Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012

Jerks of the Week for March 26, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Crappy Commercials Part I

I don't know if you've noticed, but I like to complain about various things in my Jerks of the Week section. One thing I haven't really touched on is commercials.

Now, I'm not referring to those God-awful Lexus December to Remember ads or the Kay Jewelers Valentine's Day campaigns. I don't even count those as real commercials. They're more like creations by Satan and his minions. I have no problem belittling them because they're destroying our country and our very existence.

I've never made fun of other commercials because I make a living off the advertisements on this Web site. I would be a hypocrite if I began denouncing commercials because I wouldn't do that to the ones posted on here. More importantly, I'd be hungry if companies stopped advertising on my site. How ever could I afford Cheetos and Oreos without ad revenue? I'd have to begin eating cheaper, healthy snacks like broccoli, cauliflower and Cool Ranch Doritos instead of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Disgusting.

I can't take it anymore though. I've seen seven commercials on TV recently that have really pissed me off. If I don't write about them soon, I'll probably have to be hospitalized, so I'll do that this week. And who knows? If I lose all of my food money, maybe I'll be able to put Cool Ranch Doritos, broccoli and cauliflower into a tasty salad, or something. It's just too bad that I won't be able to find expired Caesar salad dressing in the local Bottom Dollar dumpsters. Life sucks sometimes.

These seven commercials are all pretty different, save for a pair of Bud Light ads. As of this writing, one is currently airing every five seconds during the NCAA Tournament coverage. If you've been watching any of the college basketball games, you know what I'm talking about.

Before I begin, I should note that I'll cover three of the commercials this week because this Jerks of the Week entry would be way too long if I got to all seven. I'll have the other four next week.


1. Pitbull Bud Light Commercial

I met this chick at one of my parties. Her face was meh, but she had great legs. She seemed interested, and I was drunk, so I thought, "Eh, why not? I've slept with worse."

I don't know why we started talking about music, but we had the following exchange:

Me: Some rap is OK, but there are some "musicians" I really hate, like Pitbull. He ruins every song he's in.

Legs Girl: What!? I love Pitbull!

Me: You love Pitbull? Why?

Legs Girl: I love his music. He's the best!

Me: Eh... eh... I'm... eh... I'm going to talk to my friends. See ya.

I couldn't do it anymore. I'll sleep with fat girls, ugly girls, and fat, ugly girls, if I'm drunk enough. But I will not sleep with any girl who likes Pitbull. That's a deal-breaker, much like cigarettes and tattoos.

I'm not exaggerating when I say this - I think Pitbull is the worst musician of all time. The songs he's featured in have catchy choruses and background music, but he completely ruins them. His participation in these songs falls under two categories:

1. Slurring made-up Spanish words and random English words: I've noticed that Pitbull likes to mix English and Spanish when he's slurring. None of this is on beat either. He actually sounds like Jabba the Hut in some of his music, most notably in Rain Over Me with Marc Anthony. Seriously, listen to the song beginning at the 1:46 mark. I would love it if someone actually dubbed in quotes from Jabba the Hut because it would fit right in. It sounds like he's saying, "Oooo oooda shooda pichhaa wonnn cheee kooottaaa jeeediii." 2. Shouting the same thing repeatedly: Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon trend in today's music. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'd like to refer you to the Black Eyed Peas' Boom Boom Pow song, in which they repeat "boom boom pow" at least 100 times.

This Bud Light commercial falls under the second category. Let's analyze the lyrics:

Dolly!

OK, let's stop it right here. What's the point of saying "Dolly" at the beginning of the song? I understand that Pitbull is in love with Dolly Parton, but that doesn't mean he should say her name to begin an already-crappy song. I have great admiration for porn star Madison James. Do I begin every article by writing "Madison!?" Hmm... maybe I should. If it made Pitbull rich and famous, perhaps it'll work for me.

Moving on, here are the rest of the lyrics:

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yo quiero taco bello. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yo quiero taco meato. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yo quiero dolly Costa Rica. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Taco I'm a eata. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yo quiero taco bello. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yo quero taco meato.

My friend Josh always says, "We're in the golden age of TV and the dark age of music." This is proof that he's right. Seriously, what the hell is this crap? How does a song like this get published? Anyone who likes this junk should be ashamed of themselves. I'm talking to you, Legs Girl.

This actually gives me an idea for my own song. Here are some of the lyrics with the same beat. Sing it if you'd like:

Bang, bang, bang, bang. Mac-a-ro-ni-cheese-o. Zam, zam, zam, zam. Or-e-o and Chee-to. Zing, zing, zing, zing. Food food I will eat-o. Bing, bing, bing, bing. Yum, yum, cheesesteak-ee-o. Wham, wham, wham, wham. Cook-ie and Dor-it-o. Pow, pow, pow, pow. NOM NOM NOM I eat, yo.

See? My lyrics are infinitely more creative than Bulldog's. I was able to use different interjections rather than just "boom" the whole time. Plus, the words after the interjections make so much more sense. Let's break down Pitbull's dumb lyrics, so I can show you that I'm right:

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yo quiero taco bello.

The "boom, boom, boom, boom" is the repetitious crap I mentioned earlier. "Yo" in Spanish means "yo" in English, so that's easy. I don't even have to Google that. "Quiero," which I had to look up, translates to "queer" in English. As in heterosexually challenged. So that's not very nice. And then "taco bello" is Spanish for "Taco Bell." So, what Pitbull is saying is, "Boom, boom, boom, boom, yo, there is a heterosexually challenged person in Taco Bell."

See, this type of insensitivity really chaps my hide. Who cares if there's a heterosexually challenged person in Taco Bell? What, heterosexually challenged people can't eat at fast-food joints anymore? What are we, in the 1990s?

Look, I understand that Pitbull comes from a Spanish-speaking country like Mexico or... umm... I don't know of any other Spanish-speaking countries, but just because his native land of Mexico frowns upon heterosexually challenged people doesn't mean he should do that here. This is America, Pitbull. Try to be more opened-minded.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yo quiero taco meato.

Pitbull is now saying that Taco Bell meat is queer. As a fat man, I am offended. Taco Bell is one of the most magical places in the world. No one, not even a rich "musician" like Pitbull should be able to denounce it. If I were president of the United States, I would make doing so punishable by death. I'd say that's pretty reasonable.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yo quiero dolly Costa Rica.

Translation: "Yo, gay man, I am meeting Dolly Parton in Costa Rica, so stop trying to sleep with me." This is unrealistic. No heterosexually challenged man would want to bang Pitbull because his music isn't sophisticated enough. Now, if Pitbull got into opera, then that would be a different story.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Taco I'm a eata.

Forgetting the unnecessary "boom, boom, boom, boom" portion of this line, this is the first wise thing Bulldog has slurred in his "song."

The rest of Pitbull's song repeats, which is a good thing because I can't analyze it anymore. My mind is too dead set on following his advice and eating some tacos.

2. My Cute Neighbor Sarah Budweiser Commercial

Madison! I regrettably couldn't find a YouTube video for this commercial, but chances are that you've seen it. It's the one where this glum, creepy-looking dude in his early 50s is sitting at a bar and saying random words like "taxes" and "Mondays," and the rest of the patrons say, "DVR" and "Fridays." Then, there's something about "puppy breath" that brings a smile to this guy's face, and then he says, "my cute neighbor Sarah," which has the crowd erupt in a cheer.

This commercial aired during the Super Bowl. I had a bunch of people over, and when I asked, "Does anyone know what the hell this commercial means?" no one had an answer. Perhaps Budweiser yanked it off the air and YouTube because no one understood what that ad was trying to convey.

Fortunately, I have some theories:

1. The guy is a creeper who stares at his cute neighbor Sarah through binoculars all day. Think about it for a second. If you were to think of a man who looks like a strange stalker, it would be this guy, right?

It all makes sense because when he groans, "Mondays," he's talking about how Sarah spends Monday at her boyfriend's house, so he can't take pictures of her and whack off to them later. But it's OK - because he has a special plan to poison her boyfriend so he can have her all to himself.

But what about all of the other words? In terms of "taxes," he's just acknowledging something that all non-free-loaders who don't have sand in their vag know: We pay way too much in taxes in this country. That's an easy one. The "puppy breath" thing is a bit more complex, but I'm willing to guess that Sarah has a puppy. When she leaves for work, he sneaks into her house, steals her panties and smells her puppy's breath.

I believe that this is a very logical explanation for this commercial. Here's another:

2. The guy is a serial killer who has his cute neighbor Sarah tied up in his basement. Think about it for a second. If you were to think of a man who looks like a deranged serial killer, it would be this guy, right?

This man is so happy when he says "my cute neighbor Sarah" because he's looking forward to coming home, cutting her up into pieces and then feeding them to his puppy. That's why "puppy breath" makes sense. His puppy's breath will taste like his cute neighbor Sarah in a matter of hours.

But what about moaning about "Mondays" and "taxes?" The tax thing from before doesn't apply because serial killers don't have to pay taxes for their profession. I imagine he hates taxes because he can't use his knives, chainsaws, rope, etc. as deductions. The U.S. tax code is ridiculously and unnecessarily complicated. You can write anything off for your business. I love taking advantage of this for my site. But if you don't pay taxes in the first place, then you can't use deductions.

As for Mondays, I imagine that Monday is his neighborhood trash day, so he has to dump the body parts of Sarah that his puppy didn't devour into the trash. No one likes taking out the trash - not even serial killers - so this is terribly upsetting for him.

I think it's very plausible that this Budweiser commercial is about a serial killer or stalker. What if he's both? Like a guy who stalks cute neighbors named Sarah and then kills them? Wouldn't that be an awesome twist?

While trying to locate this video on Google, I stumbled upon a third possible explanation for this commercial on a random message board.

3. It's the age-old glass half-full, glass half-empty argument. Here's what the person on that message board wrote:

I'm amused at people that (sic) don't get this commercial. The whole commercial is about the age old (sic) argument, glass half full (sic) vs. glass half empty (sic), In (sic) the end glass half full (sic) wins out - so it's a commercial about looking on the bright side.

What a stupid explanation. I'm not even talking about all of the grammatical errors in that paragraph. How can someone possible argue that this is a glass half-full versus a glass half-empty debate? This man is clearly a deranged stalker and/or murderer who is obsessed with his cute neighbor Sarah, and Budweiser is making a terrible attempt to appeal to the stalker/serial killer demographic.

3. NCAA Commercial

Madison! Do I still think you're a bunch of dumb jocks? Umm... yeah.

When I was at Penn State, I had to take a science class to graduate. A friend of mine told me to take the Natural Disasters in Hollywood course. He told me the class was incredibly easy; there was barely any work, and it was an easy A. So, I signed up...

We had no homework ever due in that class. We had no tests. We had no midterms or finals. We had just two reports due, one of which was an oral presentation at the end of the semester - only half the class didn't have to do theirs because the professor canceled class for some reason. The other project was a children's book about volcanos. Yep. A children's book about volcanos. Madison.

We spent the entire class watching movies with natural disasters - Armageddon, Dante's Peak, etc. - and discussing it afterward. Did Bruce Willis make the right decision? Should the old granny have been saved from the erupting volcano? These were actual things we talked about.

The point of telling you this? That was an athletes' class. I was one of the few people not on the football, basketball, baseball, etc. teams, or cheerleading or prep squads. Student athletes have a higher GPA because many of them take joke classes like this. Some don't - there are definitely industrious student athletes who actually apply themselves - but most take courses like this or the History of Disco (a real class from Ohio State).

Why the hell did the NCAA make this commercial? Like, what's the point of it? Why are they trying to prove this to us? Most people know that it's a complete farce. There are many student athletes who don't graduate, and some of them can't even put a sentence together. Emmitt Smith is a classic example. He actually said this on TV: "That can be a swing their way eventually. I just hate to be the team that they winned it against." And you know what? I'm sure Emmitt had a great GPA because he was earning A's while watching Dante's Peak and learning about disco.

Perhaps one day they'll have a History of Pitbull Lyrics class. I may go back to Penn State just to enroll in that course. Given how awesome my own lyrics are, I'm sure to get an A. And I'm not even a student athlete.