Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011

Jerks of the Week for Sept. 26, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Rite-Aid

The pharmacy I frequent whenever I need anything is the Rite-Aid near my parents' house. I used to go there when I was a kid, so I just stuck with it. There are closer Rite-Aids and CVSes near my house, but I usually make the 10-minute drive to go back to the familiar Rite-Aid. I guess I'm a creature of habit and I hate change. You can guess whom I didn't vote for in the 2008 election.

Well, I'm making a change for once in my life. I don't think I'm ever going to that Rite-Aid ever again.

This past Thursday, I was coming home from my old gym - the one with all of the fat women who want to eat me - when I decided to stop in at the Rite-Aid to pick up two very important items: ACT Listerine (as recommended by my dentist) and butterscotch candies. Butterscotch candies are very important to me. Almost as important as Cocoa Pebbles.

I strolled into the Rite-Aid, and I was instantly confused. The shelves were out of place; they were positioned vertically throughout the store instead of horizontally. There were giant brown skid marks on the floor as well. Either a very fat man took a dump and wiped his a** on the floor, or the workers left those marks when they were moving the shelves.

I actually got somewhat dizzy just looking at everything. All of the items were out of place - so much so that I couldn't find anything. I seriously scoured the entire store three times and I couldn't find the toothpaste aisle. I would have asked a worker, but there was no one there but a female Mexican cashier, who was backed up.

As I walked by the toy aisle for the third time, I saw a little blond girl of 6 or 7 beaming at these toy necklaces. I really don't know what she saw in them; they were these hideous purple-pink dollar sign-shaped pendants. I don't even think a crack addict would buy one of them for her daughter. Nevertheless, the little girl wanted one.

Little Girl: Mommy, mommy! I want this!

Mommy: No, that's crap. You can get something else.

As Mommy walked away, Little Girl tried to put the dollar sign-shaped pendant back on the hook, but it wouldn't stay on. She tried like five times, and just gave up and threw it on the ground.

So, everything is misplaced and the items don't even fit on the shelves, but it can't get any worse right? Well, no. On my fourth and final trip around the store, I overheard an exchange with a fat black woman, her young daughter (about 4-5) and the aforementioned cashier.

Little Girl No. 2: Mommy, I have to go pee-pee!

Fat Black Woman: Can my daughter use your bafroom?

Mexican Cashier: Eh, iz basroom door iz locked.

Fat Black Woman: Do you have a key for the bafroom?

Mexican Cashier: No, no, iz out of order.

Fat Black Woman: Bafroom out of orda!? Bafroom out of orda!?!?!

Fat Black Woman and her daughter walked toward me. She muttered, "Bafroom out of orda!?" three times to herself before she saw me. I guess she felt like she needed to tell me this essential information.

Fat Black Woman: The bafroom out of orda!!!

At this point, I was so annoyed that I couldn't find the two items I was searching for that I yelled incoherently.

Me: This whole store is out of order!!!

Fat Black Woman stopped dead in her tracks and gave me a quizzical look. She then grabbed her daughter's hand and walked away.

Fat Black Woman: Let's get outta here baby girl, this whole damn place is crazy.

Fat Black Woman was right, although she probably may think that I backed up the bathroom and left the skid marks on the floor because there was no toilet paper. I just hope she doesn't have a Jerks of the Week-type section on her own Web site.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: CVS

As mentioned, there's a CVS near my house. It's actually within walking distance, but there's a giant hill and no sidewalk - so there are two options:

1) Get run over by a car on the side of the road.

2) Try to climb the steep hill, fall down, tumble into the middle of the road, and then get run over by a car.

It's not good, so I haven't been to that CVS much. I did go to another CVS recently - the same one where Chain-Wearing Weirdo tried to steal beef jerky. After eating dinner with some friends at New England Pizza, I had to buy eye drops (more on that later). This CVS just happened to be within walking distance, so I decided to go there.

Everything seemed normal at first. I grabbed the eye drops and stood in line. There were two people ahead of me: a random dude in his 50s, and a lady with a little girl of about 5 who had curly blond hair. The little girl was really hyper and ran around everywhere. Finally, something caught her attention - on one of the racks, she spotted a Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD.

Before I go on, the Super Mario Bros. Super Show was my favorite program as a kid. I used to rush home and watch it every day after school. It involved a real-life Mario and Luigi (Mario played by the late Captain Lou Albano) and a cartoon in the middle. Every Friday, they'd show a Zelda cartoon where Link tried to kiss the princess, but always failed.

I actually have one of the DVDs. I found it at Best Buy and bought for nostalgic purposes. My friend Josh and I watched one of the episodes a couple of years ago, and we laughed uncontrollably because it was so cheesy. For instance, take a look at the opening of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show.

If you think that's bad, take a look at the credits. Think I can go to Whiskey Tango and pick up chicks by doing the Mario? I need to try this.

At any rate, the little girl picked up the Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD and brought it to her mother.

Little Girl No. 3: Mommy, I want this!

Mother: Don't we have this already?

Little Girl: Nooo!!! I don't have it! I want it!

Mother: OK, fine.

Me: I don't have this Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD, so I will commandeer it from you! Muhahahahaha!!!

OK, I'm not a complete douche. I didn't steal it from the little girl. But you better believe that I wanted to.

Anyway, it was finally my turn in line. The eye drops came out to be $11.78. I reached into my pocket and pulled out $27. Thanks to the power of the chicken parm I devoured at New England Pizza, I was able to do some quick math and realize that I could get a $10 bill back if I handed the cashier $22. This completely confused him.

Cashier: Uhh... $11.78.

Me: Yeah, I know. Here's $22.

Cashier: Uhh... do you want change?

Me: Of course not. I'm giving you a 100-percent tip for just doing your job.

OK, I'm not a complete douche, so I didn't say that. I just shoved the $22 in his face and told him that I did in fact want change.

I'm still amazed by this. Did he really think I was giving him a $10-plus tip? He didn't even do anything. Now, if he helped me steal the Super Mario Bros. Super Show DVD from that little girl, maybe I would have handed him a few extra bucks.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Blind Hick

About the aforementioned eye drops - I've been taking them because I stare at the computer screen all day. The vision in my left eye has really gotten bad over the years. It started when I was a senior at Penn State, and it's progressively worsened. My mom suggested that I should see the eye doctor before the same thing starts happening to my right eye, so I scheduled an appointment back in early August.

I can't exactly remember what the date was, but in football terms, I can tell you it was the same day that Eagles defensive tackle Mike Patterson had a seizure at training camp. I remember this because they were reporting it on TV in the waiting room.

The only other person in the waiting room was a man in his 40s who was sporting a dirty, curly mullet and an ugly, gray wife beater. He watched the Patterson report eagerly and then proceeded to chug an entire bottle of soda in a matter of minutes.

Just as this man finished the soda, his wife and son came back from the bathroom. The woman was fat, while the son was chubby, and like his dad, he was proudly wearing a mullet and a wife beater. He was about 12, and I wasn't completely sure that he was a male.

T At any rate, the wife noticed the empty soda bottle...

Fat Wife: What happened to my Cherry Coke?

Hick: I gotta stay dehydrated because of what happened to dem football player!

Fat Wife: What football player?

Hick: Dem football player on the TV! He done collapsed durin' practice cuz he din't have enough water. That's why I done and gone drank all your Cherry Coke!

Ah, yes, because the process of waiting for an eye doctor is just as grueling as football practice in 90-degree heat. Quick, someone get this man another Cherry Coke!

I eventually saw the eye doctor, and was diagnosed with Keratoconus. It sounds scary, but it's just a condition where one eye goes really blurry. It doesn't affect the other eye at all, which is good.

Of course, they put those weird drops into my eyes, so I could barely see anything afterward. I was in the waiting area again later on when the hick came out from the back.

Wife: So, what did the doc say?

Hick: Golden retriever!

Wife: What do y'all mean?

Hick: Golden retriever! I gone' be blind!

Poor Blind Hick. If only he had drank more Cherry Coke, this may never have happened...