Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012

Jerks of the Week for April 9, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Men at the New Pool

One of the guys in charge of my new gym reads this Web site, particularly the Jerks of the Week section. If you think he's mad that I write about the people at his gym, guess again. On the contrary, he once said to me, "I can't wait for the girl jerks of the gym, Walt."

There are two girls I will mention, but they're not jerks. The first is the hot girl at the front desk I mentioned in an earlier entry. She's so hot that I'm completely flabbergasted every time I see her. I seriously struggle to speak.

Hot Girl: Have a good evening!

Me: Yeah, what about... uhh... wait...

Hot Girl: What?

Me: Good morn... I mean... urm... I... umm... uhh... derr...

Hot Girl: What'd you say?

Me: Eh... wait...ye... o... mu... burr... bleh...

Hot Girl: You said that you want me to have my way with you all night? OK!

Me: Yu... ni... ro... blah... ma...zu...

Hot Girl: Oh, you don't want me to do that? Too bad. I was looking forward to it.

Damn it. I was THIS close to getting raped by a hot girl.

The other chick I wanted to mention is my hot lifeguard friend. She told me about something that transpired at the pool a couple of weeks ago.

There's a guy, about 50, who walks in the pool. He supposedly was in some car accident, so he does this for rehab. There's another guy, a bit younger, who swims at least mile every day. The pool was crowded this particular day, so the second guy (let's call him Swimmer) asked the first man (let's call him Walker) if he could split the lane with him. Walker obliged, and the two men shared the lane. No big deal.

No big deal, at least until the pool emptied out a bit. Walker noticed this, so he grabbed Swimmer during one of his laps. The hot lifeguard chick overheard the entire conversation and then repeated it to me:

Walker: Hey, the pool cleared up.

Swimmer: So?

Walker: There are other lanes open.

Swimmer: What's your point?

Walker: Go to the other lane!

Swimmer: No, I'm not moving!

Walker: Move over!

Swimmer: No! You move over!

Walker: F*** you!

Swimmer: No, f*** you!

The two men kept yelling and cursing at each other. My hot lifeguard friend went over to them to try to settle things down.

Hot Lifeguard: What's going on here?

Walker: He won't move to a different lane!

Swimmer: He has no right to tell me to move to a different lane! I want to stay in this lane!

Hot Lifeguard: Seriously, guys? Can't one of you just move over?

Walker: I'm not moving! I was here first!

Swimmer: You're not even swimming! I'm swimming! You're just walking!

Hot Lifeguard: Ugh, really?

Walker: I walk because of my rehab! This is a free country, so I can do whatever I want in the pool!

Swimmer: Fine! Walk in the pool! But do it somewhere else!

Hot Lifeguard: Guys, you do know how ridiculous you sound, right? You're not 6-year-olds. Start acting like grown men.

Walker: I'll start acting like a grown man once he moves over!

Swimmer: I'll never move! You move!

Things kept escalating. The two men actually began splashing each other. Yeah, like they actually were 6 years old. It was ridiculous, but my hot lifeguard friend couldn't do anything about it, so she called the office. Minutes later, a 250-pound personal trainer who looks like a monstrous linebacker came to the pool.

Walker: Just move already, damn it!

*** Splashes ***

Swimmer: No! I'm not moving for someone who walks!

*** Splashes ***

Personal Trainer: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?

Walker: Oh... uhh... nothing sir!

Swimmer: Yeah, no problem, no problem.

Personal Trainer: I HEAR YOU GUYS ARE FIGHTING BECAUSE NEITHER OF YOU WILL MOVE TO A DIFFERENT LANE!

Walker: No... no... no... it's OK...

Swimmer: Yeah, I'll move.

Walker: No, I'll move.

Swimmer: It's OK, I'll do it.

Walker: You're actually swimming. I can move.

Swimmer: No, you're hurt. I'll move.

Personal Trainer: WOULD ONE OF YOU IDIOTS MOVE ALREADY!?

Believe it or not, both of these pansies actually switched lanes. Personal Trainer walked up the stairs to the front office, glaring at them in the process. I imagine that both men peed in the pool a little bit.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Old Ladies at the New Pool

I'm really going to make an effort to talk to my hot lifeguard friend more often. Not because she's hot, but because I can easily mine her for tons of Jerks of the Week material. The Selfish Lane Men weren't the only jerks of the pool she saw recently.

Before Hot Lifeguard told me about the Selfish Lane Men, she recounted an exchange she had with a lady in her 50s who asked her about the pool depth.

Pool Depth Lady: The pool is deeper.

Hot Lifeguard: What do you mean?

Pool Depth Lady: The pool is deeper.

Hot Lifeguard: You mean like the water level is higher?

Pool Depth Lady: The pool is deeper.

Hot Lifeguard: Was it deeper after you jumped in? Like, did the water level rise in the last hour?

Pool Depth Lady: The pool is deeper.

Hot Lifeguard: What do you think we did, excavate the bottom of the pool?

Pool Depth Lady: The pool is deeper.

That's all she kept saying according to Hot Lifeguard. "The pool is deeper. The pool is deeper. The pool is deeper." The reason for this? I have three ideas:

1. Pool Depth Lady and Swimmer are in league together in an attempt to destroy Walker. Pool Depth Lady was simply informing Hot Lifeguard that she snuck into the gym the night before and excavated the bottom of the pool with Swimmer. With a deeper pool, Walker would no longer be able to walk, and thus, his rehab would be ruined. Without proper rehab, Walker would surely shrivel up and die.

2. Pool Depth Lady and the fat ladies at my old gym are in league together in an attempt to destroy me. "The pool is deeper" was a complaint in this case. Everyone knows that fat ladies can't float. They need to walk, and because the pool is deeper, they won't be able to join this new gym and devour me while I'm swimming. Thank God the pool is deeper.

3. Pool Depth Lady is a crazed lunatic. I'm favoring the third option at this point, though nothing would really surprise me. But Pool Depth Lady isn't the only strange older woman at this pool.

I was in the hot tub one day when this skinny lady was trying to convince an obese woman to go swimming.

Skinny Woman: Why don't you swim a few laps.

Before I show you the rest of the conversation, I have to describe the expression on Obese Woman's face when she heard this. She looked so disgusted, almost as if someone farted in her face. Or, to give you a more appropriate example considering the girth of this woman, it was almost as if a live cow she was attempting to devour farted in her face.

Skinny Woman: Swim a few laps. You'll feel good.

OK, I have to say something else. Skinny Woman should be given a medal of honor, or a Nobel Peace Prize certificate, or something of that nature. America's the fattest country in the world, and Philadelphia is the fattest city in the fattest country. There are too many enormous people around here. Someone needs to tell them to do a few laps at the pool, so what Skinny Woman is doing is really commendable.

Skinny Woman: Come on, you should do some laps.

Now, the live cow was farting and squirting diarrhea into Obese Woman's face. She looked like she wanted to eat Skinny Woman, but that wasn't going to happen because Skinny Woman didn't have any meat on her bones. Instead, Obese Woman countered with an excuse.

Skinny Woman: A few laps won't hurt ya.

Obese Woman: NO HAVE SWIM CAP!

Skinny Woman: You can use my swim cap.

Obese Woman: NO HAVE GOGGLE!

Skinny Woman: You can use my goggles.

Obese Woman: NO HAVE SHAMPOO TO WIPE CHLORINE AFTER SWIM SWIM!

Skinny Woman: You can use my shampoo.

Obese Woman: NO HAVE ENERGY FOR SWIM SWIM!

Skinny Woman: You can do it!

Obese Woman: BUT ME HAVE ENERGY TO EAT YOU TO STOP TELLING ME TO SWIM SWIM! NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Skinny Woman: Ahhhhhhh!!!

OK, OK, that last part didn't happen. The live cow just kept squirting diarrhea and stinky farts into Obese Woman's mug.

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Freezing Pool

One day, the pool is deeper. The next day, the pool is colder.

I've made it known that I don't like to swim when the water is colder than 84 degrees. I'm a grumpy, fat, old a**hole, so I don't need cold water because that'll only make me angrier. Besides, jumping into a frigid pool is so shocking that it could give me a heart attack. Eating tacos, Cheetos and Oreos every day might have something to do that, but why would I give that up? A heart attack is well worth the risk.

The pool temperature usually hovers around 82 or 83 degrees. Occasionally, it's 80 or 84. One recent Monday, however, it was much, much colder.

As soon I entered the pool area, I heard a terrible screech that sounded like, "Eeeeehhhhh!!! Eeeeeeeehhhhhh!!! Eeeeeeeeehhhhhhh!!!" It initially sounded like Ben Roethlisberger was taking advantage of some poor girl. I then thought it might be some sort of fire truck. Or perhaps Big Ben was raping some poor girl while driving a fire truck. That would take some major skill.

This may shock you, but Big Ben wasn't involved. There weren't any fire trucks either. Instead, it was some kid who ran out of the pool, wailing and crying for his mommy. Smelly Swim Coach, who seemed annoyed by the entire situation, looked at me and laughed.

I didn't know what the hell was going on. Why was that kid crying? I didn't see Jerry Sandusky anywhere, so it wasn't anything sexually related. And why wasn't anyone in the pool? Seriously, there was no one in it. Walker and Swimmer could have had three lanes to themselves, assuming that they agreed upon moving out of each other's lane.

I asked Hot Lifeguard what was up. She pointed to the bulletin board. One key thing stood out: "Pool temperature: 76 degrees."

Seventy-six degrees!? There was no way in hell I was swimming in that. Can you imagine how many heart attacks I'd have jumping into that type of frigid water? I think my body would just spontaneously combust from all the heart attacks I'd incur.

I thought I'd take this opportunity to badger Hot Lifeguard about it.

Me: What the hell? Seventy-six degrees!?

Hot Lifeguard: I don't even want to hear it, Walt.

Me: What the hell happened?

Hot Lifeguard: I don't know. I have no control over this. Everyone's been complaining all day. Everyone keeps yelling at me, but I have nothing to do with this. It was like this when I got here. So please don't complain.

When a hot chick tells you not to complain, you don't complain. That's one of the rules. If you follow all of the rules, a hot chick may take sexual advantage of you - or so I've been told.

Meanwhile, the aforementioned kid wouldn't stop crying. He ran down the side of the pool and kept shrieking, "Eeeeehhhhh!!! Eeeeeeeehhhhhh!!! Eeeeeeeeehhhhhhh!!!" Hot Lifeguard would have said something about him running, but A) the pool deck was dry because no one was in the pool all day, and B) his mom was with him. The two eventually reached the door. The mom opened it, and she actually flung the kid out of the pool area. It was hilarious, and what made it even funnier is that I could still hear his wails from the hallway. That kid is going to grow up and enter therapy because of this 76-degree pool. Hell, he might even become a serial killer in 15 years. As long as he doesn't kill me or anyone I care about, that's fine by me.

So, did I gut it out and swim in the frigid water? Hell no. I opted to take a dip in the hot tub instead. There wasn't any hot chick with a purple swimming suit for me to leer at this time. In fact, I was alone, so I was free to turn off the jets. It was the most fun I ever had.

I eventually got dressed and went to Taco Bell to celebrate my taxing workout. Sure, this might have brought me one step closer to a heart attack or spontaneous combustion, but give me a break. Driving to the gym, talking to a hot lifeguard and floating in the hot tub is very tiring. I don't even know why I swim laps. Maybe Walker is on to something.