversation went something like this...

Old Man No. 1: Michael's is a great place to meet women our age.

Old Man No. 2: Really? I heard the Buck Hotel is good too.

Old Man No. 1: Yeah, that's a good crowd.

Old Man No. 2: Well, if we go to either place this weekend, I'll need to get some Viagra.

Old Man No. 1: You can borrow some of mine.

Old Man No. 2: Great! Man, I used to be able to get it up all the time, but now I need help, ya know?

Old Man No. 1: I hear ya. Me too.

I nearly puked all over them. Old Man No. 2 must have seen me look squeamish, so he laughed, "Haha, this young kid's listening in! Don't worry kid, you'll need Viagra too in 40 years!"

This made me depressed. I did not go into the hot tub to be depressed. I went into the hot tub to relax and/or stare at hot chicks in bathing suits. The hot tub is supposed to be a happy place, but Viagra talk makes it a sad place.


6. No Feet Sniffing in Hot Tub

Speaking of the hot tub being a sad place, I was in there this past Friday night with another fat man. He was in his late 50s, and he spent the entire time stretching his legs. Then, without warning, he grabbed his left leg, moved this foot toward his nose and took a big whiff.

Foot Sniffer: Ahhhh, that's the good stuff!!!

Ugh. Really? This completely ruined my hot tub experience that day, and I don't think I could have even gotten excited about the Cherry Coke Hair Girl at that moment.

There shall be no feet sniffing in the hot tub. Sorry, Rex Ryan.


7. No Kids in Hot Tub

The hot tub is a place to relax. Kids are annoying. They do not belong in there.

Even though there's a sign that says, "No children under 13 years of age permitted in hot tub," there have been two occasions in which there have been kids in the hot tub.

On one occasion, it was a little girl. She was about 8 or so, and she walked in by herself. She actually sat still and behaved, so I didn't really care that she was in there. Everything changed, however, when her semi-MILF mom walked over...

Semi-MILF: Why'd you go in there by yourself? Come on, let's go.

Little Girl: But I wannnna stay in heeeeere.

Semi-MILF: No. We have to go.

Little Girl: Noooooo!!!

Semi-MILF: Get out now.

Little Girl: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Semi-MILF: If you don't get out now, I'll tell your father!

Little Girl: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

The little girl started crying and splashing, and water got into my eyes. I was too busy rubbing my stinging eyes to look at the semi-MILF's a** when she walked away.

You see why kids shouldn't be permitted in the hot tub? If not, here's another situation:

A man in his 40s brought his son (also about 8) with him into the hot tub. The kid couldn't sit still, and he said stupid things like, "Dad, did you know that pigs are the closest animal to human beings?"

I was about to reply, "How about chimpanzees or orangutans, idiot?" but then I recalled all the fat women I've encountered at the pool over the years.

I think that kid might be on to something...