Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011

Jerks of the Week for Oct. 17, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: The Sociopath

I haven't faced the wrath of the fat ladies at my old gym pool because I haven't been there in a while. My old gym sucks because they close down the pool from 9 to 5 on summer weekdays for the a**hole kids who attend summer camp there. I joined a new gym because of this.

The downside to my new gym is that the pool is freezing. This isn't too bad in the summer when it's hot outside, but it's been about 60-65 degrees pretty much every day here in October. Call me crazy, but I'm just not a big fan of jumping into an 80-degree pool when I'm not warm to begin with. If that makes me a wuss, so be it. I'll have the last laugh though once I receive a big paycheck from Miller Lite after starring in those Man Card commercials. Being scared of jumping into a cold pool has to be worse than asking another dude to go to the bathroom with you, right?

Anyway, the pool at my old gym is usually about 85-87 degrees, which is much better for an old, fat man like me. It was cold and rainy this past Wednesday, so I decided it was worth taking the risk of being eaten by fat women if it meant not freezing my balls off in the water. So, I went back to my old gym.

There weren't any fat women in the pool that afternoon. In fact, there weren't any adults. I forgot, but the local grade school rents out the pool from 3:30 to 4:30 weekdays throughout the school year. What a f***ing surprise, right? My old gym is like some whore. Give the guy running it $10, and you can rent out the whole building for half an hour. They'll do anything for money, even if it means screwing over the members.

Fortunately, I arrived at 4:15. If you're too lazy to whip out your calculators, that meant I had to wait only 15 minutes. One of the coaches of the team is some hot blond milf in her mid-30s. In the past, when she would be there coaching alone, she'd let me hop into an empty lane. Unfortunately, she was working with an older woman that day who looked like Skeletor with a brown wig. She gave me a menacing look as I walked by. Either she wanted to kick me out of the pool area, or kill me so she could conquer Eternia. I didn't stay to find out.

I went back to the locker room and waited for 15 minutes. I then started swimming once the kids, the milf and Skeletor Woman cleared the pool deck. I was in the middle of my mile, when suddenly, dozens of kids poured out of the locker room and jumped into the pool. Yet another rental? Like I said, my old gym is a desperate whore.

Fortunately, this new camp/day care thing took up only half the pool. I was able to finish my mile. When I was done, I was stretching out my back when I began to notice some strange things.

First, there was a fat kid passed out on the pool deck. He seriously didn't move for a couple of minutes. He finally got up, grabbed a kickboard and started eating it. No joke. He put the kickboard into his mouth and tried to bite it.

Poor fat kid. The mean camp counselors probably took his Cheetos, Doritos and Oreos away, so he had to settle for a blue kickboard. (Though as a fat man, I can tell you that kickboards can be tasty NOM NOM NOM NOM.)

His two camp counselors didn't notice this because they were focused on some other kid. One of the counselors was this guy in his early 20s who looked like a hick dressed in a black wife beater. The other one was this blond chick in her late 20s. I would have found her extremely hot, except she had this gigantic nose. It seriously was half the size of her face.

The hick was outraged. He was yelling at some 8-year-old kid:

Hick: Your behavior is unacceptable! You're a sociopath!

Sociopath: Weeeeeee!!!!

Hick: You're a belligerent sociopath! A belligerent sociopath! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Sociopath: Weeeeeee!!!!

The Sociopath didn't seem to care at all that he was getting yelled at. It was Big Nose's turn to yell at him. I almost had to cover my ears because of her shrill voice, though her yelling consisted of just shrieking the same word over and over again:

Big Nose: SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH SOCIOPATH!

Sociopath: Weeeeeee!!!!

Big Nose: BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT BELLIGERENT!

Sociopath: Weeeeeee!!!!

I don't know what the Sociopath must have done to draw the ire of these two camp counselors, but it must have been bad. Maybe he was the one who convinced the fat kid that the blue kickboard belonged to one of the four food groups.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: No Space Man

I mentioned earlier that I went into the locker room to wait while the milf and Skeletor were finishing up swim practice. Inside the locker room, I saw No Space Man - a previous Jerk of the Week who was disinvited from his best friend's birthday party because there was no room for him.

I hadn't seen No Space Man for a while. I could be wrong, but the last time I bumped into him, he was asking a little kid for his phone number. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

No Space Man didn't waste any time bragging about his most recent accomplishment:

No Space Man: Guess what?

Me: UGH! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, FAT F***ER! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY LITTLE KIDS TO CHAT ON THE PHONE WITH!?

OK, I didn't say that. Let's try that again.

No Space Man: Guess what?

Me: What?

No Space Man: I just swam a mile!

Me: How? The pool's been closed for almost an hour.

No Space Man: Just kidding!

Me: Ohhhkaaayyyy?

First of all, I don't want to know what No Space Man has been doing with himself in an empty locker room. I'm eating Cocoa Pebbles as I'm typing this, so I don't want to vomit my beloved cereal all over my laptop.

Second, what the hell was that exchange all about? He lied about swimming a mile just so he could say "I'm kidding" seconds later? Wow, you really fooled me, No Space Man.

Does No Space Man do this with every person he sees? I wonder if he has this type of conversation with his "best friend:"

No Space Man: Guess what?

Best Friend: What?

No Space Man: I just ate a cheeseburger!

Best Friend: Oh, OK. From where?

No Space Man: Just kidding!

Best Friend: What the f***?

Seconds later...

No Space Man: Guess what?

Best Friend: What now?

No Space Man: I just came back from a cruise.

Best Friend: Oh, that's pretty cool.

No Space Man: Just kidding!

Best Friend: You know, you're really pissing me off.

Seconds later...

No Space Man: Guess what?

Best Friend: Ugh.

No Space Man: Guess what?

Best Friend: What!?!?!?

No Space Man: I talked to this boy on the phone last night for like three hours. He's 10 years old. And then we texted until he fell asleep.

Best Friend: Let me guess - you're going to say "just kidding" right?

No Space Man: Umm... no, why would I kid about that?

Best Friend: Uhh...

That night, I'm sure Best Friend wrote himself a reminder: "Note to self: Call No Space Man tomorrow and tell him that there is no more room at my birthday party. My little brother will be there, and I don't want him molested."

And I'm sure that is exactly how No Space Man came to be.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Three Old Men

I encountered No Space Man prior to swimming my mile. He was gone by the time I was finished. I guess he couldn't continue his lewd activities in the locker room once the members started rolling in.

I did see Jerks of the Week afterward though. Three, in fact.

Three old men were changing. One was a pretty fit dude for about 70. The second was closer to 80 and seemed pretty incoherent. The third was a Russian with barely any grasp of the English language.

Despite their differences, the three men had a conversation. Or at least they tried to. Here was the gist of it:

Fit Man: I have it on good authority that the price of cotton will soon be at an all-time high.

Russian Man: Cotton iz good!

Old Geezer: Cotton ish not very exshpenshive.

Fit Man: You both better listen to me and buy as many shirts as possible because the price of cotton will be out of control soon.

Thanks for the advice, Fit Man. I just went to Hollister and bought 250 shirts because of your advice. Once the price of cotton rises, I will open up my own shirt store and sell these shirts for more than I paid for. I will also hire pirates and sellswords to create an embargo on shirts coming into this country from China. Thanks to my shirt monopoly, I will be rich! Muhahahaha!

Anyway...

Fit Man: I'm not kidding about this. Shirts will be very expensive.

Russian Man: Shirts iz good! I vear shirts!

Old Geezer: I have lotsh of shirtsh.

Fit Man: Well, don't say I didn't warn ya. I also have it on good authority that copper will be at an all-time high as well.

Quick, everyone get to the store and buy some copper!

Russian Man: Vat iz zis cooper!?

Old Geezer: Copper ish very importantsh for carsh.

Fit Man: I also have it on good authority that the price of gas will be going up.

Old Geezer: Gash ish sho exshpenshive.

Russian Man: I have gas!

Either Russian Man is insinuating that he manages a gas station, or that he just farted. I'm thinking the latter.

Old Geezer: I heardsh the other day thatsh there are no pretzelsh in Shwedensh.

Fit Man: No pretzels in Sweden? Well I wouldn't know anything about that.

Russian Man: I like pretzel! Pretzel good with... uhh... how you say... yellow vater!

Ewww!!! Pretzels with urine? Disgusting!

By the way I just Googled "pretzels Sweden." The first thing that came up: "Gourmet Chocolate Pretzels in Sweden."

Fail, right? Well, I clicked on the link, and here's what it said: "Below are your search results for Gourmet Chocolate Pretzels in Sweden. There are currently 0 worldwide listings in Gourmet Chocolate Pretzels."

The next link was one of those Yahoo Answers pages where someone asked, "Does Sweden have pretzels?" The answer: "Yes, but only the hard ones that look like pencils."

The third link was "Shipping soft pretzels to Sweden."

What the hell? Is Sweden so pathetic that they have to smuggle in pretzels? I wonder if eating pretzels over there is a crime. I can only imagine the Swedish police busting down people's doors and having their dogs sniff the whole house for illegal pretzels.

How lame is that? I don't think I could ever live in Sweden or anywhere else in the Southern Hemisphere. Things are just too whacky down there. What do they eat for snacks, blue kickboards?

I guess we all know where The Sociopath's fat friend is originally from.